AIBU, DH colleague at work

[Freakingin]

NC - sorry just read back over this and it is so long. so thanks for reading it.

My DH has a potential major confidential career change coming up, he doesn't want even a whisper to get out about it, so we have only told two close friends about his plans.

Today he told me that X colleague (woman at work) has given him a suggestion about this situation. I was furious that he told someone in work and also that he told her, he says he trusts her and that she is a friend.

Anyway, we get into a huge argument about it, she is a junior colleague and I just don't get that he is so close to her that he could tell her this very specific information. I told him that I don't and never will approve of that kind of friendship with a female work colleague, He says that I cannot dictate who he is friends with, that I am unreasonable and that the problem is ME, because I have an unjustified issue with this woman.

The fact is, I do have an issue with this 'friendship', about 3 years ago there was an office party, which was loads of fun, DH and I left at the end of the night to go home, other people ended up going to a party. We were at home in bed, DH drunk and out cold, and about 4am his phone pings with a text message from X, asking him where he is, nothing inappropriate, just 'where are you, are you coming?'

I thought it was utterly inappropriate, 4 am, we are home, how could she feel that she could text him at all. Next day I tell DH about the text and that I thought it was inappropriate that she could feel free to text him in the middle of the night, what kind of work relationship did they have that this was okay to her. Anyway, he defended it, telling me I was making a big thing out of nothing, wasn't inappropriate at all, they are friends, blah blah blah.

DH is senior to her by very many levels. When I was working there is no way I would have even considered texting one of the senior exec's outside of working hours. let alone in the middle of the night. I will never be convinced that I was unreasonable to be mightly pissed off.

Over the past few years, I realise they talk to each other about personal stuff, i.e. one of our kids are sick and he says X gave me the name of this Dr. to consult. X and her DH are buying a business and he looked over the business plan for her. He praises how well she does her job and that she should be promoted etc etc. The hackles on my neck raise whenever she is mentioned, but for the most part I don't say anything. Although there was another blow up about something I felt was inappropriate (can't for the life of me remember now what it was !) on many levels.

Today when I blew up, I said something about them both having lunch together alone (I just threw it in there, didn't have a clue if he lunched with her alone or not) and he said ' I have probably only had lunch alone with her on two occasions, the rest of the time we have been with colleagues '. Well fuck me then !

At the end of the day, I don't think they are having an affair, but I really believe he confides in her and she confides in him.

There was a point in the past few years where our relationship was really rocky, he was going out 3 or 4 nights a week, business meals or out with mates to 'blow off steam'. Business meals which he would not get home from until 2 or 3 am. (I would be invited, but can't leave the kids with a babysitter every night of the week ! ).

He said I was being unreasonable and distrusting, that I was always welcome to come along but I didn't want to, although I would go sometimes, I was really close to leaving him at that time point, it was pretty ugly in our relationship during that period, but we managed to pull back from the brink and things have been going well. She probably knows all about that time too, ugh !

If you have read to this point, am I being unreasonable to detest that he has this friendship with this woman? AIBU to view this as a closer than normal work colleague relationship? I am beginning to wonder now if he had a fling with her, or if he fancies her and would if given the opportunity (although I would hope he would not blow his career for an office fling)

I am away at the moment, so we had the argument on the phone and he has not called back, probably gone out to drown his sorrows.

I'm wavering here OP.

you appear self aware and that makes me lean towards there being a reason why you feel uneasy in regards to this particular woman.

I'd trust your gut feeling. especially if you've physically witnessed any kind of social interaction between the two of them.
often we pick up on body language which piques our suspicion but can't articulate exactly why.

I don't think you're being wholly unreasonable.

I'm wavering too. I have had work friends, including one who is certainly a very close, male friend. We went out to lunch/dinner, even the cinema alone, confided in each other and so on. He would never in a million years have endangered his marriage. Now I'm married, neither would I. It helps that he is not my 'type' physically and DH knows that.

