Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to see my friend alone

110 replies

Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 10:10

Hi,
I have a friend that I have known since I was in primary school. I love her to bits, and would definitely count her as my 'best' friend.

The only problem is that she invites her husband to everything! I'm not wanting to never see him, I get along with him okay and we invite them out as a couple frequently. The problem is when I invite her to something as an individual, eg. A girly lunch, she will accept my invitation and then arrive with her husband in tow!

I feel awkward about saying anything as I don't want him feeling that I don't like him, I just really miss time with my friend as an individual. He can be quite controversial and dominant in conversation, so I find it more taxing to spend time with him.

Just today I invited her out for lunch...to be answered with "yes we would love to! But we will have to sit outside so we can bring the dogs" Hmm

I genuinely don't know whether regular married couples come as a pair permanently or am I being unreasonable to want to see only her occasionally? As not to drip feed, my dh works unsociable hours so we hardly ever come as a couple, whereas they both work from home.

OP posts:
Whitechocolatetoblerone · 26/08/2015 11:11

Oh god OP, I’ve had had this a few times with friends. It’s so cringe and awkward, you CAN’T catch up properly when someone’s partner is there. I also have a friend at the moment who always complains that she never sees me, yet then when we meet up she brings along another, mutual friend of ours. I love this mutual friend so it doesn’t really bother me too much, but I do find it a bit odd….and insulting, like I’m not good enough to meet up with on my own anymore?!

The DP thing though drives me crazy. I’ve never said anything…..a couple of the friends stopped bringing their partners, mainly because I think they ended up finding it awkward too with them there….the other couple I just keep now as ‘couples only’ socialising and invite my DP along too.

It’s sad IMO, you NEED separate hobbies/friends. You also need ‘girly’ time with your female friends.

I think I’d be tempted to either distance myself and if she asks why tell her, or text her and say ‘I feel like there must be something wrong with my company/our friendship as I never see you alone anymore.’ And see what she says.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/08/2015 11:15

He sounds very controlling and domineering. Even to the extent that her friends are walking on eggshells around him, not wanting to upset him.

I think there is more to this than meets the eye. Is she happy OP?

Original poster
Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 11:18

So it seems I'm not alone in this problem!

I replied to the dog thing today with "no I'd really rather sit inside, it's really windy." Hoping that maybe her dh could leave us alone and busy himself looking after the dogs...

It was met with "oh, looks like we can't come then." Not quite what I was hoping for!

On the rare occasion I have seen her alone, she will ring him or say how she feels sorry he is stuck at home etc. then usually cuts out date short because poor dh has been by himself for a few hours now Hmm

I do question whether he is too controlling but she seems happy enough.

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 26/08/2015 11:20

I know someone who had a boyfriend tag along on her hen night.

It was/is a disordered relationship though I think; at the wedding they had a blazing row on the dance floor then got engaged (at friend's wedding) . Hmm

snowgirl1 · 26/08/2015 11:20

Could you suggest getting a manicure/pedicure/facial/massage together (something you know he wouldn't join in) and then say how nice it's been to get together when it's just the two of you.

Gottagetmoving · 26/08/2015 11:20

Could be her DH would not allow her to go on her own? If so, that's a whole new problem.

My sister is like your friend. We do arrange get togethers but her husband always moans and wants to know why he can't come, or why we don't we make it a couples get together.

You need to suggest somewhere that is mainly for women,..Have a spa day or go for a massage and then lunch.

Whitechocolatetoblerone · 26/08/2015 11:22

Have you not said anything in response to her ‘oh looks like we can’t come then’ text. There is no degree of compromise on her part, I’d be mightly peed off and now would be the time to text and say ‘I really just wanted a girly catch up, could DH not stay and look after the dogs.’ And if she gets arsey back then have it out with her, say you don’t mind meeting up with her DP, you enjoy his company but it is perfectly normal for 2 friends to get together for a catch up without their spouses and you would like that to happen occasionally?!

TheLightsWinning · 26/08/2015 11:23

How annoying. Im a newly wed but I actually think its important for DH to go and see his friends alone, and likewise for me to be able to do the same. Makes us appreciate each other more, and it also gives you something nice to chat/laugh about together. Its also good to actually have time to yourself sometimes!
Why don't you respond with "tell you what, I've heard such and such a place is really good, why dont we have a girly lunch there soon? Would be lovely to have a proper catch up with you!". I agree with PP about the horror of the term girly BTW, but it's a succinct way of inviting her alone without being rude to her DH?

Original poster
Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 11:26

He enjoys spa days more than me! I once went round with another friend for a pamper evening/sleepover before her hen do and he was fully involved in every bit, including face masks.

