Tube priority seat drama

[SniffsAndSneezes]

This will be a bit long winded I'm afraid (sorry) but I'll begin at the beginning... this afternoon after work I went and gave blood. I used to be regular donor but had to stop as I kept having delayed faint reactions, where you're fine immediately after donating but get dizzy and/or pass out anything up to (in my case) an hour later. So I waited a few years and was recently told I could have another try. So today I did.
Anyway, I got on the tube to go home afterwards (central line, about 6 pm which most Londoners will know is generally like a furnace) and I managed to get a seat when I got on (it happened to be a priority seat, I didn't pick that one by design)- which was just as well as I'd started seeing spots and my ears were ringing, which is usually a good sign that I'm going to faint. Knowing what was happening and what do I was leaning forward with my head propped on my hands, taking deep breaths and sips of water- not making a scene or anything but to the casual observer I probably didn't look the picture of health.
It's at this point that I get a tap on my shoulder and look up, and a woman with a not particularly large bump, baby on board badge and unimpressed look on her face, glares at me and says 'can I sit there please.' Yes, she said please but the manner in which she said it was still quite sharp and rude. I apologised and said that I really did need to sit and would she mind asking someone else? She then proceeded to very loudly berate me for not moving- this is a priority seat, you are supposed to give it up for pregnant women or disabled people, clearly I am neither so why won't I stand for her?? I explained that I'd just given blood, I wasn't feeling well and I was fairly sure that if I had to stand I'd either vomit or pass out much as I wanted to just tell her it was none of her fucking business. It was only then that the man sitting opposite me (also in a priority seat) stood up to let Angry Pregnant Woman sit down. Nobody else had offered, despite her outburst attracting plenty of attention.

AIBU to think that I shouldn't have to disclose my reason for needing a tube seat to any random stranger, pregnant or otherwise?? There a plenty of disabilities that aren't necessarily outwardly obvious, and while people are encouraged to stand for pregnant women on public transport, they are not actually obliged to do so and shouldn't have to explain themselves or put up with that kind of crap when they don't or can't?

ThreeBeanRap

oh yes - exactly what you said. at the end of the day its all i can do to drag myself to the station to get on the tube.

I am sick of the "you're not ill you are just pregnant" crap. Its a major change to your body and i would say that in my social circle, its been far more the case that women have a tough time being pregnant rather than breezing through.

I've got f*cking terrible back pain. I cant stand for long without being in excruciating pain. `i rarely ask, but am lucky that the BoB badge means that a lot of people offer - mainly women though!

OP - good on you for giving blood. Thank you. x

YANBU, she was rude and entitled.

However are you sure you're well enough to give blood? Especially if you have to get on hot overcrowded tube afterwards? In future could you arrange to do it where you don't have hot tube ride after?

Oh yes. Well done on giving blood.

I don't mean to change the subject but should the blood place have not kept you there until you felt well enough to leave.

But that's the point boosie. You may have backache. Not every pregnant woman has backache bad enough it automatically excedes anybody else. At 39 weeks I was better able to stand than eg my friend who was exhausted with a colicky baby, someone with severe anaemia etc. And in turn your backache and exhaustion is unlikely to be more of a priority than my neighbours hidden but 24/7 excruciating hidden disability. Yet even now in a cast I'd stand for An able bodied person who looked tired, let alone someone ill or pregnant. It just comes down to normal courtesy on a case by case basis, not pregnancy in itself always being top priority.

Threebeans I lived in London for 8 years. Well aware of the how unpleasant the tube is. I am an inveterate seat-giver-upper as it happens. Still find the BOB weird and unnecessary. However I accept anyone's right to wear one.

YANBU - I used to have to get the Tube to and from my chemo appointments and as with the OP a lady tapped me (rude) and said didn't I know these seats were for PREGNANT LADIES and I had to MOVE. All the men in priority seats obviously raised their newspapers another few inches...

Polite apology didn't work so in the end I flashed her my Hickman line and pump which she said was "disgusting" but at least seemed to accept that I was not moving and stomped off to berate someone else.

