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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not give money to these friends

147 replies

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2015 18:07

I really don't know if my friends are cheeky feckers or if IABU for finding them cheeky so hoping MN can give me some perspective.

In the past month or so I have been included in two group FB messages from friends asking me and everyone else they know to "donate" to their crowdfunding sites.

The first message if from a couple who have decided to quit their jobs and go traveling around the world for an unspecified amount of time. They state that they have been saving up and will be selling pretty much everything they own (although they point out that they don't have cars or property to sell) but still need money for their "trip of a lifetime" and are asking their family and friends for "donations". There is a lot of blurb about how they both hated their jobs and they've decided to do something brave and change their lives for the better etc. Fair enough, but I'm not sure I should be expected to fund their decision

The second message is from a friend who is planning to start her own business. It is a leisure/entertainment type business for which I imagine she will need to find a premises, employ staff etc although she doesn't actually say what she plans to spend the money on. She just says that although she is using her own savings and plans to secure a loan she will still be a few grand short and is "hoping this will come from donations by generous family and friends". It is very clear from the message that she isn't looking for investors, just "donations" to "make my dream happen".

I admit I don't know much about crowd funding and am probably out of touch but I thought it was developed to raise money for charitable causes or projects that are socially useful in some way.
Is it now considered acceptable to outright ask people for money for things you want to do but can't afford as long as you do it via social media? If so then where is the line? Would it be acceptable for me to send a message saying "It's my dream to live in a bigger house but I don't earn enough to cover the mortgage so here's a link to my crowd funding page"??

Maybe I'm being mean but it just feels uncomfortably close to begging for a handout, which would be fine if any of these people were in genuine need but quitting your job to travel and starting your own business are choices aren't they? There seem to be a lot of replies saying "will definitely donate" etc so that makes me wonder if I'm just being a misery

So MN jury, would I be unreasonable to ignore the above messages or would you feel obliged to bung them a few quid?

OP posts:

LumelaMme · 27/08/2015 09:35

YANBU at all: you are totally sane.

There are a fair few cheeky fecker threads at the mo: maybe the rain has herded them indoors to make requests on FB and email friends asking for bank transfers.

hairypaws · 27/08/2015 09:43

I didn't know this was a thing. I'd definitely ignore, cheeky buggers!

SanityClause · 27/08/2015 10:02

For people saying why don't people borrow from a bank to fund their business, have you ever tried to do this? Talk about blood and stones! Even before the banking crisis.

This is where crowd funding (properly done) can really come into its own. In fact, that's what the original building societies were. People put all their savings in together, so that one by one, they could build houses.

Expecting donations with no offer to pay back, or other benefit, is just begging, though.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2015 11:04

Sanity: Yes, completely agree. A person with an excellent business idea and the skills to make it work - and a poor credit history (which might have occurred through illness/redundancy/thieving partner or something) would have no chance of bank funding, which is why crowdfunding is generally a good concept.

I know of musicians who use it a lot because it enables them to keep control over their output - and they are generally people who already have a substantial following, who happily chip in £10 or so in what is basically an advance order for the new CD. It works for people who are producing something that is desirable, but which needs to be produced in bulk to be affordable.

My PHD-studying friend reckons she hasn't got the 'PR skills' to do a crowd-funder. I think she is just feeling miserable at the moment (various reasons) and will try to encourage her to give it a shot.

Trills · 27/08/2015 19:43

who happily chip in £10 or so in what is basically an advance order for the new CD

I've done this.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 15/09/2015 19:23

Just thought I'd post a quick update as the cheeky feckerdom has reached new heights this evening!!

So, the friend who was raising funds for her new business venture has become an absolute menace, constant emails and FB posts reminding people to donate, expressing "surprise" and "disappointment" that more people haven't donated etc. If anyone posts holiday pics she comments with something along the lines of "if you can afford to go on holiday you can spare £5 for my business venture lol, here's a link to my crowd funding page". Someone posted that they can't believe it's only x days til christmas and she commented with "donate to my crowdfunding campaign and no need to get me a pressie this year lol". A couple of people replied to her original message saying they couldn't give money but could offer their services/expertise free of charge as they work in a related industry and she replied to both "I'd rather have the money lol!" Why do people think you can be as rude as you like but putting "lol" at the end makes it cute?? It doesn't!

Just got home from work to find she's sent a new FB message but this time just to roughly a dozen people including myself and DH saying she's "really surprised" that we haven't donated as she considers us her "closest friends". I should point out that while DH and I were pretty close to this woman in our university days (longer ago than i care to admit) and we have a lot of mutual friends, we now see her a couple times a year at most and had not heard from her for months prior to all this! She went on to say that she's "gutted" with the general lack of response as only a handful of her 700+ FB friends have donated and she "had assumed she could at least count on a donation from everyone in this group". She then goes on and on about true friends would understand how important this is to her, referencing random memories of nights out and things we've all done together years ago etc and then saying she hopes we will all "find it in our hearts" to help her out in "her time of need". It is honestly the most transparently manipulative thing I've ever seen.

