AIBU, DH colleague at work

[Freakingin]

NC - sorry just read back over this and it is so long. so thanks for reading it.

My DH has a potential major confidential career change coming up, he doesn't want even a whisper to get out about it, so we have only told two close friends about his plans.

Today he told me that X colleague (woman at work) has given him a suggestion about this situation. I was furious that he told someone in work and also that he told her, he says he trusts her and that she is a friend.

Anyway, we get into a huge argument about it, she is a junior colleague and I just don't get that he is so close to her that he could tell her this very specific information. I told him that I don't and never will approve of that kind of friendship with a female work colleague, He says that I cannot dictate who he is friends with, that I am unreasonable and that the problem is ME, because I have an unjustified issue with this woman.

The fact is, I do have an issue with this 'friendship', about 3 years ago there was an office party, which was loads of fun, DH and I left at the end of the night to go home, other people ended up going to a party. We were at home in bed, DH drunk and out cold, and about 4am his phone pings with a text message from X, asking him where he is, nothing inappropriate, just 'where are you, are you coming?'

I thought it was utterly inappropriate, 4 am, we are home, how could she feel that she could text him at all. Next day I tell DH about the text and that I thought it was inappropriate that she could feel free to text him in the middle of the night, what kind of work relationship did they have that this was okay to her. Anyway, he defended it, telling me I was making a big thing out of nothing, wasn't inappropriate at all, they are friends, blah blah blah.

DH is senior to her by very many levels. When I was working there is no way I would have even considered texting one of the senior exec's outside of working hours. let alone in the middle of the night. I will never be convinced that I was unreasonable to be mightly pissed off.

Over the past few years, I realise they talk to each other about personal stuff, i.e. one of our kids are sick and he says X gave me the name of this Dr. to consult. X and her DH are buying a business and he looked over the business plan for her. He praises how well she does her job and that she should be promoted etc etc. The hackles on my neck raise whenever she is mentioned, but for the most part I don't say anything. Although there was another blow up about something I felt was inappropriate (can't for the life of me remember now what it was !) on many levels.

Today when I blew up, I said something about them both having lunch together alone (I just threw it in there, didn't have a clue if he lunched with her alone or not) and he said ' I have probably only had lunch alone with her on two occasions, the rest of the time we have been with colleagues '. Well fuck me then !

At the end of the day, I don't think they are having an affair, but I really believe he confides in her and she confides in him.

There was a point in the past few years where our relationship was really rocky, he was going out 3 or 4 nights a week, business meals or out with mates to 'blow off steam'. Business meals which he would not get home from until 2 or 3 am. (I would be invited, but can't leave the kids with a babysitter every night of the week ! ).

He said I was being unreasonable and distrusting, that I was always welcome to come along but I didn't want to, although I would go sometimes, I was really close to leaving him at that time point, it was pretty ugly in our relationship during that period, but we managed to pull back from the brink and things have been going well. She probably knows all about that time too, ugh !

If you have read to this point, am I being unreasonable to detest that he has this friendship with this woman? AIBU to view this as a closer than normal work colleague relationship? I am beginning to wonder now if he had a fling with her, or if he fancies her and would if given the opportunity (although I would hope he would not blow his career for an office fling)

I am away at the moment, so we had the argument on the phone and he has not called back, probably gone out to drown his sorrows.

I don't agree with this always listen to what your intuition is telling you. Maybe I am unusually ungifted in that department, but my intuition is as often wrong as it is not. In fact when I have felt there is something wrong in a relationship, it has most likely been due to my own insecurities rather than the other person having done anything wrong at all.

So I say, take your antennae buzzing, or your gut feeling, or whatever with a large pinch of salt. It really proves nothing.

But that's not what some people are saying, walford.

I find it incredibly sad that some people assume that just because their partner gets on with a member of the opposite sex it must mean their is something sexual going on. Incredibly sad indeed

Sad? It's not "getting on with someone" at all. Lots of people, the majority of us, have friends of the opposite sex, perfectly innocently. This isn;t that.

He lunches with her alone and doesn't tell his wife.
He goes out until 3am with wife doesn't know who.
She texts him in the middle of the night
He's talking to her about very confidential work plans despite her being very junior.

He slept with her, or he wants to. Or she wants to and he enjoys the attention.

He lunches alone with her and doesn't tell his wife

From OPs post- that has happened twice. I used to eat meals with my boss alone everyday. I don't see the big deal. Sure we would sit and bitch about co workers- but most of the time we discussed random shit we knew nobody else was interested in.

He goes out until 3am and wife doesn't know who with
Last time I checked, just because your married to someone- doesn't mean they are entitled to control to know where you are and who with. And that's what that is- control.

