To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

Blackandwhitedog I think you sound really lovely. Don't let anyone else make you feel bad for a momentary slip up. After several days of tiptoeing round I too would have probably said something in an outburst of frustration.

It is also understandable if you were looking forward to welcoming the GF only to feel as if your efforts were thrown back in your face a bit.

Black it sounds like you are now trying to deal with it in the best way you can which is great.

dejarde sometimes sleep patterns are utterly messed up with depression - one can have insomnia at night but then find it difficult to get up in the morning. It's not as straight forward as simply resetting your body clock as sometimes it doesn't matter what time you manage to drag yourself out of bed you still can't sleep at night - you're just then in a state of permanent exhaustion. I do agree though when you say you hope they kept the noise down - that is a completely understandable request!

Op, thanks for coming back - that sounds like a good idea. I know it's probably time I stepped away from this thread but I'm still quite bemused by some attitides on here so this isn't just directed at the op:

I can understand insisting on separate rooms when your kids are, say 15 but the op's son has been at uni, presumably for a year or more which surely makes him at least 19? He's an adult. I have asked this before (but no-one's answered): if you have adult friends or family members to stay, do you always dictate whether they can sleep together?

Secondly, aren't any of you excited when your child brings a girl/boyfriend to stay for the first time? Not even a little bit? This is someone whom your child cares about / is perhaps in love with. And it's not as if they have to introduce them to you. Don't you go that extra mile to make sure they feel at home? I've yet to reach this stage with my son so maybe I'm missing something...

And why are some of you so sneery about 'young love'. It is exciting and all consuming - surely you remember??

"It is very unfair to make them sleep in separate rooms- and using the fact you have a DD as a reason why it isn't appropriate is a little hypocritical, I assume you and your husband have at some point had sex whilst the children are in the house? "

Yes had sex in their own house!
Op you sound very nice you haven't done anything ghastly or maliciously wrong at all. I wouldn't take too kindly to a GF behaving as such before I found out the truth about her illness. After you did you were v understanding.

Floisme - I have a teenage DS and I wouldn't want him sharing a bedroom with a girlfriend at home unless they were clearly living together.

My DSIL was very 'cool' and bought her DD a double bed when she had her first boyfriend, but what happens when it is the second, third .... tenth boyfriend - do you really want a series of 'lovers' sharing your child's bedroom? She also made the point that she actually got to feel quite uncomfortable in her own home as she couldn't wander round in her dressing gown and/or didn't necessarily want to have to chat to a young man first thing in the morning when making breakfast.

Of course I can remember what 'young love' was, but I can recall going back to a boyfriend's house when his mother was totally 'cool' about us sharing a bedroom (actually we only went back for sex - I didn't even stay the night ) now looking back it was all rather pressurised and perhaps if it hadn't been made so easy I would have thought more carefully about having a sexual relationship with him. It never bothered me at all that my parents were very strict about sharing bedrooms and I had, and still have, a great relationship with my parents and respect them for making those 'rules'.

Ragwort thanks for answering. But the op's son isn't a child, he's at least 19. What if an adult friend/sister came to stay at your house with their 10th boyfriend? Would you make them sleep in separate rooms too? Tell them they had to wait till they were living together?

Please don't think I'm being hostile. It can't be easy when your child returns home as a grown up and I'm interested in how people deal with it.

DSS mum was all set up for when he brought his first GF back to stay at 16. I think she practically handed them tissues afterwards and stuck a post coital fag in his mouth. It all seemed v geared to enabling his sex life really but that's another story.. Her parents had no idea of the scenario.

Thank you Gabilan for your excellent post in response to someone Elke talking of people suffering mental health issues thinking they are the centre of the universe. I found that very offensive. She then went on to post things about MN etiquette which she clearly thought were amusing but they weren't.

Anyway I've had enough of hoovergate. But I still think the OP could have closed the door if it was ajar (and it could have been very slightly ajar) she didn't have to go into the room which she clearly did.....and to all posters who have no empathy with people who suffer from mental ill health, all I can say is "it could be you" - 1 in 4 - so the odds are quite high.

Adult guests who arrive as couples are not your offspring though are they? You can ask your kids to stick to your rules for as long as they wish to live in your home (including university bounce back visits).

Flosme - We had a recently divorced friend who wanted to come and stay with us with a series of new girlfriends, after the first two I did say that I didn't want him to stay with us again (more DH's friend than mine ) as I just felt we were being used as a free bed and breakfast and shagging opportunity rather than him genuinely wanting to introduce us to his new partner.

