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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a parent and baby room isn't a sickroom?

145 replies

CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 08:59

During the summer holidays my church has no creche or sunday school provision as numbers are low and people are on holiday.
What we do have is a small room at the back of the hall that is a parent and baby room, it even has a sign on the door saying this.
It's quite nice, comfy sofas, some toys for the little ones, a big window so you can still see the service and a speaker so you can hear it. The children can make a bit of noise if they want to without disrupting the service.
Sadly, the room is regularly used by other people as it was yesterday.
I went in with my 16 month old son after forty minutes as he was wanting to run about and be noisy. There were three people asleep in there! None of them had a small child with them.
I went in with the attitude that my son was going to be noisy so if they woke up then tough, they should have picked a better place to sleep. I was also annoyed that there wasn't room for me to sit.
One of them stirred, had a loud coughing fit and sneezed. She looked at me and said "Oh... I'll try not to cough on him."
Gee thanks!
I remarked that she really shouldn't be using the room if she was contagious and she promptly got up and pretty much ran out of the room before I could say anything else. She went to the loo.
Her sleeping friend woke up and then tried to guilt trip me into letting her friend stay as "she really wanted to hear the service."
I replied that I wasn't wonderfully keen on that as I couldn't take my son back out as he would disturb everyone and he's had two bouts of bronchiolitis in the last year and way too many head colds. He's not long over one and I'd like to keep the risk of catching any more to a minimum.
She said she'd take her friend back home - which is in the house right next door to the church hall.
Dh thinks I was right to stand my ground but I have to admit I'm wavering. Do I keep insisting the parent and baby room not be used like this or do I owe her an apology?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 24/08/2015 13:43

Of course it's not reasonable for these young people to take over this room to sleep in or socialise in, ill or not, and from what I can gather only one of them was unwell.

It has a sign on the door saying it's for parent with babies. The OP couldn't sit down because they were lying all over the seats.

The posters on here saying the sleeping people's behaviour was acceptable would, I take it, be happy to go into a shop changing cubicle, for example, and finding someone there asleep would be happy to just walk out again and try the clothes on in the middle of the shop, because clearly that's the right thing to do if you're sharing and caring.

If the young woman was unwell she should have stayed at home.

Thelushinthepub · 24/08/2015 13:43

I might change my mind then. Sounds like it's the lodgers sitting room too?

blaeberry · 24/08/2015 13:44

So they didn't run crèche because someone in the house was ill but that ill person sat in the baby room instead?

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:45

Rally, your church sounds like a really nice group of people.
I'm not sure how small a percentage of people are bothered by children's noise, but they're the vocal ones.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2015 13:45

Maybe our church really is unusual - people's attitude is that the children are everyone's responsibility to look after.

Often in practice this means everyone thinking it is up to someone else to stop children behaving badly so kids run amok while their parents are obliviously chatting away to their friends drinking tea. Parents are responsible for their own children. Obviously there'll be occasions when others are better placed to step in but expecting others to routinely correct bad behaviour is not on.

vestandknickers · 24/08/2015 13:45

I certainly hope your church is unusual rally. How is your child supposed to learn how to behave if nobody can be bothered to teach her?

rallytog1 · 24/08/2015 13:48

It's a tricky one spicy. She knows how to behave and is getting much better in church - eg she's started sitting quietly in prayers and copying how everyone else closes their eyes. But I think the reason why she's getting so much better is because she isn't constantly being shushed or bundled out, and has had the chance to observe how people behave in church and copy them.

We are also pretty strict with her generally - we're only more relaxed at church because we always get told off for restraining her or taking her out. A bit of me does feel uneasy about it - but I can't stress enough how much we've checked, checked and checked again that people aren't upset or bothered by her. And she's not the only child in church - they're all encouraged to be free-range.

AliceInUnderpants · 24/08/2015 13:49

rally - My daughter will walk into the back of people not looking where she is going. I usually apologise on her behalf and get told "It's okay". No, it's not! People say that out of manners - it's a British thing. I still point out her mistake and ask her to apologise and try to prevent it happening again. When you allow your toddler to continue this behaviour, you are reinforcing it. At some point, fairly soon, your toddler is going to be a pre-schooler, then a school aged child, where the behaviours you mention aren't considered "cute" or "funny", and all you'll have done is reinforced to her that she can continue. Yes, others may permit her to do this, but she is your child, your responsibility to teach.

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:49

There's more than one lounge in the house (it's big). The family that run the house have a private set of rooms within the house that is considered (usually) their private space. The lodgers have their own rooms and there are other communal rooms for general use. None of the communal rooms are safe for crèche due to reasons I have mentioned.
Perhaps I should ask for money to be invested in some more comfy chairs for the hall.