However, if you are cool with his golfing buddy, other colleagues and female friends and it is just her... I'm inclined to say that there is an issue. He talks about her differently or something.

YABU. My Dad was a senior manager in a very prestigious organisation and had a similar relationship with his PA. she's brilliant and has become a good family friend.

Why don't you suggest doing a bit of socialising with her and her partner (if she has one) to put your mind at rest.

And don't move it to the relationships board unless you want a load of hysterical harpies encouraging you to break up your marriage for the most trivial of reasons.

Ah, this friendship would probably bug me too, OP. My DH has loads of female friends, which doesn't bother me at all, but every now and then he stretches the boundaries, and I get really upset. Now, if he was a loving and attentive DH, it would be different, but he's not. He's a nice man and a great dad, but he never wants to make sexy love, and clearly doesn't fancy me any more, so yeah, too right I feel threatened by other women sometimes.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be suspicious, you're trusting your gut instinct.

The reality is though - what can you do about it? Nothing. You can't dictate who he's friends with. You need to trust him. Do you?

Lemonade30, you are right, if I am honest, there is something about their body language, more my DH than her.

I didn't put this in the original post, because it is nothing tangible and it will make me even sound more of a looney than the original post does, I swear I am not a controlling jealous woman, dh has golf holidays with the boys, vegas trips with the boys, I don't give it a second thought. I have no problem with him going out with his friends whenever he wants to.

There was another event, prior to the text message one, we were socialising at different ends of the club and at the end of the evening when I came back to the bar, both of them were doing shots at the bar, standing very close to each other, face to face, he seemed to be staring into her eyes. I can't say it bothered me at the time, but I did register it and obviously haven't forgotten it.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I imagine it would've been a shock to discover that someone you thought of as "DH's colleague" has in fact been turned out to be someone he considers worthy of the same trust as your two close friends.

It doesn't sound as though he's been honest with you about the extent of their friendship. It's not really surprising that you are now suspicious about what else he/they might have been up to.

Yanbu, if it was me I would think affair too. It's not a normal relationship that would develop at work. Also too convenient that suddenly when you had marriage problems there were work events several nights a week until 2/3am - bollocks. Telling her, basically an office junior, about such a confidential thing, shows a level of closeness and trust which did not built up over a couple of lunches alone. They must talk one to one pretty fucking often for that subject to come up and for him to feel ok about telling her. Why tell her at all - because she'll be upset when he leaves, as his girlfriend, I suspect.

YABU, but I think everyone above made it very clear.

I think the only issue here are your insecurities within your marriage. Is this something you would consider seeking help for, if talking to your DH isn't helping?

I don't think OP comes across as insecure tbh. Uneasy about massive crossing of boundaries and odd behaviour, that's what I see.

Op, I would feel a bit odd about this, if it was my dh. But I would also know that, that's my issue.

My best friend is a man. I spend several hours a week with him (now working with him) and discuss things with him that I wouldn't discuss with dh, but not other people.

Personally if dh told me I couldn't be friends with my friend I would tell him to piss right off, tbh.

As I said I would feel odd if it was dh, but that's my issue and I wouldn't ditch a friend because dh disapproved based only on that friends gender.

Also as its his career he has the right to discuss it with anyone he wishes. He may want to keep it from most people, but he does not need permission from you before he talks to someone about it.

I'd be inclined to be very wary of her. My gut has never been wrong when I've been uneasy about something going on with an ex.

My boyfriend has plenty of female friends and it doesn't bother me one bit but if one came along and something felt off to me I would listen to that part.

It may just be a friendship but there is obviously something that has you feeling the way you do. Whether it's something on their part or just something which you have got the wrong end of the stick of is what you need to decide.

OP I don't think you really warrant the condescension you're receiving from some posters here.

I think you believe that your DH is attracted to this woman and as his wife you're well placed to see the writing on the wall, so to speak.