So I suppose I avoided the situation of suggesting separate rooms but just not inviting him at all.

How do you feel Floisme that you will react to this when your child is older? Like you, I am genuinely interested in other people's views, neither is 'right' or 'wrong' but everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with. When I was growing up I never felt the need to bring boyfriends home to share a bedroom; I was living with a boyfriend when I was at university but neither of went home to the other's parents during the holidays.

But why would you do that Morris?

My parents were liberal types and I was given condoms in my Xmas stocking :)

But the reason I guess why so many parents don't want their adult kids shagging under their roof is simply that it makes them feel uncomfortable. Rationally, they will know that the couple will be in a sexual relationship and that it's the normal way of things for young adults. But it's their house and they get to make the rules.

My own granny wouldn't let my dad and my stepmum share a room in her house even when they'd been together well over a decade and both middle aged. Ok, my granny was basically insane but my dad never pushed it.

I dunno, is the right to shag in other peoples homes in the Human Rights act? :)

Well Ragwort at least you're consistent

How will I feel? A bit awkward I'm sure. My son's coming up to adulthood and the transistion is tricky - in some ways I find it more challenging than the baby/toddler years. The idea of them having sex is strange!

But basically, as I've said, I think (and hope) I'd be thrilled and excited that he'd met someone and I'd do anything I could to make her feel welcome, especially on the first visit (although yes, I would ask them to close the door before getting naked!)

My parents didn't let me and now-DH share a room until we were engaged Their house, their rules, in the same way that I respect other people's rules on wearing shoes indoors, keeping the dog out of the sitting room or whatever. I don't think any worse of them for it, nor did I when I stayed at bf's houses where their parents had the same rules.

Maybe I am even more of an old gimmer than I realized...

Anyway, lolling around naked with the door open is bad-mannered regardless of sleeping arrangements and regardless of who is doing it - I doubt many posters would be cool with their adult friends doing that either

Op your second post is very caring towards son and gf.
That is nice. X

Lovely, more ignorant and offense posts about mental health.
Not surprising people are too ashamed to ask for help!
I don't think i am the center of the universe, most of the time i wish i weren't even part of it.

But would you be genuinely happy if your DS had a new girlfriend every couple of months and wanted her to stay overnight Floisme?

As I mentioned earlier in my DSIL's case, she clearly hadn't thought through how she would react to each new boyfriend .......... it might be perfectly acceptable to 'allow' the first serious boyfriend to stay overnight but then you have set a precedent and what to do about changing your mind? That is why I would just say 'separate rooms'. Of course, we all know that people will creep into each other's bedrooms but I don't see it part of my parenting role to facilitate my child's sex life in the future. .

I also think that when we went off to university it did tend to mean leaving home for good. But things are different now and our adult kids are likely to be bouncing back and forth for some years yet. Personally I believe that means rethinking the relationship and finding ways of accommodating each other - as adults who may at times want to have sex. I'm sure it won't be easy but I just don't see how 'my house my rules' can work once you get to that stage.

Ragwort Would I be happy? I honestly don't know. I can only keep repeating that he would be an adult and I wouldn't see it as my role to police his sex life!

Same if my sister were doing the same thing - I might be worried for her but I wouldn't tell her 'my house my rules'. I would accommodate her because she's a grown up and she's family.

It's definitely a scenario that makes me think. Unless circumstances change, we will have 3 bedrooms - long term : DS1 & 2 in one, DD in another, DH and I in third. So if DS1 went to uni and came home with GF for them to share a room would mean either kicking one of the other kids out of their room, or DH and I going on sofa bed in living room. I've done this plenty for PIL but I don't think I'd do it for DS/GF when I'm 50. I'd probably suggest GF in with DD or they go on sofa bed together and accept lack of privacy. Am I a massive ageist??

Although I guess I do it with PIL as it feels bad to make someone in 70s with hip replacements etc sleep on sofa bed, not so they can get a legover. Would I do the same if I knew GF was ill? Quite possibly, but I wouldn't do it as the default.

Too damm right - my house my rules. If I want to hoover at 10.30 am I will!

parallax80 oooher this is turning into some kind of moral maze... No I don't think I'd give up my bed for them either! I'd probably put them both in the living room - and ask them to make sure they kept the door closed

Actually too hell with. I will also get the lawn mover out once I have done the hoovering.

Hmm, this hedge has grown a bit

All this 'my house my rules' stuff is making me feel a bit sad. It would be different if it was still easy for our kids to leave home and find well paying jobs and somewhere to live. But it's not like that for them any more and I think our generation really need to start adusting to that.