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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my DD have play dates at a friends who is a single father

157 replies

KTlee · 25/08/2015 15:18

My DD is 7 years old and going in to year 3 in September. DD and two other girls in her class are best friends and regularly have playdates. There have never been any issues.

Myself and the two other parents, know each other quite well and will often go out for coffee during term time. I have no issues with either parent.

However, we have been taking it in turns to host the playdates for our DD's, DD has been to both of her friends houses many times. Each time one of DD's friends is invited over to the other girls house however her mother will make excuses for why she can't come. She is always fine coming with her DD coming over to my house. The mother will always say she is busy when the other parent offers. Earlier when I was discussing with her a suitable time for our DD's to go, she came out with that she doesn't allow her DD to go to this house because the parent is a single father and there is no adult female present. She thinks I should be the same and is shocked I let DD go.

As I said all three of us are pretty good friends and meet often during term time. Myself and mother to DD's friend often talk about what a good dad the other parent is to his children so I don't get the issue. He volunteers so has a CRB so that can't be the issue.

AIBU to let my DD freely go to playdates around her friends house where her father is a single parent or is the mother of DD's other friend being Unreasonable not allowing her daughter on playdates unless a female adult is present?

Should add that the playdates are for a few hours - a day, not sleepovers. Not sure if that makes a difference.

Hoping that the other parent is being unreasonable as DD loves going to her friends house and he is a genuinely lovely guy who just happens to be the sole carer for his children and currently have no girlfriend.

OP posts:
ladyrosy · 25/08/2015 15:32

I would like to point out that in my opinion, the odds are low that he is an abuser. I don't know the guy though, and low odds clearly states that it isn't entirely risk free. Statistically, she is probably overreacting.

Shutthatdoor · 25/08/2015 15:32

You need to teach dc safety issues whether at school, the park or a friends house regardless of who the adult supervising is.

Completely agree.

scarlets · 25/08/2015 15:32

I feel terribly sad that a single dad is being treated like this, but maybe she has a painful history. Chances are she's just a bit of a silly fool with a peeeeeedo complex though.

WorraLiberty · 25/08/2015 15:33

I disagree that it's unreasonable prejudiced nonsense. IMO neither parent is wrong here.

Can you explain why the sexist one isn't wrong please?

How does her explanation of because the parent is a single father and there is no adult female present, make her not in the wrong? Confused

StatisticallyChallenged · 25/08/2015 15:33

If she has a legitimate reason for believing he's a risk then well done. If that belief is based on his possession of a penis then not remotely well done.

And whilst I have every sympathy for those who would not leave their child alone with a man because of previous experience of abuse it doesn't make it reasonable. Understandable, absolutely. But it's a response to trauma and it's possible to be understandable without being reasonable.

BertrandRussell · 25/08/2015 15:34

"but you might want to spare a thought for all the people who have very good reason to be "paranoid" or "overprotective" based on their own experiences, and be both thankful you don't and a little more understanding."

I can see why people might be- but it is a parent's responsibility not to let their own prejudices- wherever they came from- impact on their children. So yes, paranoia cam be understandable, but allowing it to restrict your children isn't.

fabuLou · 25/08/2015 15:34

Your friend sounds a right tit. Its nither to do woth gender, if you ate happy with the father let dd go of course!

My dd has a friend whose mum died when she was in receptionSad it didn't even cross my
Mind not to let dd visit. The fanily have enough to cope with.

ilovesooty · 25/08/2015 15:35

I think I'd be reassessing my friendship with her.

I'm in the unreasonable and prejudiced camp.

ladyrosy · 25/08/2015 15:35

Ktlee, she's generalising way too much. Women aren't 100% safe and unsupervised men are not 100% unsafe.

YANBU to assess each situation on its merits, rather than generalising.

wannaBe · 25/08/2015 15:35

no-one has "reason to be paranoid based on their own experience." An experience may explain someone's paranoia but it doesn't justify it. Being abused by a man does not justify viewing all men as abusers. So if the mum has had an experience which makes her paranoid then the issue is her's and she should seek help to deal with it before she allows it to affect her child.

