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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD (13) to do this?

130 replies

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 09:29

We live in a small village where DD has grown up and knows most of the kids. They hang out together at the park, sports fields or each others' houses. However this year a lot of them are allowed to walk to the next village and DD is really put out because I won't let her.

Trouble is the way they go is a fairly quiet path well away from the main road - the road option wouldn't be great either as it's pretty busy and winding. It's not a particularly short walk and it just doesn't seem safe to me - they're a fair way from anywhere and can't be seen from the road. I'd maybe consider it if we were at home to be phoned in an emergency but they always want to go in the week when we're at work.

I was unsure enough about leaving DD at home this summer (not every day but a few each week) but it seems that most of her friends are home alone, can go where they want and don't even have to let their parents know - one of DD's friends was amazed that she has to text me regularly and let me know where she is and who she's with.

Am I being over protective or sensible in a) not wanting her to go to the other village and b) keeping some sort of contact with her when we're not around? I know she's growing up and I don't want to spoil her fun but I don't see why all rules have to go out of the window either!

OP posts:
Telladomi · 15/08/2015 12:53

Could you not get a mobile phone so you don't need to be at home to be contacted?

I'm with the others - so long as she's sensible and you have some conditions (not walking alone, not after dark etc) I can't really see the problem at 13.

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 12:53

It's understandable that you're a bit Hmm but still not right to make your dds independence about you and not her.

I always remember a mum talking on the radio about her son who was 10 and killed on his bike, she said she would still allow her dcs to go out on their bikes. We can't all live in bubbles of foam can we?

Goldmandra · 15/08/2015 13:23

You might feel happier if she went for the first time when you were at home but, again, that is about you and your feelings. It won't make a jot of difference to the risk to her which is, in fact, probably the same as the risk of staying at home.

You need to let her go the next time her friends are going then make sure you are well distracted so you don't sit and worry. In fact, while you are at work is probably the very best time for her to do it.

You need to think of this as your problem, not hers. You need to manage your anxiety by changing what you do, not by limiting what she can do.

My MIL was like this, without a good reason like having lost a sibling, and my DH became resentful of the pressure she put on him to manage her anxiety for her.

Please give your DD full permission and your blessing to go with her friends next time they go. Smile, tell her to have fun and keep all your reservations to yourself. I know this sounds harsh but your worries are your baggage. Don't make them hers too.

BeaufortBelle · 15/08/2015 13:26

And we will all hold your hand on here and tell you funny stories.

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 13:27

You'll be alright OP, you really will. My DD has a part time job as a poker dealer in a casino. Sometimes she's working till 4am, she drives fortunately but I lie in bed every night with a thumping headache just willing her to come home. I don't tell her though, it's my issue to deal with. She has to live her life.

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 13:30

In the old days we used to walk to and from school sometimes on our own, sometimes not. But hardly ever with our parents.

In the even older days dcs used to walk MILES to and from school EVERY DAY.

MrsReiver · 15/08/2015 13:58

I am sorry for what happened to your sister, that must have been horrific, and makes your anxieties all lot more understandable.

You need to let her do this though Flowers

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 14:30

Thank you all again, I knew I could rely on MN to talk some sense :).

OP posts:
getdownshep · 15/08/2015 15:08

In ten years she might be going to Australia on her own like my dd is.
I want to try and stop her but of course I keep it all hidden and am encouraging her with all her plans.
Little steps op, its hard not to wrap them in cotton wool.

BikketBikketBikket · 15/08/2015 16:57

OP it's a really difficult thing that you have to overcome. Our friend's DC died in an accident while on a school trip - two years later our DC went on a similar trip, and I can honestly say that it was the most frightening week of my life - but I managed to smile and be encouraging (and inwardly collapse in a small sobbing heap) as they all returned happy and smiling, having had a great time.
It's very hard, but you have to be there for your DD to enable her to develop into the sensible young adult that I'm sure that she will be. Flowers for you.

scarlets · 15/08/2015 17:39

I think it's great that she wants to go for a long walk, rather than sit in front of her Xbox.

I get anxious about this "independence" stuff too, and I don't have the sad experience of losing a sister to justify it. I understand why you worry, I empathise, but objectively I agree that it would be unfair on your daughter to forbid this activity.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 17:46

Oh dd2 is talking about being a holiday rep next year (on a campsite not magaluf Grin) actually got a bit twitchy at the thought of it but Australia id have kittens

madwomanbackintheattic · 15/08/2015 17:51

I am still lol at the first reply. I do live in the wilds of Canada and I do let my early teens walk in the woods with their friends to get into town. Grin they all know how to avoid human/ bear interaction (make noise) and what to do if they do come across a bear. And the route does take them through nice fat bear berry country (in the height of berry season we suggest they walk by the road...) There is bear spray in the house for when they decide to go off up the mountains, but I don't think they carry it when they are heading towards the town (even though they should).

