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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a parent and baby room isn't a sickroom?

145 replies

CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 08:59

During the summer holidays my church has no creche or sunday school provision as numbers are low and people are on holiday.
What we do have is a small room at the back of the hall that is a parent and baby room, it even has a sign on the door saying this.
It's quite nice, comfy sofas, some toys for the little ones, a big window so you can still see the service and a speaker so you can hear it. The children can make a bit of noise if they want to without disrupting the service.
Sadly, the room is regularly used by other people as it was yesterday.
I went in with my 16 month old son after forty minutes as he was wanting to run about and be noisy. There were three people asleep in there! None of them had a small child with them.
I went in with the attitude that my son was going to be noisy so if they woke up then tough, they should have picked a better place to sleep. I was also annoyed that there wasn't room for me to sit.
One of them stirred, had a loud coughing fit and sneezed. She looked at me and said "Oh... I'll try not to cough on him."
Gee thanks!
I remarked that she really shouldn't be using the room if she was contagious and she promptly got up and pretty much ran out of the room before I could say anything else. She went to the loo.
Her sleeping friend woke up and then tried to guilt trip me into letting her friend stay as "she really wanted to hear the service."
I replied that I wasn't wonderfully keen on that as I couldn't take my son back out as he would disturb everyone and he's had two bouts of bronchiolitis in the last year and way too many head colds. He's not long over one and I'd like to keep the risk of catching any more to a minimum.
She said she'd take her friend back home - which is in the house right next door to the church hall.
Dh thinks I was right to stand my ground but I have to admit I'm wavering. Do I keep insisting the parent and baby room not be used like this or do I owe her an apology?

OP posts:
Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 12:55

The third person (male) jumped up and left very suddenly when another mum came in with a much younger baby than mine. I think he thought she was about to breastfeed. He has issues about that Hmm

OP posts:
PollysHoliday · 24/08/2015 12:57

The sleeping adults are odd. If you are well enough to get up, dressed and into church you are well enough to sit in a chair in the nave of the church. i don't understand the just listening to the service bit either. Surely participation is needed, responses, prayers, taking of communion?

Marcipex · 24/08/2015 12:59

I wonder if this is in the UK. I've never seen a church with a dormitory like that.

Op, I think you might need to find a more welcoming venue.

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 12:59

Are you in America?

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:00

I suspect you might be.

var123 · 24/08/2015 13:03

I'd find a new congregation, if I were you. It sounds like you all compete to be as uncharitable and as selfish as possible.

If you think about it, you are moaning that sick people are preventing you from getting a seat! It would be a peculiar attitude to take at the best of times, but in church...!

Given the circumstances, would it have killed you to just sit at the back of the church and take the little one out if he starts making a noise?

blaeberry · 24/08/2015 13:05

UK electric sockets are pretty safe. A toddler would have to push something firmly into the earth and leave it there before they could gain access to the live socket.

I feel quite mixed about the parent and child room thing. When I was pregnant (early so not visible) I really could have done with a nice sofa and managed to fall asleep on upright chairs. Not for the whole service. I would feel really reluctant about putting anyone off coming. Being in the room and asleep I think I would just have to try and accept though I would let my child play and wouldn't worry if they woke them. Whatever their reason they are in church which is good. I would maybe chat when they wake to find the reason they don't sit in the service and at that point maybe raise the difficulty for parents. If they weren't ill (hungover?) maybe they could provide a summer crèche service? It might make them feel useful and welcome.

rallytog1 · 24/08/2015 13:09

Tbh I think your church is being unreasonable. Children should be welcome in church just as they are. Sure, some will be noisy and struggle to sit still but if there's no creche or Sunday school running, this is the church's problem, not yours.

My church has no creche or Sunday school over the summer - we've got a table where kids can sit and draw at the front, then a little play area (with non-noisy toys) at the back. The little ones just wander as they please. My 2yo regularly plonks on the piano during prayers, steals the communion bread from the altar or pushes her toy buggy round during the sermon. Everyone is happy with this. It's her church too.

If your church is making you feel like you've no option but to leave the room or leave the building altogether, I'd suggest you might want to find another church.

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:13

rally are you sure nobody minds your two year olds behaviour?
I get the buggy bit. Your other examples seem to be at the expense of the rest of the congregation though.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 24/08/2015 13:15

Someone who is unwell and contagious should not be hanging out in a mother and baby room. It's just common sense!

