AIBU sorry another wedding thread

[anotherweddingthread]

Have NC for this and sorry if its long and a bit vague but some info might out me.

My Dsis has announced she is getting married end of next year. She is middle aged and this will be her first marriage - her DP been married before and has 5 grown up DC.

They have decided to get married at a place that holds special memories for them which is about 5 hours away from our home town. The invite she has sent is addressed to my whole family which includes my DH and 2 DC. BUT, a note along with it has explained that the registar office they plan to use can only take 15 guests and so only my siblings (3 in addition to me), her DP's children and her DP's siblings will be allowed in to watch the ceremony. Anybody else attending will have to wait outside and then can be included in the photos. They then plan that we all go for a pub lunch and then go our separate ways.

As they plan to have ceremony mid morning on the Saturday, we would need to travel on the Friday and stop over. Having costing it up, with hotel, fuel, etc it will come to a tidy sum which I can't really afford and my DH is a bit nonplussed to spend a lot of money for him and DC to stand outside for half an hour and then have pub lunch.

I did ask Dsis if she will be having get together in our home town when they come back for those who cannot travel and she said no.

AIBU not to go? I do understand that as the bride she can make whatever decisions she wants but AIBU not to think that maybe she could have asked around first as to who would go and then sort out a venue that we could all fit into?

[janestheone]

YABU. Go on your own. There's not much point in your husband and children being there.

[Lightbulbon]

If it's 5 hours away and you live in a city is there a flight you could get?

I think the DSIS is being selfish & inconsiderate but you have to go.

Do your other siblings live near you? I'd look at doing joint travel/accommodation with them.

Not having an evening reception is odd. What is the plan for after the lunch? Is it a place that would be nice to visit for it's own sake?

Is she expecting people to go home after the lunch or to disperse to restaurants/hotels for their dinner? Where are they staying that night? Are others welcome?

It's all a bit odd but I think you just have to suck it up.

[achieve6]

lightbulbon "I think the DSIS is being selfish & inconsiderate but you have to go."

Why?? Why would anyone advocate being nice in the face of someone being selfish & inconsiderate?

flights sounds pricey.

[TheOddity]

I'd just bagsy a seat in the car with another sibling or friend and go it alone. You're going to know everyone there anyway and will probably like being footloose and fancy free for a night. Maybe not what you'd have done but I think you'll regret missing it.

[Angech74]

I can see the dilemma - and some of the other's haven't been that nice in their answers. I think the only solution is either not to go at all (and explain to her that you just can't afford it - if you've got a good relationship then she'll understand) or to go on your own, or if you can get a babysitter/minder for a day you and your OH go. Like I said, I understand that it could come to hundreds of pounds - and if I was in your situation I wouldn't be able to afford to go either. Good luck whatever you decide x

[bagofemotions]

Yes YABU! It's your sis's wedding, her special time and a big change in her life! Some support from you, rather than conditions would be handy for her.
I'd say if finance is an issue, you should go alone or with a DC to make things easier back home for DH.

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

I think it's all very well saying 'it's your sister, you should go'

But the sister has chosen to get married five hours away in a random location which isn't convenient for anybody, then expects only some of the invited to attend a ceremony before staying for lunch, that's it, nothing else. It's a long way to go for that. So as much as people are crying 'think of your sister' I don't think the sister is thinking of the guests. It's a long way to go for a very short amount of time, especially when your DH and dc aren't allowed to attend the ceremony. I would go on my own.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

While I realise it's her wedding, she has chosen a venue that is 5 hours away, and chosen to have the wedding where there is a 15 person limit. These are choices she has made, knowing it may affect whether or not family members can attend. Getting married is not a free pass to make whatever arrangements you want and expect everyone else to be able to afford to go along with it. Some people will decline, with good reason.

Personally, I'd say I couldn't come, send a card and gift from the whole family, and then invite them both over for a nice get together or meal out in future when they're able.

I know if my family had a wedding out of area, I'd not be able to afford to go, and unfortunately they would just need to understand that's the way it is.

[GinandJag]

Yabu - it's your sister

[FryOneFatManic]

This situation is no different to those people who get married abroad.

If people choose to marry in a location well away from where their invitees live, they have to accept that some people are not going to be able to attend, perhaps due to cost (travel, accommodation, gifts, clothes, it soon mounts up), time available, etc.

And if it were me, the sibling or not, I'd seriously consider not attending when space to actually watch the ceremony is so limited, and it's just a pub meal (with no indication on who is paying).

[magratvonlipwig]

Go on your own, and set off early. Explain to yr sis that hubby and kids don't want to travel all day to not attend. Then go on and enjoy yourself.

[achieve6]

To the posters saying "you should go, it's your sister'" may I ask where you think the money will come from? The OP mentioned this in her first post and some are just totally ignoring that part of the problem.

[anotherweddingthread]

Thanks for your backup achieve6 :)

I'm really torn - I love my DSis to bits and want to see her married and know she would be unhappy if I didn't go. Another part of me is thinking that if she really wanted me there to be part of her big day then they wouldn't expect me to spend money I can ill afford to use to see them for 20 minutes in the registry office and couple of hours in a pub.

One of my siblings who drives is away on holiday so will speak to him when he gets back. Hopefully he will go and I can at least share the transport costs.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Silly question - is the low-keyness of the ceremony being driven by her fiancé, since he has been married before and has grown up children? Maybe that's why it's so small.

I think you should go, with or without the rest of your family. I got married in a registry office but the room held 50 (thank goodness!) - that was still too small to accommodate everyone I would have liked there, and so I had to pick and choose. I also said no children, but my sister wanted hers to be in the photos, so they came to the Registry office and sat outside with their Dad for the 15 mins of the service, then were in the photos taken in the garden (very nice garden for photos). You only get a 30 minute slot from start to finish, so not long for photos there either, before the next lot are coming out!

I think YABU to say that it's only a couple of hours - it might be, but it's one of the most important "couple of hours" in your sister's life, would you really want to miss it?

[anotherweddingthread]

Thumb - you may be right. My DSis is also a little shy and does not like being the centre of attention so I think that may have something to do with it.