Tube priority seat drama

[SniffsAndSneezes]

This will be a bit long winded I'm afraid (sorry) but I'll begin at the beginning... this afternoon after work I went and gave blood. I used to be regular donor but had to stop as I kept having delayed faint reactions, where you're fine immediately after donating but get dizzy and/or pass out anything up to (in my case) an hour later. So I waited a few years and was recently told I could have another try. So today I did.
Anyway, I got on the tube to go home afterwards (central line, about 6 pm which most Londoners will know is generally like a furnace) and I managed to get a seat when I got on (it happened to be a priority seat, I didn't pick that one by design)- which was just as well as I'd started seeing spots and my ears were ringing, which is usually a good sign that I'm going to faint. Knowing what was happening and what do I was leaning forward with my head propped on my hands, taking deep breaths and sips of water- not making a scene or anything but to the casual observer I probably didn't look the picture of health.
It's at this point that I get a tap on my shoulder and look up, and a woman with a not particularly large bump, baby on board badge and unimpressed look on her face, glares at me and says 'can I sit there please.' Yes, she said please but the manner in which she said it was still quite sharp and rude. I apologised and said that I really did need to sit and would she mind asking someone else? She then proceeded to very loudly berate me for not moving- this is a priority seat, you are supposed to give it up for pregnant women or disabled people, clearly I am neither so why won't I stand for her?? I explained that I'd just given blood, I wasn't feeling well and I was fairly sure that if I had to stand I'd either vomit or pass out much as I wanted to just tell her it was none of her fucking business. It was only then that the man sitting opposite me (also in a priority seat) stood up to let Angry Pregnant Woman sit down. Nobody else had offered, despite her outburst attracting plenty of attention.

AIBU to think that I shouldn't have to disclose my reason for needing a tube seat to any random stranger, pregnant or otherwise?? There a plenty of disabilities that aren't necessarily outwardly obvious, and while people are encouraged to stand for pregnant women on public transport, they are not actually obliged to do so and shouldn't have to explain themselves or put up with that kind of crap when they don't or can't?

[FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP]

This is why when asking for a seat you're better off addressing a small group of people in a more general way "could someone give me a seat please, I really need to sit down". The chances of all four of them being on their way to a MND support session is much smaller.

[Andrewofgg]

No, my sins in a past life were not bad enough to deserve Southern into London Bridge - goodness knows what you were.

Please decline politely - if you are rude the offerer is less likely to bother next time.

[HagOtheNorth]

Andrew, people like you made my regular journeys from Manchester to Sussex with a baby so much easier. I used to tackle the underground with a backpack and a baby, knowing that there would be people who would help if I needed assistance and I was never disappointed.
What's the problem with declining an offer with a smile and a polite refusal?

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Yanbu. The woman probably chose you as another woman so felt you were the easier target. However, once you declined and explained (unnecessary imo) why, she should have turned to the next priority seated person. Who happened to be a man. Obv he did the right thing and gave up his seat. But I can't help but wonder what the pregnant woman would have done had all priority seats been taken by men. Either assume they needed them or not bother asking?

[TiredButFine]

Well tempers are usually frayed on the 6pm central line. Its totally jam packed and hotter than a boiled kettle, people are not very nice.
Yes she was an arse, but I find that when a woman asks a few people for a seat, or there's a person on crutches or frail old people, it's usually women who offer their seat. I've seen men just point blank refuse/open the paper/look away when asked, but never a woman. You were probably the easier target.

[AmberFool]

Do people really have baby on board badges pinned on them? I lead such a sheltered life.

YANBU by the way.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I've always wondered how useful designated priority seats are.

If you use one without visible need, people will criticise/get arsy with you and you will have the choice of either getting up to keep the peace or explaining your medical history in a packed carriage.

If you do have a visible need, then some kind soul should be offering you a seat anyway.

It's also very difficult to know whether a pregnant woman needs to sit down or not. Pregnancies differ hugely - in terms of how well or unwell we feel. I'm pretty sure we don't have BOB badges here - are they something you just buy for yourself or are they given out by the midwife to women who are having health issues in pregnancy? Does a BOB badge mean "I want your seat?"

[thecatfromjapan]

It's very typical that she didn't ask the man. People don't.
I'm embarrassed for everyone else in the carriage that they didn't offer her a seat before the scene and during it.

Mr priority seat stealer ... What do you say?

I feel sorry for any woman married to men like that. Can you imagine how shit he's going to be when his partner needs him to put himself second?

Congratulations on giving blood. I am do grateful to the person who donated the blood I used after my CS. Many thanks to you all.

[toomuchtooold]

Andrew I was fairly polite in fact, but probably didn't sound overwhelmingly grateful, because I wasn't. Since 2011 I've not been able to get on public transport without attracting one or other kind of attention. Everyone else gets to get on and off without any comment (and I can and could get on and off and stand on there without help, while pregnant, with my kids, with the buggy) and I would appreciate the peace. I don't think you can understand how irritating it is as a fairly quiet private person to be public property for going on 4 years unless you've experienced it yourself.

[lemoncordial]

Yanbu. I have a 2 hour commute daily on the tube and worked until 39 weeks pregnant. I had a badge and never ever asked for a seat for exactly this reason. You don't know if that person needs the seat more than you.

The only exception was when someone literally shoved me out of the way so she could sit down and I asked her to move.