So MN how the hell do I respond to this?? Do I respond at all?? As I said, we have a lot of mutual friends so I can't just avoid this person forever. Tempted to bung her a few quid just to stop the madness but the stubborn part of me really doesn't want to.

OP posts:

bluesbaby · 15/09/2015 19:29

What? Just tell her to sod off and shut up!

Carlywurly · 15/09/2015 19:33

Just ignore it. Or respond saying you have projects of your own going on and aren't in a position to help her.
Her level of entitlement is astonishing.

BMW6 · 15/09/2015 19:35

How to respond?

If you don't want to rock the boat as regards mutual friends, do not respond at all. Do NOT give in to her grabby entitled demands though. She is an Atrocious Cunt.

(And she is embarrassing herself with her constant begging, so I daresay your mutual friends feel just as you do)

On the other hand the response "ODFOD" should give you some peace!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/09/2015 19:35

God that's so grabby and tacky. Do you want to keep her friendship? I'd be tempted to say you've donated all your spare cash this month to the refugees, or your favourite charity, or some good cause (and then actually donate to square it with my conscience). I just don't think it's on, what your friend is doing, guilt tripping you like this.

abigamarone · 15/09/2015 19:37

You could perhaps try "I'll spend my own money thanks, lol"?

Carlywurly · 15/09/2015 19:42

Yep, definitely employ the lol tactic!

pluck · 15/09/2015 19:44

Whatever you do, don't pledge even a tiny bit of the whole! I had a message from one of these crowdfunding sites the other day, to tell me of a "change in policy," to give fundraisers anything that has been raised, even if the funding target hasn't been met (i.e. if not enough people have thought it a worthy cause!).

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 15/09/2015 19:45

As much as I think she's behaving pretty appallingly at the moment, she's got a good heart. She's always been a bit entitled but it was much more subtle before the days of social media, which seems to bring out the worst in her. She's not a bad person and I don't feel I can just cut her out of my life completely based on this. It would make things awkward for a lot of people if I did, not least DH who is very close with her brother and sees him all the time. I've spoken to a couple of mutual friends about it and they agree it's bonkers. I think we've all just tried to ignore it so far but clearly she's not going to take the hint and admit defeat gracefully!

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 15/09/2015 19:45

She's bold isn't she!

How about "I don't think it's appropriate to ask one's friends for money" ?

cremeeggboycotter · 15/09/2015 19:52

How about linking her to the moneysavingexpert website loans link? And then gently reminding her that she shouldn't be so fucking cheeky be asking people to donate to something that's not a charity they agree with.

TendonQueen · 15/09/2015 19:53

I would try 'These days everyone has to prioritise their money very carefully and everyone makes their own decisions about what that means. We're not in a position to make this a priority but we really hope you succeed and with your determination, we're sure you will'. Then reply to any more messages with 'The answer's the same as last time'.

HermioneWeasley · 15/09/2015 19:53

Well, Clearly you're not the only one who thinks she's bonkers and cheeky. I would reply to all saying along the lines others have suggested that you have your own projects and can't spare the money, but you wish her well.

cremeeggboycotter · 15/09/2015 19:54

"I don't think it's appropriate to ask one's friends for money

Plus with a 'I'm disappointed one of my good things would think that this behaviour is acceptable and no one else has pointed it out!'.

Drmum83 · 15/09/2015 19:55

Wtaf?! No, YANBU!

HopefulHamster · 15/09/2015 20:06

Can someone just tell her straight that crowdfunding still usually offers some kind of incentive, and also a lot more explanation of what's being funded?

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 15/09/2015 20:21

Given the repeated pestering I think I'd publicly respond with: 'while we wish you all the very best with your business venture we will not be donating. I'm sure that you will respect our decision on this.

featherglass · 15/09/2015 20:39

You might also suggest to her that she takes her business plans to her local bank / small business association and gets professional advice on how to start a business. I run a small business and have had to fund and develop every aspect of it myself - wouldn't dream of asking friends for help.

softhedgehog · 15/09/2015 20:56

Reply and say that you might be interested in investing - can she send you a business plan and give you an idea of the current value and what percentage of the business she would be willing to give up in exchange for an investment. You'll never hear form her again.

FluffyNinja · 15/09/2015 21:18

Reply telling her 'you're giving all your spare cash to the Syrian Refugees because they really really NEED the money, lol'

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