To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

I think if the adult kids are working and paying rent then of course they have more say - it's their house too if they're paying their way.

But what if - for no fault of their own - they're still financially dependent on you? Aren't they still adults?

Still agree with Ragwort, I've seen it several times - liberal parents allowing a serious girlfriend to share their son's bedroom, that relationship ends and said son then starts 'seeing' another girl, then another and another the odd one night stand creeps in etc. Parents feel like they're living in a knocking shop but v hard to re-set the rules once the stable door is open!

I've got teenage sons and have made it clear that there will be no room sharing until they are actually living with someone properly. What they get up to when they are not under my roof is up to them - I'm totally cool about that!

Someone upthread mentioned about what the replies would be if the genders were switched. And I think they would be very different.

Firstly, someone would say that the DD's boyfriend had no respect because of the getting naked with the DD with the door open.

Then that because the DD knew the house rules, it must be the BF being a bad influence on her.

Then someone would say the OP should be careful that the DD wasn't being sexually abused. Because the boyfriend is clearly unwilling to go without sex and the DD must have felt pressured into doing it, in spite of knowing her parents said not under their roof.

The fact the door was open would mean someone suggested that the BF wanted the OP to see it, as a mark of defiance, and a "you don't tell me what to do".

The lying in bed late every day would be laziness, without question on the BF's part.

And when the DD then eventually told the OP that the BF had depression, so he needed to sleep late, didn't want to talk to the rest of the people in the house, and needed sex "company" of the DD , people would say that it sounded very like the boyfriend was trying to manipulate the DD into having sex with him whenever he "needed" it by using the depression as an excuse.

and that perhaps it would be worth finding out if the DD often felt pressured into doing things that suited the BF because of the depression.

Mental health can be a real and serious problem. It can also be used as a get out of jail free card, and I feel that this is the situation here.

The GF was clearly well enough to eat with the family, watch videos into the early hours and engage in sex. But, on the other hand, too ill to get up in the morning or participate in the household as a guest.

If she were that ill, she should not really have come. And, if her depression suddenly came on, she should have either explained or gone home. If someone has a real health problem, they should not really be imposing it upon someone else's family when they have their own to go to.

YANBU.
If she was genuinely that ill she should have put her visit off. They were bang out of order going against your house rules. If they wanted to shag they could have booked a hotel.Her clinical depression doesn't seem to affected her sex drive after all.

Your son could have said he would do the hoovering later once his girlfriend prised her arse out of bed rather than ask you to do it later. Sense of entitlement alert.

Your son is at an age where he should be having fun rather than be wrapped up caring for someone with mental health issues. It can't be healthy for him. I would be worried personally. She sounds hard work.

AyeAmarok, while you're entitled to share what you imagine the responses would be like, I disagree entirely with your opinion, and am not sure what weight someone's imagining of responses that haven't been voiced to a situation that isn't being discussed can possibly have here.

Good god there's some prize cunts in this thread. Hope none of them have to ever deal with mental illness.

Snap and totally agree larry

Also getting exercise is more beneficial to depression than laying in bed half the day.

Many more rude sanctimonious cunts I think you will find smill

Staying in bed all day is normal for kids that age.

Give her a break. She is your guest, depressed or not, you need to be more flexible.

They're on holiday!! Why do they need to be up by 9?

Very strange idea of hospitality. I'd be surprised if she ever comes back, you've obviously made her feel entirely uncomfortable!

It's not normal IME

Depression obviously means she needs more sleep that goes without saying but otherwise I wouldn't generalise that all 18-21 year old sleep until noon

If someone started a thread saying 'my 20 year old dc is home for an 8-week summer break and has not been up before noon every day' you would get a long list of replies saying 'they're taking the piss', 'they should be working' 'I'd put the radio on v loud outside their door', 'when I was that age I was married with two kids and a mortgage' , 'you're a shit parent who's raised a sloth', 'kick them out they need a shock to the system' etc etc etc

There are tons of threads on here which have gone the same way

So simply saying 'young adults don't get up early YABU to expect them to' is a complete double standard

The depression aspect adds a different dimension. It is understandable the gf would need more sleep. But the op HAD NO IDEA and now she does feels terrible and is remedying the situation.

It's true that the op didn't know.

However we do know now, all of us. Yet some posters (not the op) are still making out the girl friend was using her depression as an excuse for a lie in.

What the fucking fuck?

OP, you sound like a controlling mother in law.

Your son and his GF are adults. They are on holiday, it's up to them what time they go to sleep and wake up. If you have guest rules and rules for other adults living in your house, you should have made it clear, instead of judging and sneering.

Personally I find it bizarre and controlling to dictate when someone can have sex in their own home, particularly an adult.

My lot bring friends and boyfriends and girlfriends home and they are very rarely up before midday. I just leave them to it.

It hasn't led to rampant promiscuity either; DS(21) has brought one girl home, (same girlfriend since 18). DD (nearly 20) has brought three home, the first two lasted about a year each, been seeing the latest a few months and just brought him home.

Our house is extremely welcoming and always has guests knocking about. My youngest two are learning that when you are older you pick someone nice to go out with and sometimes they sleep over. I doubt they are in moral danger.

I wouldn't Hoover when guests were in bed either; that is teen DD's job and she is always the last one up.

Blimey, I'm glad I hid this thread

YY to whoever said I feel like I've wandered into a copy of the Daily Mail!

I totally agree about the double standard. If the naked/ depressed visitor had been male we'd have seen very different responses.

