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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and feel a bit seond rate?

145 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 15/08/2015 15:57

It's FIL's birthday today, not a "special" one, just a regular birthday.

DH suggested to MIL and SIL that they buy him a new laptop as his old one was getting a bit past it. They split the cost, so about £150 each way.

It's my birthday in five days time. It's a significant one. DH asked me today which scent of Yankee Candle I would like as we "can't afford" anything else

Before anyone suggests it, he's not winding me up and will not have a flashier alternative planned as a secret. I'm getting a bastarding candle.

I'm so disappointed I could cry. Come and slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 15/08/2015 16:20

Tell him he is a knobhead. Remind him of his special birthday and all he had etc and tell him if he can afford £150 towards a laptop for his dad's bday he can get you more than a fucking candle for yours!
Are you planning a party or anything? If Mil/sil ask what he got you, tell them straight why you ended up with a candle and embarrass the fuck out of him

googoodolly · 15/08/2015 16:20

He obviously is good at gifts. He got together with his mum and sister to organise something for his dad.

He just can't be arsed to do the same for you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/08/2015 16:20

Yanbu. Tell him you don't want a bastard candle and you'll buy your own present. You were thinking about £500 seems about right because it's a big birthday and if he can afford to spend £150 on his dad then stumping up a bit more for his wife and mother of his children is fair enough.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2015 16:21

Exactly aunty you have to tell him, that you don't like candles, set up a gift list of gifts you like and e mail it to him or print out and give it to him. If dh got me a candle it other related crap, my face would say it all, so he does not make that mistake again. One birthday dh git me nothing, I told him how unhappy I was and I was very disappointed, a month later a box of chocolates appeared. Since then my birthday and Christmas gifts have been fantastic.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2015 16:30

Gah, cross-posted, it takes me so long to type these days!

"He would usually get me a candle to be fair. Not because i particularly like them, just because it's quick, easy to find and puts a tick next to the mental to do of buying me a gift."
OP, have you ever TOLD him that you don't particularly like candles? Because you really really must do so. Nobody is a mind reader, so I'll give him the benefit on that.

Regardless, "I really didn't think he'd do this though. Especially after the fuss I made of him when he celebrated this particular birthday." Then you point this out to him, VERY clearly. You are just as important as he is. Point out to him that this casual disregard for your birthday, where he behaves as if your birthday is sooo much less important than his and his father's, is disrespectful and hurtful, and that he needs to buck up his ideas, pay a bit more attention to what's important in life and show you that he cares. Seriously, I would get on his case over this. Not because I am some special snowflake and my birthday is the centre of my being, but because how little effort he is putting into your birthday compared to his father's (plan, suggest, organize, overspend) is indicative of how little effort he puts in full stop. It's dismissive of you as a person.

"DH seems obsessed with proving how much money he has to his family. He's always striving to have the better car, the bigger house, the best gadgets."
Well it's time he strove to have the most contented wife then, isn't it Angry.

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2015 16:30

" NotSayingImBatman

He would usually get me a candle to be fair. Not because i particularly like them, just because it's quick, easy to find and puts a tick next to the mental to do of buying me a gift."
My grandad gets me candles for these reasons (and because I like them and ask for them). I'd expect dh to put in more thought and effort.

Lweji · 15/08/2015 16:30

Before you LTB (coffee, you're the reason people write threads complaining of LTB for no reason Wink), I wouldn't particularly care about the type of birthday. Your FIL needs a new laptop and I'd be fine contributing to it, unless you can't afford it or he's a right bastard that never helps out.
I'd point out that I'd expect a big fuss out of your birthday, although not necessarily a big gift. (Is it true you can't afford it?)
But, to avoid the candle, I'd say I'd rather pass on the candle this year, ask him to be original and be dropping hints about something you need. Surely they could pull with your oh if he's tight on money. Grin

In my family? if we can come up with something special one year it's independent of the birthday. Big ones tend to be about bigger and lobger gatherings, rather than presents.

Totality22 · 15/08/2015 16:38

What did he spend on his dad last year? What did he spend on you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2015 16:41

"He would usually get me a candle to be fair. Not because i particularly like them, just because it's quick, easy to find and puts a tick next to the mental to do of buying me a gift."
Sorry, forgot to add what I thought of this. This is what really made me Angry for you OP. The whole fucking minimal effort thing. 'Fuck it if she likes them or not, job done.' How, just how, is that a present? Buying a gift for a spouse is a pleasure, the paying attention to conversations for ideas of what they would like, the off-the-cuff comments you store away for later to guide your selection, the satisfaction of seeing their response. What it is NOT is a scheduled task in your fucking Outlook Calendar that involves not a shred of thought or thoughtfulness.