I even let 15yo dd do the walk on her own. I do grit my teeth and cross my fingers.

So, um. I will accept the terrible mother of the day award. But sure, as long as she has a friend to walk with, no worries, really.

Findtheoldme · 15/08/2015 17:53

It always puzzles me why people consider changing their parenting choices on the basis of what someone else does.

scribblegirl · 15/08/2015 18:06

Op, you don't need more people wittering on. And I don't mean to scaremonger. But I had a friend - one of my closest - when I was a kid. Her mum was super chilled when we were younger. But when she hit her teen years her mum reacted exactly like yours. So we used to go without her. Felt awful, but really - we weren't going to not do what we wanted because one of the gang's mums wouldn't allow.

Her mum then came into school (year 9!) and kicked up a fuss that we were excluding her daughter. We pointed out, quite reasonably, that she was welcome to come along, but her mum wouldn't let her.

Fast forward to 26 and she's terrified of everything. She still lives at home and refuses to come into the nearest city for drinks because she doesn't know the area, she doesn't know the bar, she doesn't want to have to go home in the dark.

I feel terrible for her. I know her mum had a similar horrible experience when she was a kid to yours, but she's created a legacy of fear that's passed down to the next generation and I don't think that's fair.

You can't tell your child that the world is a horrid, dangerous and scary place and not have that affect them.

Let her go. And you have all my sympathy - but it's not meant to be easy for you. That's the point.

Liquoricetwirl · 15/08/2015 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scribblegirl · 15/08/2015 19:11

Sorry liquorice - I was sharing my experience whilst recognising that the op has already acknowledged that she takes on board the advice.

Don't really get the Hmm for that, but whatever.

getdownshep · 16/08/2015 16:21

mrsj I am having kittens but i was married with two dc at her age so I want her to enjoy her youthGrin
She's very sensible so please god everything will go fine.

Mrsjayy · 16/08/2015 16:28

She will be fine but Australia Shock tbh i admire folk with that sense of adventure

Babyroobs · 16/08/2015 18:42

I imagine she would be fine if walking with friends. My 14 year old ds has been going into town with his friends and walking some distance to mc Donalds etc for a couple of years now.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 16/08/2015 18:50

Well DH and I walked it this morning and while it is a fair way (good 45 min walk) and as deserted as I thought (didn't see anyone other than the odd runner or cyclist but to be fair it was a Sunday morning) I don't suppose, bearing in mind what's been said on the thread, that there is any real harm in DD going that way with a group of mates.

I've told her as much but must admit I chose my words carefully, if she thinks I will back down on every sticking point on being told that everyone else is allowed then my life will be hell for the next 5 years Grin.

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 16/08/2015 19:22

Good for you OP. I bet she's delighted :)

Goldmandra · 16/08/2015 21:33

I've told her as much but must admit I chose my words carefully, if she thinks I will back down on every sticking point on being told that everyone else is allowed then my life will be hell for the next 5 years

Oh my! I think your DD must be like my DD2. It think she should be a lawyer. I set precedents very cautiously because I know she will try to take full advantage looking like butter wouldn't melt as she does Smile

muminhants1 · 17/08/2015 08:43

I've read this thread with interest - I grew up with a reasonably overprotective mother but she let me go off on my bike when I was about 10 (though not all day, just for an hour or so, then I could go off again) and when I was about 13 I started going into town on the bus to meet friends (or my mum would take me and I'd get the bus back or vice versa). My 12 year old ds doesn't do any of that - he plays in our cul-de-sac with other kids in the road but there's a very busy road at the end of our road and so he goes no further. He does walk to and from school which is about 10 minutes away and sometime sneaks off to the shops in the opposite direction to get sweets not-on-the-way home from school.

Some kids are just more reckless than others. Not a lot is going to happen on an off-road path with a bunch of friends (except getting left on your own and then falling over/getting bitten by a dog/possibly attacked) but some kids (yes boys mainly) like to show off and I wonder how long it would be before my son ended up under a car if eg I said he could take himself to his swimming lessons on his bike (about 10 minutes away, half on an off-road cycle path but with the aforementioned busy road at the beginning). He does have his level 2 bikeability.

But you've given me food for thought.

ppeatfruit · 17/08/2015 15:29

muminhants Your ds could be in an accident in YOUR car you know!

Why do soo many parents think that it it's impossible that another driver might be drunk and or drugged, looking for the their handbag on the floor of their car, be smoking and on the their mobile, or just falling sleep.

Thousands of people are involved\killed in car accidents, more than any other accidents. It is so accepted isn't it?