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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD (13) to do this?

130 replies

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 09:29

We live in a small village where DD has grown up and knows most of the kids. They hang out together at the park, sports fields or each others' houses. However this year a lot of them are allowed to walk to the next village and DD is really put out because I won't let her.

Trouble is the way they go is a fairly quiet path well away from the main road - the road option wouldn't be great either as it's pretty busy and winding. It's not a particularly short walk and it just doesn't seem safe to me - they're a fair way from anywhere and can't be seen from the road. I'd maybe consider it if we were at home to be phoned in an emergency but they always want to go in the week when we're at work.

I was unsure enough about leaving DD at home this summer (not every day but a few each week) but it seems that most of her friends are home alone, can go where they want and don't even have to let their parents know - one of DD's friends was amazed that she has to text me regularly and let me know where she is and who she's with.

Am I being over protective or sensible in a) not wanting her to go to the other village and b) keeping some sort of contact with her when we're not around? I know she's growing up and I don't want to spoil her fun but I don't see why all rules have to go out of the window either!

OP posts:
Velociraptor · 15/08/2015 10:31

Maybe if you find it hard to work out what is appropriate, looking at what everyone else is doing is a good place to start. I'm assuming here that your DD's friends are good kids, from caring families?

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2015 10:32

Seriously, what could happen walking to the next village? A mad axeman might jump out and attack them?

YABU, OP.

purplepandas · 15/08/2015 10:34

Cambridgeblue, I am sorry to hear that you were personally involved in the Soham events. I can't imagine how hard that must have been (and still is). Parenting is do hard at the best of times but unbearably so in such a situation.

purplepandas · 15/08/2015 10:36

Sorry, that was meant for hellhathnofury. Stupid phone. Apols to both.

usualsuspect333 · 15/08/2015 10:36

If most of the local 13 year olds are allowed in walk to the next village then I would say it's a perfectly normal thing to let them do.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:37

Honestly it is fine to let her go out with her friends every parent has to start somewhere with this and this is your personal starting point you are not being forced into making a decision you are starting to parent a teenager. If you dont want her to go then dont let her tell her she cant go because of x y or z. My dds group of pals had different rules and some were allowed to do stuff some not.

Goldmandra · 15/08/2015 10:38

if anything awful did happen I'd never forgive myself.

This shouldn't be about you protecting yourself. It should be about you carrying out a rational risk assessment.

If your DD is going to be with friends, there will be someone around; her friends.

She will have her phone too.

Think logically. What is she at risk of on a path in a field? Do the risks really outweigh the benefits?

Letting her go but expecting her to text when she leaves and when she arrives is a bit overprotective but I understand why you want that to happen. I still feel a rush of relief when my DD (18) texts me to let me know she's arrived somewhere.

You need to clearly separate your needs from hers. Your posts so far seem to be more about you than her. She's the one doing the walking, not you.

Nobody is suggesting you should be allowing your DD to go because everyone else is. We're saying let her do it because it is an age appropriate step towards independence, the risks are minimal (with friends, daytime, known route), the benefits are significant (friendships, fun, learning to be independent in small steps) and what's stopping you is your needs, not hers.

Let her go.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 15/08/2015 10:39

I grew up in a village, we used to go out on our bikes and not be back until the time I was told, 8pm. I think you're being a bit unreasonable, why does she constantly need to text you?

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 10:41

Good post Goldmandra. A lot of parents fall into the trap of making it "all about them", assuaging your worry by restricting your DD's activities is not being a good parent.

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 10:42

Worrying is part of being a parent, we all just have to suck that one up I'm afraid.

ShuShuFontana · 15/08/2015 10:42

look, set out a few ground rules, stop controlling her life, and set her off on the course to being a competent adult, otherwise you will end up ferrying her about at 25 cos she is too worried to get on the bus.

Also as far as the "everyone else is allowed" ...well, at this age, as you are realising, it is true for daundering about, meeting chums, having a social life.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:43

You never stop worrying my adult dd has just text to say she has arrived in spain and got her transfer bus I woke up at 6am with a sweat on because that was her take off time Blush

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 10:47

Also the journey to and from school in a car or bus whatever, being in school (sometimes playing hooky from school) none of it is without risk.

FGS life itself is a risky thing.

You have to take a step back and rationalise your fears.

TenForward82 · 15/08/2015 10:47

My mum didn't let me do anything, and if I was 5 mins late home I got a screaming lecture (this was way before mobile phones, by the way). If you don't give her some (sensible) freedom, she'll grow up resenting you.

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 10:49

Sad TenForward82

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:50

The 1 and only time I bunked off school i sprained my ankle Shock we had to wait till 4 so i could hobble home made up a story about a hole in the pavement

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 10:51

So far this seems to be a unanimous YABU OP. I've made a few contributions to the thread, i really hope you don't feel as though you've had a kicking but I honestly think you've had a lot of good advice and input from the MN jury. Let your DD be herself, she needs to make her own way in the world. A bigger worry to me would be having a 20 year old terrified of her own shadow with a Mum that encouraged a complete lack of independence which is possibly where you're headed unless you loosen the cord now.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 10:52

Maybe cambridge didnt need to read that story Grin

usualsuspect333 · 15/08/2015 10:55

Grin at mrsjayy.

I think we all did daft things like that, it's part of growing up

Rainicorn · 15/08/2015 10:58

I agree with other posters. Set a few ground rules, as long as she doesn't do it alone, takes her phone etc.

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 10:59

MrsJayy I used to copy my mum's writing and gave a letter to my teacher about the 'Every wed. afternoon dental treatment' I was getting.

My mate and I went into town on those afternoons, only one afternoon coming back on the tube , my mum was returning from work early and we met her Blush Blush. I don't remember what she said Grin

32percentcharged · 15/08/2015 11:01

Totally agree with goldmandra.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of making if all about ourselves... Imagining all kinds of irrational things happening, and then imagining how we would feel as the parent.
Try to take a step back and think about it from her perspective. She'll be outside in the fresh air, with friends and socialising face to face. Imo that's far more emotionally and physically healthy than being cooped up at home with just the internet for company.
As a parent of now grown up children, I can also assure you that the best way for young people to stay safe is being given opportunities where they learn to be independent and resilient. If you smother them then you are denying them those experiences.
The best way is a gradual progression towards independence. A couple of my children's peers were ridiculously over protected: eg not being allowed to stay out late or go to festivals with friends at age 16/17, and then it was a massive shock for the parents when those kids turned 18 and could do whatever they liked, go anywhere with anyone and didn't have to tell their parents anything!

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 11:04

Oh @ getting caught. I agree teenagers do silly daft things its part of growing up

murmuration · 15/08/2015 11:04

Be careful, OP. My parents were like this (although it was before texting, so it was find a phone and call). I was barely allowed to do anything my peers did (actually, that is more like allowed to nothing my peers did, other than go to school and come home). I learned to tell them as little as possible about my life and to sneak around. And I was very good at it -- as far as I can tell, they never twigged to anything. I'm in my 40s now and I still hide most things from them because they can't handle any tiny thing going wrong for me. It's exhausting from my point of view, and sad, as I see people who can have grown-up conversations with their parents and that is just not available to me.

I imagine you would like, in 10 years or so, to be able to have an adult relationship with your daughter. To assist that, you need to allow her freedom to grow independent, and in such a way she knows you support it.

32percentcharged · 15/08/2015 11:08

Murmuration- agree. It's a huge burden to put on a child that they have to 'protect' their own parents by having serious restrictions on their lives.

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