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AIBU sorry another wedding thread

115 replies

anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 00:29

Have NC for this and sorry if its long and a bit vague but some info might out me.

My Dsis has announced she is getting married end of next year. She is middle aged and this will be her first marriage - her DP been married before and has 5 grown up DC.

They have decided to get married at a place that holds special memories for them which is about 5 hours away from our home town. The invite she has sent is addressed to my whole family which includes my DH and 2 DC. BUT, a note along with it has explained that the registar office they plan to use can only take 15 guests and so only my siblings (3 in addition to me), her DP's children and her DP's siblings will be allowed in to watch the ceremony. Anybody else attending will have to wait outside and then can be included in the photos. They then plan that we all go for a pub lunch and then go our separate ways.

As they plan to have ceremony mid morning on the Saturday, we would need to travel on the Friday and stop over. Having costing it up, with hotel, fuel, etc it will come to a tidy sum which I can't really afford and my DH is a bit nonplussed to spend a lot of money for him and DC to stand outside for half an hour and then have pub lunch.

I did ask Dsis if she will be having get together in our home town when they come back for those who cannot travel and she said no.

AIBU not to go? I do understand that as the bride she can make whatever decisions she wants but AIBU not to think that maybe she could have asked around first as to who would go and then sort out a venue that we could all fit into?

OP posts:

daisydukes229 · 06/08/2015 00:34

She is your sister.

I would find a way to make it work, no way I would miss my sisters wedding.

It is her wedding, she can do what she wants with it.


WorraLiberty · 06/08/2015 00:35

YABU for 2 reasons

  1. Registry office weddings take nowhere near half an hour

2. This venue means something to her

If you don't want to go/can't afford to go then don't, but don't blame her for her choice of venue.

UrethraFranklin1 · 06/08/2015 00:36

yabu. Go on your own if your family doesn't want to, but its your sisters wedding.


DelphiniumBlue · 06/08/2015 00:38

Shame for your DH and kids, but you could go by yourself, it would be much cheaper.
Agreed it bwould have been better for her to choose a bigger venue, but its her decision. I think you would be unreasonable not to go to your own sister's wedding just because the arrangements don't suit. You can explain that as they can't attend the ceremony, you can't justify the cost of DH and children going for what is effectively a pub lunch. It is an odd decision though!


achieve6 · 06/08/2015 00:38

I am normally pretty clear on how I feel about weddings
This one has thrown me a bit
I can see why it is this way but I find it weird too especially given distance
What makes most sense is for you to go and your DH and DC can just do something less boring than go to a wedding stay home and at least that saves money and hassle

I find it odd that people outside the room should even be in photos...

Overall, I think if you don't want to go, it's fair enough.


Donatellalymanmoss · 06/08/2015 00:39

You should at least go on your own.


DoJo · 06/08/2015 00:39

Could you go and leave your husband and children at home?


Sweetpea15 · 06/08/2015 00:41

I think that if it's the end of next year, then she's given plenty of notice so that people can make it work.

I would go. But then again I drove nearly 7 hours to go to my sisters wedding.

Would you regret not going? Are you close?


TidyDancer · 06/08/2015 00:42

I think you should go. If your DH decides not to, that's fair enough I guess, but I don't think there's a 'good enough' reason for you to not attend.


HirplesWithHaggis · 06/08/2015 00:43

I'm more inclined towards YANBU. Are your dc old enough to hang around without adult supervision? Are the happy couple paying for the pub lunch for everyone, or will you be expected to pay for yourselves?

And what exactly is the overwhelming attraction of a registry office that can only accommodate 15 people?

Sounds like they want a very cheap wedding (which is absolutely fine!) but you will be incurring excessive costs.

I didn't attend my brother's wedding. He got married in Germany (his wife's country) and I didn't have the money for a passport, let alone travel and accommodation.


ReginaFelangi · 06/08/2015 00:47

If it's in England or Wales they can't stop anyone that wants to from attending the service. It has to be open to the public by law.


HirplesWithHaggis · 06/08/2015 00:48

Ah, just noticed your dh isn't invited to the ceremony either, so can do childwrangling.


ChilliAndMint · 06/08/2015 00:48



MrsHathaway · 06/08/2015 00:51

I think I would go on my own. Perhaps invite sister and new husband to do something celebratory with your family - throw them a your-side-of-the-family family meal when they get back?

She is one of five, is that right? With partners and children that's an awful lot of people to squeeze in.

It's her wedding, not your husband's, and she's keeping it low key. Scaling up for the sake of other people isn't necessary. That said, she'll have to understand that people might not come.

I think a small wedding at a significant venue sounds elegant, dignified and utterly romantic.


anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 00:58

Thanks for your replies so far. My DC are old enough to look after themselves. What I meant by change of venue is that as far as I know it is the town that they visit regularly that means something to them and not the registry office itself so I cannot understand the decision to use it. I have checked the web site for the registry office and it definately says that it can only accommodate 15 guests.

The invite does not actually say whether they will be paying for the meal or not so I would need to budget for that just in case.

We are reasonably close, visit each other every month or so and I would dearly wish to see her married and will probably go on my own but just think its a bit sad that my DH and DC cannot see her say 'I Do'.

Will speak to my siblings to see if they are going and if so whether we can share hotel/travelling costs.

OP posts:

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks · 06/08/2015 00:59

If you go alone you could maybe just leave very early and do it in a day, and so save on hotel?


CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 06/08/2015 01:00

I'd go and split the cost of a hotel room with one of my siblings


Baffled2012 · 06/08/2015 01:05

If you decided not to go this would change your relationship with your sister forever.


anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 01:07

MrsHathaway .. you are right ...with the partners and children of our siblings, the partners of her Fiances DC's etc there will be quite a few people. There will be more outside than inside!

OP posts:

nokidshere · 06/08/2015 01:15

I have a huge family and wanted a small wedding. I invited my 5 sisters but not their husbands or children, my mum and dh's parents plus a couple of his close friends because he is an only child.

No-one minded, we had a ball, my sisters had a break and all was well.


Sapat · 06/08/2015 01:48

I went to a family wedding on my own last month. The whole family was invited to the ceremony but the children were not invited to the reception. It was in Germany so I left 3 DC with DH and went in my own, had a lovely time too, realised it was the first time in 8 years I met up with family without kids, it was nice to reconnect.

I also went to my sister's wedding on my own with DC1 a baby as DH went to his cousin's on the same day. No probs.

I would go on my own, especially if the children are older.


ShadowStar · 06/08/2015 01:54

I would go. I might leave DH and DC at home under these circumstances, but I would go myself if I could.


FatSwan · 06/08/2015 02:01

It might be easiest to just go on your own.

I'm sure the DC won't mind not going (in the nicest way possible)


annandale · 06/08/2015 02:44

If your sister has invited them I would go together, and would go very early if a hotel wasn't affordable - I would do a 4am start for a flight, why not for a sister's wedding.

Your dc could spend the time outside doing something nice for the couple, lay a carpet of rose petals on the steps for instance?? ( no idea if rose petals are slippery)


achieve6 · 06/08/2015 10:51

I feel as if some posters are missing the point

why on earth would you plan to go an extra mile and do lovely things for someone who hadn't even bothered to find a venue to accommodate everyone?

I would go alone but also, to be frank, if you own sister isn't paying for your meal on her wedding day when you have to travel a long way and possibly stay in a hotel....I find that strange to say the least.

I totally see your point about how the town means something but the registry office doesn't. More outside than inside is bizarre. it would make sense if the whole affair was tiny but it isn't!

I respect people's right to have the wedding they want but they have to then have the good grace if people don't go because the arrangements don't work for them.

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