I also believe that you're rational enough to realise (hope?) that he wouldn't place his career if not his marriage in abject jeopardy because of a hopefully inconsequential attraction.

perhaps a bit of good old candour is in order?
tell him that you are suspecting that he is attracted to his colleague and whilst you are adult enough to accept that attraction to others is to be expected in the course of a marriage, that when its accompanied by a seemingly close relationship with the suspected object of such attraction that it makes you feel both insecure and uneasy.

state this calmly and await his response which will in all likelihood speak volumes.

and have some and some

A huge overreaction. I have a male colleague whom I have a close working relationship /friendship with. In fact he has recently confided in me about a significant career change (but that's the only commonality with the OP!). I really hope his wife doesn't feel like you do, and know my DH doesn't. I have a very happy marriage, as does my colleague I assume - we don't tend to dissect our relationships other than in the on text of talking about our kids, fitting family life round a tough job etc. We are just friends.

I'm afraid you are being a bit unreasonable. I have close friendships with male colleagues.

My DP has close friends with female colleagues. He's especially close to a few ex female colleagues.

I honestly don't think twice about it. There is a colleague of his I don't trust because I know she has slept with a senior married director (and she's engaged) so I know she has form.

But DP's female colleagues/friends. Nope doesn't bother me in the slightest. It doesn't even make me feel uneasy.

You are obviously concerned about something though. Whether there's an undercurrent in your marriage or your insecurities, not sure. But I don't think this woman is a concern. She has done nothing wrong and you can't dictate who your husband is friends with. I'm sorry , you just can't

YANBU - this is the sort of situation that can turn into an affair. It may never do so but from what you've said I wouldn't be suprised if she had her eye on him. You are uneasy for a reason and they are both crossing boundaries that can then lead to more than they probably intend. I have seen office affairs develop from this sort of situation more than once. It's difficult cos as you are finding, the wife objecting to the friendship seems unreasonable as "there's nothing going on - we are just good freind s". And then suddenly they aren't!

What's wrong with having a friend at work? I'm self employed, so the only people I come into contact with are my clients- but when I had a "job" I got on very well with my supervisor. People thought it was creepy because he was 30 years my senior- but the truth is; we just gelled and had a lot in common. Absolutely nothing wrong with that in my book. We are still close now despite living 300 miles apart and only seeing each other once or a twice a year. People always tried to make a big deal out of it- but it was nothing. We were just very close friends.

It made the day go by a lot quicker I can tell you that.

Sorry- but I think YABU. Unless of course your partner has a history of infidelity.

I don't think you are BU op, I'd be worried too.

I could've written your post a year ago. Unfortunately my gut instinct was right-dh had a emotional/sexual affair with his work colleague. Nip this in the bud right now.

At the end of the day, I don't think they are having an affair, but I really believe he confides in her and she confides in him.
And the problem with that is? It's friendship. He is allowed to have a female friend, surely.
I had a similar relationship with an old boss of mine - there was never so much of a hint of anything more than friendship.
It's clear there is no affair, so I see this as your problem.

Lots of people missing the point here. The OP has said quite clearly that she doesn't have an issue with her dh having female friends and socialising away from her. Therefore she doesn't sound possessive and controlling to me.

However, there is something about this particular woman/situation that is making her antennae buzz. That's worth listening to.

I was in a very similar position a few years back. I was furious with myself for reacting badly, and I couldn't justify or even articulate what my issue was. Initially, dh was perplexed, then a bit dismissive (as in "don't be daft") but ultimately, he was appalled and shocked that I was so distressed by it all. Maybe because I'd never shown myself to be remotely fussed by his friendships before (and he has a fair few female mates), he took my reaction seriously and said that my feelings as his wife were more much important than this friend's and he withdrew almost completely from her (apart from essential work contact).

Freaking, I do hope your dh can reassure you in the same way.

OP I think you should listen to Lemonade she tends to speak alot of sense

I find it incredibly sad that some people assume that just because their partner gets on with a member of the opposite sex it must mean their is something sexual going on. Incredibly sad indeed.