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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my DD have play dates at a friends who is a single father

157 replies

KTlee · 25/08/2015 15:18

My DD is 7 years old and going in to year 3 in September. DD and two other girls in her class are best friends and regularly have playdates. There have never been any issues.

Myself and the two other parents, know each other quite well and will often go out for coffee during term time. I have no issues with either parent.

However, we have been taking it in turns to host the playdates for our DD's, DD has been to both of her friends houses many times. Each time one of DD's friends is invited over to the other girls house however her mother will make excuses for why she can't come. She is always fine coming with her DD coming over to my house. The mother will always say she is busy when the other parent offers. Earlier when I was discussing with her a suitable time for our DD's to go, she came out with that she doesn't allow her DD to go to this house because the parent is a single father and there is no adult female present. She thinks I should be the same and is shocked I let DD go.

As I said all three of us are pretty good friends and meet often during term time. Myself and mother to DD's friend often talk about what a good dad the other parent is to his children so I don't get the issue. He volunteers so has a CRB so that can't be the issue.

AIBU to let my DD freely go to playdates around her friends house where her father is a single parent or is the mother of DD's other friend being Unreasonable not allowing her daughter on playdates unless a female adult is present?

Should add that the playdates are for a few hours - a day, not sleepovers. Not sure if that makes a difference.

Hoping that the other parent is being unreasonable as DD loves going to her friends house and he is a genuinely lovely guy who just happens to be the sole carer for his children and currently have no girlfriend.

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 25/08/2015 16:23

Red Hot. I think that's what its called. The porn site?
She called dd late at night and told her to look it up on internet.
DD came and told me she didn't want to.
The film was a recent one, one word but I don't remember the title a horror film I believe.
Sometimes you just know there's something not right about a person, you don't need evidence.

As I said though other man I know is fine.

TalkinPeace · 25/08/2015 16:25

NewLife
I think this is the bit that has flummoxed everybody
and he has several snakes. The ones that killed those poor children on the sleepover.
Would you care to elaborate what herpetology has to do with CRB?

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/08/2015 16:25

Newlife all of that makes no sense at all Confused

BertrandRussell · 25/08/2015 16:26

And the snakes?

coffeeisnectar · 25/08/2015 16:29

I think it's really sad that the child in question is missing out because her mum is being paranoid. And it's simply because he's a man.

I have let both my girls be in the care of a man when they've been out with friends, if the mums been at work or its a single dad. I make my judgement based on the person not their genitals. There are a few women I wouldn't leave my kids with and one man that I have serious reservations about.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/08/2015 16:29

Friend now watches Red Hot, x rated films that the father buys for her and he has several snakes. The ones that killed those poor children on the sleepover

I'm sorry, are you saying the dad buys her porn or something? If so, why are you wittering about it on here instead of contacting the police and social services?!

Also, eh?! to the snake thing.

MsTargaryen · 25/08/2015 16:36

People have all sorts of experiences that affect how they parent. Getting help for upsetting experiences isn't as easy as clicking your fingers and whoosh yay magically sorted so it doesn't affect children. I think it's a shame the mum in the op doesn't seem to care about trying to cover up her personal issues a bit better to save the dad hurt feelings though. And it's unreasonable that she is trying to influence the op.

Itsmine · 25/08/2015 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/08/2015 16:44

new's post sounds like some kind of urban legend.i don't recall hearing about any snakes that killed kids recently.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2015 16:47

I would just like to interject, for the 'pedophile on every corner' people, the incidence, depending on what definition you use, ranges from 0.5% of men to around 5% of men. www.bbc.com/news/magazine-28526106 That means that in a group of 200 men, you are very likely to find one. There is indeed one on every corner. Well, in a well populated area.

Now, I don't think that means that my DD can never play at anyone's house with a man there. But it does mean that charges of 'hysteria' and 'Daily Fail reader' style insults are a little unfair.

LazyLohan · 25/08/2015 16:47

What cultural background is this woman from? I'm just asking because I know there are some cultural backgrounds which have an issue with people spending time with people of the opposite sex unless accompanied by a family member, even in adulthood. This can include men being alone with women but is predominantly women being with unrelated men without a chaperone.

