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AIBU?

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Original poster

One night of him has made me question our proposed wedding

143 replies

MassiveFfingMug · 06/08/2015 22:52

DP is going away tomorrow with his adult kids. I was supposed to be going too but decided not to - for one thing I didn't fancy camping and secondly I thought he could do to have a weekend with his kids and I could have a weekend with mine. He seemed over the moon with this and I was chuffed about the arrangements too.
Anyway knowing what an utter twat he can be and the way he loves a fucking drama and to make out that I hate him doing anything with his kids (despite me encouraging this weekend and various other stuff) I thought to myself earlier "I bet he tries to start an argument with me later". Just so he can say "you're in a mood because I'm going away with my kids".

Anyway - idea was that as we won't see each other after tonight until Monday - we'd share a glass of wine and watch a movie tonight. Wine is sat there and he comes in saying he doesn't feel well enough to drink alcohol (despite buying two packs of beer to go away with this weekend). Fine - whatever. He goes off for a shower and I poor myself a drink. He comes down and starts ww3 saying I'm out of order for opening a drink without him. I ask if he wants one - he says no Confused anyway this ridiculousness continues all night until he outright refuses to share a wine with me. Fine, whatever. But no - as he's not getting a reaction from that he starts nit picking - snapping, sarcasm every time I speak ... I ask if he has called the doctor about his urine test and he bizarrely accuses me of checking his text messages. I've resisted the urge to react to his shit all night and he's ginally said IT ... "I've not prepared for this weekend because of you". I asked how it's my fault and he says "you wouldn't have been happy if I'd prepares stuff so I didnt". Absolute shit and you know what, I'm starting to realise that if faced with a lifetime of this or being a crazy dog woman --- give me the kennel number

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2015 00:06

Absolutely do not marry this rude, gaslighting, gameplaying pain in the arse

You are pre-wedding so he thinks he's got you where he wants you..hence his disrespect of you is plainer. You already knew he was going to pick a row which means you know exactly what he is like.

Don't tie yourself to a man like that - it truly isn't worth years of misery. You really do have to focus get inside your own head and bluntly and very honestly face up to what the prospect of years with him will be like. He'll get a lot worse and you only get one life.

You sound like you really have woken up. Good for you. & I'm quite sure he will crawl on his belly in an effort to get you back, turn himself into everything you want him to be...and if you do go back it will be a (short) matter of time before he reverts to type. But even worse as you committed the ultimate sin of walking out.

You don't need this jackass and his silly attitude problem in your life at all.

achieve6 · 07/08/2015 00:09

I dont understand
Why are you looking for explanations? He's an arse, some people are.
Dump him and enjoy your life.

The5DayChicken · 07/08/2015 00:12

Run for the fecking hills. My ex was similar. Only his triggers to start a row were occasions. When he started on the first birthday I had while I was with him (I'd had the nerve to treat myself which apparently made him look bad because he'd gotten me nothing) I put it down to poor timing and work stress. Then it happened again at Christmas. Then new years. Fuck, he even managed to completely ruin the 20 week scan I had with DD. Got to the point where all I had to do was let on that I was looking forward to a particular day and I'd kick myself because I knew he'd kick off for some imagined reason. And he always did. So glad, because of this and much more, that I left before we were married.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2015 00:28

Firstly, get out of this relationship. It's shit, and it won't improve.
Secondly, once you are rid of him, spend some time having a serious think about how you ended up in the situation in the first place. Did you have a bullying dad, or an abusive previous partner, or are you just stuck with the idea that any man is better than not having A Man In Your Life? It would probably be a good idea to give yourself at least a year of no dating/men/looking for The One so you can get yourself into a strong, comfortable state of mind - so that you would only date or get involved with men who were fabulous enough to make giving up your freedom seem appealing.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/08/2015 00:41

I'm quite sure he will crawl on his belly in an effort to get you back, turn himself into everything you want him to be...and if you do go back it will be a (short) matter of time before he reverts to type. But even worse as you committed the ultimate sin of walking out

Unlikely, whats more likely is he will bleat and moan to anybody who is prepared to listen about how you left him because he wanted to spend time with his kids,how much of a bitch you are and how you were always trying to push his kids out. He will totally justify all his actions both on his head and verbally.

