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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not give money to these friends

147 replies

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2015 18:07

I really don't know if my friends are cheeky feckers or if IABU for finding them cheeky so hoping MN can give me some perspective.

In the past month or so I have been included in two group FB messages from friends asking me and everyone else they know to "donate" to their crowdfunding sites.

The first message if from a couple who have decided to quit their jobs and go traveling around the world for an unspecified amount of time. They state that they have been saving up and will be selling pretty much everything they own (although they point out that they don't have cars or property to sell) but still need money for their "trip of a lifetime" and are asking their family and friends for "donations". There is a lot of blurb about how they both hated their jobs and they've decided to do something brave and change their lives for the better etc. Fair enough, but I'm not sure I should be expected to fund their decision

The second message is from a friend who is planning to start her own business. It is a leisure/entertainment type business for which I imagine she will need to find a premises, employ staff etc although she doesn't actually say what she plans to spend the money on. She just says that although she is using her own savings and plans to secure a loan she will still be a few grand short and is "hoping this will come from donations by generous family and friends". It is very clear from the message that she isn't looking for investors, just "donations" to "make my dream happen".

I admit I don't know much about crowd funding and am probably out of touch but I thought it was developed to raise money for charitable causes or projects that are socially useful in some way.
Is it now considered acceptable to outright ask people for money for things you want to do but can't afford as long as you do it via social media? If so then where is the line? Would it be acceptable for me to send a message saying "It's my dream to live in a bigger house but I don't earn enough to cover the mortgage so here's a link to my crowd funding page"??

Maybe I'm being mean but it just feels uncomfortably close to begging for a handout, which would be fine if any of these people were in genuine need but quitting your job to travel and starting your own business are choices aren't they? There seem to be a lot of replies saying "will definitely donate" etc so that makes me wonder if I'm just being a misery

So MN jury, would I be unreasonable to ignore the above messages or would you feel obliged to bung them a few quid?

OP posts:

MrsEmmaPeel · 25/08/2015 19:32

They have decided to 'change' their lives. Fine, but like most people who do this they fund these lifestyle choices with their own money.

You've got your own life to live, you're not a charity. Ignore them and if it was me I would distance myself from them. Me and my DP have a very affluent lifestyle which we achieved through hard work.

If they ask you for money outright, tell them to get to the far side of fuck!
YADNBU!!

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2015 19:32

I'm very relieved to see these responses. My first instinct was "cheeky bastards" but there are a surprising number of replies from people saying they've just donated or will donate. One bloke even replied along the lines of "sorry it's not much but I lost my job recently so money's tight"

OP posts:

Cloppysow · 25/08/2015 19:36

I'd consider the business if it was a really close friend and i had spare cash, but the trip of a lifetime people are cheeky bastards.

I really struggle with the "i'm going to the great wall of china to raise money for charity" things. I'm not paying for someone to have a holiday. I'll donate to charity no problem, but take your bloody jolly costs out of it.

PlopTheBarn0wl · 25/08/2015 19:48

YANBU!

Wasn't there some guy in the US that manage to crowd fund all his uni fees?

I think some people who are asked simply don't engage their brain and categorise the request in with all the charity sponsorship requests, which is why they give so willingly.

I'm all for kick starters, if you receive something back or if it's for charity. Not for begging.

Werksallhourz · 25/08/2015 19:49

We have had a rather controversial one in our area recently where a just giving page was set up to pay off a terminally ill woman's mortgage so that her four adult children could "stay in the family home".

It didn't seem to occur to anyone that four adult siblings probably wouldn't want to live together in their family home for any length of time, that the house would no doubt be sold, and that they were doing the equivalent of handing these four adults over ten grand each on and above their eventual share of the money from the sale of the said "family home".

But the donations just rushed in.

YellowTulips · 25/08/2015 19:56

It's not crowd funding - it's begging.

There are legit CF websites for entrepreneurs wanting to fund a new idea/product/service.

Facebooking your friends and family to find your lifestyle choices is just fucking cheeky and entitled.

Tell them to naff off or better still respond with "I'd love to help, but am busy rating capital for my own personal business venture. I've developed an app that blocks shameless appeals for cash from Facebook contacts. It's getting a great reception on legitimate crowd funding websites from venture capitalists."

ImperialBlether · 25/08/2015 19:57

Wasn't there insurance on the mortgage?

If they ask just say you thought they were joking.

