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Original poster

To have lost my temper so badly

121 replies

Topazblue · 21/08/2015 14:24

I feel awful :(

I just lost my temper severely with my dd (13) and shouted and screamed and swore at her. I feel like the worst mother ever

For weeks she has been going to my bedroom to do her hair and make up etc etc every day.
Every day she leaves her stuff all over my floor and everyday I'm nagging her to clear it away.

The last few days she has even left oily cotton wool pads with eye make up on all over the carpet (new) and she doesn't listen to me when I ask her not to
Yesterday I said "it's fine to use my room as I know I have a big mirror and the light is better in there but please can you put a towel out so I don't get make up on the floor, clear up afterwards and stop leaving hot straighteners on the carpet"

This morning I was greeted by a scene of destruction and mess yet again. Make up on the floor, dirty oily cotton wool balls strewn across the carpet, hairdryer, straighteners etc etc everywhere.

I asked dd to move it and she started tutting and mumbling. I asked again and she threw her straighteners down (still hot!) and they hit the skirting board and then the carpet.

I'm ashamed I lost it completely. Screamed and swore in her face then scooped up all of her stuff put it on the landing and shut the door on her.
She's in bed sobbing now and I feel awful.

I'm a bitch aren't I and a rubbish mother I shouldn't have lost my temper like that :(

OP posts:
Spilose · 21/08/2015 14:42

I feel for you OP. Honestly she'll get over it. Apologize for the way you spoke to her once you're both calmer. And still, I'd ban her from your room. You say you don't mind but she clearly has no respect, she needs to earn your trust.

PoshPenny · 21/08/2015 14:42

You're not a bitch, nor a rubbish mother.

You asked and asked nicely, she chose to ignore and ignore, and then start bloody tutting, like you were being the unreasonable one. End result - you lost it. It may have been better if you hadn't sworn in her face (clear loss of control), but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Don't apologise for it. Don't worry about her crying, it's likely out of shock that you finally stood up for yourself and put her in her place, after weeks of her disrespecting your wishes, trashing your bedroom and there not any consequences for doing that.

I would be banning her from using my room too after this, she had her chance(s) and blew it.

Original poster
Topazblue · 21/08/2015 14:46

I let her carry on because despite having to nag her to tidy up her mess she was eventually doing it and I thought it would get better but the last week especially she's just made more mess in there and left it.

Also have had issues where she's not fed her pet and it nearly got ill as she's been too busy with hair and make up and we had words over that too.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/08/2015 14:47

I would take the straighteners away for a week. What she did was dangerous, she could have hurt herself or you, or she could have started a fire. She doesn't sound mature enough to be allowed to use them.

SmashleyHop · 21/08/2015 14:48

My DS is nearly 13 and I can completely sympathize. I'm not sure where my lovely little boy has gone- I've got a boy who steals from us, lies, never listens the first second third fourth time I have asked, stays up till all hours of the night and then treats us like crap the next day because he's tired.. Ugh. I have to say this summer holiday I feel like all I've done is told the poor kid off and taken things off him.

The other day I finally snapped and shouted and said if he didn't get his shit off the stairs in 5 minutes I'm going to bin it. I instantly regretted it- normally I pride myself on controlling my language around the kids. But between his awful behavior, two ill toddlers and being pregnant with number 4 I just lost my shit.

I gave myself some space from him, let him get on with finally doing what I asked of him. Then pulled him aside and apologized for swearing at him. I did reiterate though, that if I found his stuff on the stairs again I would just start binning his stuff till he had nothing left to bin. Today he has lost lego and his sneakers (which admittedly needed to go anyways but was helpful in proving I am serious with my threat)

AuntyMag10 · 21/08/2015 14:48

I think she deserved it really. She's at an age where she is more than capable of taking simple instructions, she's completely disrespected you and you've given her weeks of reminding. As pp said the sobbing is probably realizing the world doesn't revolve around her. Given your latest post she does need some consequences.

diddl · 21/08/2015 14:50

Perhaps make up in her room then & in future hair in your room again when you feel that she deserves it.

