To have lost my temper so badly

[Topazblue]

I feel awful :(

I just lost my temper severely with my dd (13) and shouted and screamed and swore at her. I feel like the worst mother ever

For weeks she has been going to my bedroom to do her hair and make up etc etc every day.
Every day she leaves her stuff all over my floor and everyday I'm nagging her to clear it away.

The last few days she has even left oily cotton wool pads with eye make up on all over the carpet (new) and she doesn't listen to me when I ask her not to
Yesterday I said "it's fine to use my room as I know I have a big mirror and the light is better in there but please can you put a towel out so I don't get make up on the floor, clear up afterwards and stop leaving hot straighteners on the carpet"

This morning I was greeted by a scene of destruction and mess yet again. Make up on the floor, dirty oily cotton wool balls strewn across the carpet, hairdryer, straighteners etc etc everywhere.

I asked dd to move it and she started tutting and mumbling. I asked again and she threw her straighteners down (still hot!) and they hit the skirting board and then the carpet.

I'm ashamed I lost it completely. Screamed and swore in her face then scooped up all of her stuff put it on the landing and shut the door on her.
She's in bed sobbing now and I feel awful.

I'm a bitch aren't I and a rubbish mother I shouldn't have lost my temper like that :(

[Topazblue]

The bathroom is just too small, and although there's a mirror on there it's quite dark in there too and she needs "natural light"

[AuntyMag10]

She's 13yo and too young to be so focused on plastering her face with makeup to the point of lying and being disrespectful. I wouldn't go to any trouble of setting up an area, with getting new mirrors and encouraging it. Let her do it in the bathroom or she doesn't have to at all. Her choice.

[MistressMerryWeather]

Don't pander to her make-up needs. Natural light!

Tell her she's not allowed to use your room anymore. End of.

She will cope.

[Topazblue]

I think it's become a big thing over the holidays as make up is completely banned at school and she wants to wear it so being a t home she has put it on every day.

I keep telling her she should go without especially if we are in all day but she wants to practice
I'm quite fed up of her attitude, I've even had to get rid of our cleaner as dd was deliberately not picking up anything after herself and saying "oh the cleaner will do it" so I decided no more cleaner and now when dd complains about the mess it's tough.i keep the front room, kitchen and bathroom clean but if she wants to leave stuff everywhere then moan friends can't come round as its a mess then that's tough luck

It hasn't prompted her to start cleaning up after herself yet but she's starting to notice I think

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Well, the situation doesn't sound that comfortable for anyone at the moment so I thought that perhaps some practical changes might help. The DD is hardly likely to stop focusing on her face overnight, so that's not a battle worth fighting. The battle for respect, however, is.

If the DD can be gently led/forcibly dragged/tricked/whatever into showing respect for the op's space (and op herself) then surely that is the goal? I imagine she'd be a hell of a lot more careful to preserve her right to use a newly attractive make-up space, and that the fear of losing it might compel her to behave better.

A bit of bribery to sweeten the pill - it works for toddlers. Plus the threat to revoke all the lovely stuff won't hurt.

[CaptainKit]

I wouldn't even let her use the bathroom if she can't be trusted to clean up after herself - tell her to keep her make up etc in her room, and if she wants a mirror of her own she can save up her pocket money/ask if there are any chores she can do to earn a little more. It sounds like she needs to learn the value of things.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Cross-posted, sorry op. She does sound chronically messy!

Does she have a dedicated place that all of her crap stuff should go? You mentioned that there's not much room. Underbed storage boxes or one of those plastic shelf sets, perhaps? If there's a dedicated place for it all to be then she will have less excuse for scattering it far and wide.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

I agree with whoever said that it's not on to never enforce any consequences and then just blow up - my own mother would be very unpleasant very occasionally about my 'behaviour' when someone else had expressed surprise and tell me they thought I was awful - but I only ever behaved as she had taught me to.

Though I also agree with the person who said that the throwing the straighteners down was an escalation that warranted an escalation in turn.

[NotdeadyetBOING]

I agree with pretty much everyone else. Apologise for losing your temper and swearing, but she would be banned from my bedroom too. Frankly it sounds to me as if you have been hugely tolerant until now. She is 14, for Heaven's sake.

[lunar1]

Reading all the replies I honestly think I'm living in a parallel universe. She threw scolding hot straighteners and people want to help he set up a lovely area of her own! No bloody way the whole lot would be gone for a week until she could show a more mature attitude. I don't see any need for a softly softly approach here. She has behaved appallingly over makeup and hair products and still has them all!

[loveandsmiles]

I am surprised that a 13 year old is wearing makeup - I would be taking this away from her. Also, if she couldn't keep my room tidy, she wouldn't be getting in it.

She was extremely irresponsible with the rabbit.

