To have lost my temper so badly

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I feel awful :(

I just lost my temper severely with my dd (13) and shouted and screamed and swore at her. I feel like the worst mother ever

For weeks she has been going to my bedroom to do her hair and make up etc etc every day.
Every day she leaves her stuff all over my floor and everyday I'm nagging her to clear it away.

The last few days she has even left oily cotton wool pads with eye make up on all over the carpet (new) and she doesn't listen to me when I ask her not to
Yesterday I said "it's fine to use my room as I know I have a big mirror and the light is better in there but please can you put a towel out so I don't get make up on the floor, clear up afterwards and stop leaving hot straighteners on the carpet"

This morning I was greeted by a scene of destruction and mess yet again. Make up on the floor, dirty oily cotton wool balls strewn across the carpet, hairdryer, straighteners etc etc everywhere.

I asked dd to move it and she started tutting and mumbling. I asked again and she threw her straighteners down (still hot!) and they hit the skirting board and then the carpet.

I'm ashamed I lost it completely. Screamed and swore in her face then scooped up all of her stuff put it on the landing and shut the door on her.
She's in bed sobbing now and I feel awful.

I'm a bitch aren't I and a rubbish mother I shouldn't have lost my temper like that :(

I would definitely banning her from the bedroom for a few weeks. Tough luck about the 'natural light' . Maybe she'll learn to make a bit of an effort and earn the privilege back. It is a privilege, not a right!

As Driver says. We've all lost it, and anyone who tells you they haven't are telling you bare faced lies. I'm always nagging my DD, pick this up, pick that up. I'm like a stuck record.
I can't bloody stand used cotton wool pads and dried up wet wipes. I'm almost bloody phobic, and don't get me started on , ear buds and screwed up towels. I don't why cause I'll freely hold my hands up. I'm a messy cunt.

Every now and then I don't think it does any harm for our children to realise that parents too are human and do shout and scream.

^^ this. I had what can only be described as a tantrum earlier in the week. I'm not proud of it and I was out of order for shouting the way I did so I did apologise for that. I didn't apologise for being angry about something that was completely unacceptable and we'd talked about on countless occasions.

I now feel that actually, it hasn't done any harm for my DCs to understand that I'm not just that woman who runs them everywhere, cooks their meals, washes their clothes, cleans the house and goes to work. I'm also human and deserve some respect.

As she is 13, and receives an 'allowance' I'd add the terms of getting said 'allowance' is keeping her room clean and tidy, and tidying up after herself when she uses your room.

I'd also add that she needs to ensure that her DB looks after and cares for the rabbit properly.

If she breaks the terms of her 'allowance' is either deduced by x per cent - or she doesn't get it for a week, month ect.

Also if she gets an 'allowance' what exactly does she do around the house to earn it?

I'd be making her pay to have the carpet cleaned for a start, then remove the make up and hair straighteners. That poor rabbit, I'd have gone completely ape shit.

We all do it. My DS wound me up to the point the other day where I yelled at him at the top of my voice “WHAT, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.” Made him cry, made me feel like crap but he’d pushed me to the edge.

Kids at home for holiday and staring constantly at screens. Asked them to walk with me into town to get new charging leads for iPhones/iPads for them. DS flatly refused, I said he had to and ended up bodily pushing him out of the door. We were both laughing as this was going on. He immediately jumped in the car, so I said “Never mind walking into town, why don’t we drive to the local forest for a walk?” Started to sulk. Gave him an option, walk into town or walk around forest. Neither of them. So I started to drive towards the forest with him in the front seat and my DD in the back. He waited until we got on the dual carriage way and took his seat belt off. I pulled into a lay-by and said we weren’t going anywhere until he put his seatbelt on. Twenty minutes later DD kicks off because she’s sitting in a lay-by because her brother won’t put his seat belt on. I tell her to calm down because her brother is enjoying the process of winding her up. She then starts to whine and attacks her brother. I really tell her off now but realise that it’s not her fault and pacify her with my iphone(sigh).

He now starts to say “Why, what’s the point? I get enough exercise, why whats the point? I get enough exercise.” Until I flipped and screamed at him.

Hawful. He then agreed to walk round town 10 minutes later and as we pulled up outside the house, his friends called and he ended up playing football which got him away from a screen which was all I wanted in the first place.

Haven’t lost my temper like that in ages. Wish I hadn’t done it. Made me feel awful.

The allowance is not really 'earnt'
We had found that she was asking for money every day for snacks, wanting to go to costa with her friends after school, out at the weekend, wanting bits from lush/make up etc. cinema and train fare etc etc etc and it was costing us £££

We got her bank account and said its x amount each month and that's it as she needed to learn to budget rather than take from us and not actually realise how much it is costing

I have two views.
As an adult I sympathise and its hard to be patient when teens/people mess up your space and don't listen.
But if I remember as a child, if either of my parents had done anything like this I would have been traumatised and just so shocked at their behaviour and upset. I think you should have just told her the room is no longer available to her.
I'm not criticising as I am much more shouty than my parents..they literally never told me off or raised their voices.

