to let my DD have play dates at a friends who is a single father

[KTlee]

My DD is 7 years old and going in to year 3 in September. DD and two other girls in her class are best friends and regularly have playdates. There have never been any issues.

Myself and the two other parents, know each other quite well and will often go out for coffee during term time. I have no issues with either parent.

However, we have been taking it in turns to host the playdates for our DD's, DD has been to both of her friends houses many times. Each time one of DD's friends is invited over to the other girls house however her mother will make excuses for why she can't come. She is always fine coming with her DD coming over to my house. The mother will always say she is busy when the other parent offers. Earlier when I was discussing with her a suitable time for our DD's to go, she came out with that she doesn't allow her DD to go to this house because the parent is a single father and there is no adult female present. She thinks I should be the same and is shocked I let DD go.

As I said all three of us are pretty good friends and meet often during term time. Myself and mother to DD's friend often talk about what a good dad the other parent is to his children so I don't get the issue. He volunteers so has a CRB so that can't be the issue.

AIBU to let my DD freely go to playdates around her friends house where her father is a single parent or is the mother of DD's other friend being Unreasonable not allowing her daughter on playdates unless a female adult is present?

Should add that the playdates are for a few hours - a day, not sleepovers. Not sure if that makes a difference.

Hoping that the other parent is being unreasonable as DD loves going to her friends house and he is a genuinely lovely guy who just happens to be the sole carer for his children and currently have no girlfriend.

oh, and given this woman seemingly thinks her child might be in danger from this man on the basis he is a man, what is she doing to protect the child who lives there full-time so who is more likely in more danger from him? or is it ok to leave her to her own devices while she protects her own child? Either he's a risk, in which case she should report to the police/ss etc, or he isn't, in which case she needs to get a grip.

You're saying that 3 of you are good friends, is that correct? How can someone think of their good friend as of paedophile? These two things contradict each other in my opinion.

If there are reasons, that is different.

If there are no reasons just the fact he is male, that is dreadful.

If a man is a single parent to his sister because her mother has died.
Does that make him a risk to other children?
Should she miss out on play dates as well as a mother?

wannbe your father statment is completly untrue by the way.

I just feel sorry for single dads who do most of the parenting, SAHDs, widowed dads - to have that thinly disguised suspicion following you round your best efforts at parenting is very very sad.

My friend died two years ago this week leaving behind a six year old and a three year led. It never occurred to me that my DCs couldn't play with hers because her husband is now on his own.

I also don't think stopping DCs from spending time with men on their own does much for their safety. Plenty of paedophiles used women to attract children and the vast majority of men are not paedophiles. I have come across two paedophiles, one was an administrator in my school. He was beloved by parents, he offered evening classes and had unlimited access to children. The children knew what was happening but no one listened to us. The second was a very respectable, presentable and mannered gentleman...with a conviction and prison sentence for exposing himself to children. When the first child spoke about this the police went back and interviewed other children he had come into contact and most of them had been abused. My view on this is that we must empower children to speak up and listen to them when they do, not isolate them from other people.

op you do what you want with your own kid- just don't judge others for not following suit

The three of us are good friends, or at least this is how it came across and she often comments on what a good father he is and how good he is with kids in general.

I get the impression her DD is not allowed at any house without an adult female present, so not just this guy who she seems to genuinely like, just obviously doesn't trust him because he's male

Based on the ops post there are no reasons beyond him being male. That is unreasonable.

Trauma of any sort can change how we think about a whole host of things. It doesn't make the resulting thoughts correct, logical or rational. Let's say that someone has been in a car crash and are consequently terrified of all motor vehicles. It would be understandable thst they wouldn't want to go in any. Or for their child to do so. But would it be reasonable to limit their child's life to places they can reach on foot or on a bike?no it would not.

And when you've had to listen to as many stupid comments about men who work with kids as I have I can assure you it's neither glib nor tripe.

Having a CRB check doesn't mean that person is not a potential, or past, abuser. It just means they've not been convicted.

I think you have to make your own choice regarding your own child. It's good to have a rethink when someone queries a decision you have made but to stop because of someone's worry without foundation is daft. Complacency isn't good either but everything is a leap of faith.

I think your friend is unreasonable as well. Yes, men are more likely to be sexually abusive than women, but paedophiles don't stand out of a crowd either. Being a single father does not make him more or less likely to be one. I'm sorry for all those who have suffered abuse on here, but there cannot be a cycle of fear, including innocent men who can't help being single parents. If we take the OPs friend's mentality, we might as well avoid all men all together, just to avoid us or our children being near the few who are causing such harm.

Last week my 10 year old stayed at her friends house. She only sees her friend eow when she stays with her dad (mum lives 15 miles away).

Dad is lovely and I had no problem with DD staying there - Just as I had no problem with DD staying in the adjoining house, where her other friend lives FT with just her mum.

I would be a hypocrite if I had said No to last weekends sleepover when I said yes to the one at the start of the hols.

What happens when it's a single mum but there's a teenage big brother?

op you do what you want with your own kid- just don't judge others for not following suit'

If someones behaviour is questionable then of course people will judge and question the decision and rightly so.

"but you might want to spare a thought for all the people who have very good reason to be "paranoid" or "overprotective" based on their own experiences, and be both thankful you don't and a little more understanding." previous poster.

I can see why people might be- but it is a parent's responsibility not to let their own prejudices- wherever they came from- impact on their children. So yes, paranoia cam be understandable, but allowing it to restrict your children isn't. - Bertram's post.

Bertram - how is it being prejudicial to be concerned about your child being alone with a male because you have been abused by a male? Plus I'd much rather restrict my child than go against an instinct of keeping them away from a person who makes me uneasy.

I didn't let my dd go to her friends house with just the father. He was a good dad by all accounts. Turned out I was right, I had no evidence or anything against the man. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.
DD was mortified and her friend found somebody else to go over and on camping trips/ sleepovers/ hanging out etc.
Friend now watches Red Hot, x rated films that the father buys for her and he has several snakes. The ones that killed those poor children on the sleepover.

She had another friend who I had no qualms with allowing to go round etc with a single father.

A crb and volunteering means nothing, you go with your gut instinct and this parent seems to have done that.

Well...being in possession of an offensive weapon myself, I understand where this woman is coming from. My upbringing was rife with perverts, all male, all respectable. I can point out two houses in our street of 80 odd with a registered sex offender. One is a juvenile. Occasionally a local child weeds my front garden for a couple of quid. He doesn't come in the house unless DD or DW are present, even though his parents know me.

Paranoia might not make you happy but it'll keep you safe.

It's very hurtful when people make casual statements about a mother being paranoid that a man has even looked at her child. If you havent been abused you can't imagine how it affects you.

Peado on every corner, kiddie fiddler comments , would never be made by a victim of child abuse, imho.

Id rather rely on my own judgement than let hysterical prejudice cloud my view...

"Friend now watches Red Hot, x rated films that the father buys for her and he has several snakes. The ones that killed those poor children on the sleepover."
Eh?

Friend now watches Red Hot, x rated films that the father buys for her and he has several snakes. The ones that killed those poor children on the sleepover

You've lost me there...