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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to see my friend alone

110 replies

Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 10:10

Hi,
I have a friend that I have known since I was in primary school. I love her to bits, and would definitely count her as my 'best' friend.

The only problem is that she invites her husband to everything! I'm not wanting to never see him, I get along with him okay and we invite them out as a couple frequently. The problem is when I invite her to something as an individual, eg. A girly lunch, she will accept my invitation and then arrive with her husband in tow!

I feel awkward about saying anything as I don't want him feeling that I don't like him, I just really miss time with my friend as an individual. He can be quite controversial and dominant in conversation, so I find it more taxing to spend time with him.

Just today I invited her out for lunch...to be answered with "yes we would love to! But we will have to sit outside so we can bring the dogs" Hmm

I genuinely don't know whether regular married couples come as a pair permanently or am I being unreasonable to want to see only her occasionally? As not to drip feed, my dh works unsociable hours so we hardly ever come as a couple, whereas they both work from home.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 26/08/2015 10:19

Some of my friends do this, quoting a variety of reasons, from 'It wouldn't occur to me not to go together' to 'I feel guilty having fun without him/her'.

Most of aren't glued at the hip though. I am certainly not. I don't get it, to be honest.

EatShitDerek · 26/08/2015 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2015 10:24

You're not unreasonable.

Could you not say ' Isn't Dick working? ,I thought it would be nice if it could just be the two of us'

Would she be pissed off with you?

Bullshitbingo · 26/08/2015 10:28

Yep, I find this a massive ball ache.

What happens a lot to me, is friends inviting me round for a girly night in, then I arrive to see their dh sat in the corner saying 'don't mind me, you girls chat away, pretend I'm not here'. Uh, ok, let's crack on chatting about our sex lives and other personal stuff that we don't want to share in front of you Confused

I find it weird and annoying but ultimately not much you can do. I'd just limit my time with her at the moment, maybe when the relationship is a bit further on, they'll realise they don't have to be permanently attatched at the hip. Or, they'll be like this forever and one of those sad couples who only want to be with each other, either way, her choice unfortunately.

Original poster
Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 10:29

I think she might be a little upset, but my main concern is that I know she would tell her dh and he would take it personally! I think he would be pretty pissed off tbh, I don't want to rock the boat with both of them if that makes sense. I feel like then I might see less of her.

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/08/2015 10:31

Stillstaying has the right idea - I'd also 'not so subtlety' hint you'd rather just you and her, in a nice and polite way. Bringing the dogs as well, that's taking the mick really. Why doesn't she bring her parents and Great Aunt Mavis as well?

I have the opposite problem, my BF won't ever invite their partner. Even though I invite them most of the time, and now the partner thinks I'm not keen on them. Can't bloody win.

TheReluctantCountess · 26/08/2015 10:32

StillStaying's suggestion of what to say is good. You never know, she might enjoy it and you might get to see more of her.
I have a friend like this, and the boyfriend sits there with a face like a smacked arse, as he clearly doesn't enjoy watching us drink and he doesn't drink. I don't know why he bothers!

MackerelOfFact · 26/08/2015 10:33

I'm guilty of this in reverse - my DP usually invites me along if he's meeting a friend. I accept because I like spending time with them, but I do sometimes feel a bit guilty for tagging along, because I know it affects the dynamic of the friendship.

I wouldn't be offended if I wasn't invited, but I would be if the friend told me to my face that they'd prefer it if I didn't come. Maybe tell her you've booked a table for 2 at a restaurant, or you've got a spare ticket to something, so it's implicit that it's just for the two of you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/08/2015 10:33

If I had a friend who did this my first thought would be is she experancing domestic abuse or isolation

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2015 10:34

Are they newly weds?

PuntasticUsername · 26/08/2015 10:34

"Pretend I'm not here" needs to be replied to with "Why should we have to pretend? Why don't you just make it so that you're actually, you know. Not here?".

Desertedislander · 26/08/2015 10:35

I'd say "I need a girly chat with you about something private, can we get together ..."
And then at the end of the meet I'd say "I really like your husband but it's been so nice to spend time just us, feels like old times. We should do this more often"

MackerelOfFact · 26/08/2015 10:37

It would be good if English had separate pronouns for 'you' (single) and 'you' (plural) like other languages, that might make things a bit clearer!

nocabbageinmyeye · 26/08/2015 10:46

I hate this!! I had a friend who used to do this all the time, they came as a couple and that was that, I liked him a lot too but it got too much, when three of us had babies around the same time we arranged a lunch while on maternity leave, he showed up too, I found this so weird, 3 new mums, we were obviously going to discuss private things, you could see my other friends face fall too when they both arrived but they were oblivious.

The friendship eventually fizzled out, not just because of this but it had a lot to do with it to be honest. We stopped working together and arranging meet-up's so I could go out with them as a couple just got a bit boring really

iamanintrovert · 26/08/2015 10:50

It sounds painful but I don't think that you can say anything.

FilbertSnood · 26/08/2015 10:54

Can you invite her specifically alone? "Would you be up for girly lunch soon?"

I hate the word girly... But it clearly means no men....

Mermaidhair · 26/08/2015 10:54

My best friend (female) has a girlfriend. It is so annoying she comes to everything. I never get her alone. We use to have a night out occasionally in our group with just us no partners. But her girlfriend would still come along. We spoke to her about it and she said well she is a girl so it's different. I understand she is a girl, but sometimes you just want time with your friends and not have partners there. I feel for you.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 26/08/2015 10:55

I have done this, DH always comes with me, we're not in the UK now, and where we are is so remote its not a problem, but ijn the least we always went everywhere together. I have a hidden disability (which very few people know about) and a lot of health problems, DH used to come with me as I would often need his help, I wouldn't be able to manage without him.

HamaTime · 26/08/2015 10:55

My friend does this all the time. She's a lesbian and thinks that her partners femaleness makes it different. Last time I saw her I pointed out that I hadn't seen her on her own since the mid 90s and she laughed and said "I know, I think the longest I've been single is about 2 weeks'. Head Desk.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 26/08/2015 10:56

*past, not least

Bullshitbingo · 26/08/2015 10:59

puntastic maybe I should try that Grin

AlisonWunderland · 26/08/2015 11:00

Next time they turn up together, guide the conversation onto really female things.
I ensure that by the time you start relating your (entirely imaginary) experience of the first time you used a Mooncup, he'll be gone

DragonsToSlayAndWineToDrink · 26/08/2015 11:03

I try to set up something with partners, eg Sunday lunch, and then say it would be nice to also meet up just the girls for an evening drink the following week or whatever- would that work?

Verbena37 · 26/08/2015 11:06

Gosh it does sound like she is very under his thumb. Can't you get two tickets for something (cinema/theatre etc) and tell her it's a girly night out "I've bought us two tickets"?

If she gets pissy (or he does) by you suggesting you go just two of you, then perhaps she isn't the best friend for you after all. Or you could only invite to stuff you don't mind him coming to?

Queeltie · 26/08/2015 11:10

I really don't understand this type of behaviour at all.

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