I am all in favour of badges, but a little manners never go amiss either

I love BoB badges, and wish they'd existed when I was preg. I was more ill at 2 months, when it didn't show, then I was when I was the size of a house (and I was plenty ill then, too). And I like it when other women wear them as if I'm feeling Ok to stand I don't have the "fat or preg?" dilemma to think about.

OP, YANBU. She was well within her rights to ask for a seat, but as soon as you said "sorry, I need to stay sitting" she should have moved on and asked someone else. I hope you are feeling better.

BringMeTea what do you think is weird and unnecessary about them? They serve a clear purpose, to eliminate any confusion about whether someone is pregnant or not, and therefore might like to be offered a seat, and to help pregnant women who finding it difficult to ask for a seat to get one without too much hassle. It's lovely that you give up your seat but a huge huge number of people don't, and the badges help with that.

lurked I don't think anyone is suggesting pregnancy outranks other people who might also need a seat, I wish there was enough room for everyone who is tired or feeling shit to sit down, but there isn't. And if a bonus of being pregnant is that you get a chance at seats when you need one then what's the problem with that? I actually offered for a very elderly man yesterday as I was sitting next to his wife and no-one else had got up for him to sit down although he looked wobbly and had several bags. When I offered my seat someone across the aisle actually got up and let him sit down so I didn't need to give mine up, but I am all for the person in greatest need being able to sit down. BOB badges just help identify some of the people who MAY need to be considered.

Thanks for the responses everyone . I felt a lot better after about 10 minutes and I'd been feeling fit as a fiddle when I left the donor centre- I stayed half an hour after my appointment for the requisite tea and biscuits!

I told my friend the story and she sent me this article (warning, it is a Daily Mail article!) which I found quite illuminating as to some women's attitudes.

And Mardyoldbitch you got the tube after chemo?! You must be made of strong stuff!

YANBU, I have been pregnant twice and never expected a seat either time (although was offered a few and accepted, I think its different!) its the chance you take getting public transport, you might not find a seat!

YANBU. No excuse for her being rude. I gave up my seat on the tube recently for an elderly lady who had got on with a young man (her son?), at the next stop the seat next to her came free so he hopped in it and left me standing.

I think I need a "Baby not on Board" badge. I'm a bit a lot overweight and have been offered seats twice in the past month, I think because they thought I was pregnant!

Mind you, I commute on a route where, when actually pregnant, some kind soul sprinted down the carriage calling "there's a seat up here, there's a seat up here". I think he may have been trying to impress a new girlfriend

It's great to hear about so many fit and well pregnant women who were able to stand during cramped and hot and long journeys, but I for one used to start feeling light headed within minutes, and had crippling SPD that made it really painful when it came to coping with the frequent bumping and lurching and braking of the carriage. My centre of gravity was so off, it was a constant battle to stay upright.

What threebeanrap said.

Those who are being snidey about BoB badges have clearly never been physically shoved on AND OFF a heaving, hot tube during rush hour whilst pregnant. It's a harmless badge which, in the grand scheme of things that happen on the tube each day, is utterly inoffensive.

Those moaning about these little badges, in a lot of cases they prevent pregnant ladies being taken ill on trains as they allow them to sit down. Fainting / vomiting and other things are usually the 'passenger incident' announcement that screws up a tube line almost daily. So this badge which annoys you so may actually prevent delays to journeys and make your day that little bit easier

Before being preg I used to think they looked a bit silly but were ultimately a good thing/harmless but I probably wouldn't ever (dare) to wear 1. Feeling constantly nauseous standing on a rammed train for 20 mins, as well as being shoved/elbowed soon changed my mind and I wore one. Its not just because the pregnant woman might be feeling ill/faint/nauseous but the potential threat of 100s of commuters coming at you from all angles, shoving, pushing, elbowing- anything that helps you stand out and people not barge into you for the sake of your baby is a good thing.