Why?

The attitude and preconceptions some people have here towards MH issues is completely disgusting. Is it any wonder people don't feel comfortable disclosing such information? Which by the way, none of you have any right to know.

Just because some one with depression (and God help any of you rotten bunch if you ever experience it) seems well enough to do this that and the other so fucking what. Not ever person is going to suit your view of what depression should be, not everyone is a 'text book' case. Ah yes, if you have depression or any other MH issue you shouldn't go out because God forbid you'll inflict your illness on others. Is that the same for physical disabilities? They shouldn't leave their homes or visit anyone incase others have to accommodate them.

Speaking of which, the GF didn't ask anyone to accommodate her. Her BF asked his mother if she could hoover another time to which she got pissy and decided to let GF know which is the height of rudeness when the girl didn't ask her to stop doing what she's doing. Which I need to ask all of you who think sleeping late in a guest's house is rude, do you approve of OP's method of letting GF know she was obviously upset that her son asked her to stop what she was doing.

On to house rules. Laying naked with the door open, rude yes. IMO, giving to adults separate rooms just so they won't shag is ridiculous. Would you do that to all guests or just the ones you think you can control aka your children and young people. I also find it hilarious that some of you expect guests to be up as early as you. How is that by any means welcoming? How exactly is it rude to have a lie in. Especially two young people on their holidays.

OP, YABU to expect your son to relay his GF's medical information to you and to assume she "didn't look depressed". What the hell does depression look like? You are also unreasonable to react to the hoovering fiasco the way you did. It wasn't the GF who asked you to stop, it was your son.

Is it just me who has a hard time believing they were naked in bed with the door ajar?

I mean, really?

At 8pm?

Likely: she snuck in late and night and the op caught them, or

They were watching videos with the door closed and fumbling around- probably with clothes on. Or maybe just cuddling!

I remember being a teenager and would have done anything to avoid being caught!!

Also, I have depression.

I sleep for long times and often wake up feeling anxious when I am in someone else's house. I have been known to sneak in bed until my bladder can't take anymore. I hate it and avoid staying over if I can.

Some sympathy would be nice!! Depression is a cunt and those of you judging would do well to spend that energy counting your blessings that you have never known it's vicious games yourself.

I can't believe the hard time the OP is getting on this thread.

It says a lot about some of the posters.

I agree lynette its quite disproportionate actually
She didn't know the girl had depression and after she found out she was absolutely accommodating !

Just as a quick disclaimer before I start, I too suffered from clinical depression for many years, which resulted in me taking a year off university too. I was on fluoxetine for a number of years and actually only stopped taking it a year ago.

But let's break this down:

• Staying in separate rooms. Old-fashioned, true. OP declared that DS knew the score and was obviously happy to go along with it. Of course sneaking across the landing was going to happen. Neither party are BU here.

• Being naked in bed at 8pm (so presumably everyone else is still up) with the door ajar. Sorry but that is def U. Maybe they forgot to close the door, but they're in the wrong here. Nothing wrong with being naked in bed but if there are other people around, close the door.

• Not getting up until 12 for the next three mornings. Going on the information the OP had at the time, the GF was being VU. I can sympathise with the GF as this was a symptom I struggled with, but at the time OP did not know about the depression. Under normal circumstances, this behaviour is VU. Given that excessive lie-ins are also a symptom of general teenagerness, OP WNBU to assume it might be laziness rather than anything more sinister.

• Hoovering at 10.30. In my mind, 10.30 is not an unreasonable time to do something noisy like hoover. And as before, under normal circumstances most guests should be up by then. Doing the hoovering was NU. When DS asked OP to stop, the remark was unnecessary, however OP may have been fed up by the previous excessive lie-ins (remember at this stage OP does not know about the depression), or may have had later plans that day and needed to hoover in the morning. In short, OP was NBU to hoover, but was slightly U to make the remark. DS was NBU to ask OP to stop, although it would have been nice if he'd offered to do the hoovering at a more convenient time

• When OP was made aware of the GF's depression, I thought she handled it very well.

Both parties could have handled this better.

Perhaps general expectations / rules could have been gently laid out after the first day (i.e. "we all tend to be up by X because of Y" or whatever it might be). That could have been done by DS prior to the visit or by OP after the first day.

It may have been helpful for DS to let the OP know that the GF might be staying in bed. Depression doesn't necessarily have to be mentioned - sleep patterns messed up from studying late, or recovering from big exams. Just some sort of warning so the OP doesn't mistake it for general teenage laziness. That sort of behaviour can easily be mistaken for plain laziness or rudeness if you don't know what's causing it, and when I was suffering from depression I knew it and was very embarrassed (I was constantly missing lectures and it was most certainly noticed).

OP could perhaps have taken DS aside and asked if GF was alright due to excessive lie-ins, and if she was feeling well / getting enough sleep / was the spare room comfy. DS would not have to disclose anything, but might have been able to say something like she wasn't feeling too good and please don't take it personally / would be grateful if OP could make allowances etc etc.

OP WBU to make the remark, although I can see how it might have come from a slightly aggrieved place, and should have stopped hoovering, with the proviso that DS finish hoovering later.

A lot of this could have been solved with a little communication. OP reacted brilliantly when she was made aware of the problem. Having house guests and being a house guest are social minefields at the best of times and sometimes just a little communication and understanding from BOTH sides is needed. All this drama makes me grateful I have a teeny house