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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset and feel a bit seond rate?

145 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 15/08/2015 15:57

It's FIL's birthday today, not a "special" one, just a regular birthday.

DH suggested to MIL and SIL that they buy him a new laptop as his old one was getting a bit past it. They split the cost, so about £150 each way.

It's my birthday in five days time. It's a significant one. DH asked me today which scent of Yankee Candle I would like as we "can't afford" anything else

Before anyone suggests it, he's not winding me up and will not have a flashier alternative planned as a secret. I'm getting a bastarding candle.

I'm so disappointed I could cry. Come and slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 21:58

What a dick he is, get him yoshi candle for him for his birthday. Just shows his attitude towards you. How is he like most of the time? Good for you for ordering the watch, hope it's out of the joint account. Hope it's the more expensive variety. I told dh, and he was Shock.

aprilanne · 16/08/2015 21:59

sorry op i did,nt realise you hated candles thought you just mad because that was all you getting .so thats even worse if u not a candle person

redshoeblueshoe · 16/08/2015 22:02

I hope you pointed out he can pick decent presents for his DF.
Even I can do better than him and I don't know you - here
Wine Flowers Wine Flowers Wine

for your H Biscuit
Remind him of what he got/did for his significant birthday

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 22:09

Op I would have not have gotten the wAtch yet, he might have bought it for you. Then come your birthday, if you get nothing, buy it and then some.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 22:20

Send or give him some links of other things you would like,so,there is o excuse for him to get you a blooming candle.i am glad you told him you don't like candles, cheapskate. Even if you did, that's a poor present to give your wife on her significant birthday, that and a lovely necklace from Tiffany Wink.

ohtheholidays · 16/08/2015 23:42

No don't buy him a lynx set get him a soap on a rope......preferably a used one! Grin

NeuNewNouveau · 16/08/2015 23:51

How much was the watch out of interest? (Trying to compare to candle and laptop)

redskirt3 · 16/08/2015 23:55

Yes, you need to up your expectations of him. Sounds like you are starting to do this. Well done. I find that eliminating the emotion, just making your expectations clear and then sweetly moving on, does the trick in my relationship. Hopefully you have success too :)

Sazzle41 · 17/08/2015 00:09

Is he generally crap at presents? If so write a list and tell him how you feel as he sounds clueless. Some men are dense when it comes to expressing emotions and knowing or interpreting your feelings: and have to have very very specific instructions or frank conversations or they come up with ideas like your candle. You dont ask you dont get I find with male of the species. In general, they dont do or 'get' subtle or hints. Which is good for me as i am crap at both!

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 00:22

Is he generally crap at presents? If so write a list and tell him how you feel as he sounds clueless. Some men are dense when it comes to expressing emotions and knowing or interpreting your feelings: and have to have very very specific instructions or frank conversations or they come up with ideas like your candle. You dont ask you dont get I find with male of the species. In general, they dont do or 'get' subtle or hints. Which is good for me as i am crap at both!

Given that he managed to organise and buy an expensive laptop for his father, having noticed that his fathers was knackered and not having been asked to buy this by anyone, we can assume he is not crap at buying presents.

He is however crap at giving 2 shiney shites about his wife.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 00:40

Exaxtly bogey he is crap when it concerns his wife, which is awful, to me would be a dealbreaker or red flag at the very least.

ChilliAndMint · 17/08/2015 00:43

I understand completely. My one sibling is a millionaire..I am not expecting them to pay off my mortgage or anything , but I send them their spouse and kids what I can afford re gifts.

I get gifts of about an equal value for Birthdays ,Christmas etc.

However ,well off relatives receive presents worth thousands for weddings and the like from them.

I am not bitter, but I know if I had the means to be more generous to my less than well off friends and family I would take pleasure in being generous with my gifts .

I guess that is why some people are rich...

I think that I am blessed with having good friends who are supportive in other ways, people I can rely on and don't judge me by the car I drive or house I live in.

