To be wide awake and unable to sleep - so come tell me your secret thoughts that you would only whisper down a deep well at dead of night.

[Salmotrutta]

One of mine is :-

I can't abide one of my colleagues.

This person is loud, wants to be the centre of attention and, whatever the conversation is about, manages to turn it around to them.

I'm with you there Elledouble, I have a five week old who feeds every two hours. I adore him but at 2am I could quite cheerfully put him on Ebay.

I am sick of my DH sitting around in his dressing gown moaning about how tired he is. He does work long hours and I completely understand but I am also exhausted from looking after a newborn all night and a toddler and house all day. (On mat leave at mo') I love him dearly but his competetive tiredness makes me want to scream.

(DH really is a lovely, lovely man in every other way.)

Ok. ( big breath )
I joined here ages ago and am still not brave enough to say how I feel. This thread is perfect so will try.
I am dead inside. All I ever feel is rage and venom to the world. I tried to be a good person but got royally fucked by life in every conceivable position. And I'm angry. I cry with rage sometimes. I think about swallowing handfuls of pills and not waking up. Them I remember I'm pathetic ad many people have had worse. And I Bury it all. And the fucking cycle continues.

Not

Why do you think you feel like that? Are you under care at the moment?

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I'm so poor and miserable is because I don't repost those "repost and you'll get money tomorrow, if not, your worst week begins" images on Facebook. I just wonder if I keep having worst weeks

I am so jealous of SIL who got pregnant by accident when we have been trying for years. I can Garda bring myself to look at her or the baby. I hate myself for being so horrible but every time I see hem I want to cry

Have had various diagnosis and meds and anger management and therapy since my teenage years. I honestly think I can't be helped now. The bitterness at how fucking difficult every bastard day has been is ruining my life. I get moments when I feel elated but they pass and this urge to hurt me and anyone who gets too close comes back. Thank you for listening without judgement. I feel something akin to pleasure for letting some of this crap go

Don't know where Garda came from, it should say can't !

sweetpeas that's ok. It's normal I'd say. I get jealous of people for just being alive and having options in life. Don't beat yourself up and you don't have to be involved with the baby. You are allowed to back off

bumble i think you should reconsider running off and marrying your dog.

Notasingle - thank you for that lovely reply Its brought me to tears, but in a happy way that someone doesn't think I'm a horrible person for my feelings

sweetpeas I mean it. You aren't horrible. Your conscience bothers you. You're quite the opposite. Leave them to it....feel what you need to.

That I really hate that DH is best friends with two of my exes and that I am not, in fact,"cool" with it. Despite the fact that I am good friends with both of them. Despite the fact that we employ one of them and he joins us at the main house for breakfast every morning. Hypocritical, me? I know that I'm being horribly unreasonable, its my secret shame .

My lovely DH genuinely is best friends with them, they are like three peas in a pod.

I'm not sure i can cope with this third DC even though its due in less than 2 months.

I wish i had a time machine to go back to the 90's when i was younger and life was simpler.

I think about the second one alot

Notasingle, Ilikesweetpeas and *steppedon - I really hope that you can have turning points in your lives, I really do .

And if it has helped a tiny bit to write it down then I am glad I started the thread.

SideOrder - I know it's a cliche but I really think you will cope when the baby arrives. Maybe not every day and maybe you will feel like you are treading water sometimes but in the not too distant future there will come a time when you reach equilibrium.

Bleak are you especially girlie looking or maybe a bit more androgynous? If the latter that may be why....
I am gay yet everyone thinks I'm straight as I look quite feminine. Until they get to know me that is..

to all posters in turmoil.

I secretly wish that I could get into a train to Cornwall for just a week and be just me by myself.

Not a mum or a daughter or a carer or running my own business or a sister or a gran or a wife.

I am tired of being the king pin and the go to person for my parents and my children.

I love them all to bits but just want a bit of peace and me time after 25 years as a parent.

I have lost over two stone. Nobody other than dds has noticed because I'm still huge, just hitting a size 18. I'm not doing it properly. I asked dh for help but as usual, life is about him. I know all the logic, I know it's about control but I am at the moment a fat anorexic on between three and five hundred calories a day.

RyVeeta you can't possibly sustain that, can you look at Weight watchers or Slimming World to get some support?

Ah, RyVeeta, I've been there. I lost seven stone in under a year in all the wrong ways. Unfortunately, my weight was only ever a symptom of how I was feeling inside - pretty much any problem you have when you're fat, you'll still have when you're thin. Is there something deeper you maybe need to tackle while you try to lose weight safely?

DangerGrouse: I don't think I'm girly or androgynous. I think it wraps up with people perceiving me as being posh, a sort of Tim-Nice-But-Dim fellow. I've never been a "birds, booze, footy" laddish type.

My next door neighbours grandchildren are driving me mad. I know I will sound like a miserable fucker now, and noisy kids don't usually annoy me but these two are something else. The elder kicks the footballer at the fence over, and over again and the younger one just screeches constantly not a cry a hight pitched, wailing screech that can be heard for miles around.

It pisses me off, they are hear every single day because their mother can't be arsed can't cope with them so I have had to put up with this every day for the past three bloody weeks, even though there is a perfectly adequate playing field five minutes away!

Thanks for this thread. Saying the unsayable is a relief in itself. Spurred me on to revisit the doc. I need help. Holding out a hand to drag everyone else along who wants to move forward.

I have to have an operation and I am concerned that I might die. It's not that serious an operation, but recent events have made me realise that really horrendous things can happen to me -- I am not infallible. My blood pressure also drops suddenly when I have an anesthetic.

I've started to think about tying certain administrative things up just in case, so it is easier for my DH if the worst happens. I haven't told him I feel this way, because I think it would just stress him out.

The thing is ... I don't think my fear is that ludicrous, not considering what has happened in the last twelve months.

I live in a Victorian terrace house and I'm scared my neighbour is going to have a baby and it'll wake me up in the night

I'm working at home and I have a really tight deadline for the end of August but everything I have done is shit and there's no way the work is going to be up to standard. Rather than deal with this, I just fuck about on MN

I seriously doubt my ability to do 50% of my job. At the minute I'm coasting along comparing myself to a colleague who is really shit but I am scared that one day I'll get found out and lose my job