She texts him in the middle of the night
From OPs post this has happened once, after a business do when people were going to a party. Is it not possible said co worker didn't realise OPs partner had left and was texting to ask if he was going to said party?

Talking to her about confidential work plans despite her being junior
Yep, boss used to do this with me to. Usually for something to gossip about, or because he wanted advice on a situation.

Nothing is suggesting an affair to me. Maybe that's just me though

I would trust your gut instinct and take lemonade's advice.

Agree with Walford East's breakdown of it. I can see that you feel upset, and I sympathise, but nothing you've said makes me think this is an inappropriate relationship. I've had great friendships with male colleagues. My husband has great friendships with female colleagues. Neither of us worries at all about it. I think you should trust your intuition but maybe not in the way you think. You obviously don't trust him and feel threatened. This doesn't mean he is cheating or wants to cheat, but I do think it means you both need to look at what is wrong in the relationship because from your description it doesn't sound happy or healthy. What I mean is that your intuition is telling you there's something wrong, but IMO what's wrong isn't his friendship with this woman- it's the lack of confidence you have in the relationship.

And a serious question to those who are of a different opinion to me:

What if this was a male friend? What would people say then? I'm guessing that would be "different"

I know the OP is asking if she is being unreasonable and most posters think she is - But I think the important thing is how the OP feels and whether or not DH are just friends or more than that, it's the unease that the OP feels about this friendship that is the important thing here.

I wonder if it's because this woman is very much his junior and so the OP feels she isn't really "entitled" to be his confidante -I don't know. The thing about them drinking shots at the bar also concerned the OP and I can see why. There's probably nothing more than friendship but I do feel for the OP as I know how horrible it is to have unease about this sort of friendship.

Have to posted before about this Op - it sounds a bit familiar.

If the problem is her being his junior and not being entitled to be his confidente (which is wrong, IMO) then sex has nothing to do with it- because it would be wrong regardless of the fact this is a member of the opposite sex we are talking about. Hence why I asked how people would feel if this was a man and not a woman- because I see a lot of people jumping to the "affair" conclusion.

This isn't aimed at anyone in particular; just adding to my last post.

I haven't read all the replies.

I think YANBU to feel as you do. The biggest thing that jumps out to me is him confiding the potential new job to her. That signifies a deep level of trust. Which, in itself, is no biggie but given his role/her role, is unusual if there isn't a deeper "connection" of sorts. Not suggesting he is having/has had affair but it would certainly raise at least an EA for me.

OP what you must realise is that people, whether cognisant of it or not, bring their own agendas to your post and this informs their appraisal of your likely predicament and the answers which you'll receive.

its difficult if a situation offered on aibu is in some way reminiscent of an apparently similar situation in the life of a contributor.

Therefore the answers herein are necessarily skewed by the experiences and insecurities of other people and the dynamics of their relationships. whether this is truly warranted or not.

ultimately;
he's your husband. you're uncomfortable.
you need to explore the reasons for this together.
whether you're being unreasonable or not is fairly academic. you're unsure and not a little bit upset.

talk to your husband. believe me that if he is wholly transparent and respectful of your feelings, at most he'll be exasperated. hopefully he'll be able to empathise with your predicament and you can come to some mutual understanding of each other's perspective and inherent assessment of why you each feel as you do regarding this person and your husbands relationship with her.

best wishes.

But I think it would be different with a male colleague, as there is far less likelihood of any emotional/sexual connection developing. Not saying that there definitely would be with a female, but there's something about this relationship that is unnerving the OP, and only she knows how her dh's behaviour is different from previous friendships.

my work colleague has a missed call at 1.30am from me on Friday night - it was a work do and we encountered a racist guy obviously looking for a row - I didn't know I my colleague wad one of the ones who had gone on to the next place or was in the place we had been outside if which was trouble maker - so I called him to check (not wanting to go back towards trouble maker if my colleague wasn't there) It was totally innocent.

But why would you totally disregard that its a female colleague walford people have affairs with work colleagues all the time, I'm sure in most cases with the opposite sex, unless they're gay. The OP hasn't said she doesn't want him to have female friends, or even female friends at work. She has specific concerns in the case of this particular person, such as him not having told her on the day that he'd been to lunch with her just the two of them, that she texts him, that he's shared something private and confidential with her, and so on.

The fact is, if he's her senior colleague its inappropriate, in many organisations anyway, for her to be texting him in the middle of the night and for him to be sharing his (currently secret) plans to move workplaces with her, because of other work colleagues apart from anything else, for instance if she gets promoted it has to be entirely fair etc.