RunRunAsFastishAsYouCan · 25/08/2015 20:06

werksall I read about that, there was also a 7 year old child that the rest of them wanted to raise in the family home. They actually reached their target so people were kindly donating for driving lessons.
I thought it was a lovely idea, lots of people saying they remember having to sell their home when their parent died and were happy that this family wouldn't have to do that.
She sounds like an amazing midwife who had helped so many others, people gladly donated.

Melawen · 25/08/2015 20:07

Another one that says cheeky feckers! I have given money to crowd funders before, BUT have always got a product back eventually. This is not the same.

MsMargaretCarter · 25/08/2015 20:08

werks if that's the one I saw there was also a young child who would be losing their home otherwise. And the woman concerned is well known and loved and has touched a lot of lives. I didn't donate but can completely understand why many did.

Leeds2 · 25/08/2015 20:15

I have never heard of crowd funding! And by the sounds of it, that is a good thing!!

I would ignore both requests.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2015 20:17

The more I think about it and read all of your responses the more annoyed I get actually. I work very hard in a stressful, emotionally challenging job for not much money. My friends know this. I've decided I'm not going yo respond but I'm sure that some recipients of these messages will donate purely out of guilt or feeling put on the spot and I don't think it's fair to put people in that position.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/08/2015 20:21

I wouldn't donate to them.

notquitehuman · 25/08/2015 20:24

A friend of mine started a crowd fund for some really vague business idea. She was going to start a cafe, for mums, that served baby friendly food. Cute idea, but she honestly hadn't a clue about the massive monetary and time commitment this would be, the crazy amount of competition from Starbucks et al, and how tiny the profit margins are on cups of coffee. She made a few hundred quid in the end, but fuck knows where that went since the idea now seems to be abandoned.

DonttouchthatLarry · 25/08/2015 20:28

I've supported a film project, but have really only pre paid for my copy of the dvd once it's completed - the cash was needed up front to fund the film. I would not be giving people money to go on holiday!

Floggingmolly · 25/08/2015 20:29

When did this nonsense begin to be in any way acceptable? . How is asking people to fund your travels any different to asking friends to "donate" the cost of dinner and drinks at that fancy new restaurant you've heard about but can't afford? (Apart from the sheer scale of the cost involved, that is)
Are they just spoiled brats; used to having everything they whine for handed to them on a plate, or do they simply not have a screed of self awareness or dignity??
Keep your hand in your pocket, op...

AlpacaPicnic · 25/08/2015 20:30

Yeah... What everyone else said!

I guess, if it was a birthday coming up, and I was going to spend 20 quid on a gift for them, then I might bung that 20 to their cf site instead. But I'm currently saving up for my own holiday of a lifetime ( in just under two years time!) and that's kind of how it's supposed to go. You make a plan, you save up and do it when you've got the funds...

itsraininginbaltimore · 25/08/2015 20:36

YADNBU. It never, ever ceases to amaze me how cheeky and entitled some people are. And social media just seems to make it worse - it's as if it allows them to detach themselves from the sheer effrontery of it.

I feel embarrassed for them just thinking about it.

londonrach · 25/08/2015 20:51

Id de friend if on fb.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 25/08/2015 20:52

I think you have too many cheeky friends!! No way would I ever donate to this!

YellowTulips · 25/08/2015 20:54

Well maybe we should start a thread about what totally outrageous "CF" suggestion we could make .

I'll start with "my wife has just found out I'm on "that" adultery website that's been hacked. Please can you all donate to my alimony? She's pretty needy (claims the kids need shoes and shit)."

MatildaTheCat · 25/08/2015 21:00

Say you've thought very long and hard how you can support them and send them 10p. 'It's not that much but looking forward to being a part of your journey!'

Cheeky feckers.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2015 21:09

itsraining, I think that's exactly it. They would never have to nerve to go knocking on doors or phone all their friends individually and ask for a handout. Something about the fact that it's online allows them to be completely shameless.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 25/08/2015 21:44

The "family home" one is weird. Maybe it's because my parents moved around a lot, but my "family home" is the one I live in now with my family, my dad's home is his home. If he chooses to sell it and move in to a mobile home or warden controlled flat that's his business. When he dies if he still lives there we'll just sell it and do whatever his will says, can't see my sibs and I wanting to play happy families there. It's maybe different if it's a stately home the family have lived in for generations (although I'd then think they'd had their turn of being posh and privileged) but for a 3 bed semi it's weird.

2rebecca · 25/08/2015 21:46

Surely the young child wouldn't "lose" their home, they'd move home, like lots of kids do. A lot of people use very emotive language when they're trying to hang on to their parents' assets that for some reason they feel entitled to.

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