Incidentally this thread did make me raise my eyebrows. I know one single father. Ironically children would have been in much more danger visiting that house when the children's functioning drug addict and personality disorder riddled mother was at home before he came to his senses and booted her out.

FrenchJunebug · 25/08/2015 16:54

The other parent sounds like a prejudiced plank who reads way too much Daily Fail scaremongering articles. I'd be fine letting my children have a play day at the home of a friend, intend to base my trust in their character rather than their genitals.

thank and yanbu.

Gymbunny1204 · 25/08/2015 16:54

itsmine by people I meant posters on here.

I suspect the snakes are the same type as ones who killed children who were on a sleep over.

CatMilkMan · 25/08/2015 16:57

Gymbunny, I'm not sure it's fair to judge abuse victims like that.

BertrandRussell · 25/08/2015 16:59

"I suspect the snakes are the same type as ones who killed children who were on a sleep over."

Where and when did this happen?

RedToothBrush · 25/08/2015 17:00

Abuse happens in homes where a female is present.

How does the parent dropping off a daughter know that during the time her daughter is in another home with a married couple that the mother isn't going to nip out for a while to get something?

My point being, that if the logic is that being around a male alone is an issue, how does the parent ensure that the child isn't alone with a man when it comes to couples?

Unless the parent concerned makes a fuss about it with all friends and makes sure they are aware of her concerns then yep, she is sexist because she is not only assuming that the male alone is a risk, but she is also assuming that the woman in the couple is the only one responsible for the childcare.

Personally, if a man is a single parent then I think there is something to be said here. Generally custody tends to go to the mother. So if the father has been given custody then it tends to go in his favour about him being suitable and trustworthy. Its not a given, but I think it would make me think more of him rather than less.

If the other parent has a vibe or isn't comfortable with this man, then saying she just didn't fully feel comfortable with her daughter being at that house is different to saying because he is a single father. The difference is having a problem with an individual rather than a group.

I think people should make the effort to get to know ALL parents - male and female, single or in couples and make a judgement call on a case by case. Not just assume that its the Mum that does the kid stuff so therefore there is no risk.

And from what information the OP has said, the other parent has made a generalisation based on gender and marital status alone so is therefore unreasonable.

BalthazarImpresario · 25/08/2015 17:02

My DD is the same age as the children in OP. There has been a single man move into the street who has a boy a year younger than DD, he has him alternate weekends/during the holidays etc.

DD goes into his house, has been to softplay with him and his dad and I've taken the son to the park, we've only just swapped numbers for when one of us is out with the kids. I haven't thought of him any differently to if it was a mum.

My dp is a very full on parent, he enjoys playing with kids etc (I tolerate it to make them happy) so all I see is a parent rather than a man.

She is a fool!

Gymbunny1204 · 25/08/2015 17:05

catmilkman -Confused where am I judging victims?

GraysAnalogy · 25/08/2015 17:09

People defending the mum, how would you feel if we swapped sex for race?

CatMilkMan · 25/08/2015 17:09

"Peado on every corner, kiddie fiddler comments , would never be made by a victim of child abuse, imho."

I think it's a bit dangerous to think this, I know you said it's your opinion and you have every right to it.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 25/08/2015 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Desertedislander · 25/08/2015 17:14

I think your friend is BU.

I can see where she's coming from, but I her assumption is unpleasant.
Having said that, what would he do if one of the girls needed clean pants or something? It's tricky. I would be very upset if a "friend" didn't allow their son to play at my house because I'm a single mum.

FWIW I think your friend is putting himself in a vulnerable position, not sure what he'd do about sleepovers and things in the future.

Gymbunny1204 · 25/08/2015 17:18

Catmilkman, that is not judging. I'm saying that in my opinion victims of abuse would not be using Peado on every corner and kiddy fiddler as a comment. How on earth is that judging or dangerous ConfusedConfused.

GraysAnalogy · 25/08/2015 17:21

I wonder what people would say if this was a dad not wanting his child to go round a single mums house

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/08/2015 17:22

I would assume he'd provide a change of clothes.

Kids of about 4 and over can wipe themselves and dress themselves and dont need hovering over in the bath.

no different to what I'd do if looking after a chikd