Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to see my friend alone

110 replies

Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 10:10

Hi,
I have a friend that I have known since I was in primary school. I love her to bits, and would definitely count her as my 'best' friend.

The only problem is that she invites her husband to everything! I'm not wanting to never see him, I get along with him okay and we invite them out as a couple frequently. The problem is when I invite her to something as an individual, eg. A girly lunch, she will accept my invitation and then arrive with her husband in tow!

I feel awkward about saying anything as I don't want him feeling that I don't like him, I just really miss time with my friend as an individual. He can be quite controversial and dominant in conversation, so I find it more taxing to spend time with him.

Just today I invited her out for lunch...to be answered with "yes we would love to! But we will have to sit outside so we can bring the dogs" Hmm

I genuinely don't know whether regular married couples come as a pair permanently or am I being unreasonable to want to see only her occasionally? As not to drip feed, my dh works unsociable hours so we hardly ever come as a couple, whereas they both work from home.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 26/08/2015 12:42

I had this with a friend and her then boyfriend (now DH) - every bloody outing he'd come along to - so I couldn't speak about personal issues, women's issues (PMT etc).

They then married and moved away. I found it awkward that I'd have to ask her not to bring him along so I never did ask her not to do this. I'm actually seeing them soon for the day with their DC.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/08/2015 12:44

We have joint and seperate friends. Sometimes we socialise as a couplr, sometimes not. It DOES change the dynamic when someone doesnr jave a shared history or interest in what you're discussing.
Often if weve beem invited as a plus one...one of us will stay for a few drinks and then leave the other after a couple of hours to have a boys'/girls' night.

Usually works for us...

Girlfriend36 · 26/08/2015 12:53

That sounds so annoying!! YANBU in the slightest.

One of my best friends invited me to see a band a few years ago, I was so excited as we hadn't done anything just the two of us for ages. About a week before the event she casually mentioned her husband was also coming along. I was upset and did say something about thinking it would be just the two of us. It changed the entire dynamic of the evening and I ended up feeling like a spare part while they held hands and danced together Sad

I have another friend who will only agree to meet up when her dh is working as if he is not at work they have to be together Hmm

Maybe this is why I am single as I can't imagine anything worse than being joined at the hip to anyone!

I think with your friend op it sounds like there is an unhealthy level of control going on, I would have text her and said 'can your husband not stay with the dogs so we can have a girlie catch up?'

Fatmomma99 · 26/08/2015 13:20

Ask her to come underwear shopping with you?

jay55 · 26/08/2015 13:22

Has he no friends of his own?

derxa · 26/08/2015 13:22

Are their names Howard and Hilda (Ever Decreasing Circles)?

dustarr73 · 26/08/2015 13:23

I would just leave her to it.She doesnt value the friendship the same way.I would stop inviting her out.Just go out with other friends.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2015 13:29

I don't want to be harsh, but I think their is more to the friendship on your side than her side.

She really doesn't sound bothered.

Original poster
Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 13:40

She only has a handful of other friends, I was her maid of honour etc. I don't think it's that she's not bothered, I just think she can't imagine someone not wanting to be with her dh as much as her!

OP posts:
Squooshed · 26/08/2015 13:45

Ugh, they sound like an awful pair of bores. Can't stand people who can't bear to be without their partners for a few hours.

SeaCabbage · 26/08/2015 14:00

She's not getting any hints. I think you need to have a clear chat with her about it. Even if she wants him along, you don't and your feelings are important too. HOpefully she will come without him sometime soon and she will enjoy it.

DinosaursRoar · 26/08/2015 14:27

There's usually a reason people like this have only a few friends, because they've not really learned how to be a friend - including that it should be obvious that you don't always have to be with your DP/H, and that by doing so, you'll never be able to confide in her or have deeper conversations, as he's always there too. Or their DH/P is controling and doesn't want them to have friendships and relationships that don't include the DH/P because they fear not knowing what's being discussed (eg fear it'll be them!).

Doon't invite her underwear shopping unless you specify its without him, or he'll come along too. They don't spend time apart, so it's not like she does that without him.