He did hint rather heavily at being left during her hen do but I quickly told him it was a girls only thing! He is controlling but she doesn't seem to mind, if anything she quite enjoys being needed I think. She will stand up to him if she needs to though, she has sided with me on a couple of occasions (once when his dog tried to eat my rabbit, that's another story).

I think he emotionally guilt trips her if she does anything alone, which I find really sad but like I said she seems happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 11:29

Today was a bit more complicated, we were meeting with an old school friend of ours (who her dh doesn't know). So it wasn't like I couldn't go if they didn't, otherwise I would've said something. I think she is oblivious but it's become a running joke with me and my dp!

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/08/2015 11:29

Can you not text back now suggesting her DH looks after the dogs, and just you two can have a catch up?

AuntyMag10 · 26/08/2015 11:29

They both sound like a pain. Do they have no life outside each other? What about children? Do they always have to go as a family everywhere? If they're going to get upset at being called up on this then maybe see less of 'them'.

2rebecca · 26/08/2015 11:32

I'd text her back asking if she can come on her own as you're not bringing your husband, and her husband could look after the dog as it would be nice to have a 1 to 1 chat with her as she never seems to go anywhere without him these days. She might get a bit upset but it's the truth and it might make her think about whether they need to do everything 2 by 2. If she wants to spend her life with him attached to her that's up to her. I hope she has a job so she gets away from him sometimes.

ChristineDePisan · 26/08/2015 11:34

You have to stop being subtle and just say "I was hoping to spend time with just you"

DinosaursRoar · 26/08/2015 11:36

text back - "oh, could you come on your own and [her DH] have the dogs at home? Would love to catch up and have a good girly gossip! x"

She can only say no.

I had a friend like this, in the end we drifted apart, but I did think he was rather controlling in a variety of ways, we just weren't close enough for me to be the one to say something.

Original poster
Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 11:42

I just texted back your suggestions, she replied "no, it's okay. You and old school friend enjoy the meal and feel free to come round for a cuppa afterwards."

I might have to engineer a situation to re do that without the other friend.

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/08/2015 11:52

I'd pointedly say 'that's OK, we'll re-arrange something for the two of us soon, if you can't make it today. Long over due some one on one time, aren't we!'.

Either you find a way of telling her, or you're going to have to.put up with it.

MaidOfStars · 26/08/2015 11:53

MackerelOfFact my DP usually invites me along if he's meeting a friend. I accept because I like spending time with them, but I do sometimes feel a bit guilty for tagging along, because I know it affects the dynamic of the friendship

I get invited along with my husband and his male friends, mostly because they were all historically my friends before he moved up to me, and it's often them who invite me Smile

However, I am very careful not to overstay on a "boy's" night. I really like spending time with them all, and I think they enjoy me being there (presumably, given the repeated invitations to join them). I will often meet up for the first drink (or two) then bugger off and leave them to it. Me being there really does change the dynamic, and will undeniably inhibit the conversation. All the wives are part of the friendship group as well and I'm don't really want to hear any discussion of frustrations about home life/whatever.

Jackie0 · 26/08/2015 11:57

I'd have to say something, I couldn't not.
I'm a bit of an introvert and I don't really go out socialising without my dh, but I know the difference between me being invited and the two of us so I think she's pretending to be a bit thick.
I suspect he doesn't allow her to go alone tbh.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 26/08/2015 12:02

I really don't see the problem, provided her husband isn't oppressing her and not allowing her to go out without him. If she doesn't want to go out without him you will gain nothing by forcing the issue except, probably, the loss of her friendship.

My DH comes everywhere with me (out of necessity) but even if he didn't need to I would wasn't him too. He is my best friend, everything is more fun with him there. I can appreciate that it's bothering you, but not having him there would be bothering your friend, and its not fair that either of your feelings should trump the others. Sounds like a bit of an impasse to me. Confused

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 26/08/2015 12:03

*would want him there that should say

MaidOfStars · 26/08/2015 12:16

its not fair that either of your feelings should trump the others

I'm sure I once read that the best way to achieve compromise is not to average out decisions but to allow both sides an equal number of victories and losses.

I love being with my husband, my female friends, less so (obviously). So in order to nurture relationships with my female friends, I sometimes sacrifice being with my husband. I let my friends "win".

2rebecca · 26/08/2015 12:20

I wouldn't go round for coffee if you don't want to. If I really wanted to see this friend alone sometimes I'd just text back that I'd meet up with her another time when she's allowed out alone.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2015 12:41

Be honest, you have known her for so long. Tell her that you would rather meet just her so that you can have a girly get together.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2015 12:42

Just read your last reply, I wonder if he is controlling towards her, and won't let her go out without him. Seems very odd.