YANBU and you're not a bad mum! My sister treated my mum like this from early teens until early twenties when she left home, not from spite but just from a lack of respect. I wasn't living there by that point but I wish my mum had blown up at her at least once!

I would though agree with pp that to set a good example you should explain that your reaction was OTT and you're sorry if you shocked her, but make it clear why you reached that point. She's still very young and probably has a few years to go until she truly realises you have feelings too but it wouldn't hurt to have an honest chat about it.

YANBU. You are a mere mortal like the rest of us and her behaviour is selfish. She's sobbing because she's realised she can't just do what the fuck she likes, at 13 it's about time she learned that.

It was a difficult one with the rabbit. He was overweight so the vet said one small cup of feed each day plus water and lots of hay. He eats it all within five mins of being fed so its usual for bowl etc to be empty so seeing that didn't ring any alarm bells for me especially when dd had said he had been fed etc.

He is a house rabbit so potters about himself and has a run for the garden. Dd used to take him out every day, now it's usually just at weekend when dh is home.

She wouldn't have make up or hair straighteners after the poor rabbit suffered.

I personally think you just shouting at her was far too lenient as consequence of her behaviour!

I've also had a bit of a tantrum this week. A combination of being the 'happy to go along with everyone's plans' parent on days out combined with no-fucker helping me out and whining and generally being anti-social (kids pulling at my clothing big red button of NO and DH being impatient in a queue). I basically ranted and walked off with the tickets and the picnic and headed back to the car.

Even DH apologised and he never apologises.

I apologised to the DDs (primary school age) for blowing my top and scaring them a bit, mostly that the day out was cancelled it must be said. We continued on, with patient queuing and no pawing at Mummy. They only remember the good bits of the day like me breaking my nose and bleeding everywhere. Apparently I was very brave and didn't cry (or swear!)

It's hot, it's summer. We're at the midway point in the holidays and need a breather before we carry on with a second wind. We're only human.

YANBU, she has BU and whileperhaps you could have handled it better, you also could have handled it worse. She's a trainee adult and she needed direction and boundaries, and I think you have achieved that.

screaming in a young girls fa e and swearing at her is pretty damaging i.can't believe so ma y posters think this is OK!

There is about to be a right row when she returns to school & can't wear the make-up - I don't know many schools where a Y8/9 wouldn't be immediately set about with a wet wipe.

No more using your room to titivate in - she's shown she doesn't respect it. No more straighteners - she did something silly & dangerous.

Make up in her room, & a chat about weekends only.

All to be reviewed assuming she gets a grip & shows she can be sensible & respectful.

& yes, apology from you for shouting/swearing, but swiftly followed by new ground rules.

Get rid of the make up for good. She doesn't need it and it will ruin her skin. I "encouraged" my oldest to stay bare faced and now she is 17 she appreciates her spot free skin!!

Encourage a skin cleansing regime instead but I'd really look at how much money she gets and what she's using it on. She sounds quite entitled and while you may have enough money to let her have a generous allowance I'd be wary of giving her too much.

My dd got a job at 16 and has a good work ethic. We quite simply couldn't afford to give her pocket money and while her room has been a tip for four years and I've been nagging about it for four years, I haven't had to deal with anything worse. She's only now Really bothering about make up, doesn't plaster it on though.

Her hair however, has been blonde, Brown, blue, pink and is currently purple. She has gorgeous hair but I've not seen its natural colour for three years.

So get rid of the face gunk and get her motivated with something else. And stop giving her so much money.

I'm not a parent, but I have been a teenager and tested my parent's paitence many times. It's part and parcel of growing up and finding out about boundaries. As there was no physical violence then if you feel sorry for the way you acted and apologise for the reaction, but hold firm on the reason, then you are being a good parent. That's how children learn about boundaries and respect, and crucially how to take responsibility when they face a similar situation themselves.

If she can't practically use another room can you give her her own area to keep her makeup in in yours on the condition that she keeps it tidy and if it isn't it will end up on the landing again? Showing her some trust could be crucial for her at that age, and she will learn how to respect your space too.

I think sometimes you need to lose it to get through to teenagers - otherwise it's just mum nagging yet again and part of the general background noise. I'd apologise for swearing, but I would also expect her to apologise for ignoring you and especially for throwing the hair straighteners. And I'd definitely tell her she's banned from using your bedroom till at least the end of the month, and if she does anything similar again she will be banned for much longer.

I wouldn't ban the make up and straigteners at this point, but I would threaten to if her attitude doesn't change in future. She would however, have lost the right to use my room and would only give that back after a set time, on condition that it is respected or she loses it again.

I would link the pocket money to a tidy room.
I would apologise for the swearing but not for losing it. Calmly lay down the law. In future start consequences for lack of respect at a much earlier point. My room would have been banned after the first couple of ignored requests.