Original poster
Topazblue · 21/08/2015 14:51

She's just got incredibly lazy and only cares about her appearance

I've felt bad for a while she has no space in her room but she won't respect my space

And the poor rabbit. She was getting up previously and feeding him etc and recently stopped and dos make up first which we told her was not ok. She then lied and said it had been done then he got ill which turned out she hadn't fed or given water for three days :(

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/08/2015 14:51

Bloody hell, we cross posted, the whole bloody lot would go, make up, straighteners, maybe even the hair brush. She is putting vanity above a living creature. She needs to learn about responsibilities and if she can't do both all the crap would have to go until she could look after the pet, she presumably pestered you for.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 14:53

Don't apologise to her. She's completely out of order and needs to know the strength of your feelings.

Do you have a large box she can keep her things in so that she can just bring the box in and take it back again?

FishOn · 21/08/2015 14:54

My mum uncharacteristically lost her shit with me when I was about 14 re my desperately untidy room. She called me a slut Shock

Yes she made me cry, but it had an effect. The sobbing is likely self pity, up to a point.

The rabbit is far more serious in my book - that's awful

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 14:54

I think the rabbit has to go unless her younger sister wants to take on the responsibility for it.

googoodolly · 21/08/2015 14:55

Well, you gave her a chance to use your room with rules, she's blatantly ignored them, so you ban her from your room. It's simple. Get a lock and she can use her own room for make-up, and straighteners only under supervision if she's going to leave them to damage your carpets.

As for not feeding her rabbit, that's disgusting. I would be re-homing him if at all possible. If she can't remember to feed him, she doesn't get a pet.

Gatehouse77 · 21/08/2015 14:57

We've all lost it at some time or other with our children.

I would apologise for the manner in which you lost your temper but not the sentiment behind it.
If it were one of mine, I would ban them from my room, confiscate the make-up/hair stuff and tell her she has to earn them back with good behaviour and helping around the house. Use of my room would be at my discretion when I felt the lesson had been learnt. Any whinging would push that back.

Given that she's 13 I would take a hard (but not harsh) stand as the idea of it escalating as she gets older would be enough to warrant such sanctions. But I'm a tough old boot!

Original poster
Topazblue · 21/08/2015 14:57

Rabbit is no longer her pet. We told her she nearly killed him and lied to us that he had been fed.

Ds was very pleased to look after him and that was the end of the issue. I can't trust her and I can't let a lovely pet die as I don't believe she would feed him properly she just hasn't got the time for him

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/08/2015 14:58

My epic meltdown with my eldest was when she dyed her hair in our brand new bathroom that we had saved for years to do - black splashes all over it. She knew she was FORBIDDEN to dye her hair in our house - I have very very few rules and this was one.

Our relationship has long since recovered!

googoodolly · 21/08/2015 15:00

I'm glad she no longer has the rabbit! Poor little thing :(

diddl · 21/08/2015 15:04

It's unfortunate that she shares a small room, but you would have thought that she would have been grateful to be able to use your room & not abused it.

Not feeding her rabbit for the sake of make up & hair is just shocking.

TheOriginalWinkly · 21/08/2015 15:05

It is absolutely OK to lose your shit with older DC once in a while. It is a good safe lesson that people are not unendingly patient, and won't always ask nicely - especially if it's the twentieth time they've been asked. I agree the sobbing is self pity. Don't apologise! This is an important lesson for her.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 21/08/2015 15:07

I'm pretty sure we'd all react like this under these circumstances but for your own sanity stay calm and use different 'punishment' next time. Take away her make up hair straighteners etc
I know it's extremely hard but keep cool and make her realise the consequences of her actions.. Otherwise she'll do it again

Original poster
Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:08

What really upset me with the rabbit was dh and me kept checking him saying he's def I'll. made vet appt etc and did assured us he had been eating and drinking ok .....

OP posts:
Original poster
Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:08

Dd not did

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/08/2015 15:10

God, the messy room is nothing compared to the rabbit, poor little thing. I understand her priorities have shifted as she is getting older but still.

Original poster
Topazblue · 21/08/2015 15:10

It just seems to be now that all she cares about is her hair and make up its all she does

OP posts:
patch123 · 21/08/2015 15:10

You are certainly not a bad mother, you were just pushed to your limit as you've asked nicely many times and auggested ways it could work. It is more than reasonable for her to tidy up afterwards. We all feel guilty when we get cross but hopefully she's learnt now and will respect you.