AIBU, DH colleague at work

[Freakingin]

NC - sorry just read back over this and it is so long. so thanks for reading it.

My DH has a potential major confidential career change coming up, he doesn't want even a whisper to get out about it, so we have only told two close friends about his plans.

Today he told me that X colleague (woman at work) has given him a suggestion about this situation. I was furious that he told someone in work and also that he told her, he says he trusts her and that she is a friend.

Anyway, we get into a huge argument about it, she is a junior colleague and I just don't get that he is so close to her that he could tell her this very specific information. I told him that I don't and never will approve of that kind of friendship with a female work colleague, He says that I cannot dictate who he is friends with, that I am unreasonable and that the problem is ME, because I have an unjustified issue with this woman.

The fact is, I do have an issue with this 'friendship', about 3 years ago there was an office party, which was loads of fun, DH and I left at the end of the night to go home, other people ended up going to a party. We were at home in bed, DH drunk and out cold, and about 4am his phone pings with a text message from X, asking him where he is, nothing inappropriate, just 'where are you, are you coming?'

I thought it was utterly inappropriate, 4 am, we are home, how could she feel that she could text him at all. Next day I tell DH about the text and that I thought it was inappropriate that she could feel free to text him in the middle of the night, what kind of work relationship did they have that this was okay to her. Anyway, he defended it, telling me I was making a big thing out of nothing, wasn't inappropriate at all, they are friends, blah blah blah.

DH is senior to her by very many levels. When I was working there is no way I would have even considered texting one of the senior exec's outside of working hours. let alone in the middle of the night. I will never be convinced that I was unreasonable to be mightly pissed off.

Over the past few years, I realise they talk to each other about personal stuff, i.e. one of our kids are sick and he says X gave me the name of this Dr. to consult. X and her DH are buying a business and he looked over the business plan for her. He praises how well she does her job and that she should be promoted etc etc. The hackles on my neck raise whenever she is mentioned, but for the most part I don't say anything. Although there was another blow up about something I felt was inappropriate (can't for the life of me remember now what it was !) on many levels.

Today when I blew up, I said something about them both having lunch together alone (I just threw it in there, didn't have a clue if he lunched with her alone or not) and he said ' I have probably only had lunch alone with her on two occasions, the rest of the time we have been with colleagues '. Well fuck me then !

At the end of the day, I don't think they are having an affair, but I really believe he confides in her and she confides in him.

There was a point in the past few years where our relationship was really rocky, he was going out 3 or 4 nights a week, business meals or out with mates to 'blow off steam'. Business meals which he would not get home from until 2 or 3 am. (I would be invited, but can't leave the kids with a babysitter every night of the week ! ).

He said I was being unreasonable and distrusting, that I was always welcome to come along but I didn't want to, although I would go sometimes, I was really close to leaving him at that time point, it was pretty ugly in our relationship during that period, but we managed to pull back from the brink and things have been going well. She probably knows all about that time too, ugh !

If you have read to this point, am I being unreasonable to detest that he has this friendship with this woman? AIBU to view this as a closer than normal work colleague relationship? I am beginning to wonder now if he had a fling with her, or if he fancies her and would if given the opportunity (although I would hope he would not blow his career for an office fling)

I am away at the moment, so we had the argument on the phone and he has not called back, probably gone out to drown his sorrows.

That was me, Roussette, and if you read the post properly you would see that it was absolutely NOT because I didn't "allow female friendships," but hey, don't let the facts get in the way of your judgements.

By "trust your gut," I would interpret that as meaning "tread carefully and keep an eye out," not "kick the bastard out on no evidence and take him for every penny he has."

I apologise clam, I searched and searched for the post but couldn't find it. If I got the facts wrong, it was really not intentional, and I accept I did assume.

I do hope the friend at work wasn't left wondering why she was being cold shouldered though. This touches a nerve as something similar happened to me but I never found out why.

Well, I have male friends who have never hit on me. Maybe I am just not 'hawt' enough. And if I couldn't have male friends at work then I'd be stuffed, as my working environment is very largely male.

And I agree that instinct can obviously be wrong; OP is this feeling worse when you are going through a more insecure patch?

That said, what IS the reason they have gotten to know each other so well if he is this senior to her and they haven't worked on a project together/she hasn't reported to him? Has she been assigned to/involved with some sort of visible project that even if he didn't work on, he was asked to provide feedback on? Was he her mentor? Are there company off sites?

If the answer to all of this is that this is supposedly a professional relationship but they have no real professional CONTEXT/INVOLVEMENT with each other, then I would be wondering about how they got to know each other so well too.

I suspect that she is quite flattered that someone so senior is interested in her goings on/values her so much. It's probably quite empowering.

I would be worried about whether she is mature enough to keep such an important confidence, but I would ALSO be just as worried about HIS judgement from that point of view. If it really is private why the heck share it with someone at work??? Sometimes you do have to keep your trap shut.

OP, I can see why you don't like it. I think there are red flags here potentially, with this particular situation.

ovienna some of my best friends from work are people I have never worked side by side with. I am surprised people think this is unusual.

If you work in the se building you may see eachother in the lifts, canteen, coffee machine. You start saying hello then chat a bit a discover you get on.

Maybe it was just me, but I knew everyone by name to at least say hello too in our office of 300 staff. I used to talk to everyone. Didn'tatter if I work directly for them, with them or not at all.

Spartan I don't think it's impossible. And we are missing context in all of this which I can imagine that the OP wouldn't want to give more identifiers.

But given how senior the OP claims her husband is, in the sort of industries where I've worked anyway, developing that close a relationship over the coffee machine, by working in the same building only, with a would be unusual. People are usually too busy I guess. It's more likely that some other thing would cement it.

