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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give money to these friends

147 replies

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2015 18:07

I really don't know if my friends are cheeky feckers or if IABU for finding them cheeky so hoping MN can give me some perspective.

In the past month or so I have been included in two group FB messages from friends asking me and everyone else they know to "donate" to their crowdfunding sites.

The first message if from a couple who have decided to quit their jobs and go traveling around the world for an unspecified amount of time. They state that they have been saving up and will be selling pretty much everything they own (although they point out that they don't have cars or property to sell) but still need money for their "trip of a lifetime" and are asking their family and friends for "donations". There is a lot of blurb about how they both hated their jobs and they've decided to do something brave and change their lives for the better etc. Fair enough, but I'm not sure I should be expected to fund their decision Confused

The second message is from a friend who is planning to start her own business. It is a leisure/entertainment type business for which I imagine she will need to find a premises, employ staff etc although she doesn't actually say what she plans to spend the money on. She just says that although she is using her own savings and plans to secure a loan she will still be a few grand short and is "hoping this will come from donations by generous family and friends". It is very clear from the message that she isn't looking for investors, just "donations" to "make my dream happen".

I admit I don't know much about crowd funding and am probably out of touch but I thought it was developed to raise money for charitable causes or projects that are socially useful in some way.
Is it now considered acceptable to outright ask people for money for things you want to do but can't afford as long as you do it via social media? If so then where is the line? Would it be acceptable for me to send a message saying "It's my dream to live in a bigger house but I don't earn enough to cover the mortgage so here's a link to my crowd funding page"??

Maybe I'm being mean but it just feels uncomfortably close to begging for a handout, which would be fine if any of these people were in genuine need but quitting your job to travel and starting your own business are choices aren't they? There seem to be a lot of replies saying "will definitely donate" etc so that makes me wonder if I'm just being a misery Blush

So MN jury, would I be unreasonable to ignore the above messages or would you feel obliged to bung them a few quid?

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 26/08/2015 11:26

We had one locally where they were setting up a business (no charitable arm or payback to the community) and they asked people to donate £50 to pay for a brick. You didn't get an engraved brick, you were just essentially giving them £50 to start their business. No-one donated Grin

OrangePeels · 26/08/2015 11:43

I hate this. A friend of mine has recently posted one on FB to raise money to fly abroad and visit her father. She keeps posting it and asking people to share it. So far only one person has donated.

FrenchJunebug · 26/08/2015 11:59

Yanbu such feeling of entitlement is abhorrent.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/08/2015 12:28

I've known people do it as basically pre-ordering: the person is producing a book/CD/film and those who put in money get their copy of the item once there's enough to fund a production run. I've got no problem with it when it's done on that basis (though would only spend my own money if the product was something I actually wanted).

But straight-up whining for handouts I would ignore, as well.

PLUtoPlanet · 26/08/2015 13:04

It doesn't sound as though you're close enough to give birthday or even Christmas presents, so YADNBU to contribute to what is essentially a gift list, in the case of the travelling couple. As for the business donations, well, she's clearly not able to raise money from other sources -which she'd have to pay back, with interest- meaning either she or the banks don't trust her business plan! Grin

RaspberryOverload · 26/08/2015 13:20

As far as the one asking for donations for a business is concerned, I'd only be donating if there was a credible business plan, as I'd want reassurance that the business was likely to succeed.

She just says that although she is using her own savings and plans to secure a loan she will still be a few grand short and is "hoping this will come from donations by generous family and friends". It is very clear from the message that she isn't looking for investors, just "donations" to "make my dream happen".

This^ would make me wonder if there even was^ a business plan, so no way would I donate.

As for the travelling couple, they need to get real, and save to fund their own dreams, not sponge off others for who a dream will never be reality.

BalloonSlayer · 26/08/2015 13:53

OP surely the bloke who replied saying sorry it's not much but I lost my job recently so money's tight was being sarcastic and trying to draw attention to the inappropriateness of asking people less well off than you to fund your jollies? Do you know how much he donated?

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 14:23

Just seen one where a woman wants people to pay for her holiday to Egypt. She has to go to hospital so can't save up for it. How long will she be in hospital, ffs? Someone's given her a tenner but unless she gets another £790 she won't even get that.

Grin
munkisocks · 26/08/2015 14:33

Cheeky sods lol. They should earn their own money for their dreams and not sponge off us that do lol. I want a bigger house, maybe I should set up a page so people can make my dream come true...lol

Crinkle77 · 26/08/2015 16:21

This is so odd because before I read this thread I had never heard of this concept. I went back to my desk and had an e-mail from a colleague about this Kickstarter thing and people trying to raise money to buy a big oven for their bagel bakery. The thing that concerns me is that why don't they ask the bank for a loan or if they can't get a loan from the bank then why not? It makes me think that perhaps their business plan is flawed or something.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 26/08/2015 16:46

Balloon, the chap who lost his job was responding to the second message about the new business venture, not the couple going travelling. Maybe he was being sarcastic but I didn't get that impression at all. I guess that's one of the problems with social media, it's difficult to convey tone.

To answer some other points, the friend starting a business is not looking for investors or offering a product/service in exchange for donations. She is literally just asking for money. There are no details about her business plan, how much of her own money she has invested etc just vague description of what the business is and assurances that it will be "awesome".

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 26/08/2015 17:12

Bil e-mailed dh and said that his (non-working) dd was crowdfunding for her trip of a lifetime (to build an orphanage - how hackneyed can you get) and could we donate. I've said that we should crowdfund rightbackatchya to pay for our holiday. This sort of thing has got to stop. It's very distasteful.

IJustLostTheGame · 26/08/2015 17:37

The only time I donated to one of these things was for a friend whose son was having cancer treatment abroad and it was to help pay her bills so she could go with him.
I would gladly donate again. She went through hell, and was so overwhelmed at people helping her she was in floods.

I might do one.
'I am a grabbing lazy bones who can't be arsed to save, please send me your hard earned so I can loaf about in sunshine for a couple of weeks'

Rainbunny · 26/08/2015 17:44

I've only had this happen once and it was a coworker who posted on FB about her poor dog who had cancer and she and her partner were looking for donations for the dog's treatment. It was sad but honestly she is an attorney and her partner owns his own IT firm and I know for a fact that they could afford the treatments themselves, but they clearly thought they would get a lot of sympathy and therefore donations. Sad but still very distasteful to me.

2rebecca · 26/08/2015 17:46

I gave to one to pay for expensive equipment for a sports club that put on events my kids go to. It was for special starter gates with a timing device. They got grant money too but needed to raise some themselves. You got priority entrance to their next event if you paid over a certain amount.
That's the sort of thing I think should be using crowdfunding, not one person having a nice holiday or a half baked business scheme.

hibbleddible · 26/08/2015 18:07

There has been a recent case of a couple with a premature baby taking very public advantage if a crowd funding site. I think there should be some kind of regulation/warning on these sites to protect people.

Some people think their money is genuinely going to a good cause, when the reality is that it can be used without any questions.

scarletforya · 26/08/2015 18:27

Yanbu

Crass beyond belief.

LeonC · 26/08/2015 20:43

Yanbu. I would reply: No.
( Complete sentence, yay)

SolidGoldBrass · 26/08/2015 21:59

I was suggesting to a mate of mine she try crowdfunding of some kind for the next stage of her PHD - she has been turned down for funding and I agree with her that this is partly because she is an outspoken woman studying something controversial. Maybe I should get her to read this thread.

00100001 · 27/08/2015 07:11

OP - I think you're within your rights to ask for a business plan if they expect you to hand over cash for their "awesome" business and the lack of one is a legitimate excuse not to (as well as the person being a cheeky caaaaaah)

Busyworkingmum71 · 27/08/2015 08:11

Agree with Mrs Lupo, crowd funding can be for businesses or charity, but for both before anyone parts with any money there should be a robust and available to view business plan detailing inputs, outputs, costs, returns, profit - for more than the first year of trading. And in return investors get a stake in the business, or some other valuable consideration. People seem to think that crowdfunding is a quick and easy way to get cash, but don't realise you need to do more than write your hopes and dreams in a space. There's should be weeks of research, planning, scoping and a hefty amount of realism.

YANBU - wouldn't give either of them a bean without seeing evidence of the above. Especially the travelling duo.

Trills · 27/08/2015 08:20

SGB - if there are people out there who think that the work your friend is doing is academically important, she could get people happily willingly giving money.

Nobody thinks that the OP's friend having a holiday is important for anyone other than the friend.

RhodaBull · 27/08/2015 08:43

Unfortunately the terms "kickstarter" and "crowdfunding" have been appropriated by the stingy who have seen an opportunity to fleece friends/family/vague acquaintances for luxury items such as traaaavel (holidays) and Phds (avoiding drudgy work).

I have contributed to a kickstarter project which I really believed in (and which sadly failed to attract sufficient funding) but when I see flippin' holidays dressed up as worthy volunteering I start grinding my teeth.

Queeltie · 27/08/2015 08:45

Surely if you have a mortgage, you have insurance? I thought insurance was usually a condition of having a mortgage.

acatcalledjohn · 27/08/2015 09:19

Grabby and entitled. I would respond to both:

  1. As I am in a stressful job myself and unable to fund my own much needed holiday, I feel it is inappropriate to waste my money funding your jolly. If you cannot afford it, don't do it.

  2. I (and with me I'm sure many others) would like to see your business plan before I decide whether I invest in your business.

But then again I don't care much for losing acquaintances/friends who take the piss.

I'm all for helping people, but the sheer number of charity runs is getting silly and impossible to keep up with. I only now donate when I see fit.