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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH. Drink driving. Facebook. This one has it all!

606 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 07/08/2015 11:04

Im fucking LIVID with DH.

He went out for a meal last night. Came home at 11pm, and I got hit by the smell of beer straight away.

He said initally he had 4 pints with a big meal over the evening, today he has changed that to 3 pints.

Im literally fucking steaming. Im no goody goody, I drink like a fish, but Id NEVER consider getting behind a wheel.

What makes it worse is that it was a performance car he was driving, and he depends on his license for his job.

So, as well as possibly killing himself and others, he also risked his job, his home, everything. He had to come home rurally too, and the chances of hitting a deer or another animal at that time was increased. Not to mention teenagers hanging around during summer holidays.

Can you tell Im mad?

Anyway, I just let rip, publically, on facebook. He still doesnt think he has done much wrong and that Im over reacting. So Ive blasted him publically. I hope his boss reads it and I hope he is FUCKING MORTIFIED.

Its almost a deal breaker for me.

Anyway, Im wondering whether Ive made myself look like a twat for using facebook to shame him. Should I remove it?

OP posts:
PLUtoPlanet · 08/08/2015 09:56

I've just done a word search, and about half a dozen posters have used the word "loon"! Confused

Three posters used "crass".

Penfold007 · 08/08/2015 09:57

OP how are you this morning? Have you told your H the marriage is over?

PLUtoPlanet · 08/08/2015 10:02

.. and about 11 were concerned with airing "dirty" laundry!

Those were more the sorts of posts I was talking about...

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 10:25

I have ripped him a new one. I have gone more nuclear than I ever have before over anything, ever.

Ive said above that I accept I was wrong re facebook. Yes I know that. But he wasnt 'getting it' and I was getting more and more wound up at his complete lack of understanding.

I have, however, decided that I wont be ending the marriage over this. However, and this is a big however, I HAVE to make sure he never repeats this. Next time he could at best lose his income, at worst kill someone.

I have booked him some viewings of flats next week. He is on the sofa. Im not doing any of his laundry/cooking/cleaning. Im not talking one word to him. Im getting lots of begging for forgiveness messages now. Funnily enough, now Ive had the 'you do it too' thing thrown at me, the 'it was the curry making the smell of beer come out in my sweat' (yes really, he said this), the 'it was 4 pints, no 3, no 2.5 as I didnt finish the last one', he has actually admitted it.

He has now said that he isnt very good at admitting when he has been an idiot but he knows it was stupid and will never touch a drop and drive again.

Anyway, Im going to make him view the flats, Ive had calculations of how much child support he will have to pay me and Ive drawn up contact arrangements. Hopefully the shock and reality of what his stupidness could have cost him will give him the shock he needs.

And really, honestly, there was no issues in our marriage before this. Believe what you will, read between the lines, but there really wasnt.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/08/2015 10:35

OP, it would be a good idea to read Vicar's posts and then relay the info to your dh. I know that Vicar knows what she's talking about here.

They can nick you on suspicion, that is they suspect you are over the limit and either have driven or are about to drive.
You don't get the chance to argue the toss about the breathalyser if you're close to the limit.
You can be nicked for being 'drunk in charge', ie not actually driving but in the car with your car keys.

I think that sums it up.

Coconutty · 08/08/2015 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 08/08/2015 10:40

I agree with RJ.

knittingdad · 08/08/2015 10:41

Thanks for helping to keep the rest of us a bit safer. Is appreciated.

Findtheoldme · 08/08/2015 10:43

Red - where is the extra space?

VeniceQueen · 08/08/2015 10:45

Tell him to watch this weeks episode of traffic cops (catch up on bbc I player) which was all about alcohol and driving. One young lad lost his life after drinking in the pub and another two people were disqualified after 'just having a couple of pints' in the pub after work.

sadwidow28 · 08/08/2015 10:58

Well done OP. This is a very brave thing to for you to do. I really am glad that your DH has finally admitted that he did a seriously stupid thing.

