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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sick of my hubby,s illness

106 replies

aprilanne · 09/08/2015 22:30

I feel terrible for saying this but .i am so sick of my hubby,s illness severe mental health problem,s .we have been invited away with our eldest son,s partner on holiday .hubby won,t go fair enough he hates socialising /holiday,s .
I am due to go with our other two son,s it,s on the 29th for a week .my hubby is now in the bloody physciartric ward of our local hospital again .this happened last year when we were due to go holiday again .i am beginning to think he does this on purpose so we get no where . He gets invited refuses tells us to go then takes ill .i have had this for 16 years .in and out of hospital in a lot of ways he is a good hubby always provided finacially .i have never doubted his fidelity once .My mum used to say who the hell but you would have him but thats another story .i know he has difficulty,s high functioning autism ..think dylan from the drama casualty then you get the picture .
My life and the childrens are dictated by his moods/ mad behaviour obsessions .
I know i sound a cow but i have no support his parent,s refuse to believe he is ill .my mum who was my only support died two year ago so i have no one to talk to .I am scared for my youngest son who also has autism i am scared he will be like his dad in and out of mental institutions i am nearing my silver wedding anniversary i am 44 and have another possibly 40 years of this .sorry for the rant .

OP posts:

CarrotVan · 10/08/2015 10:55

Contact the hospital and tell them that you're taking the opportunity to take the kids away for a few days.

Ignore his mother - and definitely stop the weekly visits

Get a carers assessment for yourself via Social Services. You might be able to access all sorts of support for you and your kids.

Talk to his care team about the impact on you. Tell them you are at breaking point and for your own sanity and for your children you cannot continue like this. Ask for their help in finding a therapist who will mediate discussions between you and your husband about your relationship in the future.

You have done brilliantly but you can't carry everything forever so start shedding the unnecessary stressors (like his mother)

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 10/08/2015 11:52

Please go on the holiday Op. Your children need you rested and able. Two worn out parents will not be good.

So much of this sounds familiar. My Dfil has depression. Whilst not quite on the same scale, he is also displaying manipulative behaviour and expecting us all to rally round and support him. He's never been a loving supportive father figure yet now all of a sudden he's our responsibility. He won't take his medication properly and makes no effort to help himself. Dh is very stressed out by it all. I'm actually taking some of these suggestions on board myself.

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 11:59

The disablist attitudes of many so called carers on this thread is very sad. I have reported the thread and I hope others do too.

minkGrundy · 10/08/2015 12:07

My life and the childrens are dictated by his moods/ mad behaviour obsessions .

This is what really jumped out at me OP.
He is ill. But this still isn't right.

I am glad you are going on holiday.

Hopefully he will also see that it is right for you to go. His illness prevents him from going and that is fair enough but I hope he understands you need a break.

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 13:03

howd I don't think that a fair comment.

I think sometimes when some one has an MH illness it can consume a whole family and everybody has to live in its shadow. I genuinly don't think that spouses and children should have to forfeit their whole lives for the sake of one person. I was nine when I moved to my DF from my mothers and it was like a ton of bricks of my back.

I feel really sorry for the OP. I don't think a lot of people know how it feels to live with someone who has MH. When people are ill they tend to take medication and get better. They get fixed. But Long term MH isnt like that, every single day is tinged with it till you have an episode.

. It sounds like the OP has lost her DH to this condition and is now just his carer she is only 44 and is still young. Depression is a terrible illness not just on the patient but also on the family which I think gets ignored.

Hope you have a good holiday op

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 13:06

Your post about the lifestyle of a family has nothing to do with disablist comments made on this thread.

bigbumtheory · 10/08/2015 13:08

You are not terrible or a cow OP. You sound like you need a break, like you an the kids need some time to relax and rejuvenate.

Go on holiday.Tell his mother you are going and let her play the martyr- it sounds like she only gives a damn when he can show people she is!

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 13:11

I don't see anything disablist. I see people at the end of their tethers in need of support and some empathy, not condemnation.

Original poster

aprilanne · 10/08/2015 13:13

thankyou all .i phoned his mental health nurse this morning she is going to contact his hospital ward to see about his on going care while i take the boys away .I told her i feel terrible but really need a week of doing nothing .well apart from holiday activities She was not judgemental she told me everyone has a breaking point .She said she is going to recommend us to family therapy .seemingly it looks at the impact the persons illness has on the whole family .there will be a waiting list but there always is with the nhs .but yes i probably do need to think where do we go from here as a couple .

OP posts:

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 13:16

how which ones do you feel are disablist?

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 13:18

op take that therapy! I wish it has been offered to our family years ago.

When you get back you will be refreshed and ready to help

DuchessofAnkh · 10/08/2015 13:25

One thing that stood out for me was that his mother would make you feel guilty for going away if you went. You realize why this is OP don't you? - It's because if you up and leave he will become her responsibility again, so she need you to stay with him, hence the guilt trips....

I've not read the thread thoroughly so apologies if this has already been said...

