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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate online dating?

65 replies

twilightskye · 11/08/2015 08:36

I have tried it using both paid sites and also free ones a few times now and I just absolutely loathe it.

Unfortunately since my opportunities to meet men in real life are limited it's probably the only way I'll meet a partner (hence am 34 and never been kissed).

But AIBU to still not use it? And AIBU to think there's worse things than going into middle age single and childless - and that sounds so cold and empty.

And where did you meet your partners? Smile

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 11/08/2015 08:42

Couldn't agree more about OLD.

Are there are any speed dating events near to you? I find that much better.

TTWK · 11/08/2015 08:44

On line dating....the odds are good but the goods are odd.

HappilyMarriedExpat · 11/08/2015 08:45

I agree with you 100% (so YANBU) and yet I met my DH on OD (so actually YABU Grin).... to abuse a simile, OD is like digging through piles of shit with one's bare hands to find a possibly non-existent diamond (and trying not to get too suicidal in the process).

There are many worse things than going into middle age single and child-free OP. Only you can decide what is important for your life. I was feeling perfectly perky about my lovely career, owning my own home, not having kids etc...and then DH swans along a whisker before my 40th and we are about to start IVF.

My only advice is stick to the paid sites (as that at least eliminates one layer of shit) and delete anyone who doesn't want to meet up after a few email. Some married men just seem to want porn pen pals - be ruthless and don't waste time on the dross.

HappilyMarriedExpat · 11/08/2015 08:47

And if you really CBA then don't bother!

TTWK I just LOVE that expression and am about to send it to my BFF who is meeting a succession of arseholes on OD. Grin

firebladeklover · 11/08/2015 08:51

funny, i signed up about four days ago, I've put up two pictures although they're blurred. I've filled in my profile 100%. I've had a couple of views. A few messages from blokes in their 50s who look like they're standing next to their tractors. I messaged one man and he didn't reply to me! (He was online though). Then out of the blue, a man from the The Netherlands Confused messaged me and we sparked up a very easy but really very pointless chat.

what is the point! I paid for this! Argh. I'd be better off sending over a round of drinks to a group of men in a pub wouldn't I? That'd get their attention.

firebladeklover · 11/08/2015 08:51

you're only 34 OP! I'm much older.

firebladeklover · 11/08/2015 08:56

Happilymarriedxpat even though I'm a divorced single parent, I still like a happy ending so congratulations! Wine

I disagree about going for paid sites though. I think that the site 'matched' me with people and a few sent smiles. I lost my mind, got out my credit card to say hello. No reply. So either the man I messaged isn't able to reply cos he hasn't paid up, or he doesn't want to, I'm not sure which.

But I think the site matches you with people who haven't paid. It's in the site's financial interest to match you with people who can't even reply to you!

don't give up, It's been less than a week.

Keeptrudging · 11/08/2015 08:56

I met my now DH online, he's truly lovely. He had a properly - written, interesting profile (a rare thing in OLD), sent friendly, non-creepy messages and we met up within weeks of messaging. There are decent men on there, but unfortunately they're well - hidden! I nearly gave up after my first week online and am so glad I didn't!

firebladeklover · 11/08/2015 08:58

If I were you OP, I'd really try to meet new people. Volunteer somewhere and join a club and instead of MAKING yourself do OLD, make yourself go and hang out in a pub with some single friends.

firebladeklover · 11/08/2015 09:00

Keeptrudging, did you message him? I must go back over the 'matches' and look to see whose profile is filled in.

Keeptrudging · 11/08/2015 09:01

Also, just as I was about to delete my profile, I had a mad turn/attack of bravery and pressed the 'perfect match' button on Pof. My partner's profile came up, I messaged him and voilaGrin!

Original poster
twilightskye · 11/08/2015 09:04

I don't have any single friends - mid thirties and everyone's happily coupled up!

I don't get a huge amount of attention when OD either which can be very discouraging.

OP posts:
ChickChickQuack · 11/08/2015 09:07

YABU. I met my wonderful DH via OLD. And in the couple of months I was on it before I met him, I went on dates with truly nice, friendly and interesting people.
This was 10 years ago now though... It may have changed!

Birdsgottafly · 11/08/2015 09:09

I'm 47. I made a profile a month ago and I've had lots of messages, but I've got to pay to answer them, so I've been considering if it's worth it.

