To not want DD (13) to do this?

[CambridgeBlue]

We live in a small village where DD has grown up and knows most of the kids. They hang out together at the park, sports fields or each others' houses. However this year a lot of them are allowed to walk to the next village and DD is really put out because I won't let her.

Trouble is the way they go is a fairly quiet path well away from the main road - the road option wouldn't be great either as it's pretty busy and winding. It's not a particularly short walk and it just doesn't seem safe to me - they're a fair way from anywhere and can't be seen from the road. I'd maybe consider it if we were at home to be phoned in an emergency but they always want to go in the week when we're at work.

I was unsure enough about leaving DD at home this summer (not every day but a few each week) but it seems that most of her friends are home alone, can go where they want and don't even have to let their parents know - one of DD's friends was amazed that she has to text me regularly and let me know where she is and who she's with.

Am I being over protective or sensible in a) not wanting her to go to the other village and b) keeping some sort of contact with her when we're not around? I know she's growing up and I don't want to spoil her fun but I don't see why all rules have to go out of the window either!

[Goldmandra]

I wouldn't walk a quiet isolated path alonew myself

I feel quite cheated if I walk through the fields and come across someone else walking on 'my' path.

[BertrandRussell]

Ah. You obviously don't live in the country!

[MadamArcatiAgain]

I wouldn't walk a quiet isolated path alonew myself

[BertrandRussell]

Why wouldn't you let her walk it alone? What age do you think would be OK to go alone?

[MadamArcatiAgain]

I wouldn't let a 13 yo girl walk it alone.She must be with her friends.,If the path is cycleable then I think that is the better option.If she falls out with her friends (we knoew how fickle 13 yo girls are!!)and comes back alone I think she would be much safer on a bike.Also do you know what the mobile signal is like? We have no signal at all in our village :-(

[ppeatfruit]

muminhants Your ds could be in an accident in YOUR car you know!

Why do soo many parents think that it it's impossible that another driver might be drunk and or drugged, looking for the their handbag on the floor of their car, be smoking and on the their mobile, or just falling sleep.

Thousands of people are involved\killed in car accidents, more than any other accidents. It is so accepted isn't it?

[muminhants1]

I've read this thread with interest - I grew up with a reasonably overprotective mother but she let me go off on my bike when I was about 10 (though not all day, just for an hour or so, then I could go off again) and when I was about 13 I started going into town on the bus to meet friends (or my mum would take me and I'd get the bus back or vice versa). My 12 year old ds doesn't do any of that - he plays in our cul-de-sac with other kids in the road but there's a very busy road at the end of our road and so he goes no further. He does walk to and from school which is about 10 minutes away and sometime sneaks off to the shops in the opposite direction to get sweets not-on-the-way home from school.

Some kids are just more reckless than others. Not a lot is going to happen on an off-road path with a bunch of friends (except getting left on your own and then falling over/getting bitten by a dog/possibly attacked) but some kids (yes boys mainly) like to show off and I wonder how long it would be before my son ended up under a car if eg I said he could take himself to his swimming lessons on his bike (about 10 minutes away, half on an off-road cycle path but with the aforementioned busy road at the beginning). He does have his level 2 bikeability.

But you've given me food for thought.

[Goldmandra]

I've told her as much but must admit I chose my words carefully, if she thinks I will back down on every sticking point on being told that everyone else is allowed then my life will be hell for the next 5 years

Oh my! I think your DD must be like my DD2. It think she should be a lawyer. I set precedents very cautiously because I know she will try to take full advantage looking like butter wouldn't melt as she does

[ThomasRichard]

Good for you OP. I bet she's delighted :)

[CambridgeBlue]

Well DH and I walked it this morning and while it is a fair way (good 45 min walk) and as deserted as I thought (didn't see anyone other than the odd runner or cyclist but to be fair it was a Sunday morning) I don't suppose, bearing in mind what's been said on the thread, that there is any real harm in DD going that way with a group of mates.

