To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

Why does it matter if they are allowed to sleep in the same bedroom or not? It is the OP's house, and if she is not comfortable with it, then she doesn't have to be. The DS and his GF can either choose to follow the house rules, or they can choose to stay elsewhere.

It may not be my choice, it may not be yours, but it is the OPs. Just like some people like shoes in the house, some don't. Some like dogs on the sofa, some don't. Part of being an adult with your own home is being able to make the rules that are ones you feel comfortable with. Guests can adhere to the rules, or find alternative accommodations.

Wow OP you should clearly have provided a better standard of accommodation! And you should have assumed not only the gf but your son had MH issues since the majority on mumsnet do and that makes them the centre of the universe

In fact, you should just have forgotten about any notions of using your own home in the normal way until their visit was over. I mean after all, in a hotel, its not as if the chambermaid or cleaner would have disturbed them!

I'm going to ask this question one more time then I'm off as the op doesn't seem interested any more so why should I be:

Those of you saying things along the lines of, 'It's my house and I'll decide whether they sleep together or not' - can I ask whether you do the same with all your guests or just with your (grown up) children?

The usual 'my house my rules' thing on here which people apply to what their guests eat, what they will let them bring to eat and drink, what they do and what games the kids play (amongst other things) don't apply when it comes to teen and young adult kids having sex in the house. Apparently you should just let them at it over the kitchen table so as to not appear 'prudish' or 'old fashioned'.

If it was a religious choice perhaps then we would have to do the opposite and respect that.

zazie how absolutely rude. The op hoovered. How in the fuck does that make her 'Hyacinth Bucket'. I know there's competitive under cleaning on here but wow. I just ran the Hoover round the lounge. It may have disturbed my dd. I better go self flagellate.

My parents were really strict and even they let my boyfriend stay in my room when he came to stay in 2nd year of uni, so I would have been 19/20. I think you don't sound like a very welcoming host, especially with the tactical vacuuming and loud pointed remarks.

I don't think your DS was unreasonable not to warn you, and I can understand him being upset that his girlfriend left under a cloud especially if he is worried about her anyway. But it's done now, I'm sure it'll work out, it doesn't sound like you meant any harm.

This thread lol

Plus every time someone says 'host' I picture Margot leadbetter in a blue shiny caftan with one of those trolleys

MN should produce an etiquette guide next

My eldest son is 22

Since he has been an adult I have viewed his bringing friends home as him opening up his home yo his friends.
I don't do anything to make them uncomfortable but I assume, and always have received, basic manners and respect.

If my 83 year old mother was still in bed at 10.30 I wouldn't Hoover or do anything else to wake her up do I wouldn't do that to his friends.
I also wouldn't say something rude loud enough for her to overhear.
I don't have a lower level of my own manners reserved for younger people staying .

Nevertheless the problem here is the poor communication between mother and son.
Son did nothing to give mother any reason to extend extra consideration to the girl friend. He could have just said 'my gf has some medical issues which means she might want a bit of rest or quiet and privacy at times'
The fact that he didn't give his mum any kind of heads up but then got pissy with her is pretty childish.
The gf has been stuck in the middle of an irritated, slightly pissy mother and a pouting boy friend.

My son has occasional let us know things which might pertain to his girlfriends visits because he knows there is no way in the world we would judge, change our attitude to her or ever discuss with anyone else.

Mamiof3 Thank you for answering but I'm not sure what you're saying. Do you think it's always ok to decide whether or not your guests are allowed to sleep together or does it only apply to your children (even if said children are grown up)?

Muddha MN should produce an etiquette guide next

It would be hilarious. Imagine the advice for homeowners whose teenage sons deposited a late-sleeping guest in their own homes.

• Thou shalt not hoover without asking permission of said teenager, expressly, in writing, the evening before.
• Thou shalt not expect to speak to thine guest unless thou is spoken to first.

etc.

If the door was only ajar how did you know they were naked?

Why on earth are they not allowed to sleep in the same room? They are adults. What are you scared of? Them fucking? They probably fuck quite a lot you know.

I think you were rude to hoover outside the room of a guest who hadn't come out of the room yet.
I think you were really rude to react to something your son said by shouting out to his GF!