Also, FWIW I don't think that wanting to know where your dh/dw is at 3am makes you some kind of control freak

Also, it's possibly wise not to let a desire to be the "cool wife" about your husband's friends end in you missing the signs of an affair developing. Not saying that's happening here, but just read some of the hundreds of threads on here about women who've done just that.

Her being junior is not the problem. The problem is that he is confiding very confidential stuff to this woman, which doesn't make any sense if she is 'just' some junior colleague. They might be friends, there's no concrete evidence of anything, but there are signs (doing shots together, eye gazing, him giving her his mobile number, her texting where is he, is he coming as if they'd planned to meet that night, him skipping out alone until 2am, him confiding in her etc).

They are not the typical pairing for close friends, they are the typical pairing for 2 people having an affair. For example, usually to develop a close friendship with someone, it'll be someone in a similar role, on a similar level, doing a similar or equivalent job to you. You might be the same sex, age, social status - or have other things in common too. That way you spend a lot of time with them and get to know each other and a friendship builds organically. It's unusual for a senior executive to have the opportunity to build up such a close relationship as these two clearly have with an office junior. You'd have to seek out opportunities to spend time with that person - why would you - possibly because you fancy them. It might not be this in OP's case, but they fit the typical older more senior man, more junior female cliche - it happens (a lot). Taking a colleague of the opposite sex out to lunch is generally avoided as well in most offices I think, if for no other reason than office gossip, especially if one is more senior/junior to the other, rather than equal colleagues (yeah this shouldn't be the case, bla bla bla, but it is).

I don't think you are BU from what you've said; he has a lot of independent activities and female interactions that you don't give a flying fig about. Something makes you uncomfortable with this specific relationship, so you need to resolve that. That's not to say he is having an affair, but there are normally several stages to go through and confiding something in her that you as a couple have discussed as being strictly confidential from the workplace, isn't on. Why did he choose to break the confidence?

If you would have posted this in relationships board, where a lot more people have experienced their partners having Ea or affairs, you may be getting a little more understanding than you are. He may be entirely 'innocent' of an affair but he has broken a confidence to a junior member of staff. That doesn't sit quite right.

I'd be slightly concerned about the prolonged eye contact and standing very close, I think. Body language can sometimes be a dead giveaway. Perhaps it's that that has hovered at the back of your mind and made you wonder about their relationship?

I too have long standing friends, both male and female from my work days, so does my DH. However we were all in similar role/level/ divisions, that is how we became friends and close. I didn't become close friends with people who I didn't have much interaction with, it didn't lend itself to building close friendships.

Explaining their roles in the organisation and her being so very much junior to him is to explain that their paths in work would not cross that often, which is why I wonder how they became such good friends. It is a pretty big organisation with several hundred people employed.

He is friends with his peers, both male and female, who he works closely with on a daily basis, has day long meetings with, travels on business trips with, has business dinners with etc. I get that some of those work relationships can turn into friendships, and btw none of them texted him in the middle of the night to find out where he was, even though some of them went on to the party also.

What was the initial spark for this friendship, it certainly wasn't because they worked together daily or on a project or anything, so how did he get to know her so well that she is now considered a very close friend? I don't know.

Maybe I am being totally and ridiculously unreasonable and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Because it sounds perfectly innocent to me- as I said earlier; I had a boss who did this with me. He was 30 years my senior and happily married with children my age. We just had a lot it common. It happens and it pissed me off no end when people insinuated otherwise. I honestly don't see the big deal. Inviting your wife along to business parties is hardly the actions of someone trying to conceal an affair :confused:

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, of course it does- and people can only advise based on their own experience. Which is what I'm doing- and it's perfectly possible they are just incredibly good friends!!!

What lemonade30 said

Excellent post

you are correct Walford. It is indeed perfectly possible.

that doesn't however necessitate that the OP is being unreasonable to feel misgivings regarding a benign hypothetical possibility when its also possible that her DH is having an increasingly close relationship with a woman he's attracted to.

Yanbu. It sounds inappropriate to me. Especially the 4am phone call. It sounds like an emotional affair. I'm sorry to say that I don't have any advice, but I think that if you do want to save your marriage it's important to make it very clear to him that his behaviour is unacceptable. Maybe specific things although I know it's hard to put your finger on them.

Well, I don't generally have an issue with couples having friends of the opposite sex, but this scenario doesn't sit right with me.

There may be nothing in it, but I don't think you're being "totally and ridiculously unreasonable" to wonder if there might be. And for me, an additional concern would be whether other colleagues had noticed and wondered the same thing.