OP posts:
rallytog1 · 24/08/2015 13:51

Ok, thanks for all the lovely assumptions about my parenting and my church. You don't know me, you don't know my dd, and you don't know my church. I am very much not an oblivious tea drinker letting my child run amok while everyone else picks up the pieces.

I was trying to support the op in letting her know that many churches are much more welcoming to children than hers seems to be. Will be leaving the thread now.

Marcipex · 24/08/2015 13:52

Do the lodgers have to attend church as a condition of being there, do you think?

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:53

Thanks for explaining rally Smile
I do have to agree with alice though.
You might make things more difficult for both of you if you allow her to continue.

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:53

I do appreciate the support rallytog.
I'm still not really sure what I should do if I need to use the parent and baby room again and its full. I accept I am being unreasonable to ask someone to leave.

OP posts:
Witchend · 24/08/2015 13:54

Someone once fell asleep during one of Paul's sermons. They fell out of the window.

Dh sometimes falls asleep if he's been found street pastors the night before... He gets in at 4am after walking the streets. I poke him if he snoresGrin

If I or one of the dc turns ill at church it isn't as simple as go home. Because we come quite a distance and only have 1 car. If I go back in the car then either everyone has to come back- which if dh is leading worship is not ideal, or I have to come back to fetch them, or we need to ask someone to go out of their way to stop 3-4 people back at our house... In reality that's usually asking 2 people and although people are always very good about it, sometimes removing me and or child to a deserted room is the more sensible option.

When they went in, it was empty. I assume they chose that room as it is, like ours, radio linked so they could hear the sermon.

I think if I'd been in that situation I'd probably have kept the dc over the other end of the room, which would be pretty low risk. If I'd been worried I'd have said something about not disturbing them and taken a few toys for them to play at the back. No one minds that.

Marcipex · 24/08/2015 13:54

Rally,before you go....I loved your description of your toddler and I bet she's a joy. I like to watch children play, myself.

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:54

cigar you must have missed my other posts asking where you are?

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:54

Marci, no they don't. No one has ever been forced to attend.

OP posts:
Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:55

Sorry Gosh. I live in the UK, south east.

OP posts:
Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:58

I like watching children play, l'm sure most well adjusted adults do too.
However, l'm sure there are many members of the congregation that'd prefer a bit of peace while praying.
rally l'm sure your little girl is lovely. I don't think any posters were saying otherwise.
Just that it is very, very, unusual to let a small child do as they fancy (in church especially)

madhairday · 24/08/2015 14:00

Does sound a different set up, is the baby room usually used by lodgers during the week? (sorry my head is a bit on the fuzzy side today) :)

Thinking about comfy chairs is a good idea but I think the more core issues of welcome and inclusivity need addressing.

I know many churches like Rallys where children are welcomed. I would always encourage parents to feel comfortable but wouldn't encourage them to abdicate responsibilty for their child. However, I have been in some church situations where children turn up on their own and are fairly obvious let's say - a balance needs to be found here of welcoming and helping the family. This is a different situation again, though, but it's always worth thinking about all the possibilities.

Hope you can find a way, OP. What denomination does your church belong to now? Sounds like it was set up in a certain way but may have lost its way in some things over the years? Always good to review and move on, change is good. How long have you attended? Maybe you could become the person who brings about a change for the better.

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 14:01

Thank you cigar okay, l stand corrected. I've never come across 'your' style of worship/church in this country.
It sounds very American and quite different.
Well, l know you've already said you think you've been unreasonable. I hope your little one keeps well. Smile

madhairday · 24/08/2015 14:02

Hope you are ok, rally - your church sounds lovely. Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2015 14:02

rally my church has the issue with oblivious tea drinkers because everyone assumes someone else will police the kids under the umbrella of collective responsibility for them. We had a 90 year old lady knocked over by some rampaging five year olds. She was incredibly lucky not to break her hip. I wasn't saying that this was your style of parenting. It is clear from your later post that it isn't. Some parents do forget that while they are the ones who should be making sure their kids are behaving in an appropriate way. That doesn't mean sitting still doing nothing. It does mean not being dangerous and not being so noisy that no one can hear the service.

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2015 14:03

Sorry for the rogue "while" in there! It should have got deleted on editing.

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 14:08

If it happens again I'm going to stay in the service. He's not a massively noisy kid, just likes to stretch his legs a bit.
I grew up in this church. When I was young there were a lot of children of all ages. From about 1990 onward there started to be less, just less young families around. I think people got used to that. We were never completely devoid of babies and very young ones, but there were a lot less.
In the late 00's we've had a bit of a baby boom, lots of babies and little ones about now. I think the church is really struggling to readjust again.

OP posts: