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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my DD have play dates at a friends who is a single father

157 replies

KTlee · 25/08/2015 15:18

My DD is 7 years old and going in to year 3 in September. DD and two other girls in her class are best friends and regularly have playdates. There have never been any issues.

Myself and the two other parents, know each other quite well and will often go out for coffee during term time. I have no issues with either parent.

However, we have been taking it in turns to host the playdates for our DD's, DD has been to both of her friends houses many times. Each time one of DD's friends is invited over to the other girls house however her mother will make excuses for why she can't come. She is always fine coming with her DD coming over to my house. The mother will always say she is busy when the other parent offers. Earlier when I was discussing with her a suitable time for our DD's to go, she came out with that she doesn't allow her DD to go to this house because the parent is a single father and there is no adult female present. She thinks I should be the same and is shocked I let DD go.

As I said all three of us are pretty good friends and meet often during term time. Myself and mother to DD's friend often talk about what a good dad the other parent is to his children so I don't get the issue. He volunteers so has a CRB so that can't be the issue.

AIBU to let my DD freely go to playdates around her friends house where her father is a single parent or is the mother of DD's other friend being Unreasonable not allowing her daughter on playdates unless a female adult is present?

Should add that the playdates are for a few hours - a day, not sleepovers. Not sure if that makes a difference.

Hoping that the other parent is being unreasonable as DD loves going to her friends house and he is a genuinely lovely guy who just happens to be the sole carer for his children and currently have no girlfriend.

OP posts:
starlight2007 · 25/08/2015 18:27

I am a gut instincts person..My DS had sleepovers at his friends house..She got a boyfriend who for reasons I felt uncomfortable about so my DS never stayed there again..He has stayed at other peoples houses.

The problem with this theory is all abusers are not men so she needs to avoid play dates completely

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/08/2015 18:27

This is all just getting a bit ridiculous and out of hand now...

Gymbunny1204 · 25/08/2015 18:32

Catmilkman - I think dangerous is a ridiculous over reaction.

I would be very surprised if a victim of abuse used those words and find it hard to imagine. My thinking that has no bearing on anything. It is not judging or dangerous.

Itsmine · 25/08/2015 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DotForShort · 25/08/2015 19:10

I think your friend is being very unreasonable indeed. It is a sorry state of affairs when a man is automatically viewed with suspicion, whereas a woman is perceived to be perfectly safe and trustworthy based on nothing beyond their respective genders.

Desertedislander · 25/08/2015 19:24

I'm sad for this guy. Some posters are speaking as though he's a known abusers who claims to have been rehabilitated! I can't stand this "child abuser unless supervised" mentality. Disgustingly prejudicial.

SookyBunny · 25/08/2015 21:53

I also feel sad for this guy. I have incurable cancer and at some point the reality is that my husband is going to be a single dad. It breaks my heart to think that my family will be without me and that on top of that people may not let their kids have playdates with mine because I got some shitty cells and my lovely husband ended up single. Horrible.

Shutthatdoor · 25/08/2015 22:06

Flowers for you Sooky

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/08/2015 22:08

Oh Sooky Flowers

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/08/2015 22:09
Flowers
SookyBunny · 25/08/2015 22:28

Ach thanks! I wasn't looking for sympathy (weeeelll, maybe a wee bit!) but this is actually something I have thought about, whether people would be wary of letting their kids have sleepovers and stuff and, sadly, this thread has shown that my worries aren't unfounded and that does depress me a bit and makes me feel very sorry for DH and my children.

Desertedislander · 25/08/2015 22:31

FlowersSad Sooky.
I have borne a friend in mind as I read this thread, he's a single dad after losing his wife and is one of the best all-round people you could ever meet. Gives me shudders thinking about people saying this kind of stuff about him.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/08/2015 22:41

Sooky I genuinely believe that most parents would not have the issues a couple of people have said in this thread. Please don't waste any time worrying about this. Spend your time concentrating on you, your children and your husband. My thoughts are with you all. Flowers

Junosmum · 25/08/2015 22:41

Because a man can't take responsibility for his child and be a good father without being a paedophile? She the unreasonable one, not you.

wannaBe · 25/08/2015 22:57

[Flowers sooky. tbh anyone who is that prejudiced isn't worth having as a friend anyway, so console yourself with the fact that your dh will be surrounded by lovely caring people. x

This is the problem with the people who feel they have the right to be quite that prejudiced without valid reason. The men they are being prejudiced against are actual people, not just invisible risks in someone's head.