To echo everyone, OP YADNBU and big respect for giving blood despite knowing how awful you feel after it- and then braving rush hr tube

YANBU about this woman, who was rude and confrontational.

But, god, it's depressing to see some of the sniping here about BoB badges; basically shaming anyone who wears one, since they're 'cringeworthy', 'unnecessary' and a sign of early-onset performance parenting. I can't believe so many women have internalised the male outlook of constantly minimizing the effects pregnancy can have. JESUS WOMAN, STOP MAKING SUCH A FUSS, YOU'RE ONLY PREGNANT.

Great, if you had uncomplicated pregnancies and didn't need to sit, or if you only commuted with the amazing psychic people who could correctly identifly a pregnant woman in a crowded carriage, plus were happy to offer a seat, if you needed it. But you don't need to make other women feel like wimps or opportunists or look-at-me-I'm-the-first-pregnant-person-ever types for wearing one.

Maybe TFL should make an alternative 'I'm pregnant, but far too awesome to make a fuss about it' badge, so we could clearly identify who is totally cool and feels irritated to be offered help, as opposed to all those other lazy pregnant cows with their imaginary lady problems.

I need to sit down on public transport, not doing so can have a knock on affect to the rest of the day my disability is completely invisible (MS) I've been told by people pointedly 'these seats are for the disabled' I find a steely look and a 'Yes, I am aware of that' occasionally some moron will say 'but you dont look disabled' I find a good response is 'no, and you don't look like a doctor' not had anyone tell me they are yet seems to both shut them up and educate them at the same time.

Sorry, despite all the earnest tales of pregnant women with nausea, dizziness and bad backs, I do not believe the majority of pregnant women have any need for a seat over anyone else. Loads of people travel by tube when they are not feeling their best. Loads of people have sore backs, sore legs, dodgy tummies, migraines, hangovers, general exhaustion from being at work all day.

If your pregnancy is so bad you can't stand up for a few minutes on a tube, you need to be signed off work by a doctor.

That said. If I saw someone with a bump I would offer my seat - just to be nice - not because I felt compelled or because I thought she needed it more than me. I probably am more knackered than a pregnant first-timer who can spend her evenings lying on the sofa being waited on by her husband and sleep all night through without being woken up by fractious toddlers!!!!

If your pregnancy is so bad you can't stand up for a few minutes on a tube, you need to be signed off work by a doctor.

Are you for real? First of all, it's not just "a few minutes", is it? And why should "needing to sit down" = "not fit to work"? Are you one of those people who think that people with disabilities shouldn't be taking up able-bodied people's jobs?

It's nice if you had effortless pregnancies, but not everyone is so lucky.

I wear my BOB badge. I'm only 10 weeks but I still wear it because I'm constantly feeling sick and dizzy. My sister always said she felt way more in need of a seat at 6 weeks pregnant than at 6 months. Size of bump is not relative to whether or not someone deserves a seat IMO. In my case if I didn't wear it I would not get offered a seat because I don't look obviously pregnant yet.

But YWNBU OP, what a rude woman!

Unfortunately while there are undoubtedly people whose pregnancy has severe side effects, illness etc, this new culture of a minority who loudly declare their (usually first) pregnancy as a disability purely on the basis of being pregnant and the usual mild symptoms that go with it, are spoiling it for those who actually are having a more difficult time than most. If you spend all day listening to colleagues etc moaning about the difficulty of their very normal and easy pregnancy, when someone with actual difficulties mentions them, the average person is more likely to think ffs here we go again, than to offer sympathy.

I probably am more knackered than a pregnant first-timer who can spend her evenings lying on the sofa being waited on by her husband and sleep all night through without being woken up by fractious toddlers!!!!

Goodness, but someone's bitter.

OP you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Hufty you're just being absurd. Most people aren't in the tube/train for a few minutes. They may have all sorts of pregnancy symptoms that either wear off over the course if a day (morning sickness for example) or SPD that makes standing uncomfortable but sitting at a desk working manageable.