ChasedByBees · 17/08/2015 00:43

I would make sure his family knew that he was planning to give you such a crappy gift. He really needs to put more effort in. He's taking you for granted big time.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 00:47

"Oh, nice laptop FIL! Better than the candle DH was going to get me!" "Yes for my X0th! No he didnt give it to me, I told him that I dont really like candles so he didnt get me anything"

Lets see how that goes down!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 00:55

I agree chilli some people are rich for that very reason, that's not the point of giving, to receive like they are doing, you give from the heart. Sounds like my mums way of giving. Bogey sounds like op 'd' h cannot be arsed, he put in the effort when he wanted to. Even with op suggestions, he is making shit excuses, like the price has gone up. What by a couple of sodding pounds, tightwad.

Topseyt · 17/08/2015 01:00

Whilst I am not really that big on birthdays (my own), I am even less big on candles. He would find it up his arse pretty soon afterwards.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 01:25

aero even if it had gone up a lot, he would have said "I know you wanted that but it was on offer when you linked it, is doubled in price now and I really dont think we can afford that. Is there another one you like?"

But he didnt. It was an excuse because his mental rolodex throws up "Wifes birthday - candle" and anything outside of that he simply will not contemplate.

I hope he does now buy it and she ends up with 2! It will highlight just how little faith she had in him and will hopefully make him feel like utter crap.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 07:29

I know bogey, he could have taken her shopping to Say Fraser Heart, Ernest Jones or H Samuel, and asked her to pick what she would like within say a £150-200 price bracket as it a very special birthday, then out for a lunch and dinner. What he did to her required little thought, care, or respect, compared to his father. Poor op does not even like candles, did he not even know that before buying her sodding candles as gifts.

Well now he knows. Op has said that he will but her nothing if he can't buy her a candle, how shit is that! He has the audacity to be hurt about op telling him a candle is nit acceptable, how does op feel, dick! That would be a red flag in my book, especially not apologising and trying to make things right for her, instead looking sheepish and saying the watch has gone up in price. Op kick your H into touch, you need to be more forthright with him.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 07:40

She should show him this thread, I did dh, and he was Shock. At least he knows not to buy me a candle Grin not that he ever. I don't mind them, but gift wise, they come under the group of crappy, pointless gifts, along with crapoy fridge magnets, or glass whimseys, and glass ornaments with poems on and crappy bath sets.

harshbuttrue1980 · 17/08/2015 11:04

A voice of dissent here. A present is a present, and you should be grateful for what you're given and the fact that someone has bought you anything at all. I can't stand the modern lack of manners that makes people scrutinise the cost of gifts. For all we know, the husband might be generous with his wife the rest of the year, whereas he might just buy something for his Dad once a year. Or he might also be planning to take his wife for a nice dinner - or you might be getting a surprise party. Whatever the reason, "you don't love me because you spent more on your dad than on me" is just bratty. If I was buying a candle for my partner and also planning a surprise party, sorry, but if my partner started bratting about the candle, I would cancel the surprise party. Trying to manipulate him into spending more money on you just isn't right.

AlbrechtDurer · 17/08/2015 11:15

Wine Cake Flowers for your birthday, OP.

Sorry, there isn't a Fossil watch emoticon. But, on the plus side, there isn't a Yankee candle one either.

Mrsjayy · 17/08/2015 11:34

Id stick the candle up his backside how inconsiderate and just horrible a candle bugger that

Mrsjayy · 17/08/2015 11:37

It isnt about the bloody money its about thoughtful present buying the dh buy a fucking candle something that is easy and tboughtless he is fine flashi ng the cash for his father but his wife gets whatever he can be bothered to buy

Findtheoldme · 17/08/2015 11:58

Happy birthday Cake in advance.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 13:41

harsh will get you a blooming candle for your significant birthday and see how you like it! It was not that op h was poor, he put thought and effort into his fathers recent birthday, and nothing for op. It is the lack of respect, thought and care. Op has quite rightly told him that she does not like candles, and as a result she has said that he will probably get her nothing, which is piss poor. We are not talking about a present from Aunt Maud or Granny, but op husband and lover. Op has said that there will be not special gift or surprise, a candle which she does not like, and that's it! She knows her h better than you or I harsh, he probably has a form for this. But expected a bit more thought into her significant birthday, obviously not!

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