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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD (13) to do this?

130 replies

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 09:29

We live in a small village where DD has grown up and knows most of the kids. They hang out together at the park, sports fields or each others' houses. However this year a lot of them are allowed to walk to the next village and DD is really put out because I won't let her.

Trouble is the way they go is a fairly quiet path well away from the main road - the road option wouldn't be great either as it's pretty busy and winding. It's not a particularly short walk and it just doesn't seem safe to me - they're a fair way from anywhere and can't be seen from the road. I'd maybe consider it if we were at home to be phoned in an emergency but they always want to go in the week when we're at work.

I was unsure enough about leaving DD at home this summer (not every day but a few each week) but it seems that most of her friends are home alone, can go where they want and don't even have to let their parents know - one of DD's friends was amazed that she has to text me regularly and let me know where she is and who she's with.

Am I being over protective or sensible in a) not wanting her to go to the other village and b) keeping some sort of contact with her when we're not around? I know she's growing up and I don't want to spoil her fun but I don't see why all rules have to go out of the window either!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 11:11

Yy I sneaked about and lied through my teeth too I didnt want my dds growing up like that its not fair on them .

YeOldeTrout · 15/08/2015 11:12

just that it seems a long way with nobody else around

Just how far are we talking? How long does it take for you to walk it?

13yo DD is the only one of her mates allowed to go to the Little Bad City by herself. Yet her trip is so much wildly safer than what I did at her age.

and if anything awful did happen I'd never forgive myself.

Oh well, that's the pain of parenthood, We'd never let them out the door even at age 21 if that was our reasoning. Have to let them take risks to learn how to be safe, imho.

MrsReiver · 15/08/2015 11:20

The only time my mum bunked off school she was caught by her dad, on the roof of the school with a telescope He was the physics teacher setting up for astronomy club that evening!

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 11:22

Oh getting caught with a telescope

MrsReiver · 15/08/2015 11:25

I know, its my favourite story about mum & grandad.

The only time I skived off, I got caught in Somerfield by the home eccy teacher, I went straight home, told mum and had a good laugh about history repeating itself. Then she sent me to my room.

Berthatydfil · 15/08/2015 11:33

YABU let her go but with some very defined rules.
She only goes there with a minimum number of friends 2/3. She never ever goes on her own - if they split up or she ends up on her own in the next village she gets the bus or a taxi (make sure she has the ££ or the number of a taxi) or she calls you and goes to a shop/library etc to wait for you to collect her. She is back before a certain time and always before it gets dark. She text just to say where she is going rather than running updates,

Original poster

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 11:34

Thanks again for all the input, I do feel slightly like I've had a kicking but I really wanted rational opinions on this and I have had them :).

To answer a few questions, I haven't walked the route but have cycled it, it's about a 20 - 30 min ride so between 40 mins - an hour walk I guess. Also, I did try discussing this with DD's best friend's mum, she sounded unsure too but the next thing I knew she'd let her DD go, couldn't help feeling a bit miffed about that - if she'd told me they could have gone together the first time which I would have been happier with (I do know her DD is not my DD's guardian angel or whatever but I know her very well and they are sensible together).

I am really trying not to make this all about me but I think it's relevant that my own DM was pretty strict and I behaved much as other people have said - sneaked behind her back, didn't tell her things (still don't sometimes) - this is the last thing I want for my DD. The thing is though (and really sorry if this is drip feeding but it's not something I tend to talk about much), we lost my DSis in an accident when she was 8 - I assume this is why my DM was so overprotective, I know it seems obvious but I now wondering if it's why I'm doing the same. I'm not consciously equating it but maybe it would explain why my views are so out of sync with the majority of other parents.

I'm going to have a chat with DH and see about letting her go, the last thing I want is to stop her being independent or make he miss out on the fun.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 11:45

Oh im really sorry about your sister that must have been tough and probably why you were so over protected. Look if you really are unsure and tbf 40 mins to hour is quite far away say no or suggest they go on their bikes or dont go when you are at work. It is ok to give her boundries and say no or say yes but with conditions its fine for her to want freedom but there has to be responsibilities.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 11:48

"Thanks again for all the input, I do feel slightly like I've had a kicking"

Yeah, well, telling people who give their teenagers a perfectly reasonable amount of freedom that they "don't give a damn" can make that happen...........

CJCreggsmyhero · 15/08/2015 11:48

I'm sorry for your loss

The question if ask yourself is - if your DD was a DS would you let them go?