If you had been skint, he could have got you a thoughtful gift that would have made you feel cherished for less than the price of a scented candle. It's not the claimed skintness that is at the core of my anger. Although it does add fuel to the fire, because he wasn't skint for his father's birthday. It's the absolute lack of attention, consideration, thought, thoughtfulness - fuck, it's the lack of KINDNESS that I find so horrible in his behaviour.

Sodder · 15/08/2015 16:42

YANBU. I'd raise merry hell over this. You should be the star of his show.

FenellaFellorick · 15/08/2015 16:43

That's right.

Candle, tick, job done, easy, no thought.

laptop - think - dad's laptop isn't so great, he likes his laptop, wouldn't it be nice to get one for him, let me talk to everyone and see if we can club together.

There's nothing about this that indicates he isn't capable of putting thought and effort into a gift.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 15/08/2015 16:45

Right to be disappointed OP. I'm in the same boat. I asked DC to get a second hand silver charm bracelet and a charm each, significant to them, for my decade birthday. Cheap enough for DC to buy and easy to transport as we're on hol for my birthday. Turns out DH bought the bracelet and DC and DDog a charm each. That's it! Was expecting a bit more from DH. Last decade birthday we went away for a surprise weekend. Last year, however, he didn't get me anything! Not even a card as he 'didn't have time before our hols'!

diddl · 15/08/2015 16:49

"it's quick, easy to find and puts a tick next to the mental to do of buying me a gift."

That's the problem.

Thoughtless where you are concerned.

Wanting to show off re money to his family is really sad.

ZetaPu · 15/08/2015 16:51

Tell him you don't want a candle!
I don't blame you for being upset.
It seems like if you don't tell him what you expect, he won't know.
Set the precedence now.

DocHollywood · 15/08/2015 16:57

Did he even discuss spending £150 on his dad with you? Especially if money is tight. I can't believe something that expensive wouldn't get discussed first. Do you share your money? If so, I would be really annoyed. Regarding the candle just say it doesn't cut it this year. As an extra to a nice piece of jewellery, maybe.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/08/2015 17:03

Ask him why he spent £150 on his dad and you only get a candle.

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/08/2015 17:16

Tell him no, you don't want a candle, you would like a.....laptop? present equivalent of the present you gave him?
Go ballistic if he says he has no money. £150 for his father's present!
You have every right to be hurt and upset; make sure he knows, and his father.

Original poster
NotSayingImBatman · 15/08/2015 17:29

We do share money, yes, and buying the laptop is something I was told about after the fact.

I have told him in no uncertain terms that I do not want, need or desire a candle. Which means I may not get anything.

So, bugger it, I won't be bothering with thoughtful gifts for him either. What's the male equivalent of a scented candle? A lynx gift set?

OP posts:
Inertia · 15/08/2015 17:40

He clearly can sort out thoughtful presents, just can't be bothered to spend the money or effort on you. And I wouldn't be happy about being told about the laptop after the decision had been made?

Has the laptop been bought already? If there's not actually enough money to spend £150 on presents without other financial repercussions, perhaps he needs to say that he can't afford the laptop after all?

Lightbulbon · 15/08/2015 17:40

Your DP spent 10x as much on his dad's non significant birthday as your significant one? Shock

Good catch!

Take £150 out of your joint account and spend it on something fabulous for yourself.

Get him a key ring for his bday/Xmas.

DaemonPantalaemon · 15/08/2015 17:40

Fuck lynx gift sets. Just get him a candle. Every birthday, and every Christmas from now on. And be sure ti get him an extra special candle for Father's Day :)

ZetaPu · 15/08/2015 17:50

Would he really not get you anything?
My dh is going through a really stressful time at work so he genuinely didn't get a chance to get me anything special. He told me before hand so I went out for lunch and shopping with my sister and I chose my own piece of jewellery on his behalf and had a fab time.
(Then on the day he have me posh chocolates)
Just do something like that and tell him he's inconsiderate and unkind.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 15/08/2015 17:54

Why don't you get him something YOU want for his birthday? Win/win

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 15/08/2015 17:55

Nonono I've got it

Get him a tea light for his birthday

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2015 17:58

That is awful op Sad. Yes get so thing nice for yourself from your joint account.