Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and feel a bit seond rate?

145 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 15/08/2015 15:57

It's FIL's birthday today, not a "special" one, just a regular birthday.

DH suggested to MIL and SIL that they buy him a new laptop as his old one was getting a bit past it. They split the cost, so about £150 each way.

It's my birthday in five days time. It's a significant one. DH asked me today which scent of Yankee Candle I would like as we "can't afford" anything else

Before anyone suggests it, he's not winding me up and will not have a flashier alternative planned as a secret. I'm getting a bastarding candle.

I'm so disappointed I could cry. Come and slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
Pinkball75 · 16/08/2015 00:13

Personally, I would tell him that giving me a bloody candle on this occasion would warrant leaving him and burning all his belongings in a fiery heap on the driveway. Then thank him for the 'real, more appropriate' gift that you've already chosen and paid for courtesy of the joint account.

rollonthesummer · 16/08/2015 12:19

What would his mum say if you told her he could only afford to get you a candle??

Waltermittythesequel · 16/08/2015 12:27

Actually, not trying to make this a mountain out of a molehill but I think this is fucking horrible.

He's not bad at present buying, he managed to organise a great present for his dad.

He can't afford anything else and he keeps getting you candles? It's just fucking mean.

TRexingInAsda · 16/08/2015 12:44

Why the fuck have you not said to him 'you spent 150 quid on your dad, we've got money, I want xyz and if you buy me a fucking candle I'll wax your balls with it, you tight git'.

TRexingInAsda · 16/08/2015 12:45

And Yanbu. Remind him what you got him for his 40th (or whatever). You need to be really up front about this to void resentfulness afterwards which will be damaging to your relationship.

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2015 12:48

I hope your MIL, FIL and SIL are putting £150 each towards a present for you, too, OP.

Bogeyface · 16/08/2015 12:51

A man who organises a new laptop for his dad, is very good at present buying.

He just doesnt give a shit about you. And I have to say that this would have me questioning my relationship, as it shows how much (or how little) he thinks of you.

Sorry.

rollonthesummer · 16/08/2015 12:52

I've just reread your post and seen that it's significant birthday-that is just shite. Please don't let him ruin your birthday-how well do you get on with his family? It's clear he wants to keep up appearances. Can't you ring his sister and have a wobble saying he's told you he's only getting you a candle for your 30th/40th as he's skint and you're really fed up. What would she say?

I'm afraid I would be apoplectic with rage!!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 13:17

Op, you should tell him how shite his behaviour is, if you don't, he will keep buying you shite candles. I would tell him this is unacceptable, I would talk to him about how he really feels for you. If you speak to his mum and dad, tell them he only got you a candle for your significant birthday, as he could not afford anymore presents, after giving £150 towards the laptop.

This is shit op, it really is. Not only did he instigate the gift buying for his father, he gave £150 towards it without telling you beforehand. You tell him to buy you that watch, you expect nothing less. If he doesent, it is quite obvious how he feel about you and that you will have to think about where this relationship is going.

Kintsugi · 16/08/2015 13:33

I would buy him a hotwater bottle from the pound shop and give it to him now
when he asks why
tell him its going to be a cold day in hell before you'll forgive him for of buying you a candle for your birthday - just so you know...
oh and it might keep him warm sleeping on the couch

passmethewineplease · 16/08/2015 13:36

YANBU that would piss me right off.

magoria · 16/08/2015 13:43

I would sit him down and tell him that he saw the effort and care you put into his birthday which you did because you love him and wanted to celebrate him.

Then tell him that his lazy, box ticking, not even guessing what scent (which is none) gift getting makes him look like he doesn't give a shiny shit about you and that you are really unhappy about it.

There is no point in staying silent and building resentment.

If he carries on the same you know he really doesn't give a shiny shit so start buying your own present from now on and don't bother even getting him a lynx set.

aprilanne · 16/08/2015 13:47

if it was a big collection from yankee fair enough .because some of there baskets can near £100 .i love them but not one say £15 candle if his dad getting a lap top for his .mean git

Tangerineandturquoise · 16/08/2015 13:51

If he's a good man, and you seem to think he is, then you have to tell him. That you aren't that fond of candles actually, and as it is a special birthday you'd like a special gift.

If he's an arse go out and buy your own special gift, for the children to give to you with a cake and candles and balloons and a card.

As for this bit we "can't afford" anything else does he often make joint financial decisions without discussing them with you first?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 13:55

april op does not like candles, do multiple ones woukd be even shitter Sad. He can put the effort and thought for his father, but can't be arsed for his wife. Says it all really.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 13:57

Op have you talked to him about it yet.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2015 14:20

It is beyond mean and hurtful-really sorry OP-your special birthday - his behaviour stinks... Also you'll end up remembering this forever...its like its seered across your brain...

--i can recall someone who at the time regarded a good friend, who for my 21st bought me a cheap a4 sized sub- athena hideous poster in a cheap plastic frame-suspect was a regift... after me and another pal had clubbed together and bought her a gold chain for her 21 st which she asked for. She was working in a well- paid job and lived ar home. The other gold chain buying friend received a boots gift set for her 21st. She was open about the fact it was second hand- she had used some of the shower gel and body cream and didnt like the smell! Incredible! It really wasnt the money it was the sheer lack of thought!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2015 15:32

Op you have told him that you don't want and need a candle, so you have said that he will not get you anything, as he does not know what you want, despite sending him links to items. Sorry op, that is shit and bloody crap behaviour on his part, and should be ashamed. If he does this on your special day, if his parents asked how your day was, if you got anything special, tell them what your 'd' H got you, and that he said he could not afford anything else due to other expenses. You don't want to make his parents guilty because of his rubbish behaviour.

AspieAndNT · 16/08/2015 19:31

OP - what have you done about it?

Original poster
NotSayingImBatman · 16/08/2015 19:47

Sorry, it was DS2's christening today so didn't have chance to check back in.

I told him about the candle. I told him I will be hurt, offended and angry if I get less spent on me than his dad. He looked hurt and said I'm difficult to buy for. I reminded him about the watch and he mumbled something about it going up in price since I sent the link.

I give up. I've ordered it and the DSs can give me it.

OP posts:
RunningJumpingClimbingTrees · 16/08/2015 19:51

His attitude about the candles makes me think of the frankie Boyle joke (yes I know he is a twunt) about men on holiday getting a gift for his partner and upon seeing a giant Toblerone thinks "fuck it this'll do".

I had a candle I loved a few years ago that was a soda bread candle and smelled amazing. my husband has been trying to find it for me again ever since but the company is so small they only do a limited number. He does try with other brands for most birthdays etc BUT it is always in addition to another thoughtful present and not just an afterthought.

I like to put lots of effort into all presents I buy and know other people don't always but your husband needs to pull the finger out and treat you more than his father.

RunningJumpingClimbingTrees · 16/08/2015 19:53

Sorry a cross post there. Glad you have told him and that your son's are getting you a nice watch

PurpleHairAndPearls · 16/08/2015 20:11

I wonder perhaps if the issue is going to be slightly misdirected if you have told him you will be offended and angry if you get less spent on you than his dad.

Personally I think you perhaps should make it clearer that it's not about the money itself/the comparative financial value of the gifts, but the lack of thought behind suggesting a candle for a significant birthday for his wife, when he has made it clear he can be thoughtful when buying for other people.

yoshipoppet · 16/08/2015 21:01

Please please please buy him these for his next birthday

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/08/2015 21:28

I'd be fecking raging and yes what he spent on FIL would be totally relevant. I would actually feel beyond hurt and totally reevaluate our marriage