To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

[Whoiswrong]

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

but at that moment we didn't think anything of her eye rolls and just got on with it. pumpkin I was able to do this because the eye rolls are nothing knew. The comments afterwards were though

The fact that the eye rolls are nothing new should perhas have told you that there is an issue before now. Unless she has eye rolled her way through this entire friendship in response to perceived good fortune on your part.

Btw, I have been googling these bloody bags. There is a whole world of bagdom out there I wasn't aware of!

Eight and half grand for a bag? I thought we might have been talking About£800/900, but £8.5 grand?

Sorry OP, I was sort of with you until I found out how much the bag is worth. You waltz into your friends house, forgetting all about a bag on your arm that would pay someone's mortgage for a year, a friend who is struggling. She rolls her eye's - a clear sign, which you and friend B chose to ignore and continued to drool over it. Talk about rubbing her nose in it.

No wonder she had a go and frankly OP, 'good people' don't do that to their friends, good people are sensitive to their friends situation and don't bleat ' but we buy things for the children'.

Sorry OP you sound very unpleasant.

You got a rough ride from some on this thread OP.

YANBU and I hope you and your friend manage to sort things out.

I was a single Mum to 4DC and the only thing that I found hard was money.I think your friends probably been having a really hard time financially and because of the stress that can cause she's just blown her top at you.

I'm sorry, but I still think it is crass to take a bag worth that much round to visit a friend who is seriously struggling for money. Actually, I think it is rather crass to OWN such a bag, but each to their own.

You could have taken a different bag to work that day. "I was excited about the bag, why shouldn't I take it to work?", is just so teenage.

All the people saying "she should get a job" etc are, IMO, a bit heartless but then this is what the UK has come to really, isn't it? Some people collect bags worth thousands of pounds and squeal over them and others go without food so their kids can eat.

I realise you help your friend out, OP, but I think you could have been a bit more sensitive this time. If she has eye-rolled and made sarky comments before about your endless new possessions, then you should have picked up the cue to be a bit more thoughtful.

I think you should both apologise to each other and make up. This can't be worth losing such a close and long-standing friendship over. But, as the person in the stronger position at the moment, you can afford to be the one to make the first move here and just rise above what she said.

hepzi that's the reason why I didn't want ro say what bag it was. I don't see why the price should matter towards the main argument ; the hurtful things that were said.

Does a true friend not celebrate their friends successes ?

I supported her through her job and have always celebrated her successes and supported her through the misfortunes. This is why I'm hurt by what she said - To say we are not good people because I was gifted a bag , forgetting everything else that I have /continue to do infuriated me.

Anyway, seems im going round in circles about it. And revealing the bag seems to a have bothered people too much

I agree withholidays some people on here have been really awful to you and to say you sound v unpleasant, not on in my book! I couldn't dream of being able to spending that amount on a bag but it doesn't mean I've got the right to judge you for the fact that you can. If that's not some people's idea of fun, well, each to their own. To cast you as some king of shallow materialistic person because of this makes them rather shallow to judge your whole character based on something so superficial.

You're human and you reacted as many people would have in that situation and FWIW you sound like a perfectly nice person to me. I really hope you can make it up with one another as it'd be a shame to lose 20 years of friendship over an argument that got out of hand in the heat of the moment.

If I went to a friendss house and before saying hello and how are you they snapped " got a new bag?" and then stormed off, I would be likely to not remove my coat and quietly leave. Already the evening is ruined.

The bag is a gift. It could have been a fake. It could have been borrowed. It could have been saved up for for years - and as there is generally a waiting list it probably has been- It doesn't matter really.

Of course she is unhappy, and struggling, and hosting a girls night in. This costs money too. Perhaps she was hoping you'd bring a bottle of wine or chocolates.

There's not much you can do, I think. Perhaps text her you're sorry you said such mean things and hope to have a chat with her soon to clear things up. Then call her next week. If she doesn't answer or doesn't call back, leave it.

