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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD (13) to do this?

130 replies

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 09:29

We live in a small village where DD has grown up and knows most of the kids. They hang out together at the park, sports fields or each others' houses. However this year a lot of them are allowed to walk to the next village and DD is really put out because I won't let her.

Trouble is the way they go is a fairly quiet path well away from the main road - the road option wouldn't be great either as it's pretty busy and winding. It's not a particularly short walk and it just doesn't seem safe to me - they're a fair way from anywhere and can't be seen from the road. I'd maybe consider it if we were at home to be phoned in an emergency but they always want to go in the week when we're at work.

I was unsure enough about leaving DD at home this summer (not every day but a few each week) but it seems that most of her friends are home alone, can go where they want and don't even have to let their parents know - one of DD's friends was amazed that she has to text me regularly and let me know where she is and who she's with.

Am I being over protective or sensible in a) not wanting her to go to the other village and b) keeping some sort of contact with her when we're not around? I know she's growing up and I don't want to spoil her fun but I don't see why all rules have to go out of the window either!

OP posts:
laffymeal · 15/08/2015 09:55

I think it's a bit concerning that you equate allowing your DCs to go out with their friends and build up confidence and life skills with "not giving a damn". That's a seriously skewed view of parenting. I love my DCs with every fibre of my being, they take up virtually all my headspace, but they are people in their own right and not an extension of me.

You need to rethink this and stop believing you're somehow the better parent for helicoptering over your DD 24/7. In the long run you are doing her no favours at all and I resent the implication that the rest of us are somehow negligent for thinking differently.

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 09:56

Cross posted with Penelope

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 09:57

13 is a normal age to be going into town/next village most 13 year olds are allowed to do this kind of thing

CaptainHolt · 15/08/2015 09:57

because other parents don't seem to give a damn

Get hold of yourself. They a teenagers walking on a path, not 5 year olds left on the mean streets at 2am.

BeaufortBelle · 15/08/2015 10:00

I've got mixed feelings. I was brought up rural and was pretty much out dawn to dusk from about 10 - often miles away from home, around beaches, cliffs, in fields, on haystacks, (with permission - ours or those on friends' farms), on bicycles, etc.. Actually dusk is an overstatement, I was always home by about 5/6ish but if I hadn't my family would have known who I was likely to be with and who to call (no mobiles then).

However, my own children are urban and the sort of children who hang about in parks, etc., aren't their friends and so they have never done that. Their lives have been much more structured but that's not to say that from the age of about 12 they weren't navigating the London tube network on their own. DD once took herself to Piccadilly to go to Waterstones and the Japanese Centre when she was 12 and bored at home and the first I knew was when I got home from work and questioned the Fortnums bag in the hall (sweets).

I think if your dd knows the ground rules and if she keeps in touch and you know her friends and where they are from then it's fine. I understand your misgivings though.

mrsdavidbowie · 15/08/2015 10:00

Good post laffy
Op would think I was positively neglectful on that basis. But I have 2 confident independent young people who don't rely on me.

pilates · 15/08/2015 10:01

Yes I think I would on the understanding they all stick together and no-one is left on their own. My only concern would be if one of them has an argument and left to walk alone. You know your DD's friends are they sensible and trustworthy?

DarkHeart · 15/08/2015 10:01

Agree with Laffy and my ds is 13

outtolunchagain · 15/08/2015 10:02

Your job as a parent is to bring them up to be independent not just to keep them away from all risk . Your DD needs to learn to manage risk , develop her social skills , etc etc , walking to the next village with friends seems entirely appropriate at this age . I would however make it a condition that she always walks with friends and never alone .

patterkiller · 15/08/2015 10:05

If I'm honest I really hate being forced into making decisions like this just because other parents don't seem to give a damn.
^^ how to offend the majority of sensible rational parents.

MrsReiver · 15/08/2015 10:06

If I'm honest I really hate being forced into making decisions like this just because other parents don't seem to give a damn.

See now you've lost any sympathy I had for you having to make this difficult decision.

As I said before, this summer my DS has been given a lot more freedom - he goes swimming with his mates, walks to and from a youth club in a different part of town and takes his BMX to a track which he even has to cross the road to get to Shock

I let him do all this not because I don't give a damn, but because I love him, appreciate he is growing up and want him to learn to handle sone responsibility.

