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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH. Drink driving. Facebook. This one has it all!

606 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 07/08/2015 11:04

Im fucking LIVID with DH.

He went out for a meal last night. Came home at 11pm, and I got hit by the smell of beer straight away.

He said initally he had 4 pints with a big meal over the evening, today he has changed that to 3 pints.

Im literally fucking steaming. Im no goody goody, I drink like a fish, but Id NEVER consider getting behind a wheel.

What makes it worse is that it was a performance car he was driving, and he depends on his license for his job.

So, as well as possibly killing himself and others, he also risked his job, his home, everything. He had to come home rurally too, and the chances of hitting a deer or another animal at that time was increased. Not to mention teenagers hanging around during summer holidays.

Can you tell Im mad?

Anyway, I just let rip, publically, on facebook. He still doesnt think he has done much wrong and that Im over reacting. So Ive blasted him publically. I hope his boss reads it and I hope he is FUCKING MORTIFIED.

Its almost a deal breaker for me.

Anyway, Im wondering whether Ive made myself look like a twat for using facebook to shame him. Should I remove it?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/08/2015 13:23

I do t think anyone is saying phone the police now - well, I wasn't.

I was responding to the OP's question of what should she have done.

And if you think the police won't respond to a call like that, try hanging round your local magistrates court for a day.

It's not guaranteed of course that they absolutely will but it's more likely than not that they will plus the call will be loved for future reference. So, OP can keep calling each and every time he does it which will show a pattern building up over time and makes it less likely that they will ignore future calls.

MaidOfStars · 07/08/2015 13:24

I agree that the OP should have called the police though. Even if he had still been under the limit, it would have given her OP a wake-up call

A very good point. Even if I felt like a twat when they sarcastically asked me how on earth they were supposed to investigate drink driving when they hadn't actually witnessed him driving drunk, the message sent would be very useful.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/08/2015 13:26

The point of phoning the police is, aside from reducing the number of drunk drivers on the road, to highlight the fact that minimising this behaviour isn't appropriate and that the issue is a serious one, whether he gets breathilised and arrested or not. The OP chose not to do this but decided to shame him on FB instead. The result of that is that her DH gives zero fucks as there are no consequences other than his colleagues thinking his wife is a nut job. Had she called the police I'm fairly sure he'd be somewhat more open to admitting he was wrong to drink drive.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/08/2015 13:27

The police will need to see the DH behind the wheel of a car, they can't arrest him for being drunk in his own home.

Not correct - it's better if they catch him behind the wheel but the OP can provide evidence that he was driving and what time he arrived home (as can any cctv cameras he passed en route) and presumably she will be happy to go to court and do so.

UncertainSmile · 07/08/2015 13:27

It's all very Jeremy Kyle. All this needs is a lie detector test too.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 07/08/2015 13:31

Gobbolino which section are you referring to? I can only find this, which specifies what you describe can only happen in the event of an accident:

(1)A constable may enter any place (using reasonable force if necessary) for the purpose of—
(a)imposing a requirement by virtue of section 6(5) following an accident in a case where the constable reasonably suspects that the accident involved injury of any person, or
(b)arresting a person under section 6D following an accident in a case where the constable reasonably suspects that the accident involved injury of any person.
(2)This section—
(a)does not extend to Scotland, and
(b)is without prejudice to any rule of law or enactment about the right of a constable in Scotland to enter any place.]
1; S.I.

siiiiiiiiigh · 07/08/2015 13:31

Bubbles, I didn't mean company policy. "we don't mind a bit of drink driving" would be a silly thing to have in a mission statement.

I meant, that if you are drinking in company and they know you are driving home (whether friends or colleagues) then they are complicit.

In Scotland there is a zero tolerance for drink driving now.

One memorable school gate night out there was a fall out amongst mums, and one of them phoned 101 to say "tomorrow morning there will be a bunch of mums dropping off children at school and they are all going to be over the limit". Four of them lost their licenses.

Troo stowree

DamnBamboo · 07/08/2015 13:34

He's behaved badly, it's true.
But your behaviour is atrocious!

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/08/2015 13:36

This is like reverse snobbery, postingon FB is getting a bbigger kicking then drink driving, crazy. And yet its the drink driving that's illegal, because that's the behaviour that could impact anyone on this thread. People posting comments about their OH on FB is really no skin of anyone else's nose.
All this 'should have phoned last night' twaddle, its a bit bloody late now!!
OP call police, give them your DH's name and reg and tell them he has been drink driving, nothing they can do now but likely they'll stop him at some point as he'll be on their radar and that might get him thinking.

hstar1995 · 07/08/2015 13:36

End it. Honestly, I have sympathy for you but I hate Facebook rants - perfectly justified to rant in real life but is there really any need to rant over Facebook? Don't air your dirty laundry in public. if this is a deal breaker (it would be for me!) then end the relationship. But leave with your pride intact. I'd remove the status asap

DamnBamboo · 07/08/2015 13:37

I have read more.
You are massively overreacting!
Massively!