Gorgeous bag!!

The financial divide is not of the ops making though ,why should she have to.I dont think she has lack of insight and empathy.I think friend A has shown her true colours and now the op has a choice.

And if the op brings her bag into work so what,thats no one elses business.

FGS no-one pays full price for Birkin handbags. It probably cost up to a thousand, if that. It was a gift from the OP's husband. Its irrelevant as the principle remains the same. What if he had bought her a necklace? Or a ring? Must she remove these and hind them for fear of making her friend jealous?

Yes, the friend sounds upset. Yes, her marriage has failed. But it sounds like she was spoiling for a fight and the OP has simply borne the brunt of it.

Jealousy is horrible to behold, especially in the form of unwarranted personal attacks. Sometimes there is really no excuse.

Once you start disguising yourself from your friends, they are no longer your friends.

I think some people have a different definition of "very good friend" to me. I find some of the attitudes on here deeply depressing.

D'you know what? speaking as someone who could by UK standards be described as quite poorly off/ very low income I would not behave the way friend A behaved towards OP. The fact that she previously laid in to her for buying a house (something also out of my reach at this point in time) shows that her attitudes been quite off in the past. I find the sanctimonious, self-righteous attitudes on here quite depressing.

Sometimes when circumstances change within relationships it brings to light not very nice character traits.
Now may be a time to re evaluate that friendship?

Maybe she will have a think about her feelings and reaction and have a change of heart, but it sounds like she has had resentment building for some time (keeping track of purchases).
I have been through truly shite times both with money and other circumstances, I did not ever resent friends for what they have or could have.

Nice bag by the way.

Not read it all but your lives have moved in different directions and the cement or common ground isn't sufficient to fill the breach. Move on because there won't be any going back.

I don't get the bag tbh. I worked in high powered places in my 20s/30s was high powered then but I would never have spent that much on a bag and felt safe using it on the street/tube, etc. I saw such a beautiful bag in Aspreys a Cpl of years ago that I googled and told myself actually I could persuade myself to part with maybe £600 or £700. It was £8500. I could spend that on a bag but I never would. It is ridiculous.

If people can afford things it is their prerogative to buy them but it doesn't make it sensible.

Is she really and truly "struggling to feed her kids" or was she saying it for effect?

I only ask because if it is actually true, to me it puts the whole thing in a different light, rather than her just being consumed by the green-eyed monster.

Stroke - you must know some really wealthy people then! Nobody I know would use a bag worth thousands for work. We're not talking a couple of hundred but £8,000 .... OP must work in a clean and lovely environment - not travelling/education/factory etc. if she is secure enough to take a very very expensive bag in.
OP I still think the exited behaviour between you and B caused As outburst. It was insensitive of you both as you are aware of how difficult things are for A. Unintentional but still insensitive.

Perhaps she just wants to find an indirect way to say your materialism is tiresome and she wants shot of you?

I'm sorry that you have been upset but it sounds as though the friendship has run its course.

Her "splashing" on my doesn't compare to the "splashing" I have done on her and her family since

How can you possibly compare the two unless she was earning the same income as you are now? The "splashing" on you could well have been a significantly higher percentage of her disposable income. (For clarity: disposable income = income after basics, not expensive upgraded versions of basics.)

YANBU to wear what you want, but it's not really about that is it?

You could just as well ask "AIBU to eat what I want?" - of course you are, but if you're eating a luscious banquet in front of a starving person it's grotesque.

I initially thought you had spent maybe a couple of hundred pounds on the bag, and thought you could have been more discreet (though friend wasn't very nice). The likely actual cost of the bag is blowing my mind. I suspect it is the same for your friend, if she is struggling financially (even if not tbh, even those I know who are comfortably off would be gobsmacked at spending that much on a bag!)