I expect your future DIL, whoever she is, won't enjoy Christmas at your house very much.

Burnet I expect your future DIL, whoever she is, won't enjoy Christmas at your house very much.

• Thou shalt marry whomsoever thou datest at 19?

You were not unreasonable at all, I have a teenage son and there is no way he will be sharing a bedroom with a girl friend - tough if he doesn't like it. Of course I know he is likely to have sex - he just doesn't need to flaunt the fact in front of other members of the family. And to be naked in bed at 8pm with the door open is just blatently rude and disrespectful.

Why do people fawn over young lovers so much - if your parents came to stay and left the door open at 8pm and were stark naked in bed would you all be so open minded and happy about that?

Equally you shouldn't have to adapt your housework routines because a guest wants a lie in. .

Your DS should have clearly explained that his girl friend had depression and needed to sleep late. You can't know the facts unless you have been told.

since the majority on mumsnet do and that makes them the centre of the universe

1 in 4 people in the UK experience a mental health problem each year. Globally some 350 million people have depression. The WHO fact sheet in that link is worth a read as it is very informative. Thus yes, there are a lot of people with MH issues. The thread title makes mention of depression making it quite likely that people with it will be drawn to the thread as they feel they may be able to offer helpful insights. A lot of people have MH problems and you have a self-selecting group here, upping the %.

With depression, you're more likely to feel that the world is caving in on you than that you are the centre of the universe. It lessens your self esteem to such an extent that you're more likely to think you're completely worthless rather than the reverse. As an illness it presents various difficulties - people don't take it seriously, they attach stigma to it, they don't understand it and they belittle it. Thus if you have MH problems you can be torn between wanting to keep quiet about it, as people won't understand it, and feeling that actually perhaps you should talk about it so people can better understand.

I don't think anyone here is expecting the world to revolve around them. They're just trying to explain that this young woman wouldn't have looked like she had depression, that she will be struggling and may well need more sleep. And no, that doesn't excuse being naked in bed with the door ajar. And yes, you can hoover at half 10 in the morning, although generally I find with guests, depression or not, that it's better not to announce within earshot that you won't tiptoe around so they can lie in bed all day.

Spot on Ragwort!

Hear hear Ragwort!

I don't think he needed to tell you about his girlfriend's depression and I respect him for not breaking her confidence. It sounds like a mismatched set of expectations. Some families will treat children in their teens and their friends as adults living in the same house and they will continue to behave as they do at uni - coming in late, lying in, etc. Others will see a friend staying as a "guest" and expect them to eat with the family, get up in the morning, etc. Your son should have realised and negotiated boundaries beforehand. You sound strict and he will know that.

However, you do sound a bit judgemental and pissy - getting sniffy about them lying in, etc. Separate rooms is your call but it's not the norm at that age and you must realise that. On the surface you are not being unreasonable as it's your house - but I wouldn't like to stay with you, you dont sound very welcoming and the rude comment within earshot about her lying in was out of order and your ds is not unreasonable to be annoyed that you treated his girlfriend with such lack of respect.

The only two points I would make about his are:

1. If people want to stay in bed until past noon then I don't think that is any business of yours.

1. If people want to stay in bed until past noon then I don't think they can dictate what other people do in the house during normal waking hours.

The depression is a complete red herring.

What knittingdad said.

Maybe if they hadn't stayed up very late every night watching films on her lap top, she might not have been quite so tired in the morning. Hope they kept the noise down while the rest of the family were trying to sleep.

Caprinihahaha

Totally agree with your post, except to add that maybe the son's lack of finesse about this might be down to him feeling under some stress himself.

knittingdad

As I said above. The girlfriend did not want to dictate anything. Her boyfriend asked his mum to keep the noise down

There's this nasty undercurrent of disbelief that the GF is depressed, and is merely being a lazy madam

Thanks for all your views, it's really useful to hear everyone's take on what happened. Particular thanks to those who've experienced or are suffering from depression themselves. I'll pick my moment carefully and try to talk it through properly with DS and also see whether he feels a note to his GF from me would be appropriate.