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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sick of my hubby,s illness

106 replies

aprilanne · 09/08/2015 22:30

I feel terrible for saying this but .i am so sick of my hubby,s illness severe mental health problem,s .we have been invited away with our eldest son,s partner on holiday .hubby won,t go fair enough he hates socialising /holiday,s .
I am due to go with our other two son,s it,s on the 29th for a week .my hubby is now in the bloody physciartric ward of our local hospital again .this happened last year when we were due to go holiday again .i am beginning to think he does this on purpose so we get no where . He gets invited refuses tells us to go then takes ill .i have had this for 16 years .in and out of hospital in a lot of ways he is a good hubby always provided finacially .i have never doubted his fidelity once .My mum used to say who the hell but you would have him but thats another story .i know he has difficulty,s high functioning autism ..think dylan from the drama casualty then you get the picture .
My life and the childrens are dictated by his moods/ mad behaviour obsessions .
I know i sound a cow but i have no support his parent,s refuse to believe he is ill .my mum who was my only support died two year ago so i have no one to talk to .I am scared for my youngest son who also has autism i am scared he will be like his dad in and out of mental institutions i am nearing my silver wedding anniversary i am 44 and have another possibly 40 years of this .sorry for the rant .

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 09/08/2015 22:33

Why can't you go? He's in hospital and getting the care he needs.
You sound like you need a break.

AliceScarlett · 09/08/2015 22:34

It's OK to be stressed and scared. Not an easy position you are in. Are there any carer support groups/charities you can access? Can you ask your GP fpr help?

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 22:35

Compassion fatigue? Have you asked for a carers assessment?

Littlefish · 09/08/2015 22:36

I agree with fuzzy - speak to his doctors and let them know that you are going to be away.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 22:37

I think you should go tbh. Sounds like you need it. He is being cared for.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 22:38

I think it's vital that you take a holiday whenever you can when you're a carer. Your life is as important as his. He's being taken care of in hospital; you should go on holiday to take care of yourself.

You do know you don't have to stay married, don't you? You have the right to a good quality of life and the peace that comes from being in control of your own life.

Have a think about it while you're on holiday. Have a fantastic time and DON'T come back early, no matter what the threat is.

Flowers
Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 22:45

thanks i do feel like just going fuck it we need this break but his mum would just start making me feel awful .not that she ever phones to ask how he is she comes to see us maybe once a year but we must visit her every week but when he is in the hospital she makes a point of going so everyone thinks she cares .they have spoke of befrienders before but he hates the idea .not a people person .i do love him but we are companions now certainly not man and wife in any physical sense and that saddens me .

OP posts:
Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 22:51

our gp,s are hopeless they just refer us to his cpn .community mental health nurse who works two days a week in an overstretched resource .nice person but if you have a partner at home you are bottom of there priority list .mental heath is bottom of the pile in the nhs budget .

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 22:53

Oh fuck his mother! Excuse me, but she's not taking on the care of him, is she? And she should be helping!

You DON'T have to go there every week - you need some sort of counselling to help you put yourself first, you know. Most people on here don't see their parents or in laws every week - and a normal relationship would involve equal visiting. She's not playing the game so you don't have to, either.

Make the decision yourself. You all need a holiday. You know damn well he's playing up because of the holiday. Fuck him and fuck his mother. I'm sorry, but how dare they manipulate you all like that?

Go on the holiday and have a great time.

wafflyversatile · 09/08/2015 22:56

Don't let his mum make you feel awful. Go on your holiday. Phone her up all perky and tell her you're off on your hols and don't forget to visit her son. Fuck it in a bucket. Leave the bucket behind and enjoy your break with nary a look behind you.

chickydoo · 09/08/2015 23:00

Well said Imperial, spot on.
Go on holiday Op. We are blessed with one life each, enjoy yours.

Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:01

imperialblether .that made me smile because this would have been my dear mothers attitude .and yes you are probably right about the counselling bit because i just get angrier the older i get .thanks

OP posts:
HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:02

He sounds panicked to the point of being hospitalised. To say Fuck him is harsh. He is safe in hospital with his Mum watching over playing devoted Mum so go on the holiday. If you want to be single the Hospital will release him into the care of his devoted Mother.

ouryve · 09/08/2015 23:04

Go. Enjoy yourselves.

You need the break and he's being looked after.

ouryve · 09/08/2015 23:05

Go. Enjoy yourselves.

You all need the break and he's being looked after.

ouryve · 09/08/2015 23:06

Apologies for the extra post.

Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:09

the truth i have often thought .god it would be so simple to walk out .the children and i could get a flat they are not babies .let his parents deal with him .but i made a vow to stand by him in sickness and in health .

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 09/08/2015 23:10

I think I understand how you feel, OP. My Dad had bipolar (manic) depression, and he would always become unwell as any important occasion approached; Christmas, holiday, family wedding etc. I know that he probably became unwell due to the pressure of feeling he had to "perform" and seem "normal" at family/public occasions, but if I'm honest sometimes it felt like he was doing on purpose because the event was important to someone else, and the focus was off him.

I know that's a mean thing to say, and I don't want to cause any distress to people suffering MH problems, but it did feel so predictable at times - he was well when he wanted to attend something but became unwell if someone else hoped he would attend something.

Our lives were completely in thrall to his illness - we couldn't look forward to anything in case it went wrong which it invariably did. I feel awful saying that, as he was the person who was sick, but MH conditions really do affect the whole family terribly.

As previous posters have said, please take your holiday, you need it, you deserve it, and your DH is being cared for.

I hope you are OK. Thanks for you, and carers and MH sufferers everywhere. It sucks.

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:12

You can stick by him. You don't have to abandon him. You can get a legal separation, live alone and enjoy life. No need to Fuck him as others suggest. You could carry on visiting his Mum once a week, where he can live, you just don't stay you deliver the children for contact instead.

Inertia · 09/08/2015 23:14

You sound like someone in desperate need of a break.

In order to be able to support your children and your husband, you need to be well- you need to put your own health and the needs of your children first. Your husband is in hospital, you know from experience that he will get through this, the professionals are there to care for him- you might even consider that to be an extra level of reassurance to know that he's being looked after.

Sod what your mother in law thinks- your children need this break,and your own mental well-being needs to be considered, because your children have only you to rely on.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 23:15

I know it sounds harsh to say "fuck him" but the fact is the OP has said he did the same last year. That sounds manipulative. He is in hospital and he's safe there. He should be caring for her and telling her to go on a break while he's safe. He's not. He wants the whole family to revolve around him.

OP, you know on an aircraft they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help anyone else. If you don't have a break when he's in hospital, you will never have a break. And then what happens? You get so low you think of leaving your children. That is not right and I'm so angry on your behalf. Caring for another adult is one of the most difficult things you can do. You now have to care for yourself, too.

Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:17

LizzieVereker you have that so spot on .

OP posts:
HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:18

Are you in his head? "Fuck him "about some one ill is verging on disablist in my book. You can go on holiday and separate from someone and have compassion no need to be a bitch about it

Redglitter · 09/08/2015 23:20

Please don't think he does it on purpose . I suffer from crippling anxiety and agrophobia. I was on a short holiday recently and tbh it was a total ordeal. Going into restaurants and shops were totally over whelming. It's horrible. Possibly being hospitalised is his way of coping. He feels safe there. I can understand that. There are only a couple of places I feel safe.

Go on holiday. But please don't give up on him. Given the choice I bet he'd be on holiday with you

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:23

I guess saying they do it on purpose helps dehumanised and allows for "Fuck him" guilt free disablist shitty behaviour though.