Something is very very wrong with the world if you can afford to spend more than a lot of people's annual income on a bag. That isn't your fault personally, but your friend who gets the rougher end of the collective bargain is understandably pissed off/frustrated/hurt. She doesn't sound like she's articulating it very well; and it may not be clear even in her own mind, but I bet the simmering effects of inequality are involved.

Even if you have made the "right choices" to end up with your income, it doesn't mean the payoff is remotely proportional. Could we all make the same "choices" as you or would society crumble without lower paid employees? What about those who don't have the same chances, or have a rough start in life that affects their achievement, or are just not very academic or clever? Do they really deserve so many, many thousands less in pay than you?

Your friend may well have been encourgaed to go straight to work after school; indeed this may have a lot to do with a strong work ethic rather than the more relaxed studenty thing (from a certain viewpoint, instilled by friends parents?) Even if she had gone to university, or whatever other "poor choices" you might be referring to - does that guarantee everything will be hunkydory? Not to mention poor choices are generally not apparent at the time or people wouldn't make those choices!

As for "working hard"; you choose to, your friend has to. You have the luxury of choosing a different work/life balance, in return for knocking a figure or two off your income and still being comfortably off. Your friend might be jealous, but my goodness it's justified.

Despite my massive soapbox rant (!), I think you basically sound like a nice person, I just think you're utterly unable to put yourself in your friend's shoes because you live a different world (financially) than most of the UK population! (Just like most of us can't put ourselves in the position of someone starving in a famine.)

Well, it's news to me that a bag can cost the same as a vintage car or custom bike but I don't see the moral difference assuming it's bought for pleasure.

I think you should apologise sincerely for what you said, even though she started it, but you may have to accept the differences between you are too great now.

I think you were mainly upset because she by implication de-valued your DH's gift to you as well as his morals and deservingness (if that's a word).

hearts no ofcourse she is able to feed her children. As I said, we wouldn't have it any other way.She was just trying to make a point about lack of money

Concept maybe the circumstance have changed but it's just so sudden I have been the higher earner between us for 10+ years.

element yours is the first that gas explained her point without attacking me personally. And this is what I think really riles me - why can you not explain you situation without vilifying me? Btw my comparison was in response to a PP who I thought was insinuating that I used my friend but didn't give back. Obviously I can give more now and so I do. Whilst I can't out my self in her shoes, I do sympathise hugely.

Yes, people do buy these bags and wear to them work. I work with these people

You turned up with a friggin' Birkin at your friend's (who is struggling to pay for her children) house?! Of course she would notice a Birkin! It's also not the kind of bag you walk out the door with, without thinking about it. You know when you are using your Birkin bag. You knew you were going to your friends after work, use a normal one!

It took you two pages into this thread to let everyone know what kind of bag it was. I think you were letting people sweat, which also makes me wonder whether you really did know what you were doing taking that bag to the house of a struggling woman. Especially a struggling woman who would covet designer bags if she could afford them.

You say its sudden, but when did the house thing happen? Also if the relationship split is recent that is a change in circumstances, its not just looking at yours.

Its shit to think of loosing a friendship especially after that time, but I personally would be waiting to see how she reacted (as its not the first time or out of the blue), to see if it was salvageable.

eight and half grand? on a bag??? holy fuck!!!! I refused to bid on a fossil keyper onebay because it started at twentyquid!

Op, you sound fab, my friends and i have diff income levels (i amd not on the better end of it sadly ) but I don't begrudge anyone what they earn...

Think your mate is struggling in her own life and stressing... sees your (holy mama..eight and a half grand) bag and is truky fuckedoff... but can't say reasonably what she feels so just launches at you

hey ho... you could bob round with couple of bottles of wine at weekend, hug and provide randon crappy film and laff about it. Hug at a push.

paul Perhaps you could read one of my several posts covering that to save me the time of repeating myself.

concept the split was almost 2 years ago but they have not divorced yet. The house thing happened 9 years ago but it was not this bad and was not even said to me.

joyce let's hope