I've told her as much but must admit I chose my words carefully, if she thinks I will back down on every sticking point on being told that everyone else is allowed then my life will be hell for the next 5 years .

[Babyroobs]

I imagine she would be fine if walking with friends. My 14 year old ds has been going into town with his friends and walking some distance to mc Donalds etc for a couple of years now.

[Mrsjayy]

She will be fine but Australia tbh i admire folk with that sense of adventure

[getdownshep]

mrsj I am having kittens but i was married with two dc at her age so I want her to enjoy her youth
She's very sensible so please god everything will go fine.

[scribblegirl]

Sorry liquorice - I was sharing my experience whilst recognising that the op has already acknowledged that she takes on board the advice.


Don't really get the for that, but whatever.

[scribblegirl]

Op, you don't need more people wittering on. And I don't mean to scaremonger. But I had a friend - one of my closest - when I was a kid. Her mum was super chilled when we were younger. But when she hit her teen years her mum reacted exactly like yours. So we used to go without her. Felt awful, but really - we weren't going to not do what we wanted because one of the gang's mums wouldn't allow.

Her mum then came into school (year 9!) and kicked up a fuss that we were excluding her daughter. We pointed out, quite reasonably, that she was welcome to come along, but her mum wouldn't let her.

Fast forward to 26 and she's terrified of everything. She still lives at home and refuses to come into the nearest city for drinks because she doesn't know the area, she doesn't know the bar, she doesn't want to have to go home in the dark.

I feel terrible for her. I know her mum had a similar horrible experience when she was a kid to yours, but she's created a legacy of fear that's passed down to the next generation and I don't think that's fair.

You can't tell your child that the world is a horrid, dangerous and scary place and not have that affect them.

Let her go. And you have all my sympathy - but it's not meant to be easy for you. That's the point.

[Findtheoldme]

It always puzzles me why people consider changing their parenting choices on the basis of what someone else does.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

I am still lol at the first reply. I do live in the wilds of Canada and I do let my early teens walk in the woods with their friends to get into town. they all know how to avoid human/ bear interaction (make noise) and what to do if they do come across a bear. And the route does take them through nice fat bear berry country (in the height of berry season we suggest they walk by the road...) There is bear spray in the house for when they decide to go off up the mountains, but I don't think they carry it when they are heading towards the town (even though they should).

I even let 15yo dd do the walk on her own. I do grit my teeth and cross my fingers.

So, um. I will accept the terrible mother of the day award. But sure, as long as she has a friend to walk with, no worries, really.

[Mrsjayy]

Oh dd2 is talking about being a holiday rep next year (on a campsite not magaluf ) actually got a bit twitchy at the thought of it but Australia id have kittens

[scarlets]

I think it's great that she wants to go for a long walk, rather than sit in front of her Xbox.

I get anxious about this "independence" stuff too, and I don't have the sad experience of losing a sister to justify it. I understand why you worry, I empathise, but objectively I agree that it would be unfair on your daughter to forbid this activity.

[BikketBikketBikket]

OP it's a really difficult thing that you have to overcome. Our friend's DC died in an accident while on a school trip - two years later our DC went on a similar trip, and I can honestly say that it was the most frightening week of my life - but I managed to smile and be encouraging (and inwardly collapse in a small sobbing heap) as they all returned happy and smiling, having had a great time.
It's very hard, but you have to be there for your DD to enable her to develop into the sensible young adult that I'm sure that she will be. for you.

[getdownshep]

In ten years she might be going to Australia on her own like my dd is.
I want to try and stop her but of course I keep it all hidden and am encouraging her with all her plans.
Little steps op, its hard not to wrap them in cotton wool.

[CambridgeBlue]

Thank you all again, I knew I could rely on MN to talk some sense :).

[MrsReiver]

I am sorry for what happened to your sister, that must have been horrific, and makes your anxieties all lot more understandable.

You need to let her do this though

[ppeatfruit]

In the old days we used to walk to and from school sometimes on our own, sometimes not. But hardly ever with our parents.

In the even older days dcs used to walk MILES to and from school EVERY DAY.