Suzy Lamplugh trust has some exceptional advice about how to keep safe. Empower & enable your daughter x

rainbowunicorn · 15/08/2015 11:53

That is really not a long walk then. My DS1 14 regularly walks that distance home from school and in to town sometimes alone other times with friends. About a third of the route is on the main road the rest being rural lanes. He has been doing this since he was 12.
Although it is understandable that you have some reservations having lost a family member as a child you have to put it into persective. I have a friend who's daughter died of an asthma attack at home. I have another who's son was badly burned after tripping in the kitchen and knocking a hot pot on himself.
What I am trying to say OP is that bad stuff can happen anywhere you have to put that out of your mind and allow your daughter to spread her wings otherwise she will end up resenting you and doing stuff behind your back.

auntpetunia · 15/08/2015 11:54

I know you've given rational explanations about why your nervous, but you are being v v unreasonable, she's 13, my dd is nearly 13 and is allowed to go into the city centre shopping with friends, it's 20 mins on the train, I insist on knowing who she's going with but other than that she's free to go, she always texts if their plans change and I will sometimes text to see if she's having fun, but you can't micromange their lives, if you stop her she'll go and won't tell you and that will cause friction between you.

Other parents do give a damn, they are just more accepting that at 13, so nearly year 9, your child is growing up and should be given some freedom and responsibility for their own well being.

cardibach · 15/08/2015 11:56

I (like all parents I'm sure) have wrestled with these issues and the 'what if it goes wrong?' worries. I have found it useful to remind myself that everything has a risk. For example, what if you refuse permission to keep your DD safe then she has an accident at home (alone because all her friends are off in the next village)? This sounds a bit obsessive, but it works! It helps me to think about the actual risk involved. We live near the sea, and DD (19 now) has been walking to the beach with her fiends (not a long walk, but obviously beaches have risks) since she was. A bit younger than your DD. this summer she went to Thailand alone - that was scary, but I was already fairly confident of her ability to risk assess for her self and to call for help if she needed it because her journey to independence has been gradual and natural.

rainbowunicorn · 15/08/2015 11:58

Bold:"Look if you really are unsure and tbf 40 mins to hour is quite far away say no or suggest they go on their bikes or dont go when you are at work."

How does not going while the OP is at work make it any less risky?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2015 11:58

Just because some parents are more relaxed than you, it doesn't mean they don't give a damn for goodness sakes.

Editorswife · 15/08/2015 12:01

I think you're being a little bit overprotective, I'm sure if she stays with her friends and keeps in touch with you about where she is then it will be fine. Letting them have freedom is hard but really important.

chaiselounger · 15/08/2015 12:04

If OP acknowledges she is overprotective and then tries to ease up, then that would be ok.

chaiselounger · 15/08/2015 12:05

You go seem completely out of touch. I suspect there are some more serious issues here, that you really ought to address.

tobysmum77 · 15/08/2015 12:10

The op has apologised for the not giving a damn comment and is reassessing her position you can stop kicking her now!

Good luck op, make sure you have something nice to take your mind off the first time !

TheCunnyFunt · 15/08/2015 12:17

Yabu but having read your later posts about how you were brought up, I can understand why you have a skewed view of what is considered a normal and healthy part of growing up. From age 13 I was allowed to walk to the train station in our town, cross quite a few big main roads to get there and then get a train to our nearest city half an hours ride away (Lincoln, so not huge, plus I went there all the time with my grandma so I know the place like the back of my hand) and go shopping on my own. It makes me chuckle actually, my mum let me do all that but she refused to let me stay at home on my own if she ever went out. I was 15-16 by the time I managed to persuade her that I'd be fine

BubblyChocolate · 15/08/2015 12:25

OP YABU but I totally understand where you are coming from.

My DC are a few years younger than your DD but I'm dreading the day they ask to do things like this.

When I was a child (a bit younger than your DD) I had a horrendous accident that nearly cost me my life. It happened just outside my friends garden, so it wasn't as if we were out and about on our own, miles from home. I think it's skewed my feelings towards our DC gaining independence. Although I have to remind myself that what happened to me was a complete freak accident, and I must not let it affect the way I parent my DC.

I'm stil working on that though.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 12:25

I dont think her not going while the op is at work is safer Im just trying to help cambridge work through it so she and her dd are more comfortable with it. personally I would have no real concern about my 13yrold going but the op is struggiling with it.

Original poster

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 12:32

I would feel happier if she went the first time while I was here so I get what you are saying Mrsjayy.

OP posts:

BrockAuLit · 15/08/2015 12:37

I have a 28 yo SIL who was brought up rurally by parents who treated her with the sort of over-protectiveness you are demonstrating. It has ruined her.

Obviously the jobs are in the city, there's nothing for young adults rurally any more. But she can't cope with the city. She is overwhelmed in town just walking down the street, can't handle the tube, and has the most ridiculous commute (think 1.5hrs instead of 40mins each way) because it's quieter. She sees danger absolutely everywhere - it's suffocating her. And, the horrible truth is that this is all making her a sitting duck. You could knock her over with a feather, and it shows in the way she walks, clutches her bag, makes no eye contact with anyone ..... she's a prime target.

You can also imagine how she basically has no social life, and forget dating.

It's your responsibility and duty to teach your DD how to cope in the world. Keeping her indoors is doing the very opposite of that.

Liquoricetwirl · 15/08/2015 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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