MNpostingbot · 07/08/2015 13:37

With you.... Until facebook.

Posting on there wasn't about him either was it? As usual posting on facebook was "meeee meeeee meeeee isn't my moral compass great"

He's an idiot for drink driving, but you are almost as daft for putting it on facebook, what did you think you could possibly achieve other than making things worse, or was that worth it so you could show all your "friends" how great you are?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/08/2015 13:39

crapcrafts - my mistake. I was referring to the old section 6E which had been amended to what your provision states.

but OP can still invite the police in to breathalyse so forcing entry should not be an issue. Plus they do have wide ranging powers of entry under PACE that I think would probably cover off forcing entry but would need to check

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/08/2015 13:39

CCTV will not show he was dunk and driving, just that he was driving a car so that's not reasonable cause.

A spouse telling the police her husband has arrived home drunk and she believes he drove [because she wasn't there/didn't see him drive] is not reasonable cause.

differentnameforthis · 07/08/2015 13:40

Gobbolinothewitchscat I didn't say they couldn't arrest him, I said they wouldn't! Seriously...they do not have the resources to go to people's homes to breathalyze a man on his wife's say so because he is drunk at home.

If he had caused an accident, yes I can see that happening.

My dh is currently drunk, I'll ring the police & ask them to come breathalyze him now, shall I?* I think they will tell me to stop wasting their time.

*I'd like to point out that I am in Oz & it's 10pm. My dh has not been driving.

chicaguapa · 07/08/2015 13:40

He's behaved badly, it's true.
But your behaviour is atrocious!

Drink driving = baving badly
Posting on Facebook = atrocious

Goodness! Shock

I have read more.
You are massively overreacting!
Massively!

Massively? Really? How depressing. Sad

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 07/08/2015 13:41

Anyway, Im wondering whether Ive made myself look like a twat for using facebook to shame him. Should I remove it?

Yes. Sorry op but while I agree he's a twat, this won't help.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 07/08/2015 13:42

The OP can invite them into her house but can not give permission for her H to be breathalysed, which surely he would have to if he is not suspected of an accident or caught in control of a car? As far as I am aware entry to the property isn't the issue, he doesn't have to give a sample.
aside from the fact they won't come out

RandomFriend · 07/08/2015 13:42

Take it down from Facebook, OP. YANBU to be cross livid, but YABU to put it on Facebook.

Idontseeanydragons · 07/08/2015 13:43

DH's work has this culture to an extent and I can totally see how the OP was driven to put something on FB. A pathetic laddish culture where a bunch of middle age men think they're all 21 and can party all night I assume?
She has supported him and the rest of their family through cancer treatment and he pulls a stupid stunt like this with nothing but a 'shit happens' reaction from him? But she's an hysterical loon for reacting in the moment?
OP it's considered to be quite U and very unfashionable to have even heard of FB on parts of Mumsnet so you're probably getting the affects of that as well.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/08/2015 13:44

crapcrafts - I think section 17 of PACE would probably cover forcing entry - particularly if there was a risk that OP's DH would drive off.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 07/08/2015 13:44

Exactly movingon the problem
With what the Gobblino is suggesting is the person will just say they drove home sober than drank at home before the police arrived. And the police can't prove differently.
This happens all the time on traffic cops and the like Wink

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/08/2015 13:44

All this stuff about how posting it on Facebook is beyond the pale and a deal breaker is crazy. It's not like the op was posting about a mistake her dh made, or an unfortunate incident that was beyond his control.

He chose to drink and drive. He has shown no contrition and is minimising. Calling the police is not an option (for reasons of common sense outlined above), reporting him to work is not an option because they are complicit, reasoning with him hasn't worked... so what to do? Publicly shame him into seeing his actions for what they are: totally unacceptable.

Seems reasonable to me.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 07/08/2015 13:45

But entry to the property isn't an issue Hmm

BlueStringPudding · 07/08/2015 13:45

I sympathise, as your DH was in the wrong, but the problem is you need to think about what it is you want? Presumably you want him to commit to never driving while drunk again.

Unfortunately your actions in putting that comment on facebook have just made him defensive, and made him minimise how much he had to drink/whether he was over the limit, and is unlikely to make him change his actions in the future - especially when out with work friends.

You might like to think about buying some of those breathalyser sticks, and putting them in the car, and keeping some at home. Ask your DH to take the test before he drives, so that there can be no doubt. If he doesn't you can ask him to take one when he comes home.

He may refuse of course, but if he's sure he's under the limit (and says this), there would be no reason to. If he does take one, and he's over, then you could use that to show him how serious it is.

He's not listening at the moment, because he feels he was sober enough to drive (even though he probably wasn't).