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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset and feel a bit seond rate?

145 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 15/08/2015 15:57

It's FIL's birthday today, not a "special" one, just a regular birthday.

DH suggested to MIL and SIL that they buy him a new laptop as his old one was getting a bit past it. They split the cost, so about £150 each way.

It's my birthday in five days time. It's a significant one. DH asked me today which scent of Yankee Candle I would like as we "can't afford" anything else

Before anyone suggests it, he's not winding me up and will not have a flashier alternative planned as a secret. I'm getting a bastarding candle.

I'm so disappointed I could cry. Come and slap some sense into me.

OP posts:

DJThreeDog · 17/08/2015 13:49

Maybe harsh but don't you think we should go with what the OP has told us, rather than making but a bunch of back stories?

YANBU OP.

Happytuesdays99 · 17/08/2015 13:55

A candle? I would be pissed off with that for any birthday!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 14:41

That kind of present I expect off somebody who doesent really know me, or an Aunt or cousin, not my dh, especially after I treated him for his significant birthday. Yes op should let him know to make sure that mistake does not happen again, as he seems to have a form for this.

harshbuttrue1980 · 17/08/2015 14:47

Aero, if a candle was what someone chose to get for my birthday, then a candle is what I'll accept with grace. Many couples don't get each other extravagant presents. If there wasn't much money in the joint account, then I actually would be unhappy with my partner splashing out on something we couldn't really afford. After all, its my money too.

But, yeah OP, if you want to, then stamp your feet and tell him to buy you the expensive watch that you want instead. You'll get the watch, and your DH will learn what it takes to please you. Then its his decision what to do with that knowledge. personally, if someone stamped their feet about a present I chose, I wouldn't bother getting them anything again. I can't imagine anything so ungracious.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 14:55

harsh thank goodness the great majority of people agree that op dh is though less and careless, and a candle is unacceptable present for any birthday let alone a special one, sorry it is. Thank goodness were in the time where we just do not put yup and shut up, which is what your suggesting. Op has every right to tell her dh if she is unhappy, in a healthy relationship you should be able to communicate with one another. From op posts, it sounds like her dh does not give a toss, or respect her which is a Problem. If it's like this in other aspects of her relationship, then yes there is a problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 15:00

If he had not spent £150 on his fathers present behind op back, knowing that op special birthday was also coming up, he would have funds to buy op something nice. But he did not! His actions show a lack of respect, care or thought towards her, that is what people on here are angry about. By the sounds of op, there could be other ways in which he is like that towRds her, not only the gift.

Lweji · 17/08/2015 15:05

From op posts, it sounds like her dh does not give a toss, or respect her which is a Problem. If it's like this in other aspects of her relationship, then yes there is a problem.

What I'm also thinking.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 15:18

Harsh it matters not whether the gift is a candle, a laptop or a ferrari.

What matters is the thought that goes into it. If I was given a candle, whether or not I like candles, from someone who I know has put thought and care into choosing it for me then I would be very happy with that. If, as in the OPs case, I knew it was chosen not with love or care for me but because it was there and it was easy and "That'll do" then I wouldnt be.

If he handed over a ferrari with a feeling of "That'll do" then it would be just as bad as the candle. He just doesnt care enough to try, and thats whats hurt the OPs feelings, not the gift or the value of the gift.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 15:40

This year, dh was a bit broke, loft conversion and bills, so I got a box of my favourite chocolates and some Bossom Hill, which suited me fine. It was a small present £20, but one he knew I would enjoy, and that is the difference.

LeafyLafae · 17/08/2015 15:52

"Difficult to buy for" - sounds like this is code for "I can't be arsed to put any thought into a decent present because I don't bother to ask what you would like or pay attention to your interests or what you say". I suspect you'd rather have something cheap that took some time & effort than something expensive & quick to get.
Hope your DH reflects on the situation - with any luck he'll moan to his sister who should put him right on the situation.
But spending a significant amount of your joint money without consulting you first is bang out of order!

IJustLostTheGame · 17/08/2015 17:37

Agree with bogey face. It is the thought that counts not the price tag and op's dh clearly has not bothered on either count.
My dh is crap at presents, he gets me truky hideous things, but he puts so much thought into them I accept with grace. And hope to god it breaks/falls apart asap so I can get rid without feeling guilty

Original poster

NotSayingImBatman · 18/08/2015 12:59

FWIW it's not about the cash as such. If he'd gone to Waterstones and picked out some books from the genre I like and chucked in a box of nice chocs from the kids that would have been fine.

It's the fact that I'm worth less thought AND less money than FIL. He's a good husband, he looks after the kids as much as I do, does as much housework as me and I just wish he could extend the same thoughtfulness into gifts that I try to put into his.

A couple of Christmases ago, we were skint. Hefty mortgage, I'd just returned to work from mat leave, full time childcare, we were wiped out. But I still managed to put him together a little care package of the sweets, nuts and beer that he likes for about £15.

Guess what I got, for about £15 that same year?

OP posts:

willconcern · 18/08/2015 13:04

A candle?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2015 13:05

Candles notsaying . Now you have had that talk, he might now be more considerate and give more thought into your gifts. If he is a good husband, he will take that on board.

80sMum · 18/08/2015 13:13

Instead of a present, why not arrange to go out somewhere? Doesn’t have to be on your actual birthday. Maybe theatre tickets? Perhaps you could suggest that to your husband?
If he's anything like my DH though, you will have to book it up and organise it yourself!

Oldraver · 18/08/2015 13:29

Does he know you have ordered the watch ? I wouldn't let him know as it lets him off the hook.

You have spelt out how you felt and I would see how he acts..

hellsbellsmelons · 18/08/2015 13:45

As I always say - stop saying I'm hard to buy for, you know where the off license is!

I've really had to spell it out for my OH this year.
I thought I'd spelt it out last year but it didn't happen.
So I've literally been asking him every now and then what it is I want for my birthday.
It's not expensive, just something I want.

A lot (not all) men are just crap at this.

Tangerineandturquoise · 18/08/2015 19:40

I am really pleased you told him notsayingi'mBatman he might be hurt until he adjusts, but you would have been hurt on every special occasion for years if you didn't say something.
I hope the christening was a nice day

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/08/2015 19:51

Harshbuttrue - do you understand that it is NOT the relative costs of the two gifts - it is the fact that the OP's dh never outs any thought into a present for her - he just gets her a candle every time.

Candle = zero thought/care.

Why shouldn't the OP want her dh to put a bit of thought into selecting a gift for her?

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2015 10:18

Hope you had a lovely day, with lots of and . What did dh do for you?

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