There are lots of scenarios that the OP might not be aware of that could have brought them together - for a start, maybe she had a shit boss for example and he was involved in that some way??? I also think that the fact that on paper (but again we don't know their individual roles) she has a much more junior job title may mean less than she thinks.

However, it also wouldn't surprise me if they got to know each other on those evenings out.

This isn't a slam dunk case either way, but I can see why the OPs antennae are going.

Wow!
Yes yabu.
This sounds a perfectly normal work relationship. The text, everyone was out, he wasn't she text to ask where he was. Pissed people don't notice time

I have loads of close male friends in work
Perfectly normal

I dont have anything new to add, but just want to say i can see why it looks iffy and i dont think you just sound paranoid.

I think you should ignore this woman and build up your relationship with your DH. You say she has a DH so she has something to lose if she were to get involved with your DH.

So maybe they find each other attractive - it happens and you can't stop it, but what you can do is make your own relationship better. (I have been in this situation! He had a bit of a crush on a work colleague but we got through it.) You are his number one - his life partner - and don't you forget it! But the relationship needs to be nurtured and you won't do yourself any favours by whining about his relationships at work or about text messages from ages ago. And you are invited to his works dos? Wow - be grateful!

My DH frequently shares coffee with women at work. Even those who aren't in the same department as him who he has built a friendship with, through meeting in tea rooms, working briefly with them etc.

It's nothing! They drink coffee together in the canteen. They certainly don't sneak off to the stationary cupboard for a quickie and fumble around at 3am on nights out.

I just don't get the mentality that married men can't be friends with women at work, regardless of them being in different departments

Sorry but YABU, it doesn't seem inappropriate to me.

Hmmm. I'm a bit torn on this one - in some ways I'm the junior colleague in this scenario.

I'm good friends with a senior manager - in fact he recruited me. We go for coffee/lunch at least once a month, and we don't work closely together anymore.

HOWEVER - we worked in the same team for 2 years. He has loads of friends through work, both male and female. I've met his wife lots of times and we chat happily at weddings of colleagues etc. Our conversations are about work, gossip about people we both know, and our kids. We've been discussing career lately - I've been asking his advice. He's never discussed his in detail with me though. We don't discuss his marriage (I know him well and this would be incredibly out of character for him).

Oh, I'm a single parent 10 yrs younger than my friend. I would be horrified if our friendship was perceived as inappropriate by his wife, as I reckon would he. We are nowhere near having an EA - nor would we ever be.

But I think Freakinin that if you perceive some impropriety in this relationship, given that he has lots of others that don't set off your radar, then there is something going on. Even if it's just a crush on your DH's part.

I don't have a guaranteed solution, but if you asked your DH to disclose when the two of them have met, and what was discussed, would he tell you? Would it turn out to be stuff you would not like him to share with anyone else? This could start a serious talk on this for you.

roussette thanks.
The colleague in question had had a few affairs with married men under her belt, one of whom was in their team. She was also, in my opinion, overly flirty and inappropriate with my dh (and I thought he was being a bit the same back).
Was she puzzled/hurt when he backed off? Don't know, but if I'm honest, don't really care either. My marriage was more important.
I'll repeat though, he has other mates of the opposite sex who I don't have any problem with at all. He spent the whole day with one last week, dog-walking, pub lunch, reading books in the garden. Great, no issue. Known her and her husband for nearly 30 years. They'd be more likely to kill each other than sleep together.
This issue is not about controlling/possessiveness on the part of the OP. There's something about the setup that is out of the ordinary for them and I don't think she is being unreasonable to prick up her ears about it and check it out.

That makes sense clam

My DH does something regularly of an evening (a hobby they do together) with a female friend, they love to hate each other and squabble like an old married couple even worse than me! I sometimes think she has a soft spot for my DH but although he does deep down like her, she irritates him at times with not doing the hobby like he wants so I hope it's refreshing to come home to me

You keep repeating how senior your husband is to her don't you agree that people at work can have friendships with people on different levels to them?
You sound very controlling I can't see your DH or the girl have done anything outrageous here.

Yabvu and possessive to try and dictate your oh's friendships. Do you have a reason to distrust your dh?

My dh has several close female friends, and has been friends with female work colleagues. At his current job he has a female friend who he talks about everything with, they go for walks at lunchtime etc, he brought her back to the house since he was popping in the other lunchtime. I happened to be out at the time (he was coming home to flea spray while me and DS were out, the cats had had fleas). I am 100% OK with this, I've met her briefly, she seems nice, I'm glad he's making friends as we moved in order for him to take this job.

On the other hand my ex had female friends at work and I knew there was more to it, at least one was his bit on the side, so I wasn't happy with that.

So either you're possessive and controlling, in which case you need to seek some help before it damages your relationship, or you feel you have a reason not to trust him, in which case you need to have an honest chat with him.

I am afraid I gave up at:
'My DH has a potential major confidential career change coming up, he doesn't want even a whisper to get out about it, so we have only told two close friends about his plans.'

You don't want a whisper to get out, so you only told two friends and then posted on Mumsnet!!

OP have you posted about this before. I asked yesterday and I see someone else has asked. It just sounds very familiar. Not that there's any rule about posting again, but I seem to remember the thing about DH and the friend drinking together at the bar............and the text.

Oh my goodness, he's friends with a woman?!? How dare he!! Seriously, he should able to be friends with whom ever he likes.

No, haven't posted about his before.

The two close friends we told are not work friends and are lifelong friends, and yes I posted on Mumsnet, LOL, as IF there is even a remote chance that could out him.

Have calmed down about it now.