sick of my hubby,s illness

[aprilanne]

I feel terrible for saying this but .i am so sick of my hubby,s illness severe mental health problem,s .we have been invited away with our eldest son,s partner on holiday .hubby won,t go fair enough he hates socialising /holiday,s .
I am due to go with our other two son,s it,s on the 29th for a week .my hubby is now in the bloody physciartric ward of our local hospital again .this happened last year when we were due to go holiday again .i am beginning to think he does this on purpose so we get no where . He gets invited refuses tells us to go then takes ill .i have had this for 16 years .in and out of hospital in a lot of ways he is a good hubby always provided finacially .i have never doubted his fidelity once .My mum used to say who the hell but you would have him but thats another story .i know he has difficulty,s high functioning autism ..think dylan from the drama casualty then you get the picture .
My life and the childrens are dictated by his moods/ mad behaviour obsessions .
I know i sound a cow but i have no support his parent,s refuse to believe he is ill .my mum who was my only support died two year ago so i have no one to talk to .I am scared for my youngest son who also has autism i am scared he will be like his dad in and out of mental institutions i am nearing my silver wedding anniversary i am 44 and have another possibly 40 years of this .sorry for the rant .

The OP had said that he was manipulative - she said she thought he did it on purpose.

yes measles that makes me sad .he is the only partner i have ever had i certainly did,nt expect it to die a death at our age .

You sound completely downtrodden OP..

I think you need to go on holiday and see how you can move things forward.

This sounds like you are now just his carer, you can continue to be his carer and move on with your life.

I think a break away is just what you need..Obviously your children do need to be taken into account but you are entitled to a life.

I have had a partner with MH issues and actually by the end he didn't care about me. I was his carer who he simply wanted me to make his life better.

I am not saying this is the case here but some distance will do you good.

As for his mum she has no right to tell you what to do infact the fact she will visit him daily means he does have visitors

lazy IME my mothers illness robbed me and my brother of a child hood. It consumed the whole family and it was oppressive. my mother spent my whole childhood being ill and trying to kill herself - but funnily enough is still alive to this day.

thankyou everyone you have gave me a lot to think about .i will contact his hospital team tommorow to make sure about care .but you are all correct my sons and i probably need this break .

Please take the holiday OP. Caring is very hard work, and you do need some time on your own to recover and to put yourself first for a while.

I sympathise with you op but some of the comments here are down right nasty. No wonder mental illness is such a stigma. If I had a broken leg, cancer or ms would you be saying i was "doing it on purpose"? Maybe if you can see an illness its OK?

I will never underestimate the impact my mental health problems have had on my dp. It must be awful but still I don't think there would be the same responses if the ops oh had cancer..

I have a friend who suffers with MH. Just before he started getting better, he told me that his wife had given him an ultimatum - to start taking his treatment and recovery more seriously or she would leave - it actually helped him to do just that. I do not know the details of his illlness or treatment except he had been signed off work with severe depression for at least seven years. You should see your gp and ask for support in capacity of his carer as well - there may be some resources for you. Although of course you are absolutely right that mental health patients get a raw deal in the nhs. It's enough to make your blood boil. It seems like your DH just gets fobbed off with tablets, whereas my friend has had both counselling and group therapy.

There is a middle ground between 'fuck him' and accepting that this is the way it has to be.
OP, take the holiday and use the time to create a list of boundaries/actions to take so that you can best support your husband but most importantly yourself.
Request involvement from his mother if she is so quick to criticise your actions. Give her a concrete list of helpful things she could do like visiting with him to give you a break or helping with the kids or whatever.

Perhaps you might get a better feeling of control if you can set these boundaries, and as others have suggested request a carer's assessment etc.

Release him from the obligation of attending things he doesn't want to. This may ease his overall anxiety somewhat. If he doesn't want to go, fine, you and the kids go without making a fuss over him.
Good luck OP and enjoy your holiday.

Am I the only person who saw that the OP's DH is autistic? In which case his illness probably does stem from the holiday, but doesn't mean he's doing it on purpose. The stress of the impending change in routine would probably be a big contributor to the change in his mental health.

Having said that, probably the best solution would be for the OP to go on holiday and leave the DH behind. The fear of the unknown is probably one of the worst aspects of the OP going away, once it has happened this first time, he might cope better with future holidays!

OP, as others have said, you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

My dh has bipolar so spends some time in hospital every year. I would have absolutely no problem going on holidays while he is there. It's a perfect time to go. He is in safe hands. Look on it like respite. Your first priority has to be to look after yourself. I found with my dhs illness that the more l looked after myself the more the whole family benefitted. With all due respects it's nothing to do with his mum. Pick one sentence like lm sorry you feel that way and keep saying it to her but STILL GO. You have full permission to go. You don't need her approval. I also found that doing something different that maybe l wouldn't have done in the past empowered me and gave me more strength and better self esteem. You are doing nothing wrong. Your dh is in respite care for a week while you have a rest. That is a very normal this.ng to do. No big deal. Enjoy the holiday.

YANBU to be sick of it, you've been an absolute saint to stick it out for so long. Please go on holiday for the sake of your own sanity. Then find something for yourself outside this marriage to give you some perspective. I expect there's some kind of carers support group you could join. Also a hobby of some kind that's nothing to do with your family situation, you need a distraction. Your life can't revolve around him, you need something for yourself. FWIW, I expect he's thoroughly sick of it too.

