To be wide awake and unable to sleep - so come tell me your secret thoughts that you would only whisper down a deep well at dead of night.

[Salmotrutta]

One of mine is :-

I can't abide one of my colleagues.

This person is loud, wants to be the centre of attention and, whatever the conversation is about, manages to turn it around to them.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Glad this is still going. Nice to know we have somewhere to vent....Classics?

[meadowquark]

My marriage is a failure, has been for a long time. I recently caught myself thinking of lesbian butch women and that I feel attracted to them. I have never considered myself lesbian though I felt in a similar way when I was a teen.
I even imagined myself dressed up as a butch. I don't recognize myself...

[PiperChapstick]

For Moira and no73

[PiperChapstick]

For a multitude of reasons I won't go into, I often think I can do better than DH

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

I'm 49yo and I have many times in the last year or so thought about my death (not that I intend to anytime soon. My grandmother reached 95yo so good genes)

But one day, I will end.
There will be nothing more of me.
And I cannot help but look back and think "where did my teens/20s/30s/40s go ?)

But before I was born I knew nothing. Once I'm gone I'll know nothing.

And when the world ends?
We'll all know nothing.

In a strange way , I envy our pets. They embrace each season. Summer to eat and get chubby. Autumn to get their thick fur. Winter to sleep as much as possible. Spring to breed (except they're neutered)
Then when the time comes, they cross The Rainbow Bridge.
Without fuss or fear.

[no73]

Mines 5. I'm miserable most of the time, we never have fun as it is a constant round of battles, screaming, shouting and hitting me. I look at other people and think 'how are you having so much fun when I absolutely hate it'. I feel very sorry for my child.

[MoiraBrown101]

Me too no73. DS is 13 weeks old, I've not taken to it at all. No depression, not having terrible thoughts or anything, just really really don't enjoy being a mother. Some people just don't.

[no73]

I utterly hate being a parent. Although I have actually said that to some people :(

[Laska42]

mistressdeecee thanks for that .I just looked up Call of the Void.. Fascinating..

[Laska42]

cheezy I do that also.. I get to feeling sorry for things ( you know like cups and stuff if they get damaged.. If things get broken I tell them sorry also .. I saw a cartoon a few weeks ago (in a Saturday Guardian) about a house plant that was so happy being alive but then didnt get watered , and it kept begging for water from its owner who couldnt understand it .then it was alsmost ded when the owner realised and gave the nearley dead plant a drink its last gasp was 'thank you lady'. I almost cried.. .. My plants have been much better looked after since.... God i'm just so soft..

toad.. Im happily married and have been for many years , but I still think of old boyfriends (even one-daters) often and wonder if they ever remember me.. I'd never look them up though.. there were good reasons why I stopped being with them..

[Fugghetaboutit]

Ah, the one that got away yep I can relate.

[Toadinthehole]

Bloke here.

I am a civil servant (not in the UK). I fear daily that I will make some stupid mistake that will lose me my job and get me held up to public ridicule. Because DW has only ever been precariously employed (in fact she's been fired twice), we would all be fucked if this happened. I'll never tell DW this as she stresses if I tell her about workplace problems. I feel stupid because I'm not massively paid for all my stressing.

Also I'm still in love with my first gf. She had been a good friend for some years previously and somewhat briefly in 1996 it all blossomed rather explosively. I still think about her most days even though I lost contact with her over 10 years ago, have been married for 13, and have hardly spoken to her in 15. She is married now and I expect she has forgotten all about me; if she thinks about me at all I expect she thinks she messed me up. But I remember just how good she made me feel, and how she touched me - she had very listening hands. I sometimes really wish that I could rewind my life back then make it all work. I would love to tell her how happy the memory makes me feel even now and I could easily get in touch with her even though I live in a different country. But. I. Won't. Ever.

[Bloodymidges]

My boyfriend thinks I'm heartbroken that he doesn't want to move in with me yet.

I'm actually relieved. I need my alone time and he just doesn't get that. He wants to be in contact/talking ALL the time and its suffocating.

He thinks I was crying my eyes out last night, when I was actually watching GBBO, eating jaffa cakes and enjoying going to bed early. Alone.

[Humansatnav]

I have 2
First one is that Im sure I'm being positioned to be made redundant, and I don't give much of a shit.
My 2 nd one is that I keep having thoughts of dh dying, what I would have to organize/ do/ change / live with. He is much older than me and we have nearly grown dc. This has happened before with mil, sfil, my Aunt and my dh's step gran. The thoughts started then they died within 6 months.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Jeter I sometimes get that. Dds dad was a lazy dreamer sahp as he wanted to be famous. I love my financial independence but oh sometimes I wanted to wander round the shops and browse the local market

[JeterandPane]

I am a staunch feminist, the breadwinner in our house and I can not abide women who are economically dependent on men.

Despite this everyday I fantasize about being a 'house wife'- not a SAHP (I don't have children) but just not working, spending all day cleaning, cooking and looking through Tupperware catalogs.

[BeautyQueenFromMars]

I wonder almost every day if my DS would be better off living with my parents. I am not a good mum, despite loving the bones of him. I am not as patient as I should be (I especially struggle as he has ADHD), and I haven't the foggiest idea of how to bring a child up. I am terrified he's going to grow up messed up because of my parenting.

[BeautyQueenFromMars]

daisychain1991 whenever you want to get your daughter in for a snuggle, do it. They're only little once, and nobody was ever harmed by too many snuggles at 4 months old

[Salmotrutta]

There are some lovely people on this thread and and unMumsnet hugs to all.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

overwhelmed they won't stop you suddenly. Your body and mind have been through so much already. The fear and self loathing is the addiction talking. It doesn't want you to stop! Anyone who loves you will not be disappointed. You haven't done this on purpose, who would? Explain to a doc about buying lower dose and risking paracetamol overdose. They won't let that happen. You're a human being and you're suffering. No decent doctor or person will let that happen. Whenever you're ready, we are here.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Thank you both of you.
I have endless empathy for anyone suffering. Because I know what it's like. I can't stand it. I had so much love in me to give and it was used to manipulate me. I still have that in me and don't want anyone else to end up where I am.

[OverwhelmedAndConfused]

And now, Dreaming, there are eyes leaking all over the thread.

[DreamingOfADifferentMe]

Not, you absolutely astound me. The fact that despite feeling as rotten as you do you could instantly reach out to support someone else is incredible. I'm so glad you're seeing a doc and I hope that he or she really listens and can find a way forward for you. Reading your words brought me to tears. And yes, as Overwhelmed rightly identified, your name is completely wrong - you have an extraordinary capacity to give a fuck.

To everyone else battling truly shitty times, I wish you strength and love. For so many, life is so far from easy for so many reasons, none of them anyone's fault.

[OverwhelmedAndConfused]

notasinglefuck, for not giving a fuck, you have been extraordinarily kind and understanding on this thread.

You're right, I am predisposed to self medicating - always have been, which is why I think that even in these circumstances DH would be less than sympathetic. And even if I did tell my dr, what would he do? I'd be terrified he'd just stop prescribing them then I'd go back to buying lower strength ones from the pharmacy and taking too many of those.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

overwhelmed nobody will be disappointed in you. That isn't your fault/failure. Lots of us have predisposition to self medicating. You were prescribed these drugs....They make you dependant. Mention it to your doc I bet he hears it from most people given these drugs.