FryOneFatManic · 10/08/2015 13:35

OP, It's good you're taking the chance of a break, and do accept that therapy.

I also think you should indeed think about your relationship. It's not right that you seem to be writing your life off when you're younger than me. Yes, your DH has an illness, but you also need to feel supported and cared for and this relationship sounds like it no longer meets your needs. It's not bad to say you can no longer cope with his illness, especially as you have no support.

And ignore any guilt-tripping from his mum. She doesn't want to have to take him on, so she's laying it all on you.

LizzieVereker · 10/08/2015 13:38

I'm so glad you've been offered some help OP .

I think it's so difficult to discuss MH issues publicly, both for sufferers and for carers. There is so much stigma and misunderstanding still. I know that no-one would ever choose to have depression, or other MH disorders, and that the sufferers have it worst. And I can see why people would say "if they had MS or cancer, no-one would advise their partner to leave" .

But I also get completely where Glittery is coming from. Part of the nature of SOME MH disorders is that the sufferer is oblivious to or unable to see anything but their own needs, and as a carer, that's hard. My Dad was downright abusive and a danger to others when he was manic, and unable to do anything but sit and cry when he was depressed. I know he couldn't help it (and I know not all people with MH conditions are the same), but it affected every moment of our lives. It was hard to separate what was his illness and what was him just being unpleasant - perhaps it was all the illness, it just broke him.

But I do know that I would have greatly appreciated a safe place like MN to have a little vent and say "poor me, it's shit" once in a while, whilst he was ill. I think carers should be allowed to do that on here without being called disabilist. Because I'm pretty sure that most will then log off and carry on caring, day in day out.

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2015 13:39

I don't see anything disablist on this thread.
No-one knows how hard it can be living with and caring for someone who has an on-going, serious mental illness unless they have done it. It does impact on the whole family and carers need respite and support, as do the children.

It isn't the fault of the person who is ill, but that doesn't negate the terrible toll it takes on everyone else.

IME families get very little support and help. Once the carer breaks down and the children develop anxiety and depression as a result of their environment, everything gets much worse.

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 13:46

I Don't think there are either but that particular poster is now on another thread about Being a martyrmaking remarks about disablist careers

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 14:02

Ah, a stalker exaggerating the content of one short post on another thread.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 10/08/2015 14:04

It's the same thing as parents with DC with SN isn't it, having DC with SN doesn't magically transform people into a strong wonderful parent, you're just the same person, the same as people with disabilities are just still people. Some people are kind and generous, some can just be selfish and horrible and we shouldn't be afraid to separate and condemn innate bad behaviour from difficult behaviour caused by illness or MH issues. Having said that though, it's not all black and white as certain illnesses, physical or MH, can have an impact on your behaviour ( I know I can be very self centred when I have a flare up as you just are thinking about yourself all the time, it's the nature of the beast.) people shouldn't be afraid though to have these discussions.

Op, if you could get some counselling and therapy on your own it may be very helpful, in conjunction with the family therapy, to unpick if his behaviour is solely caused by his illness, or if actually, he just has some unpleasant traits which would exist anyway. At least then you can decide what you can live with and if there is anything to be changed to make your life easier. You sound very unhappy and beaten down.

I really hope you get to go on holiday, OP, as PP said, he actually is in the safest place for now.

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 14:06

Not stalking how it's just your random post stood out. The threads are active and many posters go on the the same thread.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 10/08/2015 14:06

It's not helpful to OP to derail this thread is it, can't we just provide support to someone who sounds very distresssed?

Original poster

aprilanne · 10/08/2015 14:20

my hubbys nurse said to me that mental illness .his depression/ anxiety and borderline personality disorder .is a very self centered illness because all they see are themselves .his autism does,nt make it any easier .he cannot see that others cannot cope with time obbsession .you do not have to be at an airport 4 hrs before you fly .there is no need to keep all your reciepts from the last 25 year .we have a office size filing cabinet in our bedroom with random reciepts from past junk .what you thought was quirky when you were a teenager /young woman growing up .is just bloody madness is middle age

OP posts:

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 14:29

I am looking into Autism at the moment OP. What may be of interest to you is PDA, pathological demand avoidance. It's a condition on the Autistic spectrum and currently only diagnosed in children. I believe they are looking at creating a diagnostic criteria for adults.

starlight2007 · 10/08/2015 14:47

I am so glad you spoke to the ward and the staff are supportive.. Yes there will be a waiting list but at list you can be on it.

I think this holiday will do you the world of good and give you chance to refocus and have to move forward.

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 15:50

Have a wonderful holiday, OP, and some hard thinking when you get home about what's best for you and your children.

lucretiab · 10/08/2015 15:50

I think the answer lies in those last details op. Having a borderline personality disorder is a very VERY different issue to dealing with ASD. You definitely need help to pick apart what you can and cannot reasonably expect from him going forward.

BPD by itself is reason enough to be rethinking your future. ..iI think.

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