I do hope that things settle back to normal over the coming week after you have made your point, and finally got through to him what HE will lose if he does it again.

lushaliciousbob · 08/08/2015 11:09

Take it off Facebook. can't believe some of the things people actually write on facebook! you are as bad as him!

ohtheholidays · 08/08/2015 11:28

Thank you to the ladies that posted me flowers Smile

No sadly he was never caught,I just always hoped that my accident scared the hell out of him enough that he never chose to drink and drive ever again.

I never wanted him caught as some kind of revenge for what happened to me,I just worried that if he did it again that the next poor person might not be as lucky as me.

Good for you OP,you did the right thing and I'm glad that your DH has taken on board what he did wrong.

PLUtoPlanet · 08/08/2015 11:29

Well done, monkeyfacegrace. You've had a lot of extra work and aggro due to this one incident: the initial arguments trying to persuade your H he was wrong; making at least some stand against the boss's arrogance in front of his Facebook "friends", weathering this unbelievable storm on MN and now all the background research about chid maintenance and local flats for rent.

You shouldn't have had to do any of that. Both because

PLUtoPlanet · 08/08/2015 11:29

Well done, monkeyfacegrace. You've had a lot of extra work and aggro due to this one incident: the initial arguments trying to persuade your H he was wrong; making at least some stand against the boss's arrogance in front of his Facebook "friends", weathering this unbelievable storm on MN and now all the background research about chid maintenance and local flats for rent.

You shouldn't have had to do any of that. Both because

PLUtoPlanet · 08/08/2015 11:34

Argh - another incomplete post! Sorry.

  • He and his colleagues shouldn't have set up this dangerous situation in the first place.
  • You might have chosen to do nothing in response... and it speaks well of you that you did try to respond, and in so many ways!

(Just reiterating, for the "anti-dirty laundry brigade": the OP didn't make a post about the drink driving; she responded to a provocatively reckless comment by her H's boss... a comment which the boss has now removed.)

Queenbean · 08/08/2015 11:42

Anyway, Im going to make him view the flats, Ive had calculations of how much child support he will have to pay me and Ive drawn up contact arrangements. Hopefully the shock and reality of what his stupidness could have cost him will give him the shock he needs.

So you're not leaving him, but still going through the motions to make him thing you are. Harsh and childish.

Imagine if a poster wrote here "he pretended he was going to break up with me, making me go and see flats, drawing up contact agreements with the children and now I find out he didn't intend on breaking up with me, it was just to play with me emotions". Everyone would be saying its emotional abuse.

Very harsh on him. You've made your point to him now, let it go and move on. You don't need to be doing this still.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 11:46

Harsh on him? Too fucking right!

He wouldnt be suffering if he hadnt acted like a twat.

It would be harsher on somebody else if he killed someone.

And yes I do need to be still doing this. If I let it go after 24 hours I bet he will do it again.

OP posts:
honestpointofview · 08/08/2015 11:49

Just a quick point from an Employment lawyer. Only this week the Employment Appeals Tribunal allowed an appeal from the British Waterways Board and said it was fair to dismiss the employee. The offences? slagging off his employer on FB and saying he was drinking when on standby.

The EAT said it was fair to dismiss the employee because they lost confidence in him. I think this is the same ..... only a lot worse!

www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKEAT/2015/0004_15_0308.html

Queenbean · 08/08/2015 11:49

But, he didn't kill someone. Nothing happened. What good can come of you acting like this now? You have made your point, he understands how you feel.

If you are SURE that he would act like this again then you obviously have bigger trust issues. I feel sorry for this guy. You sound very controlling.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 11:52

Feel sorry for him all you like. Nobody held him down and poured beer down his neck.

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 08/08/2015 11:52

If someone made me view flats and agree child care arrangements I'd call their bluff.
You're loving this.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/08/2015 11:53

And yes I do need to be still doing this. If I let it go after 24 hours I bet he will do it again.

You know him more than anyone so go for it! Do be careful around children though, not fair on them to witness something they shouldn't!

Bubblesinthesummer · 08/08/2015 11:53

I'm glad that DH has admitted what he did was wrong and won't have a drink when driving.

HOWEVER

The same has to go for you. No glasses of Lambrusco or whatever.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2015 11:54

Loving it? What an odd observation.

I could always do nothing and leave him to it? Would that make MN jury happy?

OP posts: