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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to see my friend alone

110 replies

Thoughtfulduck · 26/08/2015 10:10

Hi,
I have a friend that I have known since I was in primary school. I love her to bits, and would definitely count her as my 'best' friend.

The only problem is that she invites her husband to everything! I'm not wanting to never see him, I get along with him okay and we invite them out as a couple frequently. The problem is when I invite her to something as an individual, eg. A girly lunch, she will accept my invitation and then arrive with her husband in tow!

I feel awkward about saying anything as I don't want him feeling that I don't like him, I just really miss time with my friend as an individual. He can be quite controversial and dominant in conversation, so I find it more taxing to spend time with him.

Just today I invited her out for lunch...to be answered with "yes we would love to! But we will have to sit outside so we can bring the dogs" Hmm

I genuinely don't know whether regular married couples come as a pair permanently or am I being unreasonable to want to see only her occasionally? As not to drip feed, my dh works unsociable hours so we hardly ever come as a couple, whereas they both work from home.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 26/08/2015 17:00

Would it terrible to 'accidentally' send a text message to her that you meant to send to your DH? Something along the lines of 'Just so you know, I'm going to ask to go for a coffee on Saturday. Bet you 50p that

TheExMotherInLaw · 26/08/2015 17:32

People like that are maddening! Dh and I go most places together, but he understands friends only meetups, and one to one with my sis. However, he struggles to be able to see his own sis alone, as her awful dh tags along. He interrupts the conversation and ridicules my dh when the sibs want to chat about family and upbringing. I went along once, to make it a couples meetup - never again - obnoxious overbearing git.
The OP's friend does sound awfully under the thumb. How about a couples get together, and OP's hubby suggesting the blokes push off for a pint together - might give OP a chance to ask her friend if things are ok.

Jux · 26/08/2015 17:32

Can you phone her and actually talk to her, rather than text? Then you can tell her how much you miss time with just the two of you, and how nice it would be to be able to have a coffee together sometimes.

If you can persuade her to spend an hour having coffee without him, then you can begin a slow campaign to increase the time you get by yourselves.

how long have they been married?

ihavenonameonhere · 26/08/2015 17:36

Could she have anxiety? Sometimes when I am bad I find being with my partner is the only thing that helps even if I was meeting friends

Leeza2 · 26/08/2015 17:38

My DH comes everywhere with me (out of necessity) but even if he didn't need to I would wasn't him too. He is my best friend, everything is more fun with him there

Well all I can say is - you are not having the right kind of fun Wink

BasinHaircut · 26/08/2015 17:52

Alarm bells ring with me when I encounter this sort of thing.

I've had 2 friends with similar set ups and it turned out that both DPs were abusive.

It's either that or she just isn't that interested in your friendship.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 26/08/2015 17:53

Leeza Grin thanks anyway, my life is enough like a telenovela as it is!

OP, could it be that your friend finds you draining to be with, and could that be the reason for inviting here husband and sometimes someone else too? If somebody is draining it really does help to have another person there. That is a genuine question, don't mean to be offensive.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 26/08/2015 18:12

My DH comes everywhere with me (out of necessity) but even if he didn't need to I would wasn't him too. He is my best friend, everything is more fun with him there

Maybe not for your friends.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 26/08/2015 18:19

Whatthejeff maybe not, but seeing as we live an extremely remote part of South America, they don't get that option when they visit. Also, as I have serious medical issues that require DH to be with me at all times, if they have a problem with him being there they aren't someone I want to be friends with.

chrome100 · 26/08/2015 18:22

I think this is weird. I barely ever see my friends' other halves.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 26/08/2015 21:06

TheMother I think if you have extenuating circumstances then that's different.

However I have a friend who would always bring her DH to 'girly' (yes, I know that word is hated) catch up evenings. Always. No need for it. It's a good thing to be able to go out without each other.

Rainbowlou1 · 26/08/2015 21:28

I'm not saying your friend is in this situation but I had a partner like this...on the outside I looked really happy and in love but I really wasn't.
I was suffocating and desperately wished I could have some time away from him.

sazza76 · 27/08/2015 16:59

I have a friend who always brings their mum everywhere with them. No one ever gets to see her on her own and we always have an 80 year old with us. Lunch, spa,trips out with the kids even coffee round someones house. So UANBA I totally understand how infuriating it is!

derxa · 27/08/2015 17:06

Oh sazza It sounds so sweet on the surface- 'I take my mother everywhere'. But it's actually a PITA

hackedoffnow · 27/08/2015 17:09

My brother does this I would like to meet up with him on his own sometimes without his DP but he always brings her.Hmm

sazza76 · 27/08/2015 17:10

We wouldnt mind if it was now and again but its everywhere, even dropping children to school. She also isnt a very 'sweet' 80 year old, very opinionated and gets very stroppy.

hackedoffnow · 27/08/2015 17:11

Yes Sazza I have a friend whi tries this on too. I always make my excuses when she mentions her mum will be coming.

2rebecca · 27/08/2015 17:13

Do you not say to your friend "can you leave your mum at home?" If she's well enough to trail around town I presume she can cope in front of the TV for a few hours.

SisterMoonshine · 27/08/2015 17:20

I have a friend a bit like this. But she seems to lack confidence in getting herself anywhere. She'll come alone if I pick her up or call for her.

2rebecca · 27/08/2015 17:27

The trouble with that is that she'll only develop confidence in going places alone when she starts doing it. The less you go out alone the less you are able to go out. She'd be better arranging to meet at the end of her street and gradually increasing the distance she walks alone. Some people don't want to actually tackle the agoraphobia though and prefer to live a limited life

StealthPolarBear · 27/08/2015 17:30

Ugh this sounds like hell. On the rare nights dh is out the house to myself is one of the perks. Sadly he goes out about once a decade without me

hackmum · 27/08/2015 17:39

It does sound as if her DP is forbidding her to see her friends without him, perhaps because he is jealous and thinks she might be seeing other men.

What else can it be? I can't imagine he gets very much out of it. Most people have no interest in going out with their partner and his/her best friend because they'd find it boring and know they're intruding. I'd be a bit worried about her in your position.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 27/08/2015 17:40

I have a friend who always brings their mum everywhere with them. No one ever gets to see her on her own and we always have an 80 year old with us

That is just weird.

miaowroar · 27/08/2015 18:18

My (now) ex used to come along to any get-togethers I had - I didn't really know how to tell him not to. We had lived in different parts of the country and lots of his friends were abroad and certainly none were local. Only now do I realise how awkward it may have been for my friends - they never said, but if they had said at the time that it was girls only, it would have made it easier for me.

sazza76 · 27/08/2015 18:39

We have tried suggesting things like 'maybe this would be a bit tiring for your mum' or maybe you should leave your mum at home but just gets ignored. My friend is lovely its just this one issue thats difficult.