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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have lost my temper so badly

121 replies

Topazblue · 21/08/2015 14:24

I feel awful :(

I just lost my temper severely with my dd (13) and shouted and screamed and swore at her. I feel like the worst mother ever

For weeks she has been going to my bedroom to do her hair and make up etc etc every day.
Every day she leaves her stuff all over my floor and everyday I'm nagging her to clear it away.

The last few days she has even left oily cotton wool pads with eye make up on all over the carpet (new) and she doesn't listen to me when I ask her not to
Yesterday I said "it's fine to use my room as I know I have a big mirror and the light is better in there but please can you put a towel out so I don't get make up on the floor, clear up afterwards and stop leaving hot straighteners on the carpet"

This morning I was greeted by a scene of destruction and mess yet again. Make up on the floor, dirty oily cotton wool balls strewn across the carpet, hairdryer, straighteners etc etc everywhere.

I asked dd to move it and she started tutting and mumbling. I asked again and she threw her straighteners down (still hot!) and they hit the skirting board and then the carpet.

I'm ashamed I lost it completely. Screamed and swore in her face then scooped up all of her stuff put it on the landing and shut the door on her.
She's in bed sobbing now and I feel awful.

I'm a bitch aren't I and a rubbish mother I shouldn't have lost my temper like that :(

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/08/2015 15:12

What consequences did she face when you found out she was lying about feeding the rabbit and causing it unnecessary suffering?

Topseyt · 21/08/2015 15:12

I don't think you are a bad mum. Your DD knows exactly what she is doing and has pushed the boundaries too far.

To be honest, go further. Take away her makeup and hair equipment. She can only have it back each morning once she has fed and watered her rabbit. That is shocking. The rabbit could have died because she prioritised her hair and makeup!!! Not on at all.

Seriously, read her the riot act and do NOT feel guilty about it. The life and health of a living animal is dependent upon her and is far more important than whether or not she has a hair out of place.

I wouldn't apologise either. More likely tell her she finally got what she justly deserved, especially in the light of the neglect of her rabbit.

Original poster

Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:13

We told her that was it, no second chances he just isn't her pet anymore. She didn't get her allowance that month either

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/08/2015 15:13

What she cares about is up to her but it doesn't mean she gets to cruel, rude and disrespectful.

Original poster

Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:14

Ds does the rabbit now each morn with a little help from me or dh (he gets a bit nervous as rabbit is over friendly and jumps a lot when expecting his food!)

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/08/2015 15:15

I'm sorry but I think you need to get much tougher with consequences. She probably didn't want responsibility for the poor rabbit anymore so her sole punishment for disgusting behaviour was to lose her allowance for a month.

Topseyt · 21/08/2015 15:18

Also, tell her that you will be checking each morning that the rabbit has clean water and fresh food. If she starts lying and slacking off there again then tell her you will reluctantly have to consider rehoming poor rabbit as she cannot be trusted with his care.

AuntyMag10 · 21/08/2015 15:19

You should not apologize to her, it seems like she received a well deserved shock for her actions. She needed to learn that you have your limits. Apologizing would send a message that her tears worked. Leave her alone for a bit and speak to her later about setting up some house rules and definitely address the lying and allowing something living to get so ill. She will not be scarred for life, it might just be the jolt she needed to start taking things seriously. And she's old enough in any case.

Original poster

Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:20

She cried as said he is her pet and she didn't mean it she just 'forgot' I think really she expected somebody else to do it, which if I'd known she hadn't fed him or given him water I would have done but she lied so we thought he had been fed etc

It was only when dh looked closer and realised the water bottle was bone dry that we realised. The rabbit then spent 45 mins drinking once we have him water and after that jumped out and cuddled and licked us (he has never done that before or since ) like he was actually thanking is it was so sad poor little thing. Dd knew what she had done

Today I think I just lost it as I'm sick of asking her to tidy up after herself. She would happily live in an absolute pig sty of a house with her immaculate hair and make up

OP posts:

IceBeing · 21/08/2015 15:23

Please take the makeup and hair straighteners off your DD!

It is right now at this age that boys are focussing on building confidence and academic skills and girls are focussing on looking sexy that leads to so many of the problems to come. Girls start losing confidence, dropping out of science subjects and maths and getting serious body image problems.

Giving her free reign to spend all her time on vanity is not doing her any favours for the future whatsoever.

Right now its likely that your DD's greatest aspiration is to be considered sexy by older men. Is that what you want for her, is that the limit of your aspiration for her? She can't know there is more to life if you don't help her to see it.

Jenda · 21/08/2015 15:24

I don't think you need to apologise. My mum very rarely lost her temper but when it did we realised we had really messed up and needed to sort it! If she's that precious about the make up I would be telling her if it wasn't cleared immediately it would be binned. and stick to it, even if I had just hidden it to be earned back. I was similar with my mum's room, she got a lock on the door! Her losing her temper didn't scar me, it taught me a bit of respect

diddl · 21/08/2015 15:24

I also think that losing allowance & th rabbit asn't nough.

She'd have lost all her make up & the bloody straighteners for a while as well from me!