I haven't got any opportunity to meet someone in RL, I won't allow myself to be "picked up" on a bus etc, so OL is the only way.

I don't just want sex, I could get that.

I'm scared to put a picture up, but would like to date.

It's a nightmare.

HappilyMarriedExpat · 11/08/2015 09:11

Fireblade keep looking! I agree that the paid/not paid thing is annoying when you want to contact someone. On the non-paid sites, I just met men who were looking to get their end away with minimal effort too mean to even pay a subscription but even the paid sites are no guarantee against that.

One local guy on POF invited me to go to his house on a Sunday afternoon and suggested that I "bring some beer because you have to go past Morrisons on your way". I politely declined. Now-DH OTOH left a 5 kilo box of cherries on my doorstep the morning after our first date just cos I said I liked them! Completely different to most of the OD men I met and I inwardly rejoiced that I could stop hating men again! Grin

I don't regret OD now I have met my DH, but you need the hide of a rhino. I regularly deleted my profile then got stuck in the same old rut socially and reactivated it...eventually it paid off, but there is a lot of luck involved. And I worry that women who struggle with their self-esteem might find it very bruising indeed yes, I am looking at you, shitty man who told me I was "below his acceptable standard for looks" and too old

Original poster
twilightskye · 11/08/2015 09:14

Yes, I don't have great self esteem anyway and I do find OD makes it worse.

OP posts:
pretend · 11/08/2015 09:18

Do you want children? Could you go it alone?

Tbh I don't think partners are anything like all they're cracked up to be, and singledom is bliss.

Single parenthood can be fun, fulfilling, interesting... All the things regular parenthood is except you get to make all the decisions!

Would you consider it? Then at least you can give OLD a miss - you're right, it's shit.

AliceAlice1979 · 11/08/2015 09:18

I met DH on OLD completely agree it's painful and aweful. But it was the best option for me to meet new folk given my circumstances. I personally prefer the pay for sites that match you to people. Hang in there.

HappilyMarriedExpat · 11/08/2015 09:19

OP I really tried to think of the whole thing as a bit of fun and not have any expectations. Most of the men who were nasty were actually not men I would seriously contemplate dating in RL (e.g. Mr "below acceptable standard" was late 50's and had a toupee - if he had propositioned me in a bar, I would have laughed in his face (or politely declined!) )

Until you have actually met a man you want to spend you life with (and maybe have kids with) , you are not "missing out" - so who gives a crap what a bunch of socially maladjusted, bitter strangers think? At the same time, why not put yourself in the best position to meet one if that is what you want to do eventually?

PS - 34 is no age at all Smile

Birdsgottafly · 11/08/2015 09:26

""Tbh I don't think partners are anything like all they're cracked up to be, and singledom is bliss.""

That's personal to you, I've been happily single for two years, as I was before, but I've decided I would like to date and have sex with the person I'm away with etc.

I'll hopefully never live with anyone again, but a friendship (with benefits) would be nice.

pretend · 11/08/2015 09:32

Yes that's fine too Birds, obviously.

I just think there's another way, which is often forgotten, and that's forgetting the whole marry go round altogether.

That corrected from merry go round but I think it's apt so I'll leave it!

Original poster
twilightskye · 11/08/2015 09:37

To be honest I feel I am missing out a bit.

I know there are a hundred worse things to be than single, but just the same, since my dad died two years ago I have been very conscious of the fact that there isn't anyone alive who really loves me or cares for me. My friends are GREAT - it's no criticism of them! - but obviously with small children themselves and husbands and partners they take precedence.

I feel like I would really like to be in a relationship but I just don't know if I can foresee it happening.

Re going it alone - it's something I think I would do, yes (whether I should do it brings up a thousand other questions!) but I feel as if I should try to meet someone first ... That said, as my 35th birthday hovers I do feel under pressure.

OP posts:
pretend · 11/08/2015 09:51

Could you give yourself say 2 years, then if nothing has appeared on the relationship front, think about doing it alone?

Original poster
twilightskye · 11/08/2015 09:52

Possibly, although I'd be nearly 37 then (Shock)

OP posts:
pretend · 11/08/2015 09:53

Well a year then? Or whatever you're comfortable with?