DH. Drink driving. Facebook. This one has it all!

[monkeyfacegrace]

Im fucking LIVID with DH.

He went out for a meal last night. Came home at 11pm, and I got hit by the smell of beer straight away.

He said initally he had 4 pints with a big meal over the evening, today he has changed that to 3 pints.

Im literally fucking steaming. Im no goody goody, I drink like a fish, but Id NEVER consider getting behind a wheel.

What makes it worse is that it was a performance car he was driving, and he depends on his license for his job.

So, as well as possibly killing himself and others, he also risked his job, his home, everything. He had to come home rurally too, and the chances of hitting a deer or another animal at that time was increased. Not to mention teenagers hanging around during summer holidays.

Can you tell Im mad?

Anyway, I just let rip, publically, on facebook. He still doesnt think he has done much wrong and that Im over reacting. So Ive blasted him publically. I hope his boss reads it and I hope he is FUCKING MORTIFIED.

Its almost a deal breaker for me.

Anyway, Im wondering whether Ive made myself look like a twat for using facebook to shame him. Should I remove it?

Rightho, if this actually happened then here's the thing, if you are genuinely angry at him for drunk driving you'd have called the police, not ranted on FB.

Never put stuff like this on FB, it just makes you look like a loon, even if you have a point.

There's obviously more going on in your relationship than this. So you've supported him through cancer. How has that affected your relationship, it must have been very stressful all round. Could it be that you feel you've supported him through something so major and rather than spending this extra time he's been give with you he's spending it with colleagues? Otherwise I'm not sure why you mentioned it.

I'm not saying you're not right to be livid. My DH also needs a license for work and if he ever drove under the influence I'd tear him a new one, but it seems like you're using this as an excuse to be mad at him over something else.

ffs he has just messaged me saying he wasnt drunk and im over reacting.

How the fuck did I marry someone so thick as shit.

tbh I think that some of the posters telling the OP to stop being hysterical and to calm down need to calm down a bit themselves - have you never been so furious about something that you do something ott?

OP, I would be fucking fuming too. Sounds like he's always an arrogant tosser, and this is the final straw, yes? IT's the lack of contrition that would bother me I think, almost more than the act itself. Your OP read (to me) as though you'd posted something on your own FB page along the lines of "DH drove home drunk last night, fucking idiot I'm fuming" or along those lines. I don't think that a comment on the boss's status is nearly so bad as that - especially as from the sounds of things your dh wouldn't be the only one who drank and drove home and the boss is unlikely to take a dim view or cause trouble of such behaviour.

Four pints in three hours? And people think he may have been ok to drive? Really?!? Especially if it was a strongish lager, Stella for eg. I find that hard to believe.

It's as if you have your fingers in your ears humming 'la-la-la, I'm not listening'. It's not the op who is doing that...

The OP clearly wasn't bothered enough to call the Police, which might actually have made a real difference. But what would they have done? He was home. they cannot do anything to him with regards to drink driving because they haven't caught him in the act. OK, the car maybe warm, but that doesn't prove the dh drove it home.

Police will just tell her to call them next time he does it & then "if they have the man power, they will send a car along his proposed route & see if he is driving in an uncontrolled & unsafe manner which would warrant being pulled over" I speak of experience when I tried to shop a guy who used to drink drive home from a pub I worked at!

He never got caught, because they never had the man power to follow it up!

It is not the OP's 'fault' whatever her husband does or doesn't do. He's an autonomous adult and makes his own decisions. Including about drink driving.

What she can focus is what she wants to do with the knowledge that he has drove over the limit. But until she calms down she can't do that. All she's doing is lashing out at mo. Which is making her look immature and out of control and seems to be having zero effect on likelihood of her DH doing it/ not doing it again.

The DH has not actually killed or harmed anyone fortunately, so I think OP can try to deal with this in a much more mature manner.

No phantom, I'm not. Not at all.

What the OP has done may not be 'harmless" either. It could cost her DH his job, which was one of the things she was cross with him for potentially doing

If people becoming aware of an action causes a negative reaction then it is still the fault of the person who engaged in the action.

You clearly don't like him, why are you with him OP?

Boss has posted about a night out. Not a work thing. Presumably boss has made this post public or visible to his friends or friends of friends because op can see it and boss is well aware of what happened. Or maybe he is not aware of the drink driving but was aware of the drinking. Either way, this was a social night out where the boss is a mate, not a work thing because if it had been work function the company as employer could bear some liability for the employee's behaviour if they encouraged or condoned it.

If it had just been the op's dh's mates would that have been ok? Is it not ok because it is his boss? She's not giving info the boss didn't or couldn't have been aware of. She is criticising the behaviour of all of them; her dh for doing it and the rest of them for allowing/condoning/ignoring the behaviour.

