To have lost my temper so badly

[Topazblue]

I feel awful :(

I just lost my temper severely with my dd (13) and shouted and screamed and swore at her. I feel like the worst mother ever

For weeks she has been going to my bedroom to do her hair and make up etc etc every day.
Every day she leaves her stuff all over my floor and everyday I'm nagging her to clear it away.

The last few days she has even left oily cotton wool pads with eye make up on all over the carpet (new) and she doesn't listen to me when I ask her not to
Yesterday I said "it's fine to use my room as I know I have a big mirror and the light is better in there but please can you put a towel out so I don't get make up on the floor, clear up afterwards and stop leaving hot straighteners on the carpet"

This morning I was greeted by a scene of destruction and mess yet again. Make up on the floor, dirty oily cotton wool balls strewn across the carpet, hairdryer, straighteners etc etc everywhere.

I asked dd to move it and she started tutting and mumbling. I asked again and she threw her straighteners down (still hot!) and they hit the skirting board and then the carpet.

I'm ashamed I lost it completely. Screamed and swore in her face then scooped up all of her stuff put it on the landing and shut the door on her.
She's in bed sobbing now and I feel awful.

I'm a bitch aren't I and a rubbish mother I shouldn't have lost my temper like that :(

[Theycallmemellowjello]

No, it's fine. She is old enough to know that her actions affect others and that you have feelings too. I'd apologise for shouting/swearing when you're calm, but also firmly explain why you were so upset.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I agree with theycallmemellow. She wouldn't be using my bedroom again either.

[Nabootique]

Honestly, I would have done the same. You asked time and again. She didn't listen and she is old enough to pick up after herself. Dirty cotton wool everywhere is just gross If she's reacted like that you obviously don't lose it like that very often, so you've been pushed to the limit. I imagine she'll listen now though!

I'd just say how you feel, how bad you feel for having spoken to her like that, but reiterate what you need from her.

[helenahandbag]

No, she was asked repeatedly and still showed a complete lack of respect for your bedroom. Fair enough, swearing was maybe unnecessary but you were pushed into blowing your top.

She can't just ignore your wishes, trash your room and go about her day.

[hullabaloo234]

Oh OP, you are not a shit mother, just one at the end of her tether! Children can really try our patience sometimes and whilst it's not ideal to lose control and shout, ypu are only human.

Give yourself time to calm down then go in, give her a hug and explain that you love her dearly but she needs to start respecting you and your private space.

Big unmumsnetty hugs for you, I promise she will forgive you x

[Pomegranatemolasses]

Well the screaming and swearing in her face is not great, is it?

I think you need to apologise to her for that, and she needs an appropriate sanction for her behaviour.

[Savagebeauty]

I would ban her from your bedroom
You have been very reasonable and she has deliberately ignored your requests.
Leave her to sob and reflect on her behaviour

[Goshthatsspicy]

Your daughter was hardly an angel.
I'd apologise for swearing and leave it at that. I think you should stop her from using your room for now too. I don't think she is taking any notice of your requests in how to use it.

I had a massive shout at my 16 year old DS today. I only apologised for the swear word. They need to know if they hurt or piss us off.

[Narp]

I think we've all done it. I know I have. Not sworn in the face, but raged and sworn.

All you can do is wait until you feel completely calm and apologise for your behaviour.

It's all a learning curve isn't it? I just try to think about why it got to the stage of me feeling I have no control, and try and prevent it next time. But it happens - you are a human whose got her own stresses etc.

You are not a bad mother. Bad mothers don't care about this stuff.

[onthematleavecountdown]

YWNBU

She is old enough to understand what you were asking of her. If I were you I would for a few days take the straighteners or make up off her if you paid for them.

[Narp]

who's, not whose

[Narp]

And I agree with the others - don't prostrate yourself so she somehow gets the message she was perfectly ok to behave as she did

[DurhamDurham]

We have all done it, it is a stressful time having teen girls....I've two girls aged 22 and 18 and by far the worst age for both of them was 13. They were emotional, argumentative, pushed boundaries and generally were not very nice people. I didn't always cope with it very well, I remember shouting at them and on one occasion I actually threw something across the room at my oldest, it missed completely but that was just sheer luck.

The good news is that by the time they were 15 they were back to being lovely, funny, kind girls and we enjoyed each other's company again.

Don't be too hard on yourself, I always made a point of saying sorry when I lost my temper and then spoke to them about why I had lost it.....we are human too and have our own emotions etc so don't always behave how we might be expected to.

The main point is to keep talking to each other, to apologise when you need to and accept their apologies when they are forthcoming. It does get easier I promise.

[GnomeDePlume]

I agree with mellowjello. Teenagers can be insufferably selfish and oblivious to the upset they cause to their parents. The sobbing is probably more to do with having suddenly discovered that:

a. the world does not entirely revolve around her
b. you are human

[googoodolly]

Apologise for the shouting and swearing, but not for dumping her stuff or for being angry.

I would also ban her from your bedroom (get a lock for your door if necessary) and from using your stuff until she learns some respect.

Also, if she can't be trusted to turn her straighteners off after using them, I would seriously be re-considering whether she's allowed to use them unsupervised. They're so dangerous if left on - they get ridiculously hot and if she leaves them on the carpet and buggers off to school, you could be dealing with a massive house fire.

[Topazblue]

I don't think I've ever had to shout at her so badly and I feel awful I don't actually know what came over me :(

She's usually very good but this using my room has become a real issue. I don't mind her using it o just don't like how she messes it up and has no respect for me at all. I think it was her tutting and mumbling that irritates me then throwing the straighteners was the last straw.

I don't even swear that much it just all came out. I think she was terrified I rarely raise my voice like that

[OTheHugeManatee]

YANBU for getting angry with her. Her total refusal to do as you asked speaks of a lack of respect for your space and wishes. I'd have been angry too.

The only question I have is about escalating more gradually. You went straight from tolerating her disrespect / nagging her to change to going absolutely thermonuclear. She must have got the impression that ignoring your requests has no consequences and I imagine she was pretty shocked when you lost your temper. Perhaps next time if you give her clear consequences for not doing as she's asked, and then follow them through before you get to the thermonuclear yelling stage, it might save both of you some heartache?

I'm a bit at the idea that it's the OP who should apologise though.

[Narp]

I've got teen boys.

It's not without its stresses, and I know not all girls are difficult, but i do wonder how i'd cope with the combination of my own (often hormone-induced) angry moments and theirs

[diddl]

Does she have no mirror & no light in her room then??

I think that she has behaved really badly, but you do seem to have indulged her!

[Topazblue]

No, she shares a tiny room with dd2 and there's only a small window and no plug near the mirror so she's been using my room which I don't mind providing she doesn't make it such a mess.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

It's respect isn't it, she isn't respecting your space and she is expecting you to clear up her mess.

I would apologise for the shouting and the swearing but be clear that she cannot use your room until she can prove she can treat it, and you, with respect.

[IceBeing]

I think you need to very much separate the two things.

My DF used to blow up like that...rarely but extremely violently and you would never know what about. It has left me with anxiety issues and confidence problems.

So you really need to let her know that you absolutely shouldn't have frightened her and that it was wrong and that you are sorry (which you obviously are!)

Then completely separately talk to her about her inappropriate behaviour and what she needs to do to earn back the privilege of using your stuff in future.

[DriverSurpriseMe]

We've all lost it.

When you're ready, apologise for the shouting and swearing but not for losing the plot over her using your room as her dressing room and bin.

[Narp]

Topaz

Just read your last post

Well then maybe the message will get through finally. I know it's not how you wanted, but it's certainly not the end of the world

[OTheHugeManatee]

I've just re-read the OP. This has been going on for weeks? Why didn't you put a stop to it after the first few times?