YANBU

[LovelyFriend]

There is no way my DD would be allowed to use my room if she treated it the way your DD treats your space and you (your role being to STFU and clean up after her).

I'm not surprised you lost it with her either.

[Rarity08]

Yanbu, neglect of her pet and then lying about it is appalling behaviour. Never mind the rest. I'd confiscate the straighteners until she can use them responsibly.

[Goldmandra]

I think you need to remove her make up and her straighteners and allow her to earn them back, one item per week, by being a respectful family who makes a positive contribution to the household.

I would also take back one of the items whenever she leave mess around or tuts about being asked to tidy up.

[Topseyt]

You got rid of your cleaner! Have you not just shot yourself in the foot?

I would get the cleaner back and just tell her not to bother cleaning in DD's room. DD would also be told that if she leaves mess around the rest of the house so that the cleaner will not be able to clean properly then you will simply bin it and she won't see it again.

Don't let your DD rule the roost. I suspect she is. You need to take control back.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

Is this make-up for school? I'm surprised too if it is. I certainly wouldn't have let my Dd go to school at 13 with a face full of make-up. I might have allowed a lip gloss, but that would be it. And I didn't let her straighten her hair every day back then. It was a special occasion thing only.

YANBU for the way you spoke to her, but you do maybe need to rethink the morning routine and priorities.

[CremeEggThief]

YANBU. Your reaction was a build up to her behaviour over a period of time, not a one off. She pushed you beyond your limits.

[CrapBag]

YANBU. She is old enough to know better.

I've now told my DCs that they will get asked nicely once, they will get told again, after that it's gone. You gave her way too many chances. After the first few times I would have gone in with a bag and picked the lot up. Stuff can be earned back but I am sick to death of repeating myself. My DCs are younger though (and usually end up getting more than 2 chances) the minute I say I'm getting a bag, they hurry and can't get it done quickly enough. They know i'll do it. DS is the eldest at 7 and I threw away something once, it was a cheap thing luckily but something he loved. He is much better than 4 year old DD who is still learning. She did learn yesterday though when I asked her twice to pick up the toy keyboard that she had tipped over and left, she was stood next to me at the time and just walked off. I picked it up, took it apart and put it away. She wasn't happy. I did the same with her dressing up previously that was all over the floor and I asked continuously to put it in the dressing up box that was right next to the pile of dresses. She just kept ignoring me so it went in a bag.

You need to be more firm from the beginning. She sounds very lazy and needs to keep some things tidy even if it's not immaculate, she shouldn't be allowed to dump crap everywhere and think she can leave it. I'd take the makeup away. It sounds like she is wearing too much for a 13 year old. Maybe then she will learn to look after things. The rabbit thing is awful, poor thing.

[magoria]

You need to hit her where it hurts.

Any mess etc not tidied up an item of make up is removed.

It is gone for a week. If she tidies that mess it is returned, if not after a week, bin it.

If she gets shirty and starts throwing her straighteners around do the same, remove them for a week.

[diddl]

Well if no make up for school then that's something.

If she's just practising in the holidays then she can just do that in her bedroom.

As for getting rid of the cleaner-wtaf?

I'd have put her mess on her bed the cheky little madam, even though it would have made work to me.

She's a cleaner not a bloody servant for the lazy!

[Topazblue]

Re the cleaner tbh all she was doing was dcs rooms ! It's made a massive difference not having her (although I feel bad as she was lovely)
Dd especially was too used to having her room tidied for her. Ds adjusted quickly and makes his bed etc but did has just got worse. She moans about it but I just shit the door so i can't see the mess.

I change her sheets every week the rest I leave. She moans it's too untidy for friends to come round but I've explained I can't do everything. I keep areas clean and tidy that we all use but her things are her responsibility

As for the make up I think the strict rules for school have made her want to wear it more out of school. She doesn't even need make up but apparently as I never bother I wouldn't understand

[Topazblue]

Haha shut the door !

I think having the cleaner was making me not address things it was too easy to let them be messy and cleaner do it rather than get the dcs to help. Now they have to tidy their rooms or love with the mess

I like doing my own cleaning, it doesn't take too long each morning so not a problem not having a cleaner now

[YouTheCat]

I'd take all that make up and all those other things off her for the rest of the holidays. She can earn bits back by tidying up after herself.

And that poor rabbit. I also wouldn't apologise. You lost your temper. People do when pushed.

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

You are not a bad mother OP, combined with the rabbit incident I'd have lost my shit too.

[frostyfingers]

Every now and then I don't think it does any harm for our children to realise that parents too are human and do shout and scream.

We spend so much time (well I used to when mine were small, not so much now!) being calm and reasonable it comes as a bit of a reality check when we're not. It doesn't make you a bad parent, just human!