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Original poster

sick of my hubby,s illness

106 replies

aprilanne · 09/08/2015 22:30

I feel terrible for saying this but .i am so sick of my hubby,s illness severe mental health problem,s .we have been invited away with our eldest son,s partner on holiday .hubby won,t go fair enough he hates socialising /holiday,s .
I am due to go with our other two son,s it,s on the 29th for a week .my hubby is now in the bloody physciartric ward of our local hospital again .this happened last year when we were due to go holiday again .i am beginning to think he does this on purpose so we get no where . He gets invited refuses tells us to go then takes ill .i have had this for 16 years .in and out of hospital in a lot of ways he is a good hubby always provided finacially .i have never doubted his fidelity once .My mum used to say who the hell but you would have him but thats another story .i know he has difficulty,s high functioning autism ..think dylan from the drama casualty then you get the picture .
My life and the childrens are dictated by his moods/ mad behaviour obsessions .
I know i sound a cow but i have no support his parent,s refuse to believe he is ill .my mum who was my only support died two year ago so i have no one to talk to .I am scared for my youngest son who also has autism i am scared he will be like his dad in and out of mental institutions i am nearing my silver wedding anniversary i am 44 and have another possibly 40 years of this .sorry for the rant .

OP posts:
Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:28

thanks everyone its good to talk as the bt advert says . red glitter i know a lot of it is anxiety .god at christmas /birthdays he spends the day pottering about in his garage .the children dont know any better they have always known it just us 4 at celebration times ,god it sounds really mad when i write it down .my three sons just say is dad having a turn .

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 09/08/2015 23:30

aprilanne I hope it helps that someone else gets how you feel, I'm just sorry I don't have any "how to fix it" advice for you. I think Imperial's oxygen mask analogy is really helpful - you need to be well for him and for your children if you're going to keep going. I wish my Mum had put herself and me Blush first, just occasionally. It might also have helped us look after Dad better, if we'd had a bit more respite.

Redglitter, I truly hope I haven't offended you. I know in my heart that my Dad didn't want to let us down, or get sick on purpose. It was just hard to live with sometimes. We did stick with him. But I am very sorry if my words hurt you, I know no-one would choose to have a MH condition.

measles64 · 09/08/2015 23:31

Please do not take this the wrong way, you say you are fed up many years of this but you do not feel you can leave. Do you think that this possibly makes you an enabler in his illness? This article and the comments explains it far better than I can.
www.psychforums.com/living-with-mental-illness/topic40154.html

minkGrundy · 09/08/2015 23:37

It isn't his fault he has MH issues and it is not your fault either OP.

Take your holiday. He will be looked after.

Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:39

measles i am probably tired and not getting the article .but do you mean i am being a martyr that i am sticking this out because it makes me feel better to do the right thing .or because i am looking after him i am actually not forcing him to look after himself .and no i wont take offence

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 09/08/2015 23:40

"Are you in his head? "Fuck him "about some one ill is verging on disablist in my book."

Have you ever had to live with someone with this condition?

Being with someone who is depressed is very hard. The OP is allowed to let off steam and clearly needs a break.

I work with someone who has bipolar and have to tread on eggshells every time I deal with him. Imagine having to live with someone and walk on eggshells all the time.

It is distressing for the patient and also for the carer. She deserves a break.

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:44

Has one person stated op doesn't need a break or that being a carer is easy? No they haven't so what is your point?

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 23:44

I, too, have lived with a husband with terrible depression. It was the most depressing period of my life but I had to care for him and for the children. Nobody was caring for me.

I appreciate that "fuck him" sounds hard - it's more of a figure of speech. I meant that the OP should start to put herself first. She's caring for the whole family; he doesn't seem to be caring for anyone. Her MIL is neither use nor ornament and is making her situation worse. I meant, "Come on now, put yourself first rather than letting him and your MIL decide what you will do."

I apologise for any offence but the OP did say he does this every year when she wants to go away. Why shouldn't she have a break?

Redglitter · 09/08/2015 23:44

Lizzie You didn't offend me at all. It's hard to understand but things like Christmas, holidays, even going out for dinner are so stressful. I was on holiday with my nieces this week. I was ill leading up to it and had to increase my meds and take diazapam just to take them for ice cream sundaes one afternoon.