Amd them he will go into over drive tring to get you to believe you have hugely wronged him and his children amd how nasty you are but ofcourse because he loves you so he will be willing to take you back but you have to agree to behave yourself.

Because that's what men who behave like him do.

amarmai · 07/08/2015 03:09

who was his scapegoat before you,op? Horrible example being absorbed by the kids. Save yourself and them.

gotoblardysleep · 07/08/2015 03:17

weeell this escalated quickly...

"questioning my proposed wedding" to "i hate him and he's been like this since we got together"

weird thread

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/08/2015 03:19

I think you know what you need to do OP. You aren't happy and he is a twatting gaslighter of the highest order. Except his gaslighting isn't working any more is it? You are too clever for that.

P.S. You sound quite awesome by the way.

gotoblardysleep · 07/08/2015 03:28

Sorry OP for being flippant and harsh - not fair.

I wish you the very best. You can and will be able to leave this man, but please follow the advice of posters on here (if you want to, that is)... Don't seek explanations for his behaviour or try to change him/live with the behaviour; just leave! You will be happier for it

mumcantmakeadecision · 07/08/2015 07:10

Pack up this weekend while he's away and get the fuck out .

toomuchtooold · 07/08/2015 07:17

I think you posted about this guy before OP. Why don't you just leave him? It might feel satisfying to share his latest bad behaviour on here and get told you're in the right, but it's not solving anything. You need to leave!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/08/2015 07:18

If you haven't posted before there's a strikingly similar set up that has been posted about before.

He's a twat to your children, let's his own get away with anything and you tolerate it.

HagOtheNorth · 07/08/2015 07:21

How desperate are you to be with this arsehole?
You are planning on CHOOSING years more of this sort of negative, unsupportive, unloving attitude?
WHY FFS?
Get a bloody dog. Yes YABU to think of staying with him.

YakTriangle · 07/08/2015 07:22

I think your title is wrong - clearly it's not 'one night', it's a constant stream of negativity, picking arguments, blaming you for everything and put downs.
Run far far away and do not return. He sounds dreadful.

toomuchtooold · 07/08/2015 07:23

Ah sorry I thought you had posted about this guy already but I see now you haven't. Aye OK, well my mum was like this bloke and let me tell you you can never do it right. They just pick on smaller and smaller things until you're constantly walking on eggshells - no life at all. Go go go!

BearFeet · 07/08/2015 07:25

Another one saying run far away.

Just imagine no more drama, hassle or arguments. Sounds like heaven, right?

Totality22 · 07/08/2015 07:30

This seems incredibly familiar. Have you posted something like this before OP?

cosytoaster · 07/08/2015 07:31

Why are you with and planning to marry someone you think is a twat? Those 'crazy dog' women are probably ones who wouldn't tolerate such a shitty relationship and are living life happily on their own terms.

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2015 07:31

I know you say you're financially independent but do you have somewhere to actually go? How old are your kids? Do you have support from family and friends?

Totality22 · 07/08/2015 07:32

Oh right, I see I'm not the only one to think this thread is very reminiscent if another thread - down to grown up kids / due to be married / partner causing rows for no reason etc. .

DoreenLethal · 07/08/2015 07:33

Dont be there when he comes home.

Call off the wedding

Delete and block.

LindyHemming · 07/08/2015 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleChinaPig · 07/08/2015 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 07/08/2015 07:43

Imagine the peace and calm of a world without this idiot ruining everything.

How hard is it to say, "redundancies? Oh no, even if they do happen we'll get through it." or some other reassurance and a hug?

If he genuinely thought you hated his dcs he should have had a calm conversation about it with you.

None of this is about anything but you being his emotional punch bag when he's feeling stressed. You are expected to suck it all up, make him feel better, listen to and support him, but woe betide you if you need some support. That's not what he's there for Hmm

Pack up all you can this weekend. Make plans. Protect any shared finances.

And then run like the wind and enjoy that glass of wine without his bitterness around to sour it.

rainbowstardrops · 07/08/2015 07:47

How old are your dc Massive? How does he get on with them/they to him?
I certainly wouldn't marry him. Not unless you want years of misery.