[CheesyWater]

OP, YANBU and good for you for donating blood. I hope you feel better now.

The pregnant woman was fucking rude; pregnancy does not entitle one to a seat.

Re badges: I'm pregnant and commute on the Victoria, district and jubilee lines every day. I wear a Baby On Board badge and don't give a flying shit if others find them cringey or unnecessary. It makes me feel less vulnerable in huge, shoving crowds and helps me feel more confident in (very politely) asking for a seat when I feel like I'm about to pass out. I never expect anyone to stand for me unless I really need a seat; as usual it's the minority of wearers who give everyone a bad name. And I take mine off the minute I'm out of the tube - you won't see me waddling around Waitrose with it on.

[thecatfromjapan]

I love people who offer seats. I reckon it's the opposite of a red flag marker for relationships.

[CheesyWater]

And EVERY bloody seat on the tube should be a priority seat, given up for people who need it more than the person currently sitting in it.

[thecatfromjapan]

And I like the baby on board badges. I am happy to offer a seat to a pregnant woman, and like the absence of ambiguity.

I like courtesy, and empathy, and a polite public space.

I don't really understand people who want to turn public spCes into places where the default setting is rudeness, hostility, aggression and selfishness.

And it feel pity for people whose lives are so awful they have to get all survival of the fittest over a seat on public transport.

[chocolatechip123]

Oh lemon, that happened to me! I was almost rugby tackled by a womsn on my way home from work (i wasn't even going for the empty seat!) the day I gave birth! The man next to me was horrified but we had a chuckle about me not really being pregnant at all but had swallowed a space hopper (I was huge).

Thank god I had a brilliantly easy pregnancy and felt good throughout. I never asked for a seat and commuted in rush hour. I was very lucky, you rarely see anyone offering a seat in london - not just Londoners but tourists too (seated kids gawping at someone on crutches).

[thecatfromjapan]

That's right CheesyWater.

[PeppaWellington]

I hope she will think of you when she inevitably hears someone's birth story involving a pph, or when someone close to her has surgery and needs a blood transfusion.

Well done for giving blood OP - that woman was rude and nasty. Not only was she unaware that disability doesn't solely mean 'wheelchair user', how could she know you weren't a few weeks pregnant and too ill to stand? (er, if you are a man or a 65 year old woman, scratch that, but the hidden disability point still stands!)

[muminhants1]

SWT has a scheme for pregnant women, once you are so far through the pregnancy you can apply for a pass that allows you to sit in First Class. But you have to have your MATB (is that what it's called?) so can't have it in the early weeks (when arguably you feel grottier than grotty and need to more than any other time!).

The BOB badge avoids embarrassment where you offer your seat to someone who is fat rather than pregnant.

If you are able-bodied, yes you are obliged to give your your seat to the elderly, disabled or pregnant, it's not just a nice to have. But she was unreasonable picking on you, and once you said you were feeling ill she should have immediately moved on to ask someone else. It's good that the bloke gave up his seat without any drama.

[BringMeTea]

YANBU. And as a fellow late-fainter after donating blood you have my full empathy. I had no idea BOB badges existed. What fresh hell.

[Lurkedforever1]

Yanbu. Some pregnant women may have difficulty standing, but not all automatically do. Being pregnant in itself is not a disability that entitles you to special treatment above and beyond normal courtesy, let alone in the ops case.

[ThreeBeanRap]

This snide attitude about BOB badges from some posters is really unpleasant. I can only assume if you've never heard of them or seen them you don't live and/or work in London, where they are widely used, and therefore don't have any experience of what the London rush hour involves. I have a 2 hour commute daily in and out of London involving a train, tube and bus, and my job involves a lot of meetings so I am often travelling throughout the day. I am 6m pregnant and if I don't wear my badge I am never offered a seat. It is difficult when on a very busy tube to even get in a position where you can ask for a seat but the badges are noticeable and sometimes people do offer.

More than anything I think they make people more aware I am pregnant which has made a noticeable difference in the way I am treated when people are shoving to get on to a busy tube or bus.

If you had a perfect and easy pregnancy and never needed to sit down, good on you, but lots of pregnant women do have days when they feel more in need of a seat on a very hot, very busy mode of transport, and if badges are helping to facilitate that then great. This doesn't make us special delicate princess flowers who think we are the most important people in the world, but women who are going through a long experience which includes significant changes to our bodies and sometimes need to sit the fuck down at the end of a long day.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

She may well have said Please but she was still damn well Very rude. Not only by her tone but also by tapping you on the shoulder. The way you have described the scenario she must have known you were not well. I'm pretty sure other people a lot more able at the time could have given up their seat.
Hope you're feeling better now

[OttiliaVonBCup]

I do think the BOB badges are a good idea, I take them to mean that they would appreciate a seat, because as above not all pregnant women want one and not all women who have a bit of a tum are pregnant so it does save from embarrassment all around.

It's typical she didn't ask the man though, somehow it's always assumed a woman will give up a seat.
This might warrant a discussion in the Feminism boards, only I'm not
brave or bright enough to venture there.

[KumiOri]

I don't find tapping on the shoulder rude. some commuters pretend to be are so engrossed with books/phones so tgat's the only way to get their attention.

[Groovee]

Hope you are feeling ok OP. I have a invisible disability and am getting hardened to not giving up my priority seat.