And those saying they would understand, you do know that women abuse too? The worst abused people I know were all abused at the hands of women, sexual, emotional, physical, so people who think that by disallowing contact with men over women they are somehow keeping their children safe are delusional.

I hope none of these people go on to have sons. For their sake...

StatisticallyChallenged · 25/08/2015 15:36

Well aware of the stats glitteryarse but it still doesn't make assuming every male is a threat to your child and banning all contact a logical response.

Roussette · 25/08/2015 15:36

How utterly sad. Imagine how this Dad who is trying to do the best for his child would feel at knowing that he can't be trusted and is a paedophile in waiting. Does the mother intend to keep her DD away from all men who dont have partners?

Yes, what about male teachers, male swimming instructors, male cub leaders. I think the hysteria about men is appalling. As someone said, there are women out there who abuse and women who aid and abet men in their activities.

If she had a son would it be different?

TheRealAmyLee · 25/08/2015 15:37

My DD goes to her friends a lot. Sometimes her friends mum is there, sometimes her dad, sometimes both. I know both parents and have no reason to object.

Would she let a ds go I wonder? Or let a ds go to a single mums house?

You have to do what you feel comfortable with but I do feel for anyone who has such paranoia over things like this. It can't be an easy life tbh.

peggyundercrackers · 25/08/2015 15:37

YANBU - your friend seems a bit nuts if she wont allow her DD to go to any house that doesn't have a female as part of the household. hopefully her paranoia wont wear off on her DD

Mulligrubs · 25/08/2015 15:39

Because the NSPCC states 1 in 20 children have been sexually abused. 90% of this abuse is carried out by men who are family members or known to the family. It is not as rare as posters on here make out.

This mother is being overcautious but she may have a reason to be overcautious. I still don't think she is being sexist since children are statistically more likely to be sexually abused by a man than a woman. Again, overcautious in this case but I still don't think she is being sexist or wrong.

Roussette · 25/08/2015 15:41

I still think it's appalling. Men can't help a lost child, men can't pick a child up that's fallen over in a play park, men can't even look at a child before some paranoid woman looks at them like they are about to commit some gross act and snatch their child away.

nauticant · 25/08/2015 15:42

I'd say that herself is BU and yourself is NBU.

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/08/2015 15:42

But if she suspects he's a risk why be friends with him? If he's a danger why would she invite him to bring his dd to the house?

why would you socialise with someone you thought was fingers?

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/08/2015 15:43

aaah

dangerous.

stupid phone

Roussette · 25/08/2015 15:43

When my DCs were little and my DH was between jobs at one point he used to have my DDs friends over on a playdate. Is that now not allowed?

wannaBe · 25/08/2015 15:44

so how many of the "reason to be over cautious" brigade dare to leave their children alone with your dh/dp? you know, given that most children are abused by a family member you do know that statistically your children are more likely to be abused by their father? so best prevent him from being allowed to look after them on his own right? no didn't think so.

Roussette · 25/08/2015 15:45

Well therein lies the rub Giles.

"suspects" = he's male most likely.

"if he's a danger" = course he is, he's a man

Your last sentence, really can't type it - again, he is not female so why wouldn't he be.

If she knows different, well ... fair enough... but I bet you not.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/08/2015 15:45

How sad and pathetic. Her attitude will have an effect on her daughter. Particularly when people cotton on to why she's not allowed to certain friends houses.

Glitteryarse · 25/08/2015 15:45

statistic it's not about assuming every male is a danger. It's about how safe this mother feels about her dd bring in his care. She doesn't want her there for reasons unknown to the op so she shouldn't be judged on it.

It's terribly glib to trot out the usual 'pedo on every corner' and paranoid of all men' tripe when posters have no understanding of how sexual abuse can change you way of thinking.

my eldest is 20 and my youngest is 2 and neither are scared of men but I was very wary of leaving them alone with them. Fsmily members included.

Original poster
KTlee · 25/08/2015 15:46

Glad people don't think i'm being an irresponsible parent allowing dd to have playdates round his house, she always has such a good time there and is full of stories of things they have done (which usually involves mud so glad it happens round his house :) )

OP posts:
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