Thelushinthepub · 24/08/2015 13:15

Wtf would anyone go to church to have a lie down and nap? Why go there to be ill? Completely weird. Yanbu

vestandknickers · 24/08/2015 13:18

rally are you sure the rest of the congregation don't mind your 2 year old?

AliceInUnderpants · 24/08/2015 13:20

Wow rally. The pushing her buggy round sounds fine, but the others I think you should intervene if it's your child.

In the OP you said the sleeping people lived next door, now you say it's them that run the sunday school/creche?

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2015 13:21

What are you doing rally when your daughter is "plonking on the piano during prayers" and "stealing the communion bread"? That really isn't acceptable behaviour.

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:28

Sorry, I wasn't specific enough there. There is a family who live in the house who are in charge of the day to day running of the house. They don't run the crèche but it is run in their private lounge.
Other people live in the house too, most of them twenties ish. It wasn't a member of the family who run the house that was asleep in the parent and baby room, it was one of the lodgers in the house (it's quite a big house).
Sorry for the confusion.

OP posts:
Thelushinthepub · 24/08/2015 13:30

I'm finding it very hard to imagine this. Is it a house church? I was expecting a regular church building

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:32

Where are you op?

rallytog1 · 24/08/2015 13:33

To respond to all of you... when she's doing all these things, I am trying to stop her but being told by everyone else just to let her get on with it! Or I'm leading the worship and dh is looking after her and being told to let her get on with it. I'm constantly trying to stop her or apologising to people she may have disturbed, but we end up being the ones getting told off for trying to restrain her.

Didn't realise my church was so unusual...

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:35

So you two are in charge rally?

vestandknickers · 24/08/2015 13:36

Rally - you are her parent. She should be stopped from behaving like that whatever the others in the congregation say.

madhairday · 24/08/2015 13:37

Sounds to me like the church could do more to help both groups in this situation.

If there are people who are unwell (perhaps chronically so?) and want to come to church, to be part of it and see others, to gain support and worship together (going to sleep doesn't preclude this, it might be the only way the sick person can cope with being out) - then how could the church support them? Perhaps make a more comfortable space within the church, with nice chairs/sofas where people feeling not so great can relax and doze if they need to, and feel a full part of the worship, not feeling they have to go and hide away.

Regrarding the parent/baby room, I'm more concerned about the attitude of sending you out of the service if your child is noisy. For me, that's not inclusivity. The comments to you about noise are out of order and out of the spirit of church which is meeting together as a church family of all ages to worship and support one another. Noisy children are part of this - and should be celebrated. I don't think having a room is a bad idea for those who want to take their baby out, but I don't think it should be default. In our church we have a mat with toys in the service, and children happily run around and dance etc, it's lovely.

Could this be an opportunity to talk to the leadership about how these groups can be fully embraced and included?

Speaking as both a church leader and a chronically sick person.

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:38

We have - a large hall where most meetings are held. On the same site there is a large house which used to be used for the services, but the main lounge got way too small. So the hall was built.
One family lives permanently in the house and oversees the general running of the place. There are a number of lodgers.
The house is 150ish years old and is in need of some modernisation in places! As I said the private lounge that the family use is the only suitable place for crèche. It's not just about plug sockets, its big open fire places, trailing wires, and stuff in the rooms that aren't ideal for having very small children around.
The church iirc, started in the 1960s. It was a part of the house church movement.

OP posts:
rallytog1 · 24/08/2015 13:39

No. I lead the worship (ie music) sometimes - at those times dh looks after dd. Maybe our church really is unusual - people's attitude is that the children are everyone's responsibility to look after.

Even if that's weird, I still think a church is wrong to make you feel like you have to leave the room at times when the creche or Sunday school isn't running.

Original poster
CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/08/2015 13:42

Madhairday I'm now thinking I should show them this thread!
Actually I'm not that brave. Thanks for what you wrote, it was really touching. I think we should be like that, but it doesn't happen.
I live in the UK. We are not a 'standard' church. I used to think we were quite inclusive.

OP posts:
Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 13:42

I think your church is unusual rally
Do you think she should be taught, to behave?
I'm wondering if you've tried, and the resulting noise has made worshipers prefer the alternative? Wink