Oh dont be ridiculous. Im with him because I love him.

Im not sure I can forgive drink driving though.

paulapompom No worries.

Saying if the op cared she would have called the police is a ludicrous conclusion. Calling the police could potentially have had disasterous consequences for the op and her family.

The op wants her dh to see that his behaviour was unacceptable. She wants him to stop the behaviour and has made the decision the best way to do this is to encourage him through social pressure. Presumably because that has the least negative repercussions for her and her family and possibly a greater chance of achieving her aim.

It sounds as if this was just the tip of the iceberg for you OP. Is your DH a bit of a drinker generally? Is there a bit of a laddish drink culture at work?

He drove home drunk. In my book that means he is an absolutely vile and pathetic excuse for an adult.

Since then, he has been very dismissive of your concerns and refuses to acknowledge that there is even a problem.

I'm afraid that I would be seriously reconsidering my marriage if faced with the above, particularly if this is not the first occasion.

Posting on FB was not ideal but I can kind of understand why you did it. Frustration and anger probably. If this has been building up for some time then you are probably also fearful of what the future now holds for you and your DCs.

What you wanted to happen (i.e presumably him being very remorseful and apologetic and taking time to sit down with you and examine what occurred last night), hasn't happened.

He clearly doesn't care and sees no need to try and change things. He seems to be more concerned about his image at work 'with the lads' than he does of your opinions.

So what next for you?

An ultimatum or last change scenario?

You love him?! Are you shitting me?! You've publicly humiliated him to his boss and presumably his colleagues, you call him thick as shit, yet you love him? Actual cognitive dissonance at work.

What SnakeyMcBadass said.

Will you ranting on FB be worth it if he does lose his job? your kids will suffer then. Nothing happened last night. He was lucky. But you could make things a million times worse.

She is criticising the behaviour of all of them; her dh for doing it and the rest of them for allowing/condoning/ignoring the behaviour.

I don't know how she knows that they allowed/condoned/ignored the behaviour though. They might be completely oblivious to it beyond the fact that he had a few pints over a meal.

Leaving aside the Facebook issue, this would be a dealbreaker for me

If he was filled with remorse and swore to never do it again that would be one thing, but to defend what he did? There is no way I could get past that level of arrogance

Yanbu to be so mad.

Yavvvvvvvvvvvu to put such a thing on fb. That'd be as much of a deal breaker for me actually. He made a very stupid decision. .but it's like you're trying to get him sacked!

Oh they knew. They are a typical bloke team, all laddish and think nothing of going to the pub at lunchtime. They used to have mugs of red wine on their desks instead of tea ffs.

And no, DH isnt a drinker at all.

Thats why Im so surprised and shocked at his complete cuntness.

But until she calms down she can't do that ovenchips Then why don't we help her calm down? Why don't we help her get to a place where she can properly process this, instead of calling her hysterical, a loon, a tit etc.

Why don't we listen to the op, instead of acting like her dh & not listening to her & calling her names? She is faced with ignorance at home, and on venting in a an adult environment (here) she gets the same!

You know that calling people offensive names is bullying, right? Perhaps if op had received some support, some proper support, instead of being bullied & called names, she would be calmer & she would be listening. She would be more open to listening if her audience were listening to her instead of goading & heckling her.

Instead, the majority on this thread have rounded on her, calling her all sorts, telling her that her dh (who none of us know, by the way) wasn't drunk & she is hysterical!

I'd not be very calm either, to be fair!

But Wayne and Snakey, if he lives her why would he risk his job, income and most crucially his life by taking a stupid and very avoidable risk? OP has loved and supported him through cancer, I think she loves him but is shocked and disappointed he'd do this and not be feeling a bit like he made a mistake. I am not trying to be goady, but I would bet neither of you would drink then drive

They might be completely oblivious to it beyond the fact that he had a few pints over a meal.

And presumably they knew he had to get home and possibly how he got there, that he had the car and even that he might attempt to drive home.

At the end of a night out don't most people either ask or check how people are getting home? If not from some sort of responsibility but for walking to the cab rank or sharing a taxi or walking part of the way together?

I'm amazed too at the opprobrium towards you when your DH was the one risking killing someone. I really hate that people think drinking with dinner is fine - if you look at the guidance it's very hard to say how much booze will affect even a person of the same weight/height on different days as depends on many factors. There is no safe limit, and 3-4 pints certainly isn't it. You're not hysterical. Do I like your methods? Perhaps not. But I understand why you did it. Drink-driving deserves zero tolerance even if it can make us look like tedious nags.