IceBeing · 21/08/2015 15:26

I completely disagree with the people saying you don't need to apologise.

Either having a screaming swearing tantrum is okay behaviour or it isn't.

The last thing you want is a teenager who thinks its okay to swear and scream at you.

Set a good example and admit when your own behaviour isn't acceptable.

Topseyt · 21/08/2015 15:28

OK, have you actually told her that rabbit is no longer hers?

I'd be finding further consequences. You have to. Neglect of an animal sufficient to cause it suffering like that is actually a criminal offence and she showed how totally irresponsible and immature she is.

Take away all makeup, stop her allowance indefinitely, make her do household chores, ground her from going out with her friends indefinitely. Anything else you can think of too.

Sazzle41 · 21/08/2015 15:28

Cheap cotton rug for bedroom by the mirror? Or can she do her makeup in kitchen with a mirror on a stand? At least floor is wipe clean there? Don't be too hard on yourself. And what consequences are there for her behaviour? If you just fester then erupt it solves nothing. You need strategies.

Original poster

Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:30

Yes she was told the rabbit is no longer her pet

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 21/08/2015 15:30

Wow. Her behaviour is just shocking IMO.

She needs to learn some manners and consideration for others. Being cruel to animals is absolutely unacceptable.

I don't think you owe her an apology.

Nabootique · 21/08/2015 15:30

After reading about the rabbit I would definitely have confiscated the make up for a while. How can it take so much time? If it is literally not leaving time for anything else then that is strange, and possibly a bit obsessive!

Inertia · 21/08/2015 15:32

No, you are not a rubbish mother- just at the end of your tether.

I agree with a PP that gradually escalating punishments are generally better, but actually your DD escalated the situation dramatically by throwing down hot straighteners, which was a bloody stupid and dangerous thing to do! By doing this, and leaving hot straighteners on the carpet, she is demonstrating that she isn't mature enough to understand the safety risks of using them, and I'd be considering taking them away altogether for the time being.

Don't think I'd allow her to use my bedroom either, if it were me- is there any other space (landing?) that she could safely use? A wastebasket in the same spot would help- no excuse then.

Glad to see that your DS has stepped up in terms of rabbit care- had you considered increasing his allowance as a reward for taking on extra chores which were not his responsibility, and demonstrating to your DD that actions can have longer term consequences too?

Topseyt · 21/08/2015 15:36

I still sat don't apologise. I wouldn't.

She had it coming and you gave her both barrels. Fair and square.

Let her stew. She has brought it on herself and has nobody else to blame.

I have always operated that way. My teenagers have never ranted and screamed back at me.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/08/2015 15:39

I don't think I'd apologise tbh. I'd sit down stony-faced and say 'We need to have a conversation', then explain why you reacted as you did - her obnoxious attitude and refusal to comply with your very reasonable request to TIDY UP HER SHIT tipped you over the edge. Calmly explain to her that the use of your room is a privilege, not a right, and if she can't obey your very simple rule about tidying up then she will not use it. End of.

End by stating that you are willing to let her use the room again on condition that:

a) a towel is put down
b) dirty items are thrown in the bin IMMEDIATELY afterwards
c) hot straighteners are moved to a non-burnable surface to cool down.

If you want some action points going forward (hello management course ) you can suggest to her that you BOTH go shopping for:

a) a rug to go under the mirror where it stands, so that make-up is less likely to stain the floor
b) a small bin to go by the mirror for ease of disposal
c) an oven dish or something like it that will live by the mirror and serve as a holder for straighteners.

I imagine that she is really unimpressed by the fact that she has no space of her own to do her make-up in, so maybe getting her involved in steps like this will help her to feel like she's being heard (and make her less of an arse to be around).

Topseyt · 21/08/2015 15:39

Still say don't apologise. Bloody autocorrect!!

FreckledLeopard · 21/08/2015 15:50

I lost the plot with 14 year old DD a couple of months ago. Normally she's no trouble at all but on this particular day, she had PMT and was being the stroppy teenager from hell. After ruining everyone's day (it was a bank holiday), she sat in the car, sullenly, rudely and I totally lost the plot as I was in the driving seat.

I gave her such a verbal lashing and called her a "selfish little shit". I was in tears. She hasn't acted like that since (and it seemed to get through that I was at the end of my tether. She seemed shocked that I'd sworn at her).

I apologised for the swearing but not losing the plot. There's only so much any parent can take and teenagers really know how to push buttons.

Guitargirl · 21/08/2015 16:04

Crikey OP - you have a lot more patience than I do.

The neglect of her pet would have been the end of make-up and straighteners for me. If she wants 'grown-up' privileges at 13 then she needs to earn them IMO. Starving a pet and then lying about it is bloody awful.

And why on earth does a 13 year old need her 'own space' to do her make-up FFS? What's wrong with the bathroom mirror?

TheCatsMother99 · 21/08/2015 16:14

Try not to beat yourself up about it... I'm pretty sure I'd have done the same.

As others have said, it's all about respect. Hopefully now she knows how much it upsets you she'll have a bit more respect for your space.

Hope things are ok between you soon

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