April you sound exhausted. DH is safe and cared for in hospital put yourself and the boys first. Go and have your holiday the break will do you all good. Then come back refreshed and with a clearer mind.
Funding for MH issues is very poor at certainly not an NHS priority. When you get back you need to have a blunt talk with your husband's doctor and make it clear that you can no longer cope.

Cancer and MH are not the same. I'm
Sorry but thy are not.

op I think you should read depression fall out.

OP. You are a carer and therefore entitled to a carer's assessment by social services. Get in touch with them and ask if there is something like a carers' gateway organisation in your area. You need support.

I agree that you should think in terms of this hospital admission as respite care for your DH; you and your DC need to have a break.

My dad had serious MH problems and was sectioned a few times. He was an absolute nightmare to live with and I completely understand how you and your DC are suffering. That is in no way to minimise your DH's problems - but everything needs to be managed in a way that affords the whole family some rest and recuperation.

After several holidays being ruined by dad simply packing up and abandoning us on the second day (usually driving home in the car, leaving my mother with no transport and no money) my mother just used to arrange short breaks without him. It was just easier. We used to go away for a few days with a friend whose husband was much older than her and needed full time nursing care. She was grateful for the company.

As for your MIL - she sounds demanding and manipulative. Ignore her - she is only making your lives worse and adding to your stress.

Go on holiday with your sons and enjoy the break. Don't even try to arrange holidays including your DH - he can't cope with holidays so this will happen every time.

I have joined a carers' support group and I find it very helpful. Can you see if there is anything similar in your area?

Someone early on mentioned compassion fatigue, you need this break OP .

And when you return if I were you I would think about cutting back on visiting MIL so frequently, she makes no concessions for her DS's illness, involvement's a one-way street where she's concerned. That time spent on a weekly journey could be better spent doing something nice for yourself.

Have your break love, you totally deserve it. Tell his mum what you've said here. It's totally legitimate for you and the kids to have a break. YANBU

Bloody hell OP poor you!

Please have a break... You must be warn out. I see it as its very convenient for everyone else (MIL, nhs, socserv, and society) to take total responsibility for your OH, and by default having no life of your own.

Please ask for a carers' assessment.

Also when he's in a better space i would do what robotic suggests... Make a deal:

You will only continue to help as long as he is committed to getting better.

Write down what this means for you (eg OH will attend weekly therapy sessions, take his meds on time etc etc).

You only have one life OP-you deserve more than this!

Good luck!

Meant: for YOU to take total responsibility

I find this thread so sad. Op go on holidays, you totally deserve it and to be honest it sounds like the perfect opportunity to clear your head and to take stock of your life. I think your "in sickness and in health" attitude is very commendable but, in my opinion, even the sickness & in health vow has it's limits, you can support someone in illness as a friend too. You are friends living together, you could continue to support your husband as a friend while living apart, but you would have a break, a life for you, a chance to move on and not be 44, in a companionship and so deeply unhappy. You are far to young to be this sad, please take the holiday and use the time to think. You can do the right/commendable thing while looking after your needs and your life too

*iamthedevil" You do know ASD is a life long condition that can't be "made better"

There is a middle ground between sacrificing yourself entirely and leaving him.
Go on the holiday, and when you get back think about how you can improve your and the kids lives without necessarily abandoning him - if you don't want to.

Tell mil that you are nearing the end of your tether and that you need support from her or you will go under and possibly have to leave him. See if that shocks her into action. Does dh enjoy the Sunday visiting? Perhaps you could leave him there for the day and get a well earned break then. You and the kids do things you want to. If he's not bothered about visiting his mother then cut the visits down and/or insist she visits you.

Detach your self emotionally, in the sense that while you love him you are not responsible for how he is. It is important that he gets support- but not to the detriment of your and the kids happiness. Perhaps you need to think about the kids needs more. You have got in the habit of everything revolving round dh. That may not be the healthiest way of approaching things. Perhaps do some reading around carers mental health.

You are right, that this may be how it is for the next 40 years. You need to put your needs into the equation so that all your mental health needs are met. Dh might not like some of the changes but if the alternative is you cracking under the pressure and leaving, then he needs to accept it. If at any point you can't cope and need to get out of the relationship, then there is no shame in that. Many people would have gone a long time ago. You should be proud of how you have coped so far. Now you need to consider yours and the kids needs too.

OP, I think you should go on the holiday. Let the ward know that you will be away and that they can contact his DM if they have any concerns.

I agree that it might be a good idea to use that time to think about whether you want to remain in the relationship but I do not agree with pp that you should "tell him you are seriously considering leaving". What purpose could that possibly serve other than to increase the anxiety for which he has been hospitalised? Do people think that the threat of divorce will make OP's DH cure himself? While I fully sympathise with the OP's situation and do not think anyone should stay in an unhappy relationship out of duty, I am saddened by some of the responses here. If the OP's DH was in hospital with a physical illness I very much doubt anyone would be telling her she should tell him she was thinking of leaving and then disappear on holiday for a couple of weeks with that threat hanging in the air.

It's actually very common for people with serious mental health issues to relapse at certain times of the year or in response to certain events. It doesn't mean they are " doing it on purpose" or that they are "manipulative".

Inpatient mental health beds are so scarce in this country, there are people who need a bed who simply can't get one, people having to be admitted to wards hundreds of miles from home etc. For OP's DH to be in hospital he must have a legitimate, serious, mental health need. I'm surprised that some people think you can get admitted on a whim because you'd rather not go on holiday and fancy a couple of weeks of mollycoddling in hospital

I wish my mother had left my father TBH. He would have been happier because he simply couldn't cope with having a wife and family.
We would all have been far happier in the long run.