I would ask her again if you can meet up "just the two of you" and possibly arrange something for "the four of us" including your DP/H - make it clear there's a distinction in your mind.

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 14:49

DinosaursRoar is right - some people have never learned how to be a friend.

My pet hate, though, is when you tell a woman something really personal and she tells her husband all about it - it's particularly awful if you don't really like the husband.

MrsCampbellBlack · 26/08/2015 14:56

God, I'd just give up to be honest.

You are either going to have a very honest discussion with her or just move on a bit from the friendship and only see her occasionally as a 'couples thing'.

MrsRossPoldark · 26/08/2015 15:03

I recently made friends with a girl who had moved into our street. She was single so I introduced her to a single male friend and they have hit it off so well (?) that she will no longer see anyone without him being present. It's actually very worrying to me as she has been cut off from her Mum and some friends as he won't allow her to see them without him. I find it cloying but have to say I'm not bothered as I hadn't got that friendly with her & he isn't a close friend so I'm happy to leave them to it, odd as it seems.

In your case, maybe you need to be strong as she has been a friend for a while & say that you want a girly day out. You aren't his friend and you don't have to like him either.

It is worrying if she is adamant that she won't see you without him.

RiverTam · 26/08/2015 15:14

It sounds like he's very controlling and borderline abusive. If you have known each other that long I'd be tempted to spell that out to her. If she still won't accept it then I eoukd step away whilst letting her know that you're there for her.

Has your DP met him? What's his take on him?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2015 15:28

I agree River, I am surprised nobody else has picked up on it. I would call her and ask if she's ok, let her know your always there for her. Your 2nd from last post somehow rings alarm bells for me.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2015 15:33

Yes reading your other posts, especially him being involved in her hen night, and you saying he is controlling, did raise red flags. Can she stand up for herself op? Hmm I don't know. Yes I like to be looked after by dh, but meet up with friends without him, do my on thing. Him on my hen do, Shock, think he rather rip out his brain and soak it in bleach. Let her know your there, she might just need you in the future.

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 15:49

Any normal man knows that no matter how much his girlfriend loves him, he doesn't have a place on her hen night. It's something that everyone just knows, isn't it?

It's easier to know what to do if she's resisting his constant presence, but if she welcomes it I'd just leave her to it and only see them when you have your partner with you, too.

TheOddity · 26/08/2015 16:24

I'd give her one last shot. Invite her to yours for a girly night when your husband is working late hours/in bed. Make it abundantly clear that it is for the two of you. Lay it on thick; rom com, chocolate, cava. Make sure the date is definitely free for her and that DH can look after the dogs or she can bring the dogs, whatever works for you. If she turns this down, I would consign the friendship to the 'couples lunch only' category. Hope they never have kids, or she is in for a lonely ride.

EatDessertFirst · 26/08/2015 16:51

One of my very lovely friends has taken to doing this very recently, but its due to her partner being off lomg term sick. She is a SAHM, very used to her own daily routines that fit around her DPs shift work and DC school, but if he is there she feels that she should be inviting out or including him in everything just because he is 'there' and has no friends of his own and grumps about her going out and about so much. She is starting to get impatient with it though as she hasn't seen as much of our group as normal because of this. We definately can't gossip properly with him around, and his presence changes the dynamic.

Your friend sounds under the thumb. It must be suffocating being together every second of every day, even working together from home. I'd be restricting how much you see her. It sounds very draining.

Bottlecap · 26/08/2015 16:55

Jesus he joins spa nights? Is it possible that your friend and her husband are just not worth all this angst?

Bottlecap · 26/08/2015 16:55

The dog anecdote is less than impressive.

BalthazarImpresario · 26/08/2015 16:55

I don't get it, but then dp and I have always had a full separate social life as well as one as a couple.

I find it cloying and couldn't have him everywhere note him me. Plus sometimes I want to bitch and moan about him.

gamerchick · 26/08/2015 16:59

I think I would pull back on the invites and if she wants to arrange something say no because she always brings her shadow with her and as much as you enjoy his company you would like to see her without him sometimes.

Hints are not going to work.

Swipe left for the next trending thread