It's so bloody hard trying to live with this whether it's you who's suffering or whether you're a family member

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:46

Op it's the same game as "alcoholic" just enjoy your holiday and if you want to be single tell the hospital to release him into his Mum's care upon your return.

measles64 · 09/08/2015 23:46

"measles i am probably tired and not getting the article .but do you mean i am being a martyr that i am sticking this out because it makes me feel better to do the right thing .or because i am looking after him i am actually not forcing him to look after himself .and no i wont take offence"

I think perhaps it is a combination of you being an over giver, also not making him take control/responsibility of his own life. Also his Mother who you allow to make you feel bad, which absolves her of any responsibility. I feel you are being manipulated, but it has gone on for so long that you have slowly sunk into this way of life. Yes you need a break, but you also need to think long and hard about the rest of your life.

kandykat · 09/08/2015 23:47

Go on the holiday
You need it

And tell him your seriously considering leAving

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/08/2015 23:50

I suffer from terrible anxiety. I've also had unrelated extended hospital stays. My attitude is that I am ducking out of RL. But RL goes on. If I loved someone then I would want them to be happy and if I was sat in hospital with no visitors then so be it. It's glum but necessary. I read, I listened to the radio, I chatted to other patients. Days passed and I slept a lot.
Go. If his parents think he's well then let them have him. You haven't had him committed. It's not Dallas.

Redglitter · 09/08/2015 23:50

Telling him she's considering leaving is not going to help things. Especially not just before she goes on holiday without him

Samcro · 09/08/2015 23:51

his Mother had no responsibility.he is an adult Married to op for years.
He has MH issues that by the sound of it the op new about all that time.
shock horror. those issues some times disrupt family life.....
that doesnt make him a bad person.
OP take the break. if he is in hospital and you don't feel you need to be near him, go away. and have a break.

kandykat · 09/08/2015 23:52

You don't know that for. A fact
Everyone's different

Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:52

measles64 i cannot argue you are probably correct .

OP posts:
HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 23:57

Normally I wouldn't suggest palming off on his Mum in this case I do. The Mum is lazy expecting to be visited and doing no visiting, expecting too much from op, then rocks up at hospital behaving like Mother Teresa.

Original poster
aprilanne · 09/08/2015 23:59

samcro you are right he is not a bad person just a very ill one .he has asked for electic shock treatment under general anisthetic seemingly its got good ratings for stability for a long period of time .sorry cost to much money .what about rapid eye movement therapy sorry it costs money .but hear take all these tablets they help .not .

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 10/08/2015 00:00

I can completely see why holidays/ family birthdays etc. would be overwhelming redglitter - the extra fuss, noise, unfamiliar environments, more people to please, the idea that everyone should be having a great time, and then the idea that because you are poorly you're stopping from everyone having a great time, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, a cycle of guilt and anxiety. Anxiety and depression are such evil bastards, I used to wish I could pull them out of my Dad's head for him and strangle them!

aprilanne I think it's OK, in fact it's important, to have a vent about how you and the DCs are affected too. I know your DH can't help it but nor can you. You're a person too,and you're allowed some peace too. And it's OK to say you need a break whilst he's being looked after. It's OK to be angry about the hand life has dealt you. And having a vent a and a break will help you support DH too (if you want to.)

measles64 · 10/08/2015 00:02

I find it very sad that the age of 44 you have no physical relationship with your DH, which relegates you basically from what you say to the role of care giver for decades to come. I do feel you are too young to give up any hope of happiness. I know you worry about your son as well but unless you take care of yourself and are healthily selfish, how can you best help him.

Redglitter · 10/08/2015 00:02

I think your dad is very lucky Lizzie it sounds like you have a good understanding of things. I guess that's come with time and experience Thanks

Original poster
aprilanne · 10/08/2015 00:03

howDdo while i dont expect her to look after him .a phone call now and again would be nice .and yes visiting every sunday for the last 25 years .god it sound,s so stupid when i say it out loud

OP posts:
LazyLohan · 10/08/2015 00:03

Please go on the holiday OP. My Mum cares for my Dad who has a physical illness. It's vital that carers get some 'time off' for their own help. You sound like you need it, he is being looked after so now is probably the best time to go and not have to worry. Fuck his mother. When she is prepared to help with the caring then she can have an opinion on his care.

Some of the other posts I this thread are vile, particularly Imperial's, she should be ashamed of herself.

He has an illness. Would you say 'fuck him' and accuse him of manipulation if it was cancer or MS? Given the state of mental health services at the moment, if he's an in patient then he's pretty damn I'll.

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 00:05

Op - my mother did this in every significant birthday of mine and my brothers. 16,18,21

Go on the holiday.

I've been NC with my mother for 15 years because I swear she enjoyed her illness

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