To be wide awake and unable to sleep - so come tell me your secret thoughts that you would only whisper down a deep well at dead of night.

[Salmotrutta]

One of mine is :-

I can't abide one of my colleagues.

This person is loud, wants to be the centre of attention and, whatever the conversation is about, manages to turn it around to them.

[Grin]

Getbusy - do you have to love it? Does it suit her?

Laska there's a term for the feeling you have "Call Of The Void". Its quite common apparently

How difficult should it be?

I need to ask one of my bosses for a reference to get into Uni next year. I get on well with all of them and have an excellent work record, but for some reason I'm scared in case they laugh at me and tell me I'm not good enough

I'm worried about going back to work after a year's leave. I feel not particularly good at being a SAHM (too impatient and easily bored) but nervous about the juggling act that work, school and nursery will entail. I keep putting on a brave face but am feeling really sorry for myself.

CorporationPop - good for you on planning to go to uni. I'd be pleased if someone asked me to write them a reference for uni application. Go for it. Am certain you'll only get a positive response.

Thanks, PinPon

I know I'm probably worrying for nothing, its just that I see asking for a reference as a very personal thing and obviously I would never be able to find out what they'd written about me. Oh it gives me the heebee jeebies thinking about it!

I know 'D'H is messaging filth to other women. He also tells them he's single with no kids, yet we've been married 3years and have a 2 month old. In scared to tell him I know because I don't want our family to split up but I don't know how much longer I can go pretending I don't know and everything's fine.

I'm hopelessly, desperately addicted to codeine. Again! I used to be for a good three or four years, then managed to beat it owing to two pregnancies - stayed clean of it for about three years. Then got fucking cancer and got prescribed it for the horrible horrible pain. I'm on the way to recovery now (I hope), and am still in pain, but am taking far too much of it than I really need to and Valium

I don't have the strength to deal with it just now, and dh would be really disappointed if he knew.

I want to go nc with my sibling. I worry I've gone the wrong direction with my life. Being forever single has left me thinking i'm unlovable and will die alone. I'm sick of laughing at my height - I just want to buy a pair of jeans, be able to reach stuff and not be compared to a child.

I also fancy Tom Kitchin.

overwhelmed nobody will be disappointed in you. That isn't your fault/failure. Lots of us have predisposition to self medicating. You were prescribed these drugs....They make you dependant. Mention it to your doc I bet he hears it from most people given these drugs.

notasinglefuck, for not giving a fuck, you have been extraordinarily kind and understanding on this thread.

You're right, I am predisposed to self medicating - always have been, which is why I think that even in these circumstances DH would be less than sympathetic. And even if I did tell my dr, what would he do? I'd be terrified he'd just stop prescribing them then I'd go back to buying lower strength ones from the pharmacy and taking too many of those.

Not, you absolutely astound me. The fact that despite feeling as rotten as you do you could instantly reach out to support someone else is incredible. I'm so glad you're seeing a doc and I hope that he or she really listens and can find a way forward for you. Reading your words brought me to tears. And yes, as Overwhelmed rightly identified, your name is completely wrong - you have an extraordinary capacity to give a fuck.

To everyone else battling truly shitty times, I wish you strength and love. For so many, life is so far from easy for so many reasons, none of them anyone's fault.

And now, Dreaming, there are eyes leaking all over the thread.

Thank you both of you.
I have endless empathy for anyone suffering. Because I know what it's like. I can't stand it. I had so much love in me to give and it was used to manipulate me. I still have that in me and don't want anyone else to end up where I am.

overwhelmed they won't stop you suddenly. Your body and mind have been through so much already. The fear and self loathing is the addiction talking. It doesn't want you to stop! Anyone who loves you will not be disappointed. You haven't done this on purpose, who would? Explain to a doc about buying lower dose and risking paracetamol overdose. They won't let that happen. You're a human being and you're suffering. No decent doctor or person will let that happen. Whenever you're ready, we are here.

There are some lovely people on this thread and and unMumsnet hugs to all.

daisychain1991 whenever you want to get your daughter in for a snuggle, do it. They're only little once, and nobody was ever harmed by too many snuggles at 4 months old

I wonder almost every day if my DS would be better off living with my parents. I am not a good mum, despite loving the bones of him. I am not as patient as I should be (I especially struggle as he has ADHD), and I haven't the foggiest idea of how to bring a child up. I am terrified he's going to grow up messed up because of my parenting.

I am a staunch feminist, the breadwinner in our house and I can not abide women who are economically dependent on men.

Despite this everyday I fantasize about being a 'house wife'- not a SAHP (I don't have children) but just not working, spending all day cleaning, cooking and looking through Tupperware catalogs.

Jeter I sometimes get that. Dds dad was a lazy dreamer sahp as he wanted to be famous. I love my financial independence but oh sometimes I wanted to wander round the shops and browse the local market

I have 2
First one is that Im sure I'm being positioned to be made redundant, and I don't give much of a shit.
My 2 nd one is that I keep having thoughts of dh dying, what I would have to organize/ do/ change / live with. He is much older than me and we have nearly grown dc. This has happened before with mil, sfil, my Aunt and my dh's step gran. The thoughts started then they died within 6 months.

My boyfriend thinks I'm heartbroken that he doesn't want to move in with me yet.

I'm actually relieved. I need my alone time and he just doesn't get that. He wants to be in contact/talking ALL the time and its suffocating.

He thinks I was crying my eyes out last night, when I was actually watching GBBO, eating jaffa cakes and enjoying going to bed early. Alone.

Bloke here.

I am a civil servant (not in the UK). I fear daily that I will make some stupid mistake that will lose me my job and get me held up to public ridicule. Because DW has only ever been precariously employed (in fact she's been fired twice), we would all be fucked if this happened. I'll never tell DW this as she stresses if I tell her about workplace problems. I feel stupid because I'm not massively paid for all my stressing.

Also I'm still in love with my first gf. She had been a good friend for some years previously and somewhat briefly in 1996 it all blossomed rather explosively. I still think about her most days even though I lost contact with her over 10 years ago, have been married for 13, and have hardly spoken to her in 15. She is married now and I expect she has forgotten all about me; if she thinks about me at all I expect she thinks she messed me up. But I remember just how good she made me feel, and how she touched me - she had very listening hands. I sometimes really wish that I could rewind my life back then make it all work. I would love to tell her how happy the memory makes me feel even now and I could easily get in touch with her even though I live in a different country. But. I. Won't. Ever.