Exactly how long is this walk to the next village? All you've said is it's a "long way" or a "fair way" which to me, mean totally different things!

FernGullysWoollyPully · 15/08/2015 10:06

Yanbu for being apprehensive. We all worry about the safety of our children whatever age.

Yabu to let your worries stop her doing something that is normal and part of the process of growing up. She's with friends, you can get in touch with her, having a bit of independence and responsibility won't hurt her. That is you not letting go.

From my own childhood, I was allowed to go into town at this age. And was out most of the time with my friends at parks and playing fields half an hours walk or so away from home. But i knew not to take the biscuit. It's about ground rules and trust. You need to give a bit for her to prove she can do it. That's how responsibility extends.

Yab utterly flipping ridiculous to criticise other parents who 'dont seem to give a damn' because you can't get over your own inhibitions and somehow think it makes you superior.

rainbowunicorn · 15/08/2015 10:09

Op your comment about other parents not giving a damn how did you reach this conclusion? Is it because they allow their children the freedom to grow and develop into confident mature adults?
I really do not see why you are so against this, they are teenagers, walking along a country path in a quiet area. My own children are lucky enough to live in a rural location where they have the freedom to go out and explore through fields, coastal paths, wooded areas etc. My youngest is 10 and often walks the 2 miles to the nearest village with friends along an off road dirt track.

Amummyatlast · 15/08/2015 10:09

At 13 I used to get the bus into the city centre, sometimes with a friend and sometimes alone, and go swimming, shopping or to the cinema. A country walk sounds very tame in comparison.

Happytuesdays99 · 15/08/2015 10:11

When I was a kid it was a case of tea will be ready for 5.30, make sure you are back and that would be from the age of about 10. No mobile phone, no contact. Some days I was out from 9 until 5.30. I always came back. At 13 she is easily old
Enough for this and YABU

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/08/2015 10:12

because other parents don't seem to give a damn

I did give a damn.

My children are now 23 and 25. In August 2002 two classmates of DS's and a good friend of DD's were murdered in Soham. Maxine Carr was my son's classroom assistant, my daughter knew Ian Huntley and liked him. I most certainly gave a damn about what happened to Holly, Jess and their families. I most certainly was scared to let my children out of my sight but what would that have achieved?

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 10:16

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be offensive, just posted in the heat of the moment. I definitely don't think I'm a superior parent as I clearly don't have a clue what's appropriate! I mean that genuinely, not in a martyrish way, DD is an only and my own Mum was quite over protective so I do find it hard to know where to set the boundaries and I hate feeling pushed into making decisions because 'everyone else is'.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 10:18

"If I'm honest I really hate being forced into making decisions like this just because other parents don't seem to give a damn."

Bloody hell, that's an offensive thing to say!

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 10:22

I don't understand why you feel "pushed into making decisions", for the most part these situations come naturally as your DCs grow up. There will be obvious things you will not agree to, i.e. anything that is illegal or downright stupid but a normal day out with mates is not a "decision", it's just a progression.

ThomasRichard · 15/08/2015 10:26

OP if you find it difficult to know where to set boundaries, is there a parent of one of your DD's friends you could discuss things like this with? Making plans together for the next step, that sort of thing?

How about keeping a log of the things you do for the next couple of weeks, then working backwards from there to work out when and how your DD will learn to do these things by herself over the next 3-5 years?

FernGullysWoollyPully · 15/08/2015 10:26

There will be obvious things you will not agree to, i.e. anything that is illegal or downright stupid but a normal day out with mates is not a "decision", it's just a progression.

All of this Op. You need to take a deep breath and back off on this. Show her that you trust her enough to do this.

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 10:27

YABVVU I agree with the other posters. You'll end up with her running away if you go on treating her like an 8 yr old . I had soo much freedom at that age and so did my dcs. Nothing terrible happened and even if it had you can't keep them locked up forever.

ppeatfruit · 15/08/2015 10:28

Bad things can happen at home too you know.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2015 10:29

If she's capable of being left at home on her own for a few days every week then she's capable of going out for a walk with friends.

In a way, that's the safer option.

Charis1 · 15/08/2015 10:30

you haven't told us how far it is.