People state here that one must spare a thought for people who have been through experiences which have led to this level of paranoia, but where is the thought for those people who are being tarnished with an unfair reputation purely on the basis of them being men? Where is the thought for the children of these men who may have found themselves being brought up by their father after having lost their mother? is it right that children should be the subject of prejudice because they don't have a mother?

And still no-one has answered my question as to whether any of the prejudiced people on this thread have sons, and how you deal with the realisation that your son is going to become one of the men you guard against....

Shutthatdoor · 26/08/2015 09:22

And still no-one has answered my question as to whether any of the prejudiced people on this thread have sons, and how you deal with the realisation that your son is going to become one of the men you guard against.

Good point

Itsmine · 26/08/2015 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleLionMansMummy · 26/08/2015 11:01

I know that some people don't allow sleep overs for this reason, which is their choice but I personally think is very sad indeed. Our preferred method is to instil in ds from a very young age trust in us to tell us when he is uncomfortable with something, no means no, secrets are bad and that if another person touches him in a way he doesn't like he tells us. Also, no adult, whoever it is (family included) should ever ask him to touch their privates. It's all you can do really and unfortunately children are more likely to be abused by a family member who most of us wouldn't think twice about sending our dc to stay with. Very saf but true.

Incidentally I often had sleep overs at a friend's (single father) house and it never occurred to my parents not to let me. He was, and remains, totally genuine, normal and in every respect a great dad - as most are. However, another friend was abused as a teenager by her stepfather - someone in a seemingly happy marriage. I never went for sleepovers because my parents didn't like the family (for no other reason than they had a troubling reputation and had run ins with the police, I hasten to add).

borisgudanov · 26/08/2015 12:35

I was once sitting in a softplay place reading my Kindle whilst the DC played on the playframe. There was a party going on and half a dozen women taking pictures of their DCs with cameras. Taking photographs in the softplay area is ostensibly prohibited.

I was thrown out for "taking pictures which for all we know you might be E-mailing to someone". The Kindle neither takes pictures nor sends E-mail. I was reading a bloody book, for God's sake.

The women taking pictures were not even spoken to.

GraysAnalogy · 26/08/2015 12:38

Well least we can say now that 'female privilege is being able to hold play dates for your kids'

Northumberlandlass · 26/08/2015 12:47

You are NBU
Your friend is BU.

I am friends with a single Dad, he has 3 kids and lost his wife to cancer a few years ago. He is a top bloke and I feel sad that he might be thought of like this.

Ridiculous/hysterical things being said on this thread. As a general rule when DS was younger (he's nearly 12 now), it would be about knowing / trusting the parent that would be looking after them - it had bugger all to do with their gender.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2015 12:48

Your friend is being very unreasonable, I hope she does not have sons. I would be very happy for my friends dh to look after my dd and ds, if you trust them male or female, what's the problem.

Roomba · 26/08/2015 12:53

Your friend is being utterly ridiculous.

I have noticed that since I split with my ex, a couple of his friends will only come over for play dates when DS is at my house, rather than when he is at his fathers'. Ex lives nearby so it's not a logistical issue. In this case, the parents all knew ex before we split, and have sent their children to our home when I wasn't going to be present before, so it's even more stupid. Or maybe just coincidence... but I suspect not.

Itsmine · 26/08/2015 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 26/08/2015 13:36

"we know you might be E-mailing to someone". The Kindle neither takes pictures nor sends E-mail. I was reading a bloody book, for God's